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Coming Out: Self Harm Style
TotallyWhat
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This is an alt account, of course. Feel free to skip to the end.
So the issue is this: I had a very seriously fucked up childhood. I was sexually abused when I was 9, my parents were utterly indifferent and I had no other adults in my life to help or to talk to. With absolutely no clue how to deal with what happened to me I became quiet, withdrawn and eventually, for whatever reason, started to hurt myself. Initially it was just minor stuff, scratches and bruises which everyone probably just wrote off as the standard injuries that any 9 year old has from dicking about about being a kid and consequently didn't leave any permanent marks.
As I got older I got more troubled and naturally started making more serious wounds, the kind that do leave permanent marks and are more obviously self inflicted. Presumably, an awkward teenager who was uncomfortable showing bare skin was pretty standard stuff as I managed to keep the fact I was self harming hidden from literally everyone for over a decade.
I had accepted that because of what had happened to me there was no chance that I'd be living any sort of normal life. I focussed all my energy on just surviving, getting a job, getting independence and living day to day as best I could. I wasn't anticipating any sort of relationships with other people, so it didn't matter if I had to cover up my body 24/7.
I packed up, left everything and everyone I knew, moved somewhere new and tried to put things behind me. I got a job and a flat and started to actually move on. The more I did, the more I realised I could do. My confidence and self esteem started to grow, I made friends, developed a social life for the first time ever and started living my life. I started to take better care of my self, started working out, eating properly, taking care of my appearance and now feel better than I've ever felt.
I stopped hurting myself and have been "clean" for almost two years now.
The problem I have now is that I have no fucking idea how I'm supposed to "come out" to the people in my life about the self harm. I can't get away with "I feel uncomfortable about my body" any more as a solid year of exercise means it actually looks rather good, and to be honest I'd quite like to wear t-shirts or go sunbathing. Recently one of my friends started discussing a holiday to Brazil. There's no way I can go to Brazil and spend the whole time covered up. How do I broach the issue? Do I just whip off my top and act blasé about the warzone that is my skin? Do I sit them down and forewarn them?
This holiday is going to be with some work colleagues and some people I don't know too well - how do I bring it up with the latter? This crowd is a very "blokey matey" bunch as well, they're not exactly sensitive, touchy feely types (the type of guys who make casual jokes about child abuse, rather awkwardly). What if this completely ruins the relationships I've built and fucks my career?
On top of that, women are actually starting to show an interest in me now (which brings problems of its own) - how am I supposed to bring things up with a potential partner? Do I explain why I did it, or just that I did? Is every woman I get close to going to run a mile the second she sees them?
I have absolutely no frame of reference here and am terrified that if I take the wrong approach I could send my life crashing back 10 years. I'm hoping that someone has some wise words to offer, or even some personal experience of how people actually react to this kind of thing. Right now I'm wondering if I should just cool down the friendship, knock it a step down and not take the risk at all.
I am genuinely quite clueless. Any advice or comments at all, gratefully received.
So the issue is this: I had a very seriously fucked up childhood. I was sexually abused when I was 9, my parents were utterly indifferent and I had no other adults in my life to help or to talk to. With absolutely no clue how to deal with what happened to me I became quiet, withdrawn and eventually, for whatever reason, started to hurt myself. Initially it was just minor stuff, scratches and bruises which everyone probably just wrote off as the standard injuries that any 9 year old has from dicking about about being a kid and consequently didn't leave any permanent marks.
As I got older I got more troubled and naturally started making more serious wounds, the kind that do leave permanent marks and are more obviously self inflicted. Presumably, an awkward teenager who was uncomfortable showing bare skin was pretty standard stuff as I managed to keep the fact I was self harming hidden from literally everyone for over a decade.
I had accepted that because of what had happened to me there was no chance that I'd be living any sort of normal life. I focussed all my energy on just surviving, getting a job, getting independence and living day to day as best I could. I wasn't anticipating any sort of relationships with other people, so it didn't matter if I had to cover up my body 24/7.
I packed up, left everything and everyone I knew, moved somewhere new and tried to put things behind me. I got a job and a flat and started to actually move on. The more I did, the more I realised I could do. My confidence and self esteem started to grow, I made friends, developed a social life for the first time ever and started living my life. I started to take better care of my self, started working out, eating properly, taking care of my appearance and now feel better than I've ever felt.
I stopped hurting myself and have been "clean" for almost two years now.
