The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Dealing With Rejection
Iso
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hi guys, long time lurker, first time poster here, and what better way to kick-off than with emotional issues?
I guess the issue of getting over a rejection or a breakup has already been covered countless times, but being human, I guess we all think that our circumstances are unique, even though they're the same, and I suppose I need to vent a little, so please hear me out.
I knew this girl in the middle of last year, because we were in the same class. Didn't have much reason to talk to each other at first, but then we ended up in a smaller group for tutorials and started talking to each other. We hit it off pretty well, discovered that we could tolerate each other for more than a few minutes, and decided to study together for the upcoming finals.
Over the course of a few months, we grew pretty close and became good friends. I considered her one of my closest friends at that point, if not the closest, and I think she felt the same about me. So we started hanging out together more, went for meals, a movie or two and spent hours chatting in person and online. Being close friends, I guess we soaked each other's emotional issues as well, what with her unstable relationship with her guy, and my long-distance one which was dying rapidly.
Considering that we were keeping in very frequent contact with each other for a few months (I think at one point we were texting each other 20-30 times a day), I suppose it was inevitable that feelings would get involved and I fell for her. Completely. She had a great personality, had a similar sense of humour, and I thought she was the prettiest thing in the world. Above all things, we got along marvelously, and mutual friends have asked me why I haven't asked her out yet.
Our previous relationships ended at roughly the same time, and some weeks later, I told her my feelings. Unfortunately, her answer was a flat 'no'. She said that we were good friends, and that my company was enjoyable, but that she couldn't see us as anything more than just friends. And that was that. Even more unfortunately, I became really emotional, and never really recovered since. It's been five months.
She's back together with her previous guy, and they're happy together, from what I hear. So life has been good for her. It hasn't for me. I've been despondent since the night I got rejected, and things have been awkward between us. We still see each other because of our mutual friends who arrange group outings, and conversation is polite, but when I do talk to her alone, things are bad. I've called her two or three times since, and I just end up being really emotional and nearly in tears while she tried to steer the conversation to everyday topics. And things have been like that since.
I've never asked anyone out since, and I guess I'm not ready to, considering my current state. I really still miss her, even though I seldom talk to her anymore, and have been depressed for the past few months. The loss was two-fold - not only was I rejected, but I lost one of my best friends in the process, one who I talked to every day. Going from sharing everything and doing stuff together to silence the next day is harsh. I still really want to be with her, even though it's not possible, I guess, and I still wonder where things went wrong, and whether everything was just in my head. Part of me regrets ever falling in love with her, because it has brought nothing but trouble.
I've given myself time to recover, but it's been a long time, considering the fact that we were never together in the first place, so I should have gotten over it by now. But I haven't. I still think of her every day, feel terrible every day, and every time I see her is a reminder of what I've lost.
So, dear forumers, I need advice, on what I should do to forget her.
Thanks.
I guess the issue of getting over a rejection or a breakup has already been covered countless times, but being human, I guess we all think that our circumstances are unique, even though they're the same, and I suppose I need to vent a little, so please hear me out.
I knew this girl in the middle of last year, because we were in the same class. Didn't have much reason to talk to each other at first, but then we ended up in a smaller group for tutorials and started talking to each other. We hit it off pretty well, discovered that we could tolerate each other for more than a few minutes, and decided to study together for the upcoming finals.
Over the course of a few months, we grew pretty close and became good friends. I considered her one of my closest friends at that point, if not the closest, and I think she felt the same about me. So we started hanging out together more, went for meals, a movie or two and spent hours chatting in person and online. Being close friends, I guess we soaked each other's emotional issues as well, what with her unstable relationship with her guy, and my long-distance one which was dying rapidly.
Considering that we were keeping in very frequent contact with each other for a few months (I think at one point we were texting each other 20-30 times a day), I suppose it was inevitable that feelings would get involved and I fell for her. Completely. She had a great personality, had a similar sense of humour, and I thought she was the prettiest thing in the world. Above all things, we got along marvelously, and mutual friends have asked me why I haven't asked her out yet.
Our previous relationships ended at roughly the same time, and some weeks later, I told her my feelings. Unfortunately, her answer was a flat 'no'. She said that we were good friends, and that my company was enjoyable, but that she couldn't see us as anything more than just friends. And that was that. Even more unfortunately, I became really emotional, and never really recovered since. It's been five months.
