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Stopping My Medication
Gandalf_the_Crazed
VigiloConfidoRegistered User regular
VigiloConfidoRegistered User regular
The long version, some of which is also contained in previous H/A threads:
TL;DR: Started depression/anxiety meds in late 2008, have adjusted them since then, have gone to therapy, was doing really well as of mid-to-late spring semester this year.
Here's the thing. I don't want to be on these meds forever, and NOW was the best time for me to stop, because:
1) I'm tight on money, and the combination of the two meds was expensive relative to my situation.
2) It's summer, so things aren't quite as hectic as they could be.
So I talked to my doctor, and I stopped taking them towards the end of the spring semester. Went through withdrawal ("the zaps") during finals week, which probably could have been planned better, but I handled it OK. And I was OK, and continued being OK.
Now I'm starting to realize, though, that I may have only "been OK" because I hadn't hit any rough patches, emotionally, during that time. Unfortunately, this past week has been a clusterfuck for me emotionally, and all my weak points have been triggered -- people not communicating with me (which questions my self-worth), money getting tense (it's very easy for me to become obsessed with my money), and just general silliness to do with girls. So for the first time since I stopped my meds, I'm getting back into a situation where I truly remember why I took them in the first place.
I know I can do this. I know it. I know I can make the transition and learn to go without the medication. But I'm just not sure how at this point. How do I stop the brooding? The cycling thoughts which feed into each other? Talking to friends (not about this stuff, just instead of this stuff) helps for a little while, but I can hardly talk to people 24/7, and in any case I don't want to let my friends become a substitute drug for me; they're people, not pills.
I'm definitely not as bad as I used to be, but honestly I can feel the slope, and I don't want to let myself gradually slide down it.
TL;DR: Halp?
Started taking Wellbutrin in the fall of 2008, because I was depressed to the point that some days I just couldn't get out of bed. Began experiencing insomnia as a side effect -- the doc put me on Rozerem, which helped.
During the spring of 2009, experienced steadily increasing anxiety. Thought it was just the consequence of having a "broken brain", as well as the fact that there was some bullshit going on with my roommate. Didn't consider the possibility that the medication might be aggravating it. Finally talked to the doctor about it during the summer, she confirmed that Wellbutrin can aggravate existing anxiety disorders, switched me from Wellbutrin to Citalopram.
Continued taking Citalopram and Rozerem throughout fall of 2009 and spring of 2010. In addition, I went to the counseling center at my university for therapy once a week, worked out some things. About midway through the spring semester, I started to actually feel good for the first time in a long time. In fact, multiple people (who had no idea about the medication, therapy -- any of it) commented that I seemed to be doing really well, that I seemed "to be really happy these days". And I was.
During the spring of 2009, experienced steadily increasing anxiety. Thought it was just the consequence of having a "broken brain", as well as the fact that there was some bullshit going on with my roommate. Didn't consider the possibility that the medication might be aggravating it. Finally talked to the doctor about it during the summer, she confirmed that Wellbutrin can aggravate existing anxiety disorders, switched me from Wellbutrin to Citalopram.
Continued taking Citalopram and Rozerem throughout fall of 2009 and spring of 2010. In addition, I went to the counseling center at my university for therapy once a week, worked out some things. About midway through the spring semester, I started to actually feel good for the first time in a long time. In fact, multiple people (who had no idea about the medication, therapy -- any of it) commented that I seemed to be doing really well, that I seemed "to be really happy these days". And I was.
TL;DR: Started depression/anxiety meds in late 2008, have adjusted them since then, have gone to therapy, was doing really well as of mid-to-late spring semester this year.
Here's the thing. I don't want to be on these meds forever, and NOW was the best time for me to stop, because:
1) I'm tight on money, and the combination of the two meds was expensive relative to my situation.
2) It's summer, so things aren't quite as hectic as they could be.
So I talked to my doctor, and I stopped taking them towards the end of the spring semester. Went through withdrawal ("the zaps") during finals week, which probably could have been planned better, but I handled it OK. And I was OK, and continued being OK.
Now I'm starting to realize, though, that I may have only "been OK" because I hadn't hit any rough patches, emotionally, during that time. Unfortunately, this past week has been a clusterfuck for me emotionally, and all my weak points have been triggered -- people not communicating with me (which questions my self-worth), money getting tense (it's very easy for me to become obsessed with my money), and just general silliness to do with girls. So for the first time since I stopped my meds, I'm getting back into a situation where I truly remember why I took them in the first place.
I know I can do this. I know it. I know I can make the transition and learn to go without the medication. But I'm just not sure how at this point. How do I stop the brooding? The cycling thoughts which feed into each other? Talking to friends (not about this stuff, just instead of this stuff) helps for a little while, but I can hardly talk to people 24/7, and in any case I don't want to let my friends become a substitute drug for me; they're people, not pills.
I'm definitely not as bad as I used to be, but honestly I can feel the slope, and I don't want to let myself gradually slide down it.
TL;DR: Halp?
Gandalf_the_Crazed on
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Also don't be afraid to rely on the friends you have that are open to that kind of stuff. Consider seeing a psychiatrist who you can freely talk to about this kind of stuff.
Adopt a more active lifestyle - go outside and exercise or whatever, do concrete things. Limit the amount of time you spend doing sedentary stuff. Physical activity is very distracting and will prevent you from concentrating on negative thoughts.
