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I'm confusing myself

JeanJean Heartbroken papa bearGatineau, QuébecRegistered User regular
edited May 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
For the past 6 weeks, my mood has been trough extreme up and downs. I didn't used to be like that before and i'm not understanding my own feelings anymore.

The pattern started when I broke up with my ex. I felt intense relief at first than it was finally over but sometimes I miss her and I regret my decision. My lofe live is not going anywhere since then.

Being single used to not bother me but now the need for affection is killing me.

Somedays I feel like I'm the king of the World, some other days like I'm a worthless idiot. Always seems to be one extreme or the other. I didnt used to be so emotional and I didnt used to care so much about what others think about me.

My personality is changing.. I used to be a rather introverted nerd-ish type of guy but I'm becoming more extroverted (good) but also a lot more emotional (NOT good). I just don't understand what's going on in this heart of mine anymore.

I can't continue like this.. I need to man up and get my act together but how?

"You won't destroy us, You won't destroy our democracy. We are a small but proud nation. No one can bomb us to silence. No one can scare us from being Norway. This evening and tonight, we'll take care of each other. That's what we do best when attacked'' - Jens Stoltenberg
Jean on

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    IrukaIruka Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited May 2010
    How old are you?

    Having 6 weeks of weirdness after a break up doesn't sound too off the wall. If you find you're indulging in self destructive behavior, or the depression is truly deep set and overpowering, maybe seek some professional help just to help sort out your feelings.

    I've had some personality changes myself, and they aren't usually easy, on the days you're on a down swing just try to stay productive and logical. If you are at all intrigued by writing, a good way to filter this is to start writing in a journal.

    Iruka on
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    ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    How serious was the relationship?

    Zombiemambo on
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    SwashbucklerXXSwashbucklerXX Swashbucklin' Canuck Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    If this entire problem started six weeks ago (like, that's when you broke up with your ex *and* when the mood swings started), I wouldn't worry about it. Give yourself some time to mourn the relationship, spend plenty of time with friends, and don't hesitate to talk things through with people you trust.

    If the wide emotional swings have been going on for longer or don't get better with time, why not take advantage of our lovely Canadian health care system? Just go to your family doctor and say that you're concerned about some major mood swings that are affecting your quality of life. You can get a referral to a counsellor/psychologist who can help you sort out what's going on and how you can help yourself deal with it.

    SwashbucklerXX on
    Want to find me on a gaming service? I'm SwashbucklerXX everywhere.
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    Brodo FagginsBrodo Faggins Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Go work out.

    Brodo Faggins on
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    JeanJean Heartbroken papa bear Gatineau, QuébecRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    @ Iruka - I'm 26

    @ Zombiemambo - For me it was very serious. I wish I could say the same for her.

    @ SwashbucklerXX - Yes the problem coincide with the breakup even tough I'm the one who decided to break it off.

    Jean on
    "You won't destroy us, You won't destroy our democracy. We are a small but proud nation. No one can bomb us to silence. No one can scare us from being Norway. This evening and tonight, we'll take care of each other. That's what we do best when attacked'' - Jens Stoltenberg
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    DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Sounds like normal breakup woes, especially since you're the one who ended the relationship, at times you'll feel like you made the best decision in the world, other times you'll remember all the good in the relationship and miss it terribly.

    Six weeks isn't all that long for something like this to last, especially given a long-lasting serious relationship (I'm assuming it was long lasting).
    Give it time, keep busy.

    Dhalphir on
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    ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Yeah, if it's serious, six weeks isn't too long to be sad for. Give it time, doesn't sound like anything unusual is happening to you

    Zombiemambo on
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    VivixenneVivixenne Remember your training, and we'll get through this just fine. Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Being emotional is not a bad thing. By all means, feel them through, but then pull back and reflect on them. What might have triggered that emotion (good or bad)? What made you feel it so intensely? Was there a point during that emotional time where you could've seen a good side but just didn't want to because you were too busy being sad?

    Moreover, what you're going through is normal. You're trying to sort out where to go from here. It's not necessarily your personality that's changing... it's that your ROUTINE is.

    Consider that while you were with your ex you were introverted... but you had HER around to entertain you. Now you no longer have her but still want that social connection that you had... so now you are naturally seeking out new friends to hang out with and occupy the time that you USED to spend with your ex.

    The outpouring of emotion is coming from this change in your routine. You're used to seeing your girlfriend and then doing x, y, and z with her. Now she's gone and now you don't have her or x/y/z to do, so you feel frustrated. That leads to a form of stress, and that makes you more emotional.

    The other thing is the circumstance around the breaking of the relationship. You said you're glad it happened but you're still missing her. That's normal... and so it would be normal you'd feel like the king of the world one day (for knowing you did the right thing) and the next like an idiot (for making yourself miss her by letting her go).