The problem I have now is that I have no fucking idea how I'm supposed to "come out" to the people in my life about the self harm. I can't get away with "I feel uncomfortable about my body" any more as a solid year of exercise means it actually looks rather good, and to be honest I'd quite like to wear t-shirts or go sunbathing. Recently one of my friends started discussing a holiday to Brazil. There's no way I can go to Brazil and spend the whole time covered up. How do I broach the issue? Do I just whip off my top and act blasé about the warzone that is my skin? Do I sit them down and forewarn them?
This holiday is going to be with some work colleagues and some people I don't know too well - how do I bring it up with the latter? This crowd is a very "blokey matey" bunch as well, they're not exactly sensitive, touchy feely types (the type of guys who make casual jokes about child abuse, rather awkwardly). What if this completely ruins the relationships I've built and fucks my career?
On top of that, women are actually starting to show an interest in me now (which brings problems of its own) - how am I supposed to bring things up with a potential partner? Do I explain why I did it, or just that I did? Is every woman I get close to going to run a mile the second she sees them?
I have absolutely no frame of reference here and am terrified that if I take the wrong approach I could send my life crashing back 10 years. I'm hoping that someone has some wise words to offer, or even some personal experience of how people actually react to this kind of thing. Right now I'm wondering if I should just cool down the friendship, knock it a step down and not take the risk at all.
I am genuinely quite clueless. Any advice or comments at all, gratefully received.
TotallyWhat on
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If I was hanging out with a friend (at a beach for example) and they took their shirt off and I saw scars I'd probably just curiously ask, "oh hey how'd you get that?" If they said, "I used to hurt myself - but I was different then/don't do it anymore", or WHATEVER the reply, I'd probably give some random reply and just carry on and continue doing whatever I was doing.
If you're my friend and I've just found out you've had a troubled past, I'm not going to run away. And I think that most people (I'd like to hope so anyway) would act like I would. I may or may not ask about it. I may wait for you to bring it up.
The people in your life like you for you. And that's that.
I don't often advocate for professional assistance right off the bat, but I really think that someone with the appropriate training will be really much more helpful than the internet.
That said, I don't think your mates will be down on you about this if they're your true friends. I'm willing to bet that if you choose to explain why you're uncomfortable wearing short sleeves or going shirtless, they'll surprise you with a little more sensitivity than their usual blokey/matey selves.
It's the white knights you have to watch out for, and I can assure you those come in all genders.
And of course to start out with, never mention it at all unless it comes up.
If you actually DO want to talk about it, there are ways to approach the subject, but I don't have too much in the way of experience with that.
If they are people you don't really care about then fantastic lies. Tell them you used to knife fight for money in Bangkok.
Or combine both. tell a joke story and then tell them the truth afterward, if they press. It just depends on how much you feel like talking about it at the moment.
but they're listening to every word I say
If people ask just be straightforward and tell them the truth - you had a rough adolescence and used to cut yourself - but it's in the past.
If you don't act like you're dwelling in or are haunted by your past, they probably won't either.
Some women like scars and some don't - they can signify the pain you've overcome and be endearing to some and just gross out others. There's not alot you can do about it.
But I don't worry about it much anymore. Haven't for years. I did, when I was younger, back around high school/college, when the scarring was fresher and more severe.
To cut to the point: In retrospect, I focused on the scars much more than anyone else ever did, and my outlook on life improved greatly once I just stopped caring about the scarring so much. When it comes to self-image, there are actually a lot of problems you can, if not solve, greatly help just by not worrying about them.
If you're nervous about quirks in your appearance, people will pick up on your nervousness, and that —*the nervousness itself, not so much what you're nervous about — will put them off. But if you're not worried about them, you'll show more confidence; confidence leads to charm and eloquence, and that'll usually be the deciding factor in making impressions on people.
Now, of course, self-inflicted scars are sometimes perceived differently than other kinds of scars. My advice, if/when people take notice, is to play it down. "Yeah, I had some trouble as a kid." "Heh. Old war wounds." One or two throwaway lines, leave it at that, and move on. They might be curious, but most people won't pry further, unless they're very close friends or jackass strangers — and if they're friends, they'll understand if you only go into as much detail as you're comfortable with.
Bottom line: No matter how you feel about your looks —*and I once considered myself the ugliest person I knew —*people are going to know you for you. So what defines you? It can be your past, can be your scars. Or it can be your skills, your friendships, your hobbies, your best jokes, your favorite movies, favorite drinks, favorite hangouts, favorite characters, biggest accomplishments. All those things, good and bad, they're all you, all parts of you, and there's a place for all of them. Keep them all in balance; that's how to stay healthy.
My two cents, anyway.
