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yet another relationship thread

fALTererfALTerer Registered User regular
edited June 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
I'll cut to the quick: My girlfriend is uncompromising when the topic of future residence comes up.

To add detail: we've been together for several years, and even spent a year doing the long distance thing. Currently we are together in a city neither of us really likes and want to leave. We are here because of her schooling, but that ends soon and we are looking onto places to go next. The problem is that there are a couple places she has chosen, and she gets angry or very mopey when I suggest other places.

there are two things that make me wonder if this might be a cut-and-run sort of problem. thing 1: my coming to our current crappy location was predicated on my being able to choose our next destination. We have no intention of staying anywhere for too long, so it's not like I'm single handedly choosing our permanent residence. Also, the places she wants to go aren't entirely abhorrent to me. The crux her is that I'm willing to go wherever one or both of us can get a real job, whereas she has a couple of very specific destinations in mind.

Thing 2: we live nearish to a big city. when I got here I brought up the idea of me getting a job in the city and us doing a short distance relationship. She was pretty adamantly against this, oscillating between anger and crying when it came up. Now that her schooling is done she has an opportunity in the big city and proposes that she go there while I stay at the job I have here in Dogpatch until if/when I find a job in the city.

Add to this the fact that I have a relatively good opportunity in a place she absolutely refuses to go, and you can color me confused.

Other than the issue of where we live she is an absolutely loving and considerate girlfriend, and if it weren't for her help getting my current job I'd probably be temping or working at McDonald's.

I just really need a little perspective and help figuring this out.

thanks

fALTerer on

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    atmaatma Deep RiverRegistered User regular
    edited June 2010
    By cut and run do you mean you've already contemplated leaving her/ending the relationship?

    atma on
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    sidhaethesidhaethe Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    What is the criteria she is using to veto the locations you've suggested? Is it anything in particular, like weather, culture, politics, population, geography, etc? Or does she just have a hate-on for certain locations?

    Have you pointed out that if she moves to the big city, you'd be in exactly the same situation she was adamantly opposed to when it was the other way around?

    sidhaethe on
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited June 2010
    So what are her reasons for refusing to go the places you want to go to?

    Is the only option she is okay with the one you mention where she has a good opportunity in this nearby city?

    DodgeBlan on
    Read my blog about AMERICA and THE BAY AREA

    https://medium.com/@alascii
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    fALTererfALTerer Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Atma: it's not so much that I want to leave as it is the knowledge that doing the long distance thing again won't happen. If we don't agree on a place to go to it will pretty much end the relationship by default. Neither of us is willing to do long distance again.

    sidhaethe: In short: Yes. She has chosen her places in regard to culture, climate, politics, etc. The thing here is that she has very specific places she wants to go, whereas I'm willing to go wherever we can get jobs. I'm also a little butthurt that the places I would really like to go are off limits because she doesn't find them as cool as the places she wants to go.

    I'm terrified as to her reaction to me pointing out the fact that she wants to put me in the same position she refused. It will most likely result in her crying (a lot).

    Again I add that other than this one issue she is absolutely loving, and willing compromise and, has actually puts forth great effort to try and help me out.

    fALTerer on
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    fALTererfALTerer Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    DodgeBlan wrote: »
    So what are her reasons for refusing to go the places you want to go to?

    Is the only option she is okay with the one you mention where she has a good opportunity in this nearby city?

    As I said, she prefers the culture, and climate, and general perception of the places she wants to go. Specifically the places I want to go don't have the exact climate she wants, and while the perception of my cities isn't bad they're not the perceptions she wants of a city she lives in.

    I'm not sure what you limed question means, but I think the answer is "yes". I would love to live in the nearby big city, and it wasn't even on her radar until she had a job opportunity there.

    fALTerer on
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    IrukaIruka Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited June 2010
    Just to be clear, She has specific places that shes research and has sound reasons that she wants to go there. You have other suggestions and should be able to make the choice based on principal because of a prior agreement. You seem to be going back and forth between "I don't care, as long as we can get jobs." and "I care, but shes not letting me make a choice without freaking out."

    So... do you actually care, do you really dislike these places shes chosen? Or do you just want more input on the situation? If its the later, I would suggest opening up communication about the process and not just throw in new locations to upset her. If you feel like shes taken over a process that's going to effect your life, and you need to be more included and considered, sit her down and talk to her about it in a way that centers around the fact that you just want some more input, you aren't trying to veto her choices.

    If shes got alot of good reasons for where she wants to go, and you just sort of want to throw out new places just because, it seems a little worthless. Its a different situation if you have just as many good reasons and shes just not hearing you out.

    Iruka on
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited June 2010
    I mean, you have a list of places you are happy to go.

