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Best friend's fiancee's best friend
Arfenhouse
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Preface: writing this on my iPhone, so sorry for any spelling errors.
Tomorrow I'm going tubing with my best friend, his girlfriend, and her best friend. I've known my best friend for 15 years, his girlfriend for 5 years, and her best friend for a couple of years. She's way out of my league in looks, but in as far as brains go I may be...further developed. We're all 21 FYI.
I guess the problem is I'm insanely attracted to this girl, despite her not being my usual "type". Tomorrow we're going tubing and we're all sharing a hotel room. We've flirted off and on since she's broken up with her ex so I can safely say she has at least a superficial interest in me. The problem is, I don't want to make things awkward for everyone. If need be, I can ignore my attraction and proceed like normal. I just need some kind of advice either way, because I'm stuck right now. Sober, I can consciously make myself not flirt with her. But drunk, like we will be tomorrow, I'm going to try and do something, unless I am given advice to the contrary.
So what will it be, H&A? Pursue my best friend's girlfriend's best friend, or leave it be and not upset the precarious balance we have now? They know I'm attracted to her, by the way.
Tomorrow I'm going tubing with my best friend, his girlfriend, and her best friend. I've known my best friend for 15 years, his girlfriend for 5 years, and her best friend for a couple of years. She's way out of my league in looks, but in as far as brains go I may be...further developed. We're all 21 FYI.
I guess the problem is I'm insanely attracted to this girl, despite her not being my usual "type". Tomorrow we're going tubing and we're all sharing a hotel room. We've flirted off and on since she's broken up with her ex so I can safely say she has at least a superficial interest in me. The problem is, I don't want to make things awkward for everyone. If need be, I can ignore my attraction and proceed like normal. I just need some kind of advice either way, because I'm stuck right now. Sober, I can consciously make myself not flirt with her. But drunk, like we will be tomorrow, I'm going to try and do something, unless I am given advice to the contrary.
So what will it be, H&A? Pursue my best friend's girlfriend's best friend, or leave it be and not upset the precarious balance we have now? They know I'm attracted to her, by the way.
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So the only thing remaining that you don't really know is whether they're setting you two up with her knowledge or without it.
Second, it does sound a bit like a setup. You're probably okay to flirt, but don't lay it on too thick, and just see what happens.
I would not, however, try anything else in the hotel room. If you're all in one room, that can get very awkward very fast. Be friendly and open, flirt with her, and if it feels like things went well, pursue something when the trip is over. Obviously this won't be the last time you see her, so it's not really a do-or-die situation. Go, have fun, don't worry about getting laid or "trying something".
To paraphrase the immortal advice given in the OK Cupid thread: Let a woman decide whether or not she's into you, don't make the decision for her.
In the words of the illustrious (and frequently quoted now) shitmydadsays guy;
"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
As far as something happening in the hotel room, the last time she shared a room with my best friend and his girlfriend, she was with her ex and they had sex at the same time as each other while "doing the American Psycho thing" of flexing in jest (two twosomes going on at the same time, not a foursome). To be frank that's something I don't want to happen, because I'm not comfortable with it.
http://www.arfenhaus.com
http://arfenhaus.blogspot.com
The last two posters are absolutely right, I say just go for it - if she doesn't want it, she'll let you know. Flirt with her, lay on the charm if you want to, but for your friends' sakes don't cause any awkward situations in the hotel room.
This just in. Men and women can hang out together without it being a "set up" for something else.
Let it play out naturally. Maybe try and not get completely wasted?
Wow. She sounds like a winner. Is that the kind of girl you want to date?
There aren't many of those that have a personality that matches yours.
Don't go for the psycho ones.
There doesn't seem to be anything severely wrong with that. She had sex with her boyfriend at the time while close friends had sex next to them. Maybe none of them are shy about their bodies? Maybe they were all great mates? Just because people aren't ashamed about their sexuality doesn't make them a weirdo. Are you the type to turn off the light, pull the sheets up and close your eyes?
Its an individual preference but judging someone on a sentence in ridiculous.
There are quite a few stops between "Quaker-coitus" and "Fucking in front of your fucking friends"
And for what it's worth, speaking personally, that is absolutely the kind of girl I'd want to date.
Nothing wrong with that if they are also fucking in front of you at the same time.
Seriously people, group sex is more common than you think. Not everyone is as sexually inhibited as you are. This does not make them psychos.
While we may disagree with their choices and lifestyle doesn't mean we should be judgmental. Seeing how they're 21 NOW, this incident happenned, at the latest, when they were probably 20. Summer+beach+alcohol = sexy times. Having to share a hotel room is probably where it all started. If one couple's going to be fucking, you think booze-and-hormone addled college kids are going to allow themselves to be shown up?
Mmmmm....toasty.
To the question of "should I or shouldn't I?"
The regret of not trying to pursue something you want is a nagging one and I suggest you try to minimize decisions that result in that type of regret.
Look, no matter what happens it doesn't have to get awkward unless you make it awkward. So if she shoots you down don't get all butthurt; let it go, keep a positive attitude and just have fun and any awkward time will pass quickly. And if she's receptive, but doesn't want something as serious as you might want then just roll with it. Awkward moments can be avoided if you watch for hints and don't press matters when you shouldn't.
Regardless, don't drink so much that you start acting like an ass.
Mmmmm....toasty.
To clarify, I'm not comfortable with it because it's my best friend in the room with me, not because the girl is sexually uninhibited. I like that, psycho be damned.
