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Girlfriend pregnant, wants adoption... I don't
Nitsua
South CarolinaRegistered User regular
South CarolinaRegistered User regular
Title says it all, except for a bit of backstory:
TLDR: Got with a girl off of OKCupid, was with her a short time, ended up sleeping together and getting her pregnant quickly. We have an awesome relationship and end up at first deciding to keep the kid, move in together, and start planning on future family ideas. Girlfriend talks to mother, decides against keeping kid and moving in with me, and relates this to me. Finds out she is nearly failing this semester and decides even more so against. Father recently tells her to really think it through and gives her pause.
What I'm asking for here is two-fold:
1)In what way can I present to her actual plans that could work for going to school, working, and raising a kid together that would be plausible and not add more than the expected load upon her. Basically I want ideas from those that have done this and how hard/rewarding it was to do so.
2)If it comes down to it, I want to know how others have dealt with the pain of giving a child up for adoption and not knowing how their own flesh and blood is being raised, it's welfare, not being able to be there for her/him or any other things you miss out on from being a parent. I really don't know how to deal with it at this point and would appreciate any pointers given from you all, whether you've been through it or not.
In advance, I appreciate anyone who even reads all of this and I just want to ask that no mention of how dumb we were is brought up at all. I have already heard enough of this from different friends and other people as well as from my own thoughts. I don't need to hear it from the people here, I just really want some honest help if I can get it. Thank you.
So, I come on here quite often and I was checking out the OKCupid threads that were on here from time to time and I got curious enough to make a profile of my own back in November. I hadn't really been doing much to it, just put a bit up there since I was sorta hoping to hook up with someone from my past... that didn't work out.
Anyhow, on Valentine's day I get one of those quiver deals and this girl is in there that seems to share my tastes in books and is a really intelligent person as well. End up talking with her and meeting her in person as friends and learn she has an incredible singing voice via Rock Banding with her on our first time meeting. Things pick up quite a bit from there as I fill her in I'm fairly attracted to her and start sharing some thoughts of mine with her. At about six that morning she comes over and we attempt to watch the sun rise together (really cloudy morning stopped us from doing so though). We shared our first kiss then. She invites me to hang out the next night and things heat up and I spend the night over. Things continue to go that same path and we eventually become a couple on the 12th of March, about a week after that we go and try and get birth control and find out she's pregnant. Yeah, pretty big shock... yes, we weren't thinking with our heads entirely, but I had been doing things for awhile and acutally thought I wasn't able to in a way.
Anyhow, we discuss things for a bit and decide to really think on things for awhile once all the turmoil died down. Went back and forth for a bit and she told me she decided to keep it and try and move in with me in a few months (baby would be born in December or early November, we would move in around September). Things are going really awesome between us and I'm thinking this is pretty cool. We have the support of all my friends and family and she has the same. We start thinking of names, how we'd raise it, the whole nine yards.
Well, skip ahead to this past Sunday and, after talking with her mother, she decides that she hadn't really decided fully and no longer wants to raise it and instead wishes to give the child up for adoption. Two days later she learns she'll have to take an extra semester of school she wasn't expecting and decides even more vehmently against keeping the kid.
I really want to be supportive of her and be understanding of her decision (which I am), but I do not want to give this child up... nor do I feel that she actually must do so for the sake of her schooling or other such things. She feels that she could not be able to work longer hours, raise a kid, and go to school as she needs to. I already feel that I would have a very hard time letting go of what I believed I would have (something I've actually always wanted) and actually feel incredibly pained just thinking of giving it up for adoption. Her father actually talked with her and asked her to really think on it this time and not just change her mind so quickly (about not keeping it, he's for raising it and believes she could as well) because her mother brought it up to her.
I truthfully don't know how to present it to her other than this: I believe I could work more to make up for what we could lose for her not working more than she currently is. I also could potentially take more of the responsibility of raising the child at first until she completes that extra semester. Since she only has a few classes that need to be taken in that time, she could also split up the last two semesters to make it easier (if the classes are available in both semesters of course, some aren't). I'm just not certain if she actually wants to keep it as much as I do, but she was just as into discussing raising the kid (if not more so) and the naming and everything else as I was before changing her mind. The moving in was also her idea.