    She has a list of places she is happy to go.

    They don't match up at all?

    DodgeBlan on
    Read my blog about AMERICA and THE BAY AREA

    https://medium.com/@alascii
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    sidhaethesidhaethe Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Is it magnitudes more difficult for both of you to find jobs in the places she prefers versus the places she's against going to? Big city aside, of course.

    Also, she was opposed to you getting a job in the city while she stayed where you are. Now she's in favor of her taking a job in the city while you stay where you are. Is there any reason why you can't both get jobs in the city at the same time?

    sidhaethe on
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    lsukalellsukalel Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    I wonder, is your issue really where yall both move? I mean if yall both know you wont do long distance and she is, according to you, not willing to discuss places other than what she wants, is the issue that you don't feel like she values being with you? Like she would rather live her life on her own , like she wants, than sacrifice to be with you? Do you feel like she doesn't value being with you as much as you value being with her?

    lsukalel on
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    GrizzledGrizzled Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    she gets angry or very mopey when I suggest other places.
    ...and us doing a short distance relationship. She was pretty adamantly against this, oscillating between anger and crying when it came up.
    I'm terrified as to her reaction to me pointing out the fact that she wants to put me in the same position she refused. It will most likely result in her crying (a lot).

    What's up with this?

    It kind of sounds like there is some bigger issue with control going on here. In a healthy relationship you don't burst in to tears every time you don't get your way.

    Grizzled on
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    fALTererfALTerer Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    lsukalel wrote: »
    I wonder, is your issue really where yall both move? I mean if yall both know you wont do long distance and she is, according to you, not willing to discuss places other than what she wants, is the issue that you don't feel like she values being with you? Like she would rather live her life on her own , like she wants, than sacrifice to be with you? Do you feel like she doesn't value being with you as much as you value being with her?

    This right here, yes.

    Iruka: Part of the problem is that the places I really want to go are just as vetoed as the places we both dislike, and for the exact same reasons. I'm not entirely opposed to the places she wants to go, but my coming to where we currently are was predicated on my choosing where we go next (or at least having input).

    Sidhaethe: in theory we can both get jobs in the same cool city. But I'm not moving unless I have a job, and it took me six months to get the crappy job I have now.


    The facts are that I am much less attached to precisely where we are. The places she really wants to go aren't abhorrent to me, and so I'm OK with going to them. The places I really want to go are barred for the simple reason that they aren't the places she really wants to go (there isn't anything particular she has against the places I want to go). I know that my destinations aren't abhorrent to her, she has not and will not consider going there for the simple fact that they aren't the places she has chosen.

    Grizzled: Things haven't gone too well for her since getting her undergraduate degree, and she feels a little gypped. As far as I can tell, things continuing not to go her way will result in further gypped feelings.

    The situation as is isn't too terrible, in theory we both get jobs where she wants to go, and have a fun several years, and go somewhere else. My problem is with the principle of the situation and what it represents for the future. I effectively stagnated my career for her predicated on being able to choose where we went next. Now, she is encouraging me to potentially further stagnate my career for the sake of going where she wants.

    When I try to bring up this issue she just runs with the idea that things could work out well for us both in the same city, and says we'll deal with any problem when it comes up. My grievance is that said problem may come very quickly because I have an opportunity that may turn into a real job offer in a place she doesn't want to go, and she still refuses to address the issue until it actually happens.

    this really boils down to the fact that she has proposed putting me in the exact situation she refused a few months ago. I'm not sure how to deal with this. If its a cut-and-run situation I should just go, and I'm not confident that trying to work it out won't end in a breakup anyway. also, girls cry, and that really throws me off when it comes to resolving issues.

    fALTerer on
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    lsukalellsukalel Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    fALTerer wrote: »
    lsukalel wrote: »
    I wonder, is your issue really where yall both move? I mean if yall both know you wont do long distance and she is, according to you, not willing to discuss places other than what she wants, is the issue that you don't feel like she values being with you? Like she would rather live her life on her own , like she wants, than sacrifice to be with you? Do you feel like she doesn't value being with you as much as you value being with her?

    This right here, yes.

    Iruka: Part of the problem is that the places I really want to go are just as vetoed as the places we both dislike, and for the exact same reasons. I'm not entirely opposed to the places she wants to go, but my coming to where we currently are was predicated on my choosing where we go next (or at least having input).

    Sidhaethe: in theory we can both get jobs in the same cool city. But I'm not moving unless I have a job, and it took me six months to get the crappy job I have now.


    The facts are that I am much less attached to precisely where we are. The places she really wants to go aren't abhorrent to me, and so I'm OK with going to them. The places I really want to go are barred for the simple reason that they aren't the places she really wants to go (there isn't anything particular she has against the places I want to go). I know that my destinations aren't abhorrent to her, she has not and will not consider going there for the simple fact that they aren't the places she has chosen.

