The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Coping with the death of friends
altmemories
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
This is an alt account.
Over the past year and a half (or so) my two closest friends died, one from injuries sustained in a car accident (occurred first), and the other by suicide. They were the people that I could talk to about anything, and, in the case of my first friend’s death, who I talked to almost exclusively about coping with the accident. That left me in a bit of a pickle after my second friend’s suicide, but what the fuck, as much as it pains me, and as much as I disagree with his reasons for doing so, it was his decision. In a sense, that made it easier but only insofar as that I wasn’t reduced to tears when trying to go to sleep for the next two months like I was for the first accident.
These were friends from High School, I should point out. I haven’t had trouble making new friends, I’ve done fine in college, and I’ve kept busy. But now it’s summer. The time when I would be talking to these people every day.
Fuck, I can’t even explain how this situation is painful because I knew these people for so long that it’s like large parts of the last 3 years of my life were torn out and simply deleted. How do you fucking summarize three years of your life? How a single person has affected you over three years? How two fucking people affected you over three years?
I don’t really know why I’m posting this. It’s my second summer without one of them, and the first summer without both of them. The only people that can consistently distract me enough to the point that I’m seemingly completely better are my girlfriend and my brother, but again, it’s summer and I'm not particularly close, geographically, to either of them at the moment. The added complication that my first girlfriend was actually the friend that died from injuries from the car accident (although we’d been separated for a few months) makes it hard to talk about to anyone, really, especially my current girlfriend.
I suppose I'd like to talk about it, but I already did that quite a bit. The idea of slowly moving on is actually pretty terrifying. How long before I don't think about them for a week? For a month? etc.
Also, fuck open casket funerals.
Over the past year and a half (or so) my two closest friends died, one from injuries sustained in a car accident (occurred first), and the other by suicide. They were the people that I could talk to about anything, and, in the case of my first friend’s death, who I talked to almost exclusively about coping with the accident. That left me in a bit of a pickle after my second friend’s suicide, but what the fuck, as much as it pains me, and as much as I disagree with his reasons for doing so, it was his decision. In a sense, that made it easier but only insofar as that I wasn’t reduced to tears when trying to go to sleep for the next two months like I was for the first accident.
These were friends from High School, I should point out. I haven’t had trouble making new friends, I’ve done fine in college, and I’ve kept busy. But now it’s summer. The time when I would be talking to these people every day.
Fuck, I can’t even explain how this situation is painful because I knew these people for so long that it’s like large parts of the last 3 years of my life were torn out and simply deleted. How do you fucking summarize three years of your life? How a single person has affected you over three years? How two fucking people affected you over three years?
I don’t really know why I’m posting this. It’s my second summer without one of them, and the first summer without both of them. The only people that can consistently distract me enough to the point that I’m seemingly completely better are my girlfriend and my brother, but again, it’s summer and I'm not particularly close, geographically, to either of them at the moment. The added complication that my first girlfriend was actually the friend that died from injuries from the car accident (although we’d been separated for a few months) makes it hard to talk about to anyone, really, especially my current girlfriend.
I suppose I'd like to talk about it, but I already did that quite a bit. The idea of slowly moving on is actually pretty terrifying. How long before I don't think about them for a week? For a month? etc.
Also, fuck open casket funerals.
altmemories on
0
Posts
And you know why? Because I was too good for grief counseling. I was busy, I didn't want to talk about it, whatever, and I didn't really cry at the time, so I guess I just figured time would make it better and I didn't need that stuff.
Oh well, I was wrong, and now here I am, still crying about it.
You've been through something real, and you're young. You should really consider some sort of counseling for this.
(Also I have to say, times like these I'm all the more glad I'm Jewish: no open-casket funerals allowed. I don't know if I could have handled that.)
Needing to talk about something more than you have already talked about it is not in any way weird, or obsessive or anything like that. Your brain wants to hit every point before it can move on - so let it. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
Shogun Streams Vidya
I've thought about counseling, but I seem to be perfectly fine as long as I'm away from home. When I'm at school, I really only get bogged down about it maybe once a month, if I'm particularly stressed out. But when I'm home, I'm surrounded by the memories of these people and it's rather overwhelming.
I'm sorry to hear that :-( It's really a cosmic slap in the face when someone you really cared about and thought would always be there just disappears.
I think I'll take you up on that PM
When my ex died, we pretty much did just that. Just about everyone in that extended friend group came back from college and tried to keep everyone else as happy as possible.
Both of my friends were in the same friend-circle, though, so when my other friend killed himself, no one really wanted to get together and be reminded of the two people that couldn't be there. Pretty much just tore open old wounds, if you will.
Thanks for the replies, guys.
My advice is to throw a party and talk about the fun stuff you guys did, have some drinks, play some music with significance and invite the people who also knew your friend(s) with the intention of just having a good time.
The largest part of grief for me is that I couldn't really figure out what I had done so differently that I am still around. After some substantial thought-time, I realized a couple of things that helped me quite a bit.
1.) There's nothing substantially important about when or why it happens, relish the time you spent and enjoy the rest of your life however long it may be, for benefit of their memory and so you can have a positive life effect on those around you.
2.) I felt angry that they decided to die (not really the best way to put it). I was angry they were in pain before they passed on, even with how nice and good a people they were. The best and worst of us will eventually leave this world. The difference is what your friends left behind for you, and what you will leave for the people you care about.
Honestly it doesn't ever go "away". You'll always miss the people who are no longer a part of your life. It will get better, though. Eventually the circumstance of their death will be a sort of footnote and it wont be the thing you think about first when you remember them. You'll think of the good, you may even smile and be thankful you had them around as long as you did.
Best of luck to you, sorry for the loss.
P.S.
Seriously, throw a party.
The only thing I really have to say is that you should never feel guilty about thinking less frequently about them. You won't forget them; trust me on that one. I'm sure your friends want you to be happy though; and you feeling guilty that you didn't think about them yesterday or today isn't very conducive towards that. Let the thoughts come naturally - don't run away from them, because I can't imagine that helping - but just remind yourself of that if you feel guilty.
That being said, just because they're gone now doesn't mean that whatever good times you shared before don't mean anything.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
It seemed to me that the process was very honed, after a few centuries of people doing things this way, to help you remember a person, try to understand that they were gone, and say goodbye.
I'd suggest that you need to figure out a way to do those 3 things, especially if the funeral didn't help, in addition to all of the standard advice I've seen in "getting over them" threads", i.e. surround yourself with friends and activities.
Why can't he do both? When my grandmother died we had the funeral, then went to her house and had a big party. Everyone came over, we cooked on the grill, and just had a good time chatting and eating.
https://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561197970666737/
I can't imagine losing my brother. That's really awful :-(
I know I shouldn't feel guilty. Hell, we fundamentally can't help but slowly leave the past behind us. But I'm stuck in my memories, wanting impossible things. I both want to move on and absolutely don't want to move on.
I'm not at all a religious person. So, being in the same room as the lifeless body of someone that I deeply care about while someone preaches things that I don't really agree with or believe are true for an extended period of time doesn't exactly bring me emotional solitude. "God works in mysterious ways," isn't an acceptable response, to me, for a completely random accident that takes the life of someone before they've even had a chance at life.
I don't mean to appear selfish. I absolutely respect the families' decisions to have funerals and their reasons for doing so. I just believe different things than they do, that is all.
I think that's a decent, normal mental state to be in at this time. Really, the fact that it's been spread out over 1 1/2 years might as well mean you've had a couple of weeks to deal with the entirety of the situation. You need more time, because the time separating the two events has literally been taken away. I'd keep a close eye on how you feel month to month about things.
One thing I am wondering about, and I have to state in advance, I've never had a relationship before - you want to talk about your ex with people, and you're worried that they don't understand.
Is there any reason why you couldn't talk with your current girlfriend about it? After all, you're supposed to be each other's emotional support. I understand it could be a very unpleasant thing for her to talk about, but it's a bit silly in of itself to not be able to discuss the effects of previous partners have had on you in even normal situation.
Obviously, you know the topics you can broach with her better than anyone (saying this to cover my ass, like I said, I know nothing about relationships.) but I think the only person who could relate with you on this is the one that shares a similar emotional connection.
When my Dad died seven years ago, I really did not want to go and felt that I was fine and didn't need any help. I can't imagine what sort of place I would be in right now if I hadn't spent those three years, on and off with school, seeing the doctor.