Anyhow, on Valentine's day I get one of those quiver deals and this girl is in there that seems to share my tastes in books and is a really intelligent person as well. End up talking with her and meeting her in person as friends and learn she has an incredible singing voice via Rock Banding with her on our first time meeting. Things pick up quite a bit from there as I fill her in I'm fairly attracted to her and start sharing some thoughts of mine with her. At about six that morning she comes over and we attempt to watch the sun rise together (really cloudy morning stopped us from doing so though). We shared our first kiss then. She invites me to hang out the next night and things heat up and I spend the night over. Things continue to go that same path and we eventually become a couple on the 12th of March, about a week after that we go and try and get birth control and find out she's pregnant. Yeah, pretty big shock... yes, we weren't thinking with our heads entirely, but I had been doing things for awhile and acutally thought I wasn't able to in a way.
Anyhow, we discuss things for a bit and decide to really think on things for awhile once all the turmoil died down. Went back and forth for a bit and she told me she decided to keep it and try and move in with me in a few months (baby would be born in December or early November, we would move in around September). Things are going really awesome between us and I'm thinking this is pretty cool. We have the support of all my friends and family and she has the same. We start thinking of names, how we'd raise it, the whole nine yards.
Well, skip ahead to this past Sunday and, after talking with her mother, she decides that she hadn't really decided fully and no longer wants to raise it and instead wishes to give the child up for adoption. Two days later she learns she'll have to take an extra semester of school she wasn't expecting and decides even more vehmently against keeping the kid.
I really want to be supportive of her and be understanding of her decision (which I am), but I do not want to give this child up... nor do I feel that she actually must do so for the sake of her schooling or other such things. She feels that she could not be able to work longer hours, raise a kid, and go to school as she needs to. I already feel that I would have a very hard time letting go of what I believed I would have (something I've actually always wanted) and actually feel incredibly pained just thinking of giving it up for adoption. Her father actually talked with her and asked her to really think on it this time and not just change her mind so quickly (about not keeping it, he's for raising it and believes she could as well) because her mother brought it up to her.
I truthfully don't know how to present it to her other than this: I believe I could work more to make up for what we could lose for her not working more than she currently is. I also could potentially take more of the responsibility of raising the child at first until she completes that extra semester. Since she only has a few classes that need to be taken in that time, she could also split up the last two semesters to make it easier (if the classes are available in both semesters of course, some aren't). I'm just not certain if she actually wants to keep it as much as I do, but she was just as into discussing raising the kid (if not more so) and the naming and everything else as I was before changing her mind. The moving in was also her idea.
TLDR: Got with a girl off of OKCupid, was with her a short time, ended up sleeping together and getting her pregnant quickly. We have an awesome relationship and end up at first deciding to keep the kid, move in together, and start planning on future family ideas. Girlfriend talks to mother, decides against keeping kid and moving in with me, and relates this to me. Finds out she is nearly failing this semester and decides even more so against. Father recently tells her to really think it through and gives her pause.
What I'm asking for here is two-fold:
1)In what way can I present to her actual plans that could work for going to school, working, and raising a kid together that would be plausible and not add more than the expected load upon her. Basically I want ideas from those that have done this and how hard/rewarding it was to do so.
2)If it comes down to it, I want to know how others have dealt with the pain of giving a child up for adoption and not knowing how their own flesh and blood is being raised, it's welfare, not being able to be there for her/him or any other things you miss out on from being a parent. I really don't know how to deal with it at this point and would appreciate any pointers given from you all, whether you've been through it or not.
In advance, I appreciate anyone who even reads all of this and I just want to ask that no mention of how dumb we were is brought up at all. I have already heard enough of this from different friends and other people as well as from my own thoughts. I don't need to hear it from the people here, I just really want some honest help if I can get it. Thank you.
Nitsua on
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Find out if your GF wants to raise the baby but thinks it isn't feasible vs. really just doesn't want to raise a baby right now.
that being said, plenty of single mothers/fathers are out there, why can't you just raise the child by yourself if you honestly want to keep it?
1) How old are you two
2) You can't, really. Also, I don't really...I mean...let's assume you're both 22. I mean, the sheer ludicrous amount of time that raising a kid would consume would be enormous. Not to mention going to school in the meantime? Yeah, we're talking like < 4 hours of sleep/night for new parents, and that's highballing it. A full courseload on top of that? Plus, money issues (unless you guys are suitably well off/getting help from the 'rents, a new kid is gonna be a huge money burden, esp in this economy)
Just not really seeing a whole lot of positives for raising a kid here based on your situation (besides the whole "it's the responsible thing to do" one, which is a biggie tbh)
I gotta ask (please don't interpret this as dickish, because I'm really not trying to be): Do you really, truly, want to raise a kid, or is something you feel obligated to do/want to raise out of a sense of duty/interest in the mother?