And thanks to everyone for being reassuring and telling me to avoid awkward situations. Hopefully I can just have fun this weekend and it won't be weird. Who the hell doesn't have fun tubing?
http://www.arfenhaus.com
http://arfenhaus.blogspot.com
This is a danger. Gotta watch my intake.
http://www.arfenhaus.com
http://arfenhaus.blogspot.com
Well, obviously. I used a lot of hedge words and even noted that we're not getting the full story.
1) get her contact. It doesn't even have to be a number. Msn and email works even better because girls feels more secure with the block filter if things go horribly wrong.
2) Arrange stuff to do alone with just each other. That will get rid of that eerie feeling that she's your friend's friend and rather she's your date.
General advice: don't get too put-offish. You are probably sending mix signals and the last thing a girl needs, whether she's interested in you or not, is to play mind games. If she rejects you or rather just want to stay friend of friends, it's her decision.
Honestly forget looks and whatever else and see where you can take it. You're 21, and even if this is a massive embarassment and she never speaks to you again, there will be other women in your future.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
So the river trip was fun. A few family issues occurred but we all got sunburnt and had fun. The whole time, she was flirting and grabby and "don't let go of me" when we hit the rapids. I "saved" her when she fell over twice, and during a brief moment away from the other two, she asked me when we were gonna go on our movie date. I said Sunday would probably be best, as we'd be too tired getting back Saturday.
At this point I'm excited but hiding it well. I haven't been on a date in a long long time, and never with someone YES OUT OF MY LEAGUE. I'm not a bad looking guy but appearance-wise she's got 10 guys at a time hitting on her that look like Abercrombie and Fitch models or bodybuilders. So the day comes, we're gonna go see a movie, when out of the blue she invited my best friend and his girlfriend. So now it turns into a double date, which is okay I guess. Except it's not a date. She's in no way flirty, she's hanging around her friend (the girlfriend), she bought her own ticket online without telling me, etc etc.
After the movie (Shrek 3D), we get out and she makes the suggestion kind of to herself that we should go ice skating. Being burnt, the other two immediately went "uh uh no" but I said I was interested, I actually really enjoy ice skating. I told her as much, to which she replied "only if they go too".
At this point it becomes marginally clear to me that I'm in no way going anywhere with this girl. I tell my best friend, who essentially gives me a play by play about how he thinks the relationship would even go if it happened (badly). Being that I'm staying here with them in their house for the summer while off from school, I don't want to make things awkward, because the other girl is going to be around a lot as well.
I appreciate everyone's advice. I haven't been anything but myself this entire time, which is new for me. It helped being around my best friend.
And Pheezer, I do believe there will be other women in my future. But there are three things that I personally find essential to be happy: The love and respect of my friends, the love and respect of my family, and the love and respect of a woman. I have the first one, but I'll never have the second. I've been single for 4 years now (and thats after my one and only girlfriend of two months), and I'm terribly tired of it. It's all that I can do to make sure I don't make any rash decisions out of desperation. To put it bluntly, I've been single all my life. I want to change it, but it's not really easy for me.
No one wants the semi-attractive nerdy awkward guy. It is as it is. Not feeling sorry for myself, this is just the truth that I've heard from many of my female "friends". At my age, I'm not desirable at all.
But thanks to you all. I appreciate the advice.
http://www.arfenhaus.com
http://arfenhaus.blogspot.com
I have a lot of female friends who would disagree with this statement.
Here are some hats
for your pity party
Lots of women love goofy, cheesy, self-effacing dudes. Generally though, they do not like people who tear themselves down, unless "they" have some serious issues themselves and gravitate to damaged people.
If you're not happy outside of a relationship, you definitely won't be happy in one.
Work through your issues outside of a relationship, spare your significant other the misery.
What you originally wrote is just another way of saying the famous "Nice guys finish last." The reality is that SHY guys finish last, but they don't want to work on being not-shy, so they confuse being shy with being nice.
There are so many people in this world with so many different tastes that you should not be balancing being true- to-yourself against being successful in your relationships. Plenty of girls want the semi-attractive nerdy guy, but you have to be willing to ask them out! Sure sometimes you'll luck out, but the way the world works is that you will have better dating success and be generally happier if you develop the confidence to, in plain words, ask for things that you want. It is a skill, and no, it isn't easy, but it's a worthwhile skill to develop. Take the awkward out, and the rest of the package is there! You rock! Know it
3clipse: The key to any successful marriage is a good mid-game transition.
You are feeling sorry for yourself and you are wrong.
I am a semi-attractive nerdy awkward guy too, and you know what? I've just bought a house wih a lovely girl.
This isn't meant to be a gloat, it's more to point out that there is someone out there that will like you for exactly who you are, not what you think you should be. So chin up.
Of course I realise that's easier said than done as I sure didn't listen when people used to tell me the very same thing.
Jesus, this. This wasn't the last single girl on the planet, this is the one that was put in a social situation with you. Go out and introduce yourself to some womens.
Stranger things have happened than a woman finding an older nerd attractive and falling in love. So try not to get too melodramatic about it.
this really is the world's best example of : if you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right.
This is kind of scary cause while I'm not a quintessential nerd... I am 32, nerdy, and somewhat pasty and I just met this really awesome girl who is in no way a nerd.
and there are millions more of me too, you just can't separate ladies into "leagues" and then bemoan how you're out of hers, cause then they'll be all "Oh man I'm a 6 but dude is only into 8 and up aw maaaaaan" and nothing will go anywhere. Numbers and leagues are just plain stupid and it eliminates a bunch of perfectly viable options arbitrarily.
NNID: Hakkekage
No. Really.
It's funny, and apparently relavent.