Yeah, if the ceremony/process was overly religious I totally understand why it wouldn't help. Those I've been to, even for my grandpa who was a devout catholic, were far more oriented toward how awesome he was that how awesome god is. Even if you believe it, having someone tell you you'll get to see them again when you die too is not really comforting.
So, if the funeral didn't do it, I'll reiterate, you need to go through that process somehow. Suggestions for a wake are great, so is grief counseling. Also, this:
This summer will be the 5th anniversary of my best friend getting killed in the Middle East. While I understand that it feels like you're fine when you're not around anything that reminds you of them, all that is really going on is that you're kinda side-stepping the issue. I did the same thing, I went up to school a month later and things seemed fine till I saw my other friends from home around Christmas and everything came back bigger than ever.
Now obviously I can only speak from my experience, but it definitely helped me to have a professional, outside of my realm of friends, that I was able to talk to. Knowing that this person wouldn't judge me about everything I felt and was there just to help me was very comforting. It was very difficult at first to go through, but eventually it got easier and sleeping wasn't as difficult anymore.
I'm really sorry for your loss and I hope that we can help you out in some way ... things will get easier, but it will take time and it depends on everyone else. I was finally able to start looking at pictures of him again a year after it happened, but it honestly is just different for everyone.
I've got to agree with Ceres here, I was in a similar situation about a year ago where my two best friends died in a short amount of time and thought that if I was far away it wouldn't effect me any and that I wouldn't be thinking it about. I didn't talk about it with my other friends and I certainly never considered go to see professional help/guidance. Seemed to go well until the Finals hit me this term and basically I broke down. Counselling helps.
This part here is especially resonant with me as it was how I felt. Then a time of prolonged stress came in and I really wasn't able to cope.
What I have learned so far is try to find friends to talk to. Counseling might be the way to go too. I personally haven't done counseling so I can't comment on how that is. But find people to talk with. Talk about the good memories, talk about how you feel. Don't let it stay bottled up.
I'm fighting through depression myself and only recently did I start opening up to my best friend. When my brother died i had 3 close friends (thought they were anyway) abandon me when I needed them. Like stopped talking/calling/etc right after he died. It was crazy and I dealt with a lot on my own. Now i realize they weren't true friends and it took me nearly a year to trust that I can try to talk about how i feel again without losing my best friend.
Also another thought is a grief journal. That way if you have things you just can't say outloud it helps to write them down.
Aside from my grief journal I also had a memorial tattoo on my wrist and wear one of my brother's guitar picks as a necklace. Do whatever you need to to cope.
I understand what you mean about it hitting you too. Generally i stay pretty busy. I work full time, I have 2 girls, and my husband. The times that are the roughest for me is on my 45 minute drive to and from work. I'm alone in the car and that's when i have time to think. I try music but sometimes a song will play that reminds me of my brother.
Hang in there man. I'm not going to say time heals all wounds because that is crap. Time just allows you to deal easier with the pain.
Keep Moving Forward. That's what i try to say when I am struggling to get through the day.
I don't think they're gonna pop up or anything. I just don't like staring at the prepared body. I've buried a few people in my life... grandparents, other relatives, friends who died in combat... it's creepy. I've seen dead bodies and even moved them so they could be recovered, and that didn't bother me as much as seeing the body in the casket with the funeral makeup on. I'm actually kind of relieved when the casket is closed.
And, let's be frank... I've been to a couple of funerals where there was no open casket option. I'm certainly not happy about that, and I realize how hard it is on a family when they can't see their boy, but way down inside, I was relieved (not happy, just relieved) that I didn't have to see that death mask.
If its interfering with your personal life, you may want to seek help from a professional in the psychiatric field.
A lot of negative stereotypes surround mental health. But with something like suicide (which involves a lot more complex and confusing emotions than just.... ahem... "regular death"), you may need to seek some help to overcome that.
My girlfriend of a year lost her significant other to suicide almost 5 years ago in an extremely horrifying way. It still haunts her to this day.
Whatever you need in this time, I've lost friends to suicide, war, overdose, auto accidents, and one of my friends (the drummer in my last band, whose death pretty much ended whatever musical aspriations I had) simply just woke up cold. PM me if ya need to talk.
(My qualifications: younger brother committed suicide at 18.)
Also: Fuck Funerals. They severely damage the grieving process for some people at the expense of others that "need" them for their own.