I have ridiculous burns and cuts all over my arms and stuff. All it really takes is a year working as a roofer or someone who deals with hot oil/tar to build up a nice collection.
No one has as pristine a skin as you think they might. You'll be fine, it's your business. You don't have to make it a dramatic "coming out". If a simple explanation isn't good enough, that's their problem not yours.
That said, I think the biggest issue is that you aren't comfortable with your past. I've known cutters before, and the reason they were comfortable talking about it was because they'd made their peace with it. They accepted themselves as normal, healthy people, and because of this they trusted others to do the same.
Anyway, in the past, my reaction has just been to feel a little uncomfortable and not dwell on the subject. It's not that the issue bothered me so much as I didn't know what to say. There was no effect on my perception of the person, though.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
While its tricky to speculate about the extent of your scars (particularly how much other people might notice them as compared to you who sees them more) , I'd echo the thought on here that everyone does have some skin imperfections/scars/oddities, some more than others. Generally if you don't make a huge deal out of it, people might have some mild curiosity, but a good light story or explanation might be enough. If you really do have a lot of serious visible markings, it might get some attention, but I would doubt that everyone's first thought it going to jump to the idea they were self-inflicted, unless there is some reason the scarring could only be done by a person.
Either way, Its up to you how much you want to tell people about it--ranging from nothing at all (some sort of past accident, be it car crash, falling through a window, got in a fire) to something more revealing (I did some things in my past) but the real trick is to not make it a huge deal. If you don't let your markings define you, then most other people wont either. If you do have some serious areas you have marked up, and they are going to be conspicuous as self-harm to anyone who could see them, maybe consider a tattoo? Or even more drastically, some sort of medical treatment? Doesn't sunlight slowly fade scars? Maybe try a tanning booth?
As far as the ladies go, the truth is that some might be weirded out, but people get weirded out over all sorts of things. Finding a partner who understands/accepts you is important no matter who you are.
Otherwise I'd just have to echo the rest of the advice in the thread. You don't need to go around telling people you used to cut, but if they ask just answer honestly.
They cast a shadow like a sundial in the morning light. It was half past 10.
If you're not comfortable telling your friends/girlfriends everything just yet, don't worry about it; you can always just shrug and change the subject like Ceres said. But a real friend is never going to judge you for something like that. I know someone with scars just like yours, and it doesn't affect the way I view them at all.
Where are the scars and how deep do they run? I bet they're not as bad as you think, and there are steps that you can take to make you more comfortable in your own skin.
If you have the cash, I too would suggest some therapy, so you can get the pent-up issues and emotions out in the open and some help thinking of ways to get past your few remaining hangups. You are pretty much a miracle; so many others in these circumstances would just have become hooked on drugs to cope, instead you turned yourself into a successful individual. You are resourceful enough to not let some minor scarring dictate your enjoyment of life.
They cast a shadow like a sundial in the morning light. It was half past 10.
A friend I know from HS did tell me that he was into self harm. I knew he went through some rough shit but I didn't know it was that bad. But did I change what I thought of him? Nope. If anything, I felt bad that he had to go through what he went through that he felt the need to harm himself but really, after like 7 years, I still keep in touch with him because he's a cool fun guy with life. If your friends and your girl ran away from you, obviously they are not the kind of people you want to hang with. But really, most people are cool with it (assuming they are mature adults and act like one).
Having that said, lots of people are immature unfortunately and revealing your painful past to coworkers can be a little risque. As long as they are cool and not gossipy, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Be casual and say "Oh I had a fucked up childhood but that was long time ago" and make sure you have fun in Brazil
This is the sort of thing where people will not think less of you, but they will be uncomfortable in general. They will probably feel more awkward than you about the entire thing! They will probably be more than satisfied to accept a non-answer. If you do end up disclosing details of your past, they will probably feel dumb for prying. Don't be too worried.
you faced a horrible early life and you have risen above it all, be proud
if anyone judges you for it, they aren't worth watery shit and should be treated as such
So I've seen lots of folks have their lives get pretty messed up even after their lives got better, because they lacked a decent foundation.
Examples:
-Person had messed up childhood, but was intelligent, so around high-school he got reasonably better-functioning, went to college, did well. After college, he had a rough patch finding a job, and everything came plummeting down around him. Once things became less-than-peachy, all the old shit engulfed him.
-Person had messed up childhood, but generally appeared to be able to handle it okay, or at least acted okay around his friends. Relationships, on the other hand, he fucked up miserably. He just couldn't do them. At times he'd fuck it up by becoming the most dependent clingy crying child imaginable, at other times he'd fuck it up by being a short-tempered guy who would shout down and insult his girlfriends. He just never learned correctly how relationships work, and it was showing.
