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Long Distance Relationship...
Althane
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, here's the rundown:
Girlfriend and I had mutual crushes on each other last year of college. We both ask each other out shortly before the end of Fall semester (so around December), are happy to find out that we both want to go out, and then spend a week together before heading home for the holidays. Next semester goes by smoothly, for the most part (I'm a bit insensitive, and a lot stoic). We both end up applying for jobs and grad schools in the same town in AL, but I also applied for grad school at two other places, in TN and FL.
It's been about a month since we graduated, and right now we're both waiting to hear back from grad schools. I've let her know that I'm not interested in a very serious relationship until I'm done with grad school, but in the mean time I'm afraid she's become a bit dependent upon me. She's been rejected a few times, and apparently I'm the first guy to ask her out. She's the first girl I asked out, so I don't have prior rejection affecting me.
Anyways, fast forward to now. I told her that I'm not sure I could make the relationship work if I ended up going to TN or FL (which are my top two picks for schools). Needless to say... she didn't take it too well. She's basically unhappy that I'm not even going to try (which isn't necessarily what I said, I said I wasn't sure I could make it work. I operate a lot off of face-to-face talking, chatting and phone conversations doesn't really cut it for me). So, in short.... she's pissed because she thinks we communicate better when we're not at school (which is fair enough, mostly because she drives the conversations and I just say whatever I think), and I don't have any direct reasons why I couldn't make a long distance relationship work other than the fact that I just have the gut feeling something's going to go sour. *shrug*
So... basically, anyone have any advice for me in this situation? Should I just break up with her, and hope she gets over her dependence on me? Should I keep with it, and hope that things work out for the best?
I'm really just sort of.... WTF right now. Which I guess comes from the whole "not really emotional" thing. She's just... a lot more connected to me than I am to her.
Girlfriend and I had mutual crushes on each other last year of college. We both ask each other out shortly before the end of Fall semester (so around December), are happy to find out that we both want to go out, and then spend a week together before heading home for the holidays. Next semester goes by smoothly, for the most part (I'm a bit insensitive, and a lot stoic). We both end up applying for jobs and grad schools in the same town in AL, but I also applied for grad school at two other places, in TN and FL.
It's been about a month since we graduated, and right now we're both waiting to hear back from grad schools. I've let her know that I'm not interested in a very serious relationship until I'm done with grad school, but in the mean time I'm afraid she's become a bit dependent upon me. She's been rejected a few times, and apparently I'm the first guy to ask her out. She's the first girl I asked out, so I don't have prior rejection affecting me.
Anyways, fast forward to now. I told her that I'm not sure I could make the relationship work if I ended up going to TN or FL (which are my top two picks for schools). Needless to say... she didn't take it too well. She's basically unhappy that I'm not even going to try (which isn't necessarily what I said, I said I wasn't sure I could make it work. I operate a lot off of face-to-face talking, chatting and phone conversations doesn't really cut it for me). So, in short.... she's pissed because she thinks we communicate better when we're not at school (which is fair enough, mostly because she drives the conversations and I just say whatever I think), and I don't have any direct reasons why I couldn't make a long distance relationship work other than the fact that I just have the gut feeling something's going to go sour. *shrug*
So... basically, anyone have any advice for me in this situation? Should I just break up with her, and hope she gets over her dependence on me? Should I keep with it, and hope that things work out for the best?
I'm really just sort of.... WTF right now. Which I guess comes from the whole "not really emotional" thing. She's just... a lot more connected to me than I am to her.
Althane on
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How is she dependent upon you? You really haven't said. Does she just like you more than you like her and you see the connection as dependence, or do you actually pay her bills and stuff?
This sort of sounds like an excuse.
Edit:
She's clingy and such. For instance, I left my phone in the house when I went out to run errands, and when I got back I had two normal messages, one asking me if I was there, and then one asking if I was ignoring her, then another saying "Fine, if you want to ignore me then be that way". So... yeah.
It's not like I pay her bills or anything, but she did have the idea of us living together while we were both in the same town over the summer (I said no, since... well, first off my family wouldn't like that, and since I'm still dependent on them, that wouldn't be a wise thing to do).
And I like her fine, but I think it's like you said... I'm not nearly as into her as she is into me...
In general, though, I think long-distance relationships suck ass, and would recommend breaking up with her if you go to different schools.
But yeah -- do you like her? Are you happy to be with her? You say you would need to be with someone you could see and talk with in person, but you also say you're a "take it as it comes" guy -- which makes me think you don't really know if this wouldn't work for you.
Your enthusiasm is underwhelming me here.
Long distance relationships are struggles, and it sounds like it would seriously bring you down and be nothing but a miserable experience. You said you don't want to be in a serious relationship until after grad school. So why are you dating this girl?
Do you still want to date her if you do end up staying in the same state?
I say end it now, considering you only like her okay and want things to be casual while she likes you a lot and is serious about you
unless you're god's gift to earth, she'll get over you
Also, I've been in a LDR for the past year that has spanned 3 continents and 4 countries, so I'm somewhat qualified to speak on the subject.
If you aren't going to see each other regularly and if there is no definite end-date where the relationship is going to become a normal relationship, then you're pretty much doomed.
Well, honestly, I'm in a bit of a bad mood because of this right now. So... yeah.
She's a lot more fun and interesting to be around when she's being overly critical and analytical of herself. She's had a bit of a bad day (basically she called the grad school, and found out that they wouldn't likely accept her (she's an IT/Music major trying to get a masters in CS, and she's only IT because she didn't have enough time to get a full CS degree and her music degree. Now she's applying to the same institution as undergrad for CS), which leads to her being very negative. And it's a bit tiring to hear constantly.
They aren't really worth it at the best of times but for a girl you clearly have a "meh" attitude about? You're most likley going to end up sleeping with somone else and breaking her heart anyway.
I see this situation a lot, where it basically boils down to "I'm not really into her but she's so into me she might do something desperate if I break up with her". The answer to this is never to stay in the relationship and hope the situation somehow changes. You can't stay in an emotional hostage situation. All you can do is walk away and realise that whatever she does next isn't your problem anymore.
when she's.... not being overly critical of herself?
Right? Yes?
your attitude is only making me more certain that breaking up with her would be for the best (the timing sucks though)
Alright... thanks for the advice guys.
I'd probably break it off just for the reason that you're not as interested in her as she is with you. But that's just me.
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Long Distance relationships always have an end goal of getting back together, usually for good.
Is that what you really want? If not, then just break up and move on, but at least figure out where you're going first if you don't want to get stuck single for a while.
Relationships have broken up over lesser things before.
My wife is at a transition state in her life and she's lately had a few bouts of being self-critical and yeah, it sucks. And I often don't have anything to say. But if the "next step" for us would be a year or two in a LDR as she works on her career and I work towards changing jobs and wrapping up stuff here, staying with her wouldn't even be a decision for me because a decision implies you make a choice -- and I wouldn't consider leaving.
I'm not bringing that up to say "rah rah my relationship is awesome," but to point out that part of a good relationship is being supportive during the sucky times, too.
You're not a jerk for not wanting to go through 2+ years of a LDR, and you're not a jerk for saying "I'm not that into her, but I feel bad dumping her." You would be kind of a jerk if you lie to her and say "yeah let's make this work" and then dump her when you're out of state. You would also be kind of a jerk if you simply dump her now because of what *might* happen. After all, it sounds like she's not getting into grad school. Why couldn't she move with you if you get an offer out of state, and she finds a job?
I think this line, "I've let her know that I'm not interested in a very serious relationship until I'm done with grad school, " is more important than you realize.
This is really all you need to take from this.
Do both yourselves a favor and let it go now, rather than waiting until the pain is even more pronounced.
Not to mention the fact that you're sabotaging your chances of meeting someone new if you stay in this doomed relationship.
And vice versa. She could meet someone that cares about her just as much.
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I had a 4-year long LDR with my current GF. Not going to lie, it was pretty hellish. Don't do it unless you're really sure 'she's the one'. It's it's just a crush, it may not with worth it.