In that same vein, is it really the inability in raising a kid that's the issue here (for you), or is it the perceived/implied loss of the relationship with your gf that is bringing these issues to the forefront?
That information, and more, would be helpful.
What I would tell you at this point is that the decision is entirely hers. You can provide support and input, but at the end of the day, as much as she may say otherwise, it's entirely her decision. You should at the very least come to terms with this fact. She may well decide to go completely against your wishes (whatever those may be). You need to come to terms with that reality.
If she decides to give the child up for adoption, that does not in any way invalidate your rights as the father of the child.
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2) Talk to parents on both sides and them to help with the child?
3) Be responsible and take care of the child yourself.
Abortion > Adoption
You have no idea how bad the child might end up.
Is the thread correct so far in assuming that you both are financially dependent on your parents and that you're students?
Have you examined your motives for wanting to keep and raise a child? Are you sure it's in the child's best interests? Or are you just thinking of what you want, because it's been a long-held dream/fantasy to have a family of your own?
Do you and this girl live together now? How long has this been the case? If not, are you expecting to co-habitate after the baby is born?
Is the girl failing in school directly due to this issue, or are there other issues affecting it?
Realize that her mother may not be the only reason she's had a change of heart. She may have started having second thoughts weeks ago, but because you're so gung ho on keeping the baby, she may have felt that she couldn't share them with you.
Also realize that, in order for her to make the decision to keep the baby, she's putting a massive amount of faith and trust in you as a provider, caregiver, and partner. Make sure that you're going to be able to shoulder that load without resenting her for it and that you will be able to meet all of the responsibilities that entails. If she keeps the baby with you and you can't hold up your end of the deal, it's not like she can cut her losses and call a time out. And your responsibilities don't start with the birth, either. Picking out names and fantasizing about parenting is the easy part. Pregnancy is going to continue to take a toll on her, mentally and physically. It's your job to help her through that as much as possible and make it as easy as possible for her. That may be the best way you can help her see the possibilities in you as a father.
Yeah, if you want to keep it you can. She can't unilaterally give it up for adoption. The question is, do you want it if she's not in the picture?
On top of that, I love being a father. You will always have another chance at having a kid and lets face it, white babies (if thats the case here) get adopted real quick.
You hang out with this girl for a week or two, then you share your first kiss, then the next night you have sex (presumably this is when she got pregnant).
You have known this person for two months. This relationship is not even remotely developed enough to warrant moving in together and raising a child together.
Personally I think you are worried that your relationship is going to be over because of this. The reality is that when she gives the kid up for adoption it probably will be. But the worst thing to do would be to try to satisfy yourself by pressuring her into keeping the kid and trying to have a family with you.
Follow-up questions:
1. How old are you both?
2. Is this your first relationship?
3. Is this the first person you've had sex with?
Also, consider asking her to defer the decision to give the baby up for adoption till after it is born. Once she has held the baby and looked into its eyes the chances that she will still want to give it up diminish tremendously. I know it sounds like a sneaky move but at least consider it.
Kids are for when you already have a decent stable job that you can stand and allows you to afford them.
I have a buddy who knocked his girl up at the end of high school in a similar situation. They had only been dating maybe 6 months. Ended up married. It's working for them- they have a second kid now, still married happily as far as I can tell, but it's real damn hard and neither has been able to go to college, which they both wanted, and they have very little money.
You have to think real long and hard about this, and you have to understand if she's realised that a few months of knowing you isn't long enough to commit to the scenario I just described. Even if you don't break up (and you probably will) I cannot emphasize enough how hard it is.
Also you said: "In what way can I present to her actual plans that could work for going to school, working, and raising a kid together that would be plausible and not add more than the expected load upon her." You really have no idea what the expected load is going to be--there is no way you can position yourself as saying it won't be as bad as she thinks, because the truth is it's going to be worse. If anyone knew how hard those first months would be, no one would have kids.
Some things to consider:
Do you have enough money to support the kid?
Does she?
Do you have health insurance that will cover the baby?
Do you even think you would be good parents? You give no rationale for not wanting to give the kid up--but this isn't some game you get to play at until you're bored. You're signing on for 22+ years taking care of this person. Is it in the best interest of the child for you to keep it?
Personally, I think moving in together is a terrible decision. Moving in with someone is pretty stressful anyway--add to the mix sleep deprivation, being broke, her inevitable feelings of resentment and second-thoughts, and it's just not a good plan at all.
Be clear with her what you want. I am assuming there is still several months until you two have to make a final decision.
I'm not asking that facetiously - I think it would better hone the advice given if you write something about your internal reason for wanting to be a father.
EDIT: You have to realize a baby is a joint decision. You're being incredibly selfish and probably very naive about this. You're potentially completely fucking up her life plans.
You are asking her to DRASTICALLY change her life plans. Hate to sound this way, but no one plans on having a kid with someone they met a few months ago.
Honestly, unless you have some religious or ethical reason for wanting to keep the child (which is totally fine), I can't imagine why you would fight with her to get you both to keep and raise the kid. You've known each other for 2 or 3 months and now you want to enter what is basically the most difficult thing two people can do for 18 years, and start the biggest lifelong commitment you will ever have, with her.
could you please clarify this? because if that's correct, you're getting played
Wait--whaaaaaaaaaaaat? This is so untrue it's not even funny. There is huge demand for adoptions. What is this "system" you speak of? If you decide to give your kid up for adoption it's not like the hospital just sends it to social services when its born.
It would be a little strange for her to play him, since she doesn't want the baby. What's the angle there?
That's irrelevant if he found out she's pregnant a week after they first had sex.
I think he is mixing up kids up for adoption with kids who are taken away from their parents and put in foster homes.
well, foster homes are used for any kids that can't live with their parents for any reason and aren't already adopted
that would include parents that give up their children voluntarily to a foster family if someone doesn't adopt it, as well as when the state steps in and removes children from custody for a multitude or reasons, or if the parents die and no other family can/will take custody
the goal is to move them from foster homes to adoption, but psyck's point seems to be that this doesn't always happen which is correct
in other words, supply outstrips demand and children do stay in foster homes until they're 18 at which point they're considered out of the system
it sounds like they had sex around valentine's day, became a couple on march 12, and then a week after that they found out she's pregnant
ok, if that's the case it's still seems kind of sketchy but not as obviously fishy as her being pregnant a week after they first had sex
But there's huge demand to adopt infants. Saying that there's a lot of kids in foster care is irrelevant because kids in foster care aren't kids that parents tried to give up for adoption at birth. Infant adoption waiting lists are years long--why do you think so many people end up going to Russia?
this is to make you feel better if she decides to go through with the adoption and maybe even to persuade you that its not necessarily such a bad idea.
Well they're not going to be able to go Russia anymore. But yes, an infant is likely to be adopted very quickly by someone who wants an infant. People who are willing to wait 3+ years for an infant are unlikely to change their mind and adopt a 15 year old from the system. Also, not all children in foster care are able to be adopted. Many are, but not all of their parent's have had their rights terminated.
You can also work directly with adoption agencies to find a couple that you like and find a couple that likes you. Every day open adoptions are becoming far more common. Adoption doesn't mean never seeing your child again anymore. So if you really want to be part of the child's life but are unsure of your ability to raise it as a single parent consider an open adoption.
Definately need a clearer timeline here. The way he told the story everything seems to have happened suspiciously fast.
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Ditto. I'm adopted myself, and I'm really glad my birth mother didn't have the "well there's too many unwanted kids out there so just get an abortion" attitude because then I would have never gotten the chance to grow up happy and secure, or even exist.
Don't let the worst case scenario cloud your mind because the chance your child will be adopted by a family that will love and cherish him/her aren't as low as some people here seem to be suggesting.
I don't think it's right for the OP to pressure her like this. She's probably going through a lot already.
Unless she wants your help during the pregnancy, you need to just stay away. You sound like you're somehow already becoming attached to the unborn child and that's not a good thing. My suggestion would be to support her in the pregnancy (financially, emotionally, whatever she asks for) and then leave it well enough alone. This will help to minimize your "emotional distress".
that doesn't make him 'not the father'
Whether or not it's a wise decision for himself in this situation to raise it on his own is a completely different question and I'd honestly suggest speaking it over with one's parents or the like to see if you could reasonably support such a child in your current situation. It seems that she's already decided that raising it with the OP is not really being considered as an option and I don't know, given the shortness of the relationship, whether it's a possibility that she could change her mind.
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Bingo. A woman's right to choose whether or not to carry a baby to term is hers and hers alone. Once that baby is born, however, the choices regarding that baby belong to two people unless one decides to give up their right to make those choices.