-This last one is more statistical than anecdotal. The rate of child abuse by people who were abused themselves as children is astronomical. Like, just ridiculously high. It's incredibly depressing to work with adolescents who have incredibly messed up childhoods (incredibly messed up even relative to average messed up backgrounds) and to just know that statistically, the odds that I'm talking to a future sexual/physical abuser are quite high.
So please, even if you're feeling better now, just got a see a therapist for a bit. It sounds like you live in a place where it won't even cost you an arm and a leg!
What? Are you retarded? It's a statistic, and it is sad only because through no fault of that child, statistics show that the child will most likely continue the cycle. It's not a blame thing, it's a stat that is useful as child psychologists can come with ways to fill in the missing pieces that cause this cycle.
To those who asked, I quite seriously doubt any one is going to mistake them for anything other than self inflicted. I've spent an age trying to think of believable lies, but realistically the extent, pattern and variation prevent showing them off as anything but what they are. Tattoos I also considered, but for one thing I can't think of anything I'd actually want to get tattooed on me and it would need to be one seriously big tattoo.
I did some research into surgery, but the consensus seems to be that nothing is going to get rid of them to any reasonable degree to justify it (why bother getting serious, expensive surgical procedures carried out if it's just going to make me look a bit less "self harmy"?). I am considering getting a bit work done on a few scars which are more horrific than others, just to lessen the visual impact, but ultimately all that can be done is to turn things from "lots of self harm" to "just some self harm".
Not at all, Cog's just stating the facts, he's not portioning out guilt. I've seen the numbers too and quite honestly it fucking terrifies me. Therapy, I've always felt very defensively against it. Part of it is probably pure arrogance: "I've gotten through everything so far on my own, what makes you think I need your help now?" kinda thing. Really though, I probably should speak to someone. I don't even know what I'd talk about. Part of me is just scared that talking about it in that kind of depth is going to send me right back down to where I was.
Just found out I'm going to a party in London this weekend. Might be a good excuse for rolled up sleeves. Might be easier to pussy out. We'll see what happens.
You may be correct, you may have weathered the storm and improved your situation and everything's hunkey dorey. Since the issues were so very complex, and since you can say "I probably should speak to someone," make the appointment to go in simply for a reality check. Start by saying you've come a long way and just want to make sure things are progressing the way they should.
Talking about it may very well bring up old pain, but it's more likely that with help you'll come through it with less difficulty, and then not only will you know that you're OK, but there will be someone else who is fully informed who can ratify that for you.
Good luck, and more importantly, congratulations!
Honestly, just forget about them. Like someone else said in this thread, if someone else asks about them, THEY will feel dumb for asking, they won't think less of you. I would just joke it off, say their from a long time ago, or just be honest, "Yeah, I used to cut myself, but that was a long time ago". Really, anything is fine. Maybe it's just the people I hang around with, but formerly cutting yourself isn't something to be embarrassed about. I think with the way our culture has changed, it doesn't freak people out as much as you think it will.
Hey man, baby steps with the rolled up sleeves business; you didn't come this far in a day, after all.
Also, if you talk about what happened in a controlled rational matter, and get it out in the open that way, it'll mitigate the effects of this business coming back to haunt you when you least expect it. The thing about mental demons is that they can pop up again when you aren't prepared, and that can really send you into a tailspin. I say get all this shit sorted out in your head before it comes roaring back and compromises your life. Talking to a therapist may make you feel rotten while you're doing it, but you'll get some help dealing with it, and it will help in the long run.
They cast a shadow like a sundial in the morning light. It was half past 10.
As for girlfriends, I've been told that chicks dig scars.
Actually, the only thing you can go with is the truth, if you're asked. I suggest you work with your friends first. However... in Brazil, you can always get away with a loose linen shirt.
but your friends ought to be comfortable with the truth.
This is pretty much what I do, most people won't want to ask and if they do you can pick a response based on whether or not you want to talk about it. For friends I'll usually just say, "I've been through a lot of shit."
If it's someone I don't know well then I go with the shrugging--if they're really pushy or if I don't particularly like them then I usually fall back on something bizarre like "cats" or "accident with a glass truck", if I'm feeling particularly obnoxious I say, "Ninjas."
An additional note, you'll find that as you age the scars fade quite a bit, so unless someone is really looking then a lot of people won't notice. I find it really bizarre that people will notice a tattoo from a mile away, yet not notice a ton of old scars, craziness!
And yes about the therapy. Good god does that shit never quite go away even with it, I still find myself in and out.