Overall, you want to be looking for passion, some fire that keeps you in control of your actions. For me it's something akin to pure anger or energy which encourages breaks in routine. You're never going to fully unlearn self-destructive tendencies because your brain has already memorized the steps of that dance. But then this is different for everyone.
It's really hard to stop a train of thought once it gets out of the station, so you've got to experiment with different methods. If you cannot tell yourself, "look: this is not going to go anywhere good. Stop immediately and think of something else," then trick your brain with the aforementioned exercise or movie or hobby or something off-routine. It'll work better than you'll feel it logically should, especially in the case of exercise.
By the way, if you're spending most of the hours of the day here at your computer, then get off the internet. This is more advice to me than you.
Yeah, eat, sleep, and exercise. Make it so 8 hours of sleep gets you up at 6:00 AM for a nice full breakfast and a run around the block or something more exotic. Sounds pretty corny and superficial, but somehow it works like magic for no discernible reason to get that good outlook.
(Meanwhile, it's 3:00 AM where I'm at, and I know I'll wake up hungry and late. Don't do what I'm doing.)
Give yourself a reason to look forward to the next day by making sure you're fully capable of enjoying yourself each day. Yeah, pretty trite. For all I know, you could have some biological issue that prevents you from doing all that. But you'll be making a mistake if you automatically assume that's the issue. If it's all in your head, then that's the best case scenario: you're in control. But if you really believe that you have, I dunno, some rare thyroid or neurotransmitter disease which you probably don't have, then get a cheap blood test and some peace of mind.
as an endnote, you may want to ask your doctor if your anxiety medication can be used as a sleep aid in low doses. If it can, it'll knock you right out if you have trouble sleeping, but will do little else in terms of anxiety relief or side effects.
Doc: That's right, twenty five years into the future. I've always dreamed on seeing the future, looking beyond my years, seeing the progress of mankind. I'll also be able to see who wins the next twenty-five world series.
Good luck with this; I've been on and off meds much of my adult life, mostly because I start to feel better, feel better for a long time, say "I must be all better, for REAL this time!" and stop. Then something happens; it could be anything... something big, something small, or a series of meaningless events, or a period of stress, and I'll basically end up sobbing in a corner and feeling unable to face the next hour much less another day.
I saw a special once, about seven or eight years ago. One of those ones where a celeb gives their experience with bipolar disorder. This one had Carrie Fisher. She said that she would do the same thing: get onto her medication, go through a good period, feel better, go off, and end up back where she started. She was finally on for good and had been on for several years. She read a statistic while she was researching the whole thing that said that people who most need medication are also those who are least likely to stay on it, because they don't have a frame of reference for what "okay" is. They stay on for a while, feel so much better, think they're cured and can handle it now, and stop, and then she went on to say that the average person with BPD will try to go off their medication seven times before they finally realize that they need it, because the realization that it's not temporary is.. well.. upsetting.
That hit home for me. I'm still in this cycle, and in fact over the past couple days I've been considering that maybe going back on would be a really great idea. I don't want to be the person that needs it. I was so sure that this time I could do it, but I'm back in this funk and, even though everything is great and my life is going just... awesome, I feel like I can't handle it. Like I won't be able to do it and I can't continue.
What I'm saying is, good luck. Good luck being the person who doesn't need it, for really real. Stay in therapy if you can. That's huge. Remember to breathe, and look out for signs of stress, and stay on top of them. It's not easy, and I can relate. So can lots of others. Do your best to steel yourself for this rough patch, but if it doesn't work out, it's not a failure on your part. It's just one of those things.
When I was on the medication, I often thought that they weren't working because I still felt bad sometimes or got angry, but all those thoughts were negated when I found out what I was like off of them.
If you were doing well on medication and feel you are not doing well off of them, take your medication. Some people do need it to function, it stinks certainly, but you have to do what it takes to make you feel better.
I can not beleive you doctor let you quit cold turkey from SSRI's. You should have been scaling back to avoid the zaps. I have noticed the few time I ran out that the zaps and the reintroduction can make me feel awfull.
Continue to see your counseler and do what you must. But don't jump nto the meds are bad stigma. For some of us they are a god send.
This certainly isn't what I meant to communicate, especially given that there are members of my family who are still on meds and probably will remain on them for life. It's not that I am opposed to medication, it's simply that I don't want to take them...if that makes sense.
Actually, it probably doesn't make sense, but it's where I am right now. *shrug*
I talked to a close friend about it today. I'm going to get a steady job, get myself on a "normal person" routine, in an environment where I have more personal interaction with people, and see how things fare from there.
When I stopped taking medication there were times where I thought I might need to start taking it again. I decided to try a few things first. I started exploring new genres of music, started collecting(and drinking) tea, and forced myself to go outside and exercise while soaking up some sunlight. For me it was like night and day. In a matter of weeks I went from broody and bitter to optimistic and cheerful.
I understand that everyone is different but the things I believe help are therapists, hobbies, exercise, proper diet and moderate amounts of sunlight. I would go back to medication if you can't get anything to work for you but explore some of the many options out there. I know you said money was tight so you probably won't go the therapy route. If you do, remember that that first therapist you see might not be the right therapist for you. You need to find one that you click with. It makes a huge difference.
I hope something in that block of text can help you out.