    Grizzled: Things haven't gone too well for her since getting her undergraduate degree, and she feels a little gypped. As far as I can tell, things continuing not to go her way will result in further gypped feelings.

    The situation as is isn't too terrible, in theory we both get jobs where she wants to go, and have a fun several years, and go somewhere else. My problem is with the principle of the situation and what it represents for the future. I effectively stagnated my career for her predicated on being able to choose where we went next. Now, she is encouraging me to potentially further stagnate my career for the sake of going where she wants.

    When I try to bring up this issue she just runs with the idea that things could work out well for us both in the same city, and says we'll deal with any problem when it comes up. My grievance is that said problem may come very quickly because I have an opportunity that may turn into a real job offer in a place she doesn't want to go, and she still refuses to address the issue until it actually happens.

    this really boils down to the fact that she has proposed putting me in the exact situation she refused a few months ago. I'm not sure how to deal with this. If its a cut-and-run situation I should just go, and I'm not confident that trying to work it out won't end in a breakup anyway. also, girls cry, and that really throws me off when it comes to resolving issues.

    K, trust me on this. PLEASE. Trust me on this. What you limed is bigger than an issue of where to live. Where to live is a symptom. You and her need to talk about this. You need to tell her exactly how you feel. Calmly. Don't do it in an accusatory manner. Just sit her down and tell her how it makes you feel, and go from there. COMMUNICATE.

    lsukalel on
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    IrukaIruka Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited June 2010
    It sounds like you are having the wrong conversation with her, then. lsukalel is right, this is a symptom of a larger problem and you need to figure out where to go from here.

    Iruka on
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    lsukalellsukalel Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    And I would advise you to not view this as an all or nothing, make or break thing going into the conversation. Just tell her how you feel and go from there. She might not even understand how you feel about all this.

    lsukalel on
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    As7As7 Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    I think if she wants one thing, and is uncompromising, and if you want something else, and can't settle or can't compromise without feeling betrayed, well you've hit a wall and there's not much you can do to solve this very important issue. Consider whether the relationship is right for you or not, it may not be.

    As7 on
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    fALTererfALTerer Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Alright, I'm not surprised that we need to have a conversation about this. But how do I deal with the fact that she Will cry? Whenever she starts crying I drop the subject, switch to make-everything-better mode, and feel like a dick for having made her cry.

    fALTerer on
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    lsukalellsukalel Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Simple. Nicely, Ask her WHY she is crying. What about this conversation makes her sad? Again do it a nice way. Her answer to that will take you down the road you want to go down anyway. Just make sure to tell her that you still love her, and want to be with her. This isnt an ultimatum, you just want to talk about your issues.

    --- Dont say this.

    Like healthy couples should. Healthy couples are able to talk about issues that arise, because issues ALWAYS arise in a relationship. Talking is one way relationships stay healthy.

    lsukalel on
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    admanbadmanb unionize your workplace Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Which is the point at which crying becomes emotional blackmail.

    I'm not saying she is deliberately manipulating you by crying; it's likely just a pattern of your relationship that has formed over time. But in order to have a meaningful conversation you have to break out of the pattern which, unfortunately, means you're going to have to ignore or deal with her crying in a less kind manner.

    admanb on
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited June 2010
    fALTerer wrote: »
    Again I add that other than this one issue she is absolutely loving, and willing compromise and, has actually puts forth great effort to try and help me out.

    An alternative reading: You've never actually had to deal with any life-altering serious issues before, and this is how she is going to play it.

    There comes a time where people realize that a long term relationship is actually about aligning two lives, making them run parallel (or close enough) to keep two people together. It seems like you have already realized this, and have made sacrifices to keep the two of you together. Now you want her to do the same.

    Maybe she will? Maybe she won't. But it's the differing level of sacrifice that is bothering you, not the actual city where you live.

    The problem is that when you get to that point where it's you wanting one thing and she wanting another, she is the one who is willing to pull the trigger, cry and talk like it's the end of the world/relationship. Then you're like baby it's okay boo boo boo we are gonna make it work. So she gets what she wants.

    Maybe she cares less about the relationship than you. Maybe not, maybe she is just a better slash more manipulative debater than you are.

    DodgeBlan on
    Read my blog about AMERICA and THE BAY AREA

    https://medium.com/@alascii
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited June 2010
    She isn't a baby that needs milk or something, she is an adult who has a problem that needs to be dealt with. You learnt pretty early on that crying doesn't solve problems, she needs to learn the same.