She's back together with her previous guy, and they're happy together, from what I hear. So life has been good for her. It hasn't for me. I've been despondent since the night I got rejected, and things have been awkward between us. We still see each other because of our mutual friends who arrange group outings, and conversation is polite, but when I do talk to her alone, things are bad. I've called her two or three times since, and I just end up being really emotional and nearly in tears while she tried to steer the conversation to everyday topics. And things have been like that since.
I've never asked anyone out since, and I guess I'm not ready to, considering my current state. I really still miss her, even though I seldom talk to her anymore, and have been depressed for the past few months. The loss was two-fold - not only was I rejected, but I lost one of my best friends in the process, one who I talked to every day. Going from sharing everything and doing stuff together to silence the next day is harsh. I still really want to be with her, even though it's not possible, I guess, and I still wonder where things went wrong, and whether everything was just in my head. Part of me regrets ever falling in love with her, because it has brought nothing but trouble.
I've given myself time to recover, but it's been a long time, considering the fact that we were never together in the first place, so I should have gotten over it by now. But I haven't. I still think of her every day, feel terrible every day, and every time I see her is a reminder of what I've lost.
So, dear forumers, I need advice, on what I should do to forget her.
Thanks.
Iso on
0
Posts
2. Are you Facebook friends? Erase her for now.
3. Hang out with your friends.
4. Time heals all wounds.
It's like a hangover. Nothing but time and greasy food.
This relationship is like a limb that has been eternally set on fire.
If you can't put out the fire, sever the limb entirely. It'll hurt, but it'll be less pain in the long run.
When you begin to realize that you're a good person worthy of the affections of others and perhaps even the love of a beautiful woman, you're on the right track. When you get to the point where you realize "Hey, everybody gets rejected at some point in time in their life, and I'm not going to let this crush me" then you're in the right place.
You take your chances when admitting feelings to a friend you're interested in like that. Sometimes (though rarely) it works out. Most times it doesn't. Truth is, it's not the end of the world, you got many years yet to find happiness with another person. Yeah, she was great, she was special, she was beautiful. But there are a *lot* more out there that are just as special and beautiful as she was. And if you keep trying, you'll probably find one who is into you just as much as you're into them. Believe me, the sheer numbers of the situation are on your side.
Just keep trying, and realize that you deserve happiness and someone special to you just as much as anyone else, rejection is a natural part of the process of finding that person, and that this isn't supposed to be easy for anyone. If it was easy, you wouldn't appreciate it the same in the end.
Anyways, good luck, feel better soon, and don't be so hard on yourself. Also, read this, if only for laughs: Ladder Theory
I don't think there's a magic bullet for getting over someone. just have to distract yourself with friends or hobbies or what have you, as was already stated. forcing yourself to date might help, too. maybe all you need is the right new girl in front of you, and you'll realize what you've been missing by holding onto the impossible.
And anytime you start thinking about how you'll never meet someone new and you'll be alone for the rest of your life, just read this
and remember that you never know when or where your next great relationship will come from. The sooner you can put yourself in a position to meet new people (mentally, emotionally, and physically), the sooner you'll meet that next great person.
And don't beat yourself up over how you felt (you can't control that) or how she felt (you can't control that either). It's better you told her how you felt and gotten it over with than live with it and have to watch as she gets back with her guy. You did what felt right at the time and there's nothing wrong with that. She just didn't feel the same - it happens to everyone.
I guess this episode exposed some self-esteem issues which have always been lurking under the surface. Until I fix those, I'll probably keep pining for her or feel like crap, which isn't going to help things.
Self-esteem does seem a bit hard to regain though...
No problem man, just remember most everyone goes through the same sort of stuff. I know I did, it's just part of getting into the game.
Key to getting in and staying in a successful relationship is to first be happy with yourself. Most folks naturally come to a point where they finally start to feel comfortable in their own skin, just takes time, a little bit of hardship, and some well timed introspection.
When you start to like the guy you are, the man you can become, and that self-confidence starts showing through on its own, people are drawn to it and the dating scene gets a little easier to deal with. Until then, just appreciate yourself for the person you are, and what anyone else thinks about won't affect you so much.
Oh, and learn some of the tells of being in the 'friend zone' with a woman. It'll save you a lot of confusion in the future.
I've hit the same wall this year. I've been pining for my ex and have felt like utter rubbish. What I've come to realize is that everything I'm feeling is completely wrapped around my own self-image issues. In my situation it isn't fair to blame the pain I've been feeling on her, although the break up definitely was the catalyst. I've since been attempting to fix what I'm hating about myself and I've noticed that the little efforts I've put forth so far have shown results from the people around me. Hang in there and come out of this stronger, you'll be in a much better position.
You and me? We're much alike. I went through a kind of similar situation, only she seemed all over me and I only fell for her once it seemed like a sure thing. But nope, she liked some other guy more than me, and that's that. We're still friends, but I can't say that's better than not being friends at all.
It's been 9 months or so now, and I'm still crazy about her. It hurts to think that I can't be with her, I think about her a ton, and it brought a ton of issues I already had to front in order to be dealt with. I decided I needed therapy, but you may not need something so drastic. Cut her out of your life if you can, and try to be with friends. If you think you really need help, get help (it's something that's lifted a lot of weight off of my shoulders, just the idea that things can be better).
So yeah, I know it really sucks, but if you do what you need to do, you'll heal.
Eventually I got over the whole thing when I came to accept that our lives just weren't in alignment, and probably never would be. No matter how well we got along, it didn't matter- the timing was off, the location was off, what we wanted from each other wasn't the same thing. It's easy to look at a potential relationship from an abstract, idealized perspective, but it is almost never a reflection of the truth of things. You can't control who does or does not love you. It isn't really a reflection of who you are or your value, attraction just happens or it doesn't. The question I had to ask myself after a bit of reflection was, "what's the point in dwelling on this?" It helped greatly. I also forced myself to go out and have fun, even if I was sure that something was going to be terrible. I was almost always wrong, and I ended up meeting a great woman by forcing myself to go out and have fun.
My Little Game Blog - http://profundospielen.blogspot.com/
Yeah, I tried staying friends with her for a while, but in the end it just made things worse and now we're only on polite speaking terms. :? But yeah I guess it really is a self-esteem issue, and that's why things are so hard, because you'll feel worthless and useless especially after a precipitating event like this. Putting myself in the shoes of a distant observer, I do see that the rejection, though it admittedly was a loss, shouldn't have affected me so badly, and while she is a great person, no one is worth going through so much emotional pain for, and the worst thing is that the pain is mostly self-inflicted.
I've done a lot of talking to friends recently, been distracting myself by trying different activities, and I suppose it has helped a bit, so I guess the only thing left to do is to regain some confidence before I slip back down.
I'm worthless ==> she doesn't like me ==> no one will like me ==> let's just let myself rot
... which is, from an objective point of view, retarded. But retarded as it may be, as soon as I find myself alone and not doing anything, I keep ruminating over these thoughts. It's not gotten to the point where I hear voices and such, but the general impact on my mood and performance is pretty bad.
My dad's best friend has a daughter a couple months younger than me. They got together for Michigan football games, Christmas parties, the occasional dinner party, etc. Being the same age we tended to hang out at these things for a while, started kind of ignoring each other when we were bitchy middle schoolers, started talking again and became good friends in high school (and she got really cute), I fell for her, her not so much, it crushed me, we had a really rough year because I was similar to how you're feeling now, but I got over it eventually when I met new people my freshman year of college we started remembered why we were friends originally. Now she's one of my two closest friends, so this kind of thing is possible.
I made the mistake of staying in contact with her too much and so it ended up taking me about a year to completely get over her. So I would agree. Try to take a break from communicating with this girl, meet some new people, hang out with other good friends. I suspect eventually you'll reach a point where it's not a big deal to you to be near her and then hopefully you can return to being good friends because losing one of those sucks, but it's going to take some time.
Also: results potentially not typical. So don't force yourself to re-establish friendship with this girl, only if you're feeling good about yourself and think you can be around her without either a) pining for her or b) feeling worthless because she rejected you.
Seeing a therapist will definitely help. My relationship story 'short version': met girl online, chatted all the time, we realized it went too fast and couldn't turn into anything "real", had a nasty argument that brought up real issues and forced me to face them. I got into therapy.
The therapist is there to listen. This will be a time for you both to explore your issue(s). My therapist had me see a doctor so I could get a definitive diagnosis for depression and the subsequent prescription. Most universities have free or discount counseling services for students. You will be able to talk to this person about anything and everything without fear of judgment or social stigma.