    I'm not going to tell you how it SHOULD feel, I'm just trying to put it into context for you. And while your personality is changing, embrace it. If you're frustrated at how emotional you're getting, the next time you feel yourself spiraling (up OR down), bring yourself back to a rational frame of mind and ask your self what TRIGGERED that emotion so strongly. That might put things into perspective for you.

    Vivixenne on
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    Oi-Oi- Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    One of the most useful things I've ever read about relationships says as follows:

    "When 'the One' turns out to be a jerk, when you are sitting there alone in your apartment feeling frustrated, rejected, or abandoned, your love sickness can set in. Why? Your brain is in a state of love-drug withdrawal. Your dopamine is surging because of your loss and you are just like a coke addict writhing on a bed, craving. Not sleeping or eating right messes up your brain chemistry even further." - Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.

    She goes on to talk about the emotional pain of a breakup registering in the same part of the brain as physical pain, and recommends sharing your feelings, meditating and getting proper sleep as ways to help with the chemical and physical side effects of a break up.

    I had the same issue as you about a year and a half ago when I broke up with my controlling and emotionally abusive ex. I was so relieved! Then so lonely and sad!

    My definition of 'manning up' is to continue to be okay with being emotional. You're growing emotionally, which is going to include some set backs or awkward moments. I'd be sure to spend time with friends and family, to fulfill the need for love and companionship and support. You won't be so in need of a woman then, and you'll be in a better place to attract one.

    "You take two steps forward when you move out of a relationship that is not working and begin to date with a clear intention to find the One. Often, these courageous steps lead to fears, self-doubt, and other feelings based on negative beliefs and, most profoundly, identities that don't serve the new experience; this is your one step back. " - again, Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.

    You'll find yourself progressing, testing out the new waters, and then regressing to older, familiar, safer-feeling ways. Then you can sit back and evaluate the new experience and if it was positive, hopefully embrace it.

    It also just takes time to have more experiences without your old flame. Everything reminds you of her because it was all so recent. Get out and do new things that you never did with her. Put some history between you. Eventually your frame of reference won't be "Ah, she and I used to eat here.", it'll be "Man, remember that great night I spent here with the guys? That message we wrote to the waiter on the check was hilarious!"

    Go see a movie tomorrow! Or go race go karts! Or cook something new! Or play a few rounds of mini-golf! Everything gets better.

    Oi- on
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    JeanJean Heartbroken papa bear Gatineau, QuébecRegistered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Thank you for your very interesting analysises, Vivixenne and Oi-. Definitively food for tought in they're!

    That girl is the second serious relationship I had in my life. I didn't felt so bad about I broke up my first serious relationship because I truly felt like I did everything I could to save it. We had a serious disagreement and even tough we tried for weeks to reach an agreement, we were unable to. At the end I completely felt like than calling it quits was the only remaining option and I still feel that way today.

    It didn't happened that way with the second one. It felt apart very quickly and now part of me feels like I should had given her another chance, than I was too harsh with her.

    Tough I realise I may be thinking that way only cos I feel frikkin lonely lately. Living alone is great when things are going fine but it can bring you down when things aint goin so well.

    also, while we're speaking of conflicted feelings : I also have them concerning my group of friends.

    I have known those guys since elementary school so I'm very attached to them but... we have one major difference. All they want from the opposite gender is sex/ one night stands, while my goal is something more long term, to have a familly and all that good stuff. Sometimes I cant help but feel it would be better for me to hang out with people who share that same goal but because of all the memories I cant bring myself to ditch my current friends.

    Jean on
    "You won't destroy us, You won't destroy our democracy. We are a small but proud nation. No one can bomb us to silence. No one can scare us from being Norway. This evening and tonight, we'll take care of each other. That's what we do best when attacked'' - Jens Stoltenberg
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    OnTheLastCastleOnTheLastCastle let's keep it haimish for the peripatetic Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    Weren't you posting in the internet dating thread about discovering you were bisexual or am I thinking of someone else? It's a lot to take in if so.

    I'm still pretty fucking screwed up 7.5 months after a breakup that was mutual. Alternating between "I'm going to be okay." and "Why did I screw up the rest of my life?" are normal feelings.

    My advice: Don't try to be friends with your ex at least until you are sure you're feeling better, cut it all off and move on for awhile. I know you'll sneak some peeks at her facebook or something, but just stop talking to her on a day to day basis. I had to take my ex off my gmail message list just so I wouldn't see her, the first few days were tough but then it got easier. I let her know I was doing that but she could message me if anything important came up.

    I feel pretty dead inside even thinking about it and it's been awhile. So. You're normal.

    OnTheLastCastle on
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    GungHoGungHo Registered User regular
    edited May 2010
    You'll get over it. Find something to occupy your mind/time when it gets to be too much.

    GungHo on
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