    DodgeBlan on
    Read my blog about AMERICA and THE BAY AREA

    https://medium.com/@alascii
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    sidhaethesidhaethe Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    lsukalel wrote: »
    Simple. Nicely, Ask her WHY she is crying. What about this conversation makes her sad? Again do it a nice way. Her answer to that will take you down the road you want to go down anyway. Just make sure to tell her that you still love her, and want to be with her. This isnt an ultimatum, you just want to talk about your issues.

    sidhaethe on
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    Mostlyjoe13Mostlyjoe13 Evil, Evil, Jump for joy! Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    The crying seems to be her way of short-circuting your opinions. Take a good hard look at how the conversation goes. If your being logical (don't raise your voice) and deconstruct her ideas or at least lay out good counterpoints and she start bawling. Dude, shes not being fair.

    Mostlyjoe13 on
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    NamrokNamrok Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Oh god, are you dating my ex?

    I once dated a woman who wanted to move to all these places. Had a billion reasons for it. Friends there, family there, schooling there, jobs there. When I mentioned the places I wanted to move to, it went straight to crying and/or being furious at me.

    The bottom line was that she was extremely controlling, and was trying to get me away from all my friends and family, while at the same time keeping herself as close to her support as possible.

    The girl I'm with now however, also wants to move as soon as her company doesn't own her. And we talk about it together before any one of us blanketly announcing that we are going somewhere.

    You know, like how its supposed to work.

    So yeah, cut and run if I were you (which I was).

    Namrok on
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    ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    fALTerer wrote: »
    Alright, I'm not surprised that we need to have a conversation about this. But how do I deal with the fact that she Will cry? Whenever she starts crying I drop the subject, switch to make-everything-better mode, and feel like a dick for having made her cry.

    1. Don't be a puss

    2.
    Simple. Nicely, Ask her WHY she is crying. What about this conversation makes her sad? Again do it a nice way. Her answer to that will take you down the road you want to go down anyway. Just make sure to tell her that you still love her, and want to be with her. This isnt an ultimatum, you just want to talk about your issues.

    Zombiemambo on
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    fALTererfALTerer Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Thanks for all the advice, it's much appreciated. For various reasons I won't get a chance to have a serious conversation with her for a day or two, but I'll update with the results.

    fALTerer on
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    AvicusAvicus Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    fALTerer wrote: »
    Alright, I'm not surprised that we need to have a conversation about this. But how do I deal with the fact that she Will cry? Whenever she starts crying I drop the subject, switch to make-everything-better mode, and feel like a dick for having made her cry.

    1. Don't be a puss

    2.
    Simple. Nicely, Ask her WHY she is crying. What about this conversation makes her sad? Again do it a nice way. Her answer to that will take you down the road you want to go down anyway. Just make sure to tell her that you still love her, and want to be with her. This isnt an ultimatum, you just want to talk about your issues.

    From my experience asking why are you crying just leads to "you wouldn't understaaaaand" and other ways to dodge the question or make it look like you are the bad guy.

    Avicus on
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    ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Avicus wrote: »
    fALTerer wrote: »
    Alright, I'm not surprised that we need to have a conversation about this. But how do I deal with the fact that she Will cry? Whenever she starts crying I drop the subject, switch to make-everything-better mode, and feel like a dick for having made her cry.

    1. Don't be a puss

    2.
    Simple. Nicely, Ask her WHY she is crying. What about this conversation makes her sad? Again do it a nice way. Her answer to that will take you down the road you want to go down anyway. Just make sure to tell her that you still love her, and want to be with her. This isnt an ultimatum, you just want to talk about your issues.

    From my experience asking why are you crying just leads to "you wouldn't understaaaaand" and other ways to dodge the question or make it look like you are the bad guy.

    In that case, ignore it. But it's a relationship between two people who know each other pretty well, not a child throwing a tantrum. At least give reasoning a shot.

    Zombiemambo on
    JKKaAGp.png
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    Chases Street DemonsChases Street Demons Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    I'd break the conversation open by asking her why she gets upset when you talk about other places as the openr, rather than as the midpoint to the conversation with her in mid-weep. If you get her when she's not feeling pressured or whatever I think your odds of getting a real answer are better.

    Heck, even make it complimentary. You say she's loving and all that jazz. Tell her you don't understand why she's so +++ 99% of the time but this sets her off.

    Maybe there's something she wants to be close to. Maybe there's family or friends she would feel cut off from. Maybe it's as simple as being afraid of a BRAND NEW place and being alone there with you when hwat she's known for the last few years is entirely different.

    Despite the talk of emotional blackmail and all that jazz there is the possibility that there's a legitimate issue she's having a difficult time communicating.

    Chases Street Demons on
    "Sometimes things aren't complicated," I said. "You just have to be willing to accept the absolute corruption of everybody involved."

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