What's the prompt here? I know that the Common App usually asks you to say something general about yourself but this doesn't seem to fit that criteria, it's more of a general credo.
Where are you planning on applying with this, anyway?
There are many different forms of the common app. You can write about someone influential to you, an experience that changed your life, just writing about you in general.... there are many prompts. Mine is, quite obviously, a valued experience in my life and what I learned from it. Experience: cosplaying Witch at PAX East. Learned: to take chances and put myself out there.
Squall: I see your point, and I did think of that. It's one reason why I decided this topic in the first place - it's more than a little out there, and no one else can write about it.
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thorgotthere is special providencein the fall of a sparrowRegistered Userregular
edited June 2010
haha the open-ended part of my brown application was about my bar mitzvah
I would honestly put a 'duh' paragraph at the end where you clearly state stuff like "I learned about my own creativity" and "I wasn't afraid to stand out and be different". Stuff like that. Make it reflect back onto positive qualities about yourself.
It's hard to brag about yourself on paper, I know. But really an application is exactly where you want to do that.
I also recommend reading your essay out loud. It sounds odd at first but as you do it more and more it becomes a very useful tool for proofreading and reworking essays.
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BeastehTHAT WOULD NOTKILL DRACULARegistered Userregular
edited June 2010
so are there any pics floating about of your costume?
I would honestly put a 'duh' paragraph at the end where you clearly state stuff like "I learned about my own creativity" and "I wasn't afraid to stand out and be different". Stuff like that. Make it reflect back onto positive qualities about yourself.
It's hard to brag about yourself on paper, I know. But really an application is exactly where you want to do that.
You're right, and my school has tried to drill this into our heads, that the college essay is basically one big bragging right, because they don't know anything about you outside a few scraps of paper.
I tried to put that sort of stuff through out so that I didn't have to write that "duh" paragraph, hahahaha. My big bragging parts, though, were definitely in there - there's a whole paragraph dedicated to the possitive reation from the con as a whole. It served as an unofficial awards section that I couldn't put in my actual application.
Some pictures, as requested (are way too big so I'm not going to post them as pictures, sorry)
I'll admit, at PAX my first thought was that she was going to get her feet destroyed walking around the expo floor, and at one point one of the entrances was momentarily blocked by people taking pictures of you when I was trying to leave.
I point this out because that's the only bad things I can come up with to say about it. It was a pretty cool performance you put on.
I'll admit, at PAX my first thought was that she was going to get her feet destroyed walking around the expo floor, and at one point one of the entrances was momentarily blocked by people taking pictures of you when I was trying to leave.
I point this out because that's the only bad things I can come up with to say about it. It was a pretty cool performance you put on.
Thank you so much! (:
So main point that I need to do to the essay overall: make it more about what I learned from the experience than the experience itself.
(I know there's more stuff, but this is the major work-over I believe I need to do to it)
Edit: I updated it with the abbreviated list. I also got rid of a cliche and put my own little idea in there.... what do you guys think of the jar of candies analogy?
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VivixenneRemember your training, and we'll get through this just fine.Registered Userregular
I would agree with most of what's been said here, although my first reaction was no matter how passionate you are about cosplaying, it's probably not the best topic to choose to represent yourself in the college admissions process. That being said, if your committed to the idea, and it seems that you are, then you truly have to make it unique and memorable (in a good way) such that it sticks out in the admission officer's mind as "hey, this is inspired," rather than, "hey this is batshit crazytown over here". That all being said, it still needs to follow the "forumla" that all colleges look for: What does the experience say about the applicant and would this applicant be a good fit at our university?
1) I would make it equally about what the experience taught you as what the experience says about yourself. Furthermore, I would tailor it a bit to try and connect your experience/personal qualities to the university to which your applying. Say, X University has a great drama program or what have you, this would be an excellent.