The therapist will be that objective voice you, and most of us, need. It really helped my life, and it can't hurt to try it.
Therapy is a really good idea, you won't be judged, and it'll give you a perspective on the situation that you're obviously not getting mulling it over in your head all the time.
No such thing as the "friend zone". Ladder theory sucks, please don't cite it.
I'm pretty sure he mistook what you were saying.
Yes, because the "friend zone" is pretty offensive and has shitty connotations.
i agree wholeheartedly. you never know where the next great relationship will come out of. my best one so far came out of a guy mistakeing me for a biker chick because my cousins are all bikers and so is my best friend tara and i wear a lot of leather in winter so he started on about bikes and i know nothing about bikes and told him that and he just said "you seem to know a good few of the motorcycle suspects so you must be good people" and things went from there its a long story but i arived in a very dark part of his life and we became friends then things developed further and things were very happy besides the long distance and neither of us having money and the 10 year age gap. oh and the social and religious devide (me middle class catholic, him lower to working class protestant in a very sectarian area) so anything can happen
Eh, reminds me of bros before hoes.
Which is another stupid mentality and phrase.
Look up ladder theory to know why it's hated.
Bros before hos is a whole different issue. First, if the girl's worth it, she ain't gonna make you choose unless you're abusing the priveledge and ignoring the shit out of her. Second, calling all women "hos" is not cool.
Both of those are beyond true. I don't get how you can argue with this.
Look buddy, the term "friend zone" is an invention of ladder theory. It doesn't matter if you give a shit about it or not. It's still a stupid, offensive term, and it's your responsibility to know that. The fact that you are still wilfully ignorant about it and refusing to apologize for being a silly goose is just embarrassing.
Except for all those people who start out in the "friend zone" and end up going out or even getting married.
Just because a woman thinks of you as their friend does not mean there is no potential for something more. Sometimes things like that take time to develop. Whether it's a good idea to stick around for it to happen is something you need to judge on a case by case basis.
I don't know where you expect things to go from here, even though I used terminology you didn't like. You can keep trying if you like, but I'm pretty sure he's in the place where someone is not going to be more than friends. Perhaps we can call it something like "the area where you are when she doesn't want a romantic relationship".
No, you're a goose for not knowing the real meaning of the said catch phrase, and blatantly refusing to look up its origins to find out why you should never use it.
Ladder theory is dumb. Everyone knows this. Saying 'sometimes you wind up in the friend zone' isn't some sort of offensive statement by extension.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
Yeah, that's true. Is it offensive if I use that same mentality? Because I do, and will always, because I'd rather call someone just friends instead of "God, you'd be an annoyance beyond annoyance if we were together"
I really want to be friends with her again, and it seems really dickish to just ignore her completely and just go about our merry business as if we never ever knew each other. She's said that she'll always be happy to be friends, so to say 'sorry, I can't handle this' seems to send the message that I was just trying to get into her pants.
On the other hand, it's just feels horrible to be around her but not with her, and it also feels wrong to just tag along hoping for a chance, when she's made it clear that she doesn't want anything more than friendship.
Take a vacation. She should understand if she is a friend. And I don't mean a real vacation, but a "I'm going to spend time away so I can help get over this" vacation.
Well, that's perfectly normal. My advice on this is to not burn your bridges, but take the time you need for yourself to be cool about it. That could be a while, rejection sucks like that, and it could be a long time before you're really ok with everything.
And just be honest with her about it. Something like "Hey, yeah, being friends would be cool. But since I'm dealing with the rejection right now, I'm going to take some time for myself. So, later on, when I feel like I can hang around you and not feel bad, we can be cool again. I value your friendship, and despite my well-intentioned yet rebuffed advances, I'd like to keep that friendship. Just give me time to move on, and hopefully we can pick it back up when I do."
If she's ever dealt with rejection before, she should be able to relate at least on a cursory level and have sympathy enough to understand your situation, and why you choose to not be around her for a while. If she's really the friend you believe her to be, then when/if you're ever ok with it, you guys stand a chance being really good friends again.
A little rejection and pain isn't worth giving up someone you really value as a person and a friend. You just have to reevaluate how you think/act towards them now that clear boundaries have been set between the two of you.
-or- Depending on how you feel about it all after getting over it, you could walk away and not look back. Clean breaks can be really good things too. It all depends on your preference.
Really though, whatever happened to just reading it for the misogynistic lulz?