Friend's dad died

MagicToaster

My friend's dad passed away last night. He called me this morning to let me know. They had been expecting it for a while, so it's not a sudden death that caught the family by surprise.

I'm gonna go over to his house tonight, probably his mom and sister will be there too. I've never been in this type of situation before. What could I do, if anything, to help them in this process?

GungHo

Listen and just be there. Maybe bring them comfort food.

Metalbourne

There's not much you can do.

Give hugs, tell them that if they need anything, you'll be happy to help. And then keep in touch. Funerals are pretty time consuming and stressful, so keep that in mind. After the one death that I had to deal with, I found I appreciated cards and flowers a lot more than phone calls, because I appreciate them on my own time.

VisionOfClarity

My dad died unexpectedly and it was rough. The first few days we were in shock and it didn't seem real. The people who helped me the most were the ones who helped create a sense of normalcy; they didn't ask me constantly how I was feeling or if I wanted to talk, they didn't try to tell me what I should do, and they usually brought food (which was great because for the first 24 hours I ate nothing but Swiss cake rolls and my god was that a bad idea). They gave me a hug, told me they were sorry and let me know that if I wanted to talk they were there, but they didn't mention it every hour.

I hated nothing more than the people who constantly bothered me about talking about it and the ones who kept trying to tell me about the time they're great-aunt or other random family member died pissed me off the most. I know they were trying to sympathize but every time they said "I know what you're going through," I wanted to scream at them that they had no idea because feeling bummed when a random family member you barely knew died is nothing like the heart-wrenching agony of losing a parent you were close to.

Avicus

When my mate's brother died all we could really do was keep him company. It was a bit different than this situation since it was suicide but he said that the worse part was all the thoughts about the bad things he had said and done to him etc. Being there for your friend, keeping him occupied, and listening is all you can do.

Duffel

The most important thing is for you to be there for your friend in the weeks/months ahead. This is going to be a difficult time for them, they're going to get depressed. So make sure to stay in contact with them, go out and do fun stuff together, go to parties once you think they're ready to do something like that. The only thing you can do when somebody dies is just move on the best you can and try to get back to your normal life, and that's what friends are there for.

THEPAIN73

Listening to all the stories they may tell you about him will help.

Just be there for them.

Be a friend.

GungHo

If you wanna help out, like I said above... food is good. Taking care of the lawn is good. Offer to run any errands or do some grocery shopping. There's a lot of shit they need to take care of during a funeral (even for a death they knew was coming), and the entire death process takes a lot of time... the little shit in life falls by the wayside.

Willeth

Different people will react differently. My father died a year and a half ago - we'd also been expecting it for a while, and while I thought I'd accepted it due to the fact that we'd known it was coming and that most of the family was there when it happened, I didn't really understand that I'd lost my father and what that meant until months after the funeral.

Honestly what helped me most was going into [chat] and basically transmuting my tears into words. My advice would be not to try and actively help - they're all adults and they'll deal with it in their own way. Just make sure that they know you're there if they ever want to talk and that you won't judge them.

MoSiAc

It's a pretty big thing here to bring some dishes because the family may be busy with stuff and just not think about cooking. When my mom passed it seemed like a million people had brought us food and it really helped having one less thing to think about for a little while.

But yeah being there really helps too.

MagicToaster

Thanks for the advice. I'll be sure to keep an eye out on them these next couple of months.

Werewolf Gamer

Just be there for hm. Let him know you are his friend and there for him.
My brother died just this last July and only 1 friend was there for me.
3 other people who i thought were friends abandoned me. I had to deal with a lot of it alone and took the extra burdens of having to arrange his memorial service. (My mom and sister in law were in Oceanside with him when he died and we decided to have the service back home where most of his friends were in Texas).
The first 7 days or so feel kinda numb. Your friend will probably be in shock for a bit. For me i crashed hard after about a week. Even though people said 'let me know if you need anything' i never called anyone. It's very hard to function with the pain even when you know the end is near. My brother had stage 4 colon cancer and he went into kidney failure. I was lucky in that we had the time for me to go visit and his friends and family to visit one last time.
Also if you can try to really be there for your friend around holidays. Father's day is coming up and that will be rough.
The most important thing i needed when i was in that grief was a friend. It's tough when you need to talk to family members when they feel the same pain. When he is ready just be there to listen and share stories and memories or whatever he wants to talk about it.

Darkewolfe

Bring some food, be nice and don't hang around if they don't seem to be inviting you to. There probably needs to be some time for the family to sort of internally come to terms and grieve.

ceres

The night my grandparents died, a friend of mine came by later that night and took me out to a diner, which was great because I needed to get out and didn't even realize it. We got some eggs and had pretty normal conversation under the circumstances. Sometimes I'd bring them up and sometimes I wouldn't, but he never really did. I hadn't even settled down with the idea enough to cry yet, and was surrounded by people asking if I was okay along with my mother who just couldn't STOP crying, and when I look back this little trip out was probably the thing that got me through the night.

And YES, bring food. Not junk food, mind you, but a casserole or side dish or something. They will eat enough crap over the next few days to make Callista Flockheart fat because they'll be eating fast food and cookies and cakes they're brought, and won't necessarily have the time to cook real food themselves. If they're expecting that you're going to spend some time there and aren't stressed about their kitchen, maybe even bring some stuff to cook them dinner. If you do that though, make sure you clean up after yourself.

Hamju

Be there, listen, be patient and bring food. I was a wreck after my dad died and didn't have the energy or correct state of mind to cook, so I appreciated all the food that people brought.

Corvus

Food is good. Neighbours brought us food after my Dad died, and that was a big help not having to cook for a few days.

Even if you're expecting it, it is still incredibly hard to deal with. I was kind of a mess for a year afterwards. Usually when its something that was expected, it means you've been dealing with a chronic illness and that is incredibly draining. Unexpected vs expected death are both terrible, just terrible in different ways.

Mom2Kat

I will also echo the food thing. When my Mother passed unexpectadley 5 years ago I had to tell my Father over the phone as she had died while visiting me. I then had to call my Grandmother to go tohim as she was only an hour away and I was a 7 hour drive plus Ferry time. By the time we got to Dad's house Grandma got to me to try and get Dad to eat. The first few days were just awfull but our friends and family were awesome. The food some brought was awesome because I did not have to worry about trying to deal with that on top of everything else.

Other than that just be there. My husband even now just squeezes my hand when ever I talk of my mother. Just to let me know that he cares. Offer to do small chores because I can tell ou even if it was expected they will still be overwhelmed and greiving. So not constantly ask how your friend is doing but don't ignore it either. It is a fine line to walk to between being naggy and seeming callous.