2) Be passionate. Colleges like to see you have a deep passion for a subject, hobby, whatever. It makes their incoming classes seem well-rounded and helps them beef up their reputation of the school with the eclectic mix of jocks, gay black asian jews, and cosplayers. If you think I'm kidding, two of these people were trotted up during our orientation. But don't tell them your passionate. As simple as it would be, you can never just flat out say it, you also have to show it in your writing.
3) Try to stay light on the analogies. And quite frankly, I would lose the whole candies thing. College admissions read 10,000 essays that attempt to explain away life with a metaphor or analogy. About 5,000 probably use the "life is like a box a chocolates". It's about as bad as a law school essay beginning with the "kill all the lawyers" quote from Shakespeare. And after a while it becomes annoying and could easily land you in the reject pile not because your analogy isn't unique, it's just the guy reading your essay is tired of seeing them. And along that line, try not to write about how you think life is like xyz. You're only 18. It comes off as pretentious or at the least cliche that in your short time on earth, you have found the meaning of life. Admissions hates that. They would rather see an eagerness to learn about the world, then be told in an essay how it already is.
That's all I can think of right now, but I'm sure there is plenty more that can be said. And as helpful as everyone's comments seem to be, I would definitely give this to an advisor or teacher and get their thoughts. And I would also strongly suggest you pick up several of the 10 billion books out there about college admissions and the essays you have to write for them. They are full of excellent information as well important tips to help you craft the best college essay you can muster.
I would agree with most of what's been said here, although my first reaction was no matter how passionate you are about cosplaying, it's probably not the best topic to choose to represent yourself in the college admissions process. That being said, if your committed to the idea, and it seems that you are, then you truly have to make it unique and memorable (in a good way) such that it sticks out in the admission officer's mind as "hey, this is inspired," rather than, "hey this is batshit crazytown over here". That all being said, it still needs to follow the "forumla" that all colleges look for: What does the experience say about the applicant and would this applicant be a good fit at our university?
1) I would make it equally about what the experience taught you as what the experience says about yourself. Furthermore, I would tailor it a bit to try and connect your experience/personal qualities to the university to which your applying. Say, X University has a great drama program or what have you, this would be an excellent.
2) Be passionate. Colleges like to see you have a deep passion for a subject, hobby, whatever. It makes their incoming classes seem well-rounded and helps them beef up their reputation of the school with the eclectic mix of jocks, gay black asian jews, and cosplayers. If you think I'm kidding, two of these people were trotted up during our orientation. But don't tell them your passionate. As simple as it would be, you can never just flat out say it, you also have to show it in your writing.
3) Try to stay light on the analogies. And quite frankly, I would lose the whole candies thing. College admissions read 10,000 essays that attempt to explain away life with a metaphor or analogy. About 5,000 probably use the "life is like a box a chocolates". It's about as bad as a law school essay beginning with the "kill all the lawyers" quote from Shakespeare. And after a while it becomes annoying and could easily land you in the reject pile not because your analogy isn't unique, it's just the guy reading your essay is tired of seeing them. And along that line, try not to write about how you think life is like xyz. You're only 18. It comes off as pretentious or at the least cliche that in your short time on earth, you have found the meaning of life. Admissions hates that. They would rather see an eagerness to learn about the world, then be told in an essay how it already is.
That's all I can think of right now, but I'm sure there is plenty more that can be said. And as helpful as everyone's comments seem to be, I would definitely give this to an advisor or teacher and get their thoughts. And I would also strongly suggest you pick up several of the 10 billion books out there about college admissions and the essays you have to write for them. They are full of excellent information as well important tips to help you craft the best college essay you can muster.
I'm definitely going to work on making the essay less about the experience and more about what I learned from the experience. I'm working on that now, though it may not be updated right away.
I like my candies analogy, though I understand what you're saying about them being over done. Instead I might make it an analogy to how/why I decide to do certain things like this. I certainly don't have the meaning of life, but I do know why I choose to make certain decisions.
I know I didn't respond to all of your points, but you can be sure I'll be thinking of them while I edit. It was great advice, thank you. (:
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There are many different forms of the common app. You can write about someone influential to you, an experience that changed your life, just writing about you in general.... there are many prompts. Mine is, quite obviously, a valued experience in my life and what I learned from it. Experience: cosplaying Witch at PAX East. Learned: to take chances and put myself out there.
Squall: I see your point, and I did think of that. It's one reason why I decided this topic in the first place - it's more than a little out there, and no one else can write about it.
and the rest was about how nerdy i was
It's hard to brag about yourself on paper, I know. But really an application is exactly where you want to do that.
You're right, and my school has tried to drill this into our heads, that the college essay is basically one big bragging right, because they don't know anything about you outside a few scraps of paper.
I tried to put that sort of stuff through out so that I didn't have to write that "duh" paragraph, hahahaha. My big bragging parts, though, were definitely in there - there's a whole paragraph dedicated to the possitive reation from the con as a whole. It served as an unofficial awards section that I couldn't put in my actual application.
Some pictures, as requested (are way too big so I'm not going to post them as pictures, sorry)
dotswoof.com picture
flickr picture 1
flickr picture 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqS7ijbnjHI
agreed, though there is not really much room to hide balls in that costume
most cosplay makes me cringe
but this is well done
good on you!
My world. She is crashing.
SteamID: Baroque And Roll
Next thing you know, /b/ will be fighting for gay rights.
Nice.
Might have to pass this around the office.
If you do, tell me what they think. I'd love to know. (:
I point this out because that's the only bad things I can come up with to say about it. It was a pretty cool performance you put on.
Thank you so much! (:
So main point that I need to do to the essay overall: make it more about what I learned from the experience than the experience itself.
(I know there's more stuff, but this is the major work-over I believe I need to do to it)
Edit: I updated it with the abbreviated list. I also got rid of a cliche and put my own little idea in there.... what do you guys think of the jar of candies analogy?
but there are better analogies you could make
Yaay : D
I love those candie guessing games. I lose every single time hahahaha.
1) I would make it equally about what the experience taught you as what the experience says about yourself. Furthermore, I would tailor it a bit to try and connect your experience/personal qualities to the university to which your applying. Say, X University has a great drama program or what have you, this would be an excellent.
2) Be passionate. Colleges like to see you have a deep passion for a subject, hobby, whatever. It makes their incoming classes seem well-rounded and helps them beef up their reputation of the school with the eclectic mix of jocks, gay black asian jews, and cosplayers. If you think I'm kidding, two of these people were trotted up during our orientation. But don't tell them your passionate. As simple as it would be, you can never just flat out say it, you also have to show it in your writing.
3) Try to stay light on the analogies. And quite frankly, I would lose the whole candies thing. College admissions read 10,000 essays that attempt to explain away life with a metaphor or analogy. About 5,000 probably use the "life is like a box a chocolates". It's about as bad as a law school essay beginning with the "kill all the lawyers" quote from Shakespeare. And after a while it becomes annoying and could easily land you in the reject pile not because your analogy isn't unique, it's just the guy reading your essay is tired of seeing them. And along that line, try not to write about how you think life is like xyz. You're only 18. It comes off as pretentious or at the least cliche that in your short time on earth, you have found the meaning of life. Admissions hates that. They would rather see an eagerness to learn about the world, then be told in an essay how it already is.
That's all I can think of right now, but I'm sure there is plenty more that can be said. And as helpful as everyone's comments seem to be, I would definitely give this to an advisor or teacher and get their thoughts. And I would also strongly suggest you pick up several of the 10 billion books out there about college admissions and the essays you have to write for them. They are full of excellent information as well important tips to help you craft the best college essay you can muster.
I'm definitely going to work on making the essay less about the experience and more about what I learned from the experience. I'm working on that now, though it may not be updated right away.
I like my candies analogy, though I understand what you're saying about them being over done. Instead I might make it an analogy to how/why I decide to do certain things like this. I certainly don't have the meaning of life, but I do know why I choose to make certain decisions.
I know I didn't respond to all of your points, but you can be sure I'll be thinking of them while I edit. It was great advice, thank you. (: