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Not sure I want to be in my relationship

TempletonTempleton Registered User new member
edited July 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
First, background.
I'm 22, just graduated from college, and I've been in a relationship since mid-2008. She's 24. We're currently living together, and we have a lease that doesn't end until next year. She's my first girlfriend ever, my first everything - kiss, even. It's not her first relationship - she's been in two other relationships, which ended with the other guys breaking up with her. Her parents are divorced - her dad cheated on her mom. In a nutshell, she's not all that trusting of men, and has pretty low self-esteem. She's a little overweight - nothing obscene, but she complaints about being fat all the time - I feel bad saying this, but she is out of shape, and it shows. She's jealous - I made the mistake of telling her about someone I had a crush on before I met her, so she thinks I only like the physical features of that person. She asks me if I think actresses are attractive, and any answer from me results in the silent treatment and her getting upset. That seems to be her favorite way to respond to any disagreement we have. Any time I get ready to leave for a trip or go visit my family without her, she gets quiet and surly. I feel like all it takes is a wrong answer and she'll walk out of the room and not talk to me for the rest of the night.

We've talked about the problems, I've told her that I feel terrible when she doesn't talk to me. Little things (to me, at least) seem to set her off every few weeks. She's said I haven't done enough of the "little things": for example, she writes "Have a great day at work!" on the fridge, and I didn't write anything. She then doesn't talk to me for the night. I don't think she's trying to manipulate me, she doesn't ask for money or expensive gifts, she just has really low self-esteem. She does some things that are a little strange, I guess they're cute: she plays with a stuffed animal, making it talk and more around. I don't mind, it just seems a little strange to me. She doesn't have any real hobbies: she watches TV and anime and that's about it in her spare time. She's going to grad school, but she's becoming disenchanted with it. I think she went clubbing a bit before she met me, but I'm not all that into that. We don't have a terrible lot in common.

I have this terrible feeling that I'm just in this relationship because I wasn't able to find anything else, that I thought that I would die alone, to be a little melodramatic. I was just so happy that someone would care about me at all. I had never dated, even held hands with a girl before that, so it was sort of a big deal for me. And I really was happy at first.

I've asked my family about it, and they say she can be a little strange, and they don't understand the way she acts sometimes, but they say they like her well enough.

It's not all bad, she can be really caring. She's been entirely honest with me about everything, as far as I can tell. Her family is nice. I guess I just feel like I could do better? Someone that had more in common with me, more attractive, less jealous, somebody that won't make me feel bad about myself. But I can't see a graceful way out of this. We had a talk along these lines before, and it was bad. About six months, I hinted that I was having second thoughts (well, really I was writing about it in a journal that she found and read, but that's something else), and she started taking photos of us out of the frames and threatening to tear them up, saying I didn't really love her and I'd never love her. That wasn't so great, but in the end she ended up asking me what we could work on, and said she'd try and work on it. And it did get better. It is better, but the earlier issues mentioned at the top of the post have happened recently.

So to my questions:
Are these disagreements/incidents normal? Just the normal ups and downs of a relationship?
Is there a graceful way to end this relationship, when we still have a lease? Questions would come up if we don't start looking for an apartment and signing a new lease.
Am I just being selfish for thinking I can find someone better?

Templeton on
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    MrOlettaMrOletta Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Your lease situation is unfortunate, but I do feel that you should perhaps be looking to not get a place together when it expires.

    From reading your post, it does seem like you're disenchanted with things already and are merely looking to reinforce the idea that things aren't going to work out.

    Can things work out? Yes, it's entirely possible. I will say that I've been in your position where my GF would behave very similar to the way you describe (getting upset for "checking out" girls on magazine covers etc), and it was fairly unhealthy. It's easy not to think much of it when you're in that position or being subjected to it, but you have to remember there are plenty of other people out there that you could date.

    MrOletta on
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    witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Honestly, it doesn't sound like you have any issues that can't be overcome assuming you both want your relationship to work - but that's the key, you both have to want this relationship to work.

    From your post, it sounds like you may not be interested in continuing it. If you do want to end it, then you shouldn't let something like a lease hold you back or put another way, force you to live with someone you don't want to live with.

    witch_ie on
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited July 2010
    Well, some disagreements are normal because otherwise you'd be the same person. It's how you work them out between you that sets the tone for your relationship and defines you as a couple, more than anything else. You need to have trust that you can tell her things without her getting pissed because you were a person before you met her. It doesn't sound like you have that.

    The fact that you're living with her, and that you have a long, long time until your lease is up, complicates things, but that's the real world. You might want to remove your valuables before you do, from the sound of things. It's going to suck no matter what, but you don't have to stay anywhere forever, and there's no reason you should have to be in a relationship that is making you unhappy. I think the appearance thing is a little silly, but that's because I don't care about appearance. Every other concern you have is objectively valid, or very nearly so.

    I don't think you're selfish for wanting to end it, but if all you're looking to do is trade up... that doesn't really sound so great. :P

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    admanbadmanb unionize your workplace Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Self-esteem is a big part of attractiveness, so her appearance may be less relevant than her attitude.

    Overall, it sounds like she is not really in a place in her life where she should be in a relationship. She needs, to pull a cheesy line, to work on herself. And while it would be great to say, "You can work on that together!" it doesn't sound like your relationship is in a place where that could work, nor does it sound like she's in a place where she's prepared to work at it.

    admanb on
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    SiskaSiska Shorty Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Sounds like your girl has a very vivid imagination. Like she dreams up these perfect scenarios and when reality doesn't follow the script she instead dreams up these nightmare scenarios as to why, where everything is the worst way possible. At which point everything is too scary and hostile to deal with and she has to isolate herself to calm down. This might be a sign of childishness or a personality quirk. Both of which can be worked on if she can see it herself. Perhaps she can channel her creativity into writing short stories, or something.

    That being said, from the overall tone of your post, it seems like you don't like her very much. Also that you got alot of growing up to do yourself. If you really are as fed up and put off by her as you sound and it's not just an occasional twinge of doubt, then break things off. Pity and a lease isn't enough to make a relationship. Try and keep it civil as you two still got the lease to worry about and you might possibly be stuck together until it ends. Since you are the one dropping the bomb on her, be prepared to turn the other cheek, up to a point. Give her some leeway, but don't be a complete doormat.

    Siska on
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    Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Templeton wrote: »
    I have this terrible feeling that I'm just in this relationship because I wasn't able to find anything else, that I thought that I would die alone, to be a little melodramatic. I was just so happy that someone would care about me at all. I had never dated, even held hands with a girl before that, so it was sort of a big deal for me. And I really was happy at first.

    I've asked my family about it, and they say she can be a little strange, and they don't understand the way she acts sometimes, but they say they like her well enough.


    Well it's hard to judge because you haven't dated before. Not being mean to you but when you date for the first time you don't really know what you want out of relationship.[/quote]

    In regards to your family it doesn't matter whether or not they like her "well enough" they aren't dating her. My friends have broken up with women that I get along with great but I'm not involved with them intimately so it doesn't matter that I get along well with them. If they hate her then that's something to think about because it means she might be a bad person. But there are plenty of other nice people out there in the world who are nice as well and I don't want to date them.


    A partner should never make you feel bad about yourself.

    I mean good enough isn't a reason to be in a relationship. I mean theoretically this person is someone you will be spending the rest of your life with. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that wants to make you feel bad?

    Your big problem to me sounds like you are deathly afraid of being single.

    It's not that bad!

    Blake T on
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Templeton wrote: »

    It's not all bad, she can be really caring. She's been entirely honest with me about everything, as far as I can tell. Her family is nice. I guess I just feel like I could do better? Someone that had more in common with me, more attractive, less jealous, somebody that won't make me feel bad about myself. But I can't see a graceful way out of this. We had a talk along these lines before, and it was bad. About six months, I hinted that I was having second thoughts (well, really I was writing about it in a journal that she found and read, but that's something else).

    Yeah um that's... not going to happen. It's going to hurt her or your are going to stay in an unsatisfying relationship. Those are your options.

    DodgeBlan on
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    AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Templeton wrote: »
    I guess I just feel like I could do better? Someone that had more in common with me, more attractive, less jealous, somebody that won't make me feel bad about myself.

    Man...end it. If my boyfriend felt like he could 'do better', I think I'd WANT him to end it. Also, if she makes you feel bad, is overly jealous, and you're not terribly attracted to her, then it really is time to call it quits.

    If you're in a loving and awesome relationship, thoughts like "can I/I can do better" don't pop into your head. In my relationship, I don't think I CAN do better, because he's just that awesome. Find someone who makes you think the same.

    Edit: also, there hardly ever is a graceful break up.

    AlyceInWonderland on
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    TempletonTempleton Registered User new member
    edited July 2010
    @ceres: Yeah, the appearance part is pretty shallow, especially since I'm not anything too special myself. But it's more the not being able to be myself, I guess.

    @admab: I think you're right that it's mainly self-esteem, she really is pretty. She has been talking about relationship weight, and talks about running and eating better, and I've offered to and have ran with her, but she doesn't seem to keep motivated, but I might be able to do more to help her.

    @Siska: The bit about a vivid imagination sounds exactly right. A female intern at my job added me on facebook, and my girlfriend took one look at it and walked out of the room, and didn't talk to me the rest of the night, which is awkward when you share a bed. The next day at work, she sent me texts like "Am I interrupting you?", and then "I guess so. Have fun with the intern." I let her cool down then tried to explain to her in person that this was someone I was working with, and she calmed down a little, but never really accepted my answer. She said I should have explained, and I just thought she would respond poorly no matter what I said. I'm getting tired of having to beg her to first tell me what's wrong, then let me explain. This doesn't happen all the time, but it still happens.

    The problem is I'm not sure if it isn't just a little doubt that could ruin something good. And I really don't have any hard feelings, but she's told me we wouldn't be cordial if we broke up, and I believe it. I'm afraid I'm making her sound worse than she is, there's just enough there to make me wonder and doubt.
    I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm basically learning on the job relationship-wise, since I have no previous experience. Part of my doubt is that I don't really have any baselines or comparisons to make, and maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

    Templeton on
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    Namel3ssNamel3ss Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Ya.... I don't usually give this advice, but I'd just rip it off like a bandaid. Its going to hurt both of you, but I think you'll both be better off for it.

    Namel3ss on
    May the wombat of happiness snuffle through your underbrush.
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    NocrenNocren Lt Futz, Back in Action North CarolinaRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Templeton wrote: »
    I guess I just feel like I could do better? Someone that had more in common with me, more attractive, less jealous, somebody that won't make me feel bad about myself.

    Man...end it. If my boyfriend felt like he could 'do better', I think I'd WANT him to end it. Also, if she makes you feel bad, is overly jealous, and you're not terribly attracted to her, then it really is time to call it quits.

    If you're in a loving and awesome relationship, thoughts like "can I/I can do better" don't pop into your head. In my relationship, I don't think I CAN do better, because he's just that awesome. Find someone who makes you think the same.

    Edit: also, there hardly ever is a graceful break up.

    There can be... but not when a relationship has lasted this long and been heavily emotionally invested in.
    Also Dude, you're not being selfish because you can find someone better.
    However, further reading says that you guys worked on difficulties once before. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate and try again?

    Nocren on
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    when your difficulties amount to 'I don't really like the other person that much' that is not something that you work on.

    DodgeBlan on
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    TempletonTempleton Registered User new member
    edited July 2010
    Blake T wrote: »
    Your big problem to me sounds like you are deathly afraid of being single.

    Not so much, I don't think. Now that I've had a relationship, single life doesn't seem like the end of the world. It's more what breaking up with her would do to her, and how big of a mess it would be. I already feel like a bastard for just thinking about it, but part of it is just being afraid of what she would do.

    Templeton on
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    Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Templeton wrote: »
    Blake T wrote: »
    Your big problem to me sounds like you are deathly afraid of being single.

    Not so much, I don't think. Now that I've had a relationship, single life doesn't seem like the end of the world. It's more what breaking up with her would do to her, and how big of a mess it would be. I already feel like a bastard for just thinking about it, but part of it is just being afraid of what she would do.

    So it's ok for you to be unhappy so she can be happy?

    I know you don't mean what I am about to say. But when you say this it makes you sound like the greatest guy ever and she will be lost without you. She'll be sad, of course she will. But lets be honest here, you are hurting her now so that in the long run she can find someone that makes her happy all the time.

    Blake T on
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited July 2010
    Sometimes... you need to move on from your first relationship because it's your first and you don't have any perspective on what's a little thing and what's a big thing, and how important all of those things really are to you in the end. It sounds like you're restless. You fell into the trap of thinking you could never find a relationship, and now that you've seen that's not true you want to see if you can find something better.

    It sounds you probably can. The thing is, she sounds like she's really childish in a lot of her responses to you, and she seems to use a lack of communication to make you feel bad, like you've done something wrong, but without ever telling you what that is. It may not be on purpose and she may not be aware of it, but this behavior is very manipulative. You probably aren't a mind reader, and it's unreasonable of her to expect you to be. If she wants to know who some chick on your facebook page is, she should be asking you "hey, who's that chick on your facebook page?" instead of storming out of the room like a kid.

    By the same token, if she does ask you, you should open about it. If you leave out details because you fear her response she's going to pick up on you leaving something out, which is going to make her more mistrustful.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    DasBootDasBoot Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    I was in this exact same relationship once. She had similar self esteem/jealousy issues that were always a persistent fear in the back of my mind. There was this one time she visited me at work while I was finishing up some building clean up style stuff with a female coworker who volunteered to help me out on what was a particularly busy evening. Despite the fact that I communicated with said female coworker in professional, work related commands ("Go take care of this room and I'll finish up in here," etc.) my girlfriend pulled me aside and basically said, "So how long have you been fucking [female coworker]?" and proceeded to go on an evening long rampage. She did this a lot, or asked me what I thought about other women and there was literally no correct reaction- (she really loved when I started pulling my Admiral Ackbar "IT'S A TRAP!" impression out in response). In the end I asked myself if I really was being an asshole, or if her self esteem needs were beyond my idea of reasonable bounds. I decided that I wasn't really happy and I wasn't willing to jump through every mysterious hoop needed to make her happy and so I left. If your relationship leaves you worried about how you significant other will respond to your every action and you're not happy, there is no reason to keep it up for the sake of keeping it up.

    DasBoot on
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    naporeonnaporeon Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    I'd like to pipe in here:

    Wanting to be physically attracted to your partner is not in any way shallow. It is one of many important axes to consider for any relationship. Don't let anyone here or anywhere else make you feel otherwise, OP.

    naporeon on
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    AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    naporeon wrote: »
    I'd like to pipe in here:

    Wanting to be physically attracted to your partner is not in any way shallow. It is one of many important axes to consider for any relationship. Don't let anyone here or anywhere else make you feel otherwise, OP.

    This exactly, too. Attraction to your partner is a key thing in a relationship. It's not THE most important, but it is important.

    AlyceInWonderland on
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    OnTheLastCastleOnTheLastCastle let's keep it haimish for the peripatetic Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    naporeon wrote: »
    I'd like to pipe in here:

    Wanting to be physically attracted to your partner is not in any way shallow. It is one of many important axes to consider for any relationship. Don't let anyone here or anywhere else make you feel otherwise, OP.

    This exactly, too. Attraction to your partner is a key thing in a relationship. It's not THE most important, but it is important.

    Thank you all for saying this. I was going to chime in with this. Physical/mental/spiritual (well... like idea-wise or ethically) compatibility are all important in a relationship. You can cheat certain ways on each of them, but a huge deficit in one just won't work.

    I wish I people stopped thinking that a lack of physical attraction was shallow. We're not all JUST our looks, but we need all of the parts in a relationship and you will find someone you sync up with on all levels.

    OnTheLastCastle on
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    HadjiQuestHadjiQuest Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    I'm in almost the exact same situation now, only the self destructive behavior and mood swings are a lot more intense on each side (stemming from the same issues).

    If you have the strength to get out, then I applaud you. If you even have the strength to lay down the situation to her, then I applaud you.

    Honestly, it sounds like you have less positives than my own relationship. If you don't really like her much anymore, and you can find the strength, then walking away is probably the thing to do.

    HadjiQuest on
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    OnTheLastCastleOnTheLastCastle let's keep it haimish for the peripatetic Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    My only advice is that you can't just shove down something you don't like and hope to not feel it anymore. If you really aren't into your relationship or a PART of your relationship, you can't just say 'well, that's dumb, i'm over it.' and make things work.

    You either gotta work it out or decide you can't. It will come back, I promise.

    OnTheLastCastle on
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    BcreamBcream Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Yeah it doesn't sound like you like her an awful lot. If you're in love, then work at it and be as open with her as possible about wanting to improve your relationship. Else end it.

    I felt like I was in the same kind of boat with my partner about 2 years in. She was my first and only gf and I became teriffied of settling. That I might be missing out on other, better relationships. Then I became terrified of ending it because I might not find something better. And all THOSE thoughts made me feel terrible and shallow and that I didn't deserve HER.

    There were a lot of fights and fall outs and even one close call where it nearly ended. We're still together and things are better than ever. We're both open and honest about our own self-esteem and attractiveness issues and we're both open and vocal when we see someone, celebrity or not who we think is hot. There's no shame in appreciating a nice arse when it steps in front of you.

    In other words, I have no idea what is the right thing for you to do.

    Bcream on
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    KistraKistra Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    My only advice is that you can't just shove down something you don't like and hope to not feel it anymore. If you really aren't into your relationship or a PART of your relationship, you can't just say 'well, that's dumb, i'm over it.' and make things work.

    You either gotta work it out or decide you can't. It will come back, I promise.

    I love that line.

    I agree with everyone else here. The problems you are describing aren't unsurmountable if you are both willing to work on them. But if you are already fed up and don't really want to work through them then you should just end the relationship now.

    Are these thoughts you are having on a daily basis? Or once every couple of months after a fight? I am going to disagree slightly and say that having some sort of doubt (including I could do better in terms of x) on an infrequent basis is pretty normal and not a reason to end an otherwise good relationship (not that it sounds like that is what you are doing).

    Kistra on
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    SipexSipex Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    I don't know what you're going to decide to do but I'm going to harp on something nobody seems to have touched, what seems to be your current approach to discussing your relationship problems with her.

    If you decide to try to make it work you may need to change your approach. Going "This makes me feel bad" is honest but doesn't sound like it's ringing a chord with her. Maybe try something firmer, along the lines of "I don't like when you do this, it's uncalled for and I won't stand for it anymore."

    Sipex on
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    CountBlackulaCountBlackula MarylandRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    It sounds to me like you've already made your decision, and I don't think you sound happy. Sometimes you have to go with your gut and make a solid decision to act. If you spend too much time thinking and planning out scenarios, you might grow even unhappier.

    CountBlackula on
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    DeebaserDeebaser on my way to work in a suit and a tie Ahhhh...come on fucking guyRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    At the risk of sounding like a callous pragmatist, are you able to afford the rent solo?

    Deebaser on
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    taoist drunktaoist drunk Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Don't be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.

    taoist drunk on
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    ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    You appear to be dating a younger, anime watching version of my ex from last year.

    Passive aggression in particular is a big problem. Whether it's done intentionally or reflexively, such poor communication skills will really hurt the relationship. I know that feeling, where one wrong action (or failing to act in a way they expect) can seem to 'ruin' an entire night. We'd go on dates; catch a movie, have dinner, have a few laughs, but one wrong step and suddenly I've getting the cold shoulder, Better Luck Tomorrow hanging in the air, etc.

    It was like a game where the rules changed and I was never kept apprised of the changes.

    You're not a mind reader, and while I hope I'm not projecting too hard, the similarities were too obvious to ignore.

    Best of luck.

    Fake edit: oh, and my ex also had issues with being somewhat overweight. Not terribly so, but enough that she was self conscious about it.

    Forar on
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    UsagiUsagi Nah Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Don't be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.

    If I was the liming sort, this would be the greenest green available


    Honestly, you both sound a little immature, and that's ok! You're young, you're still figuring things out, but you need to realize that what Naporean said was correct, and that you absolutely deserve to be happy and content with your personal relationships.

    And it's completely unreasonable to stay in a relationship because you're afraid of being single, or are dreading the breakup conversation, or that you're concerned she won't get on without you - being single can be great, the convo is going to suck but it's part of growing up and growing a pair, and you know she'll be pissed but her life will go on without you.

    Usagi on
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    CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Templeton wrote: »
    She does some things that are a little strange, I guess they're cute: she plays with a stuffed animal, making it talk and more around. I don't mind, it just seems a little strange to me.

    Most young women will do something kooky like that. They think it makes them seem cute. You'll probably find in any relationship that the woman will have some kind of girlish obession like Hello Kitty, or collecting china ornaments, or whatever. It shouldn't be any bigger deal than a guy who collects Transformers or plays old Nintendo games. Everyone likes to be a little childish now and then.

    CelestialBadger on
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    OnTheLastCastleOnTheLastCastle let's keep it haimish for the peripatetic Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Templeton wrote: »
    She does some things that are a little strange, I guess they're cute: she plays with a stuffed animal, making it talk and more around. I don't mind, it just seems a little strange to me.

    Most young women will do something kooky like that. They think it makes them seem cute. You'll probably find in any relationship that the woman will have some kind of girlish obession like Hello Kitty, or collecting china ornaments, or whatever. It shouldn't be any bigger deal than a guy who collects Transformers or plays old Nintendo games. Everyone likes to be a little childish now and then.

    My ex and I narrated our cats movements and day to day lives to each other. This was wonderful and I miss it a lot. I guess if only one of us had always been talking in cat voices that would've been... odd.

    You could tell her to knock it off if it bugs you, but it's just a thing people do.

    OnTheLastCastle on
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    gredavingredavin Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Templeton,

    What you described in the OP perfectly encapsulates my life. All the issues are identical to what I went through at your age. I had never really dated anyone before this girl, she was jealous in all the same ways you mentioned regarding your significant other and, like your girlfriend, she promised she would work on the core issues that were driving us apart.

    That was 9 years ago, and I am currently in the process of divorcing this woman.

    I am skeptical, very skeptical that her jealousy will ever go away if she decides to work on it without outside intervention. Even if she is able to learn to cope with it, it will never truly go away. And if you think being patient and compassionate will change this behaviour, that she will eventually learn to see you are a decent guy and begin to trust you, you are wrong.

    The issues only got worse, further driving us apart. I got to the point where I would lie about every actress, every waitress, every single person she accused me of 'checking out' to the point where I began to hate myself for being such a doormat.

    My straight up advice? Save yourself 10 years of your life, no matter how difficult it will be to break away.

    gredavin on
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    VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    I would break up with her and talk to the landlord about finding a new renter to take over your lease.

    VisionOfClarity on
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    noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Templeton wrote: »
    I just feel like I could do better?
    Am I just being selfish for thinking I can find someone better?

    I'm not saying you're a horrible person for feeling this. What I'll say is that you'll become a horrible person if you continue to feel this way and don't do anything about it. Break it off and move on to try to find that someone better.

    noir_blood on
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    ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Perhaps I'm splitting hairs, but rather than seeing it as "I can do better than her", look at it as "I want someone better suited to me".

    It's not that she's necessarily any more flawed or imperfect than anyone else, but as you both grow into adulthood (says the 30 year old), you might just be finding that you're not as compatible as you initially thought.

    What I'm saying is that there doesn't have to be blame or other negative connotations involved. Sometimes that's just how it is.

    Forar on
    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
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    3drage3drage Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    From personal experience I see early 20s as still fairly young for a serious relationship. 20s to late 20s are your time to taste life a little and discover new things to find out what you really want to do in life. You two have been locked in for some time, and perhaps your curiosity is getting the better of you. Things might be worked out, but you'll probably go through life with "what ifs" still following behind. The decision doesn't come lightly, but it sounds like you have some exploring and experiences to live before you're ready to settle down.

    3drage on
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    TavataarTavataar Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Templeton wrote: »
    A female intern at my job added me on facebook, and my girlfriend took one look at it and walked out of the room, and didn't talk to me the rest of the night, which is awkward when you share a bed. The next day at work, she sent me texts like "Am I interrupting you?", and then "I guess so. Have fun with the intern." I let her cool down then tried to explain to her in person that this was someone I was working with, and she calmed down a little, but never really accepted my answer. She said I should have explained, and I just thought she would respond poorly no matter what I said.

    This sounds like something she needs to work on with a professional. That is an unhealthy level of paranoia and untrustworthiness. It is one thing to see that your S/O has friend some new cute girl, and to ask about it, and another for her to passively accuse you of "emotionally cheating" on her.

    I agree with everyone else in saying that you sound pretty unhappy in this relationship, and should break it off. There is nothing wrong or bad with breaking up with someone. Ultimately the most important person in your life is you and you need to look out for that person, and make sure you are happy.

    Tavataar on
    -Tavataar
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    CountBlackulaCountBlackula MarylandRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Tavataar wrote: »
    Templeton wrote: »
    A female intern at my job added me on facebook, and my girlfriend took one look at it and walked out of the room, and didn't talk to me the rest of the night, which is awkward when you share a bed. The next day at work, she sent me texts like "Am I interrupting you?", and then "I guess so. Have fun with the intern." I let her cool down then tried to explain to her in person that this was someone I was working with, and she calmed down a little, but never really accepted my answer. She said I should have explained, and I just thought she would respond poorly no matter what I said.

    This sounds like something she needs to work on with a professional. That is an unhealthy level of paranoia and untrustworthiness. It is one thing to see that your S/O has friend some new cute girl, and to ask about it, and another for her to passively accuse you of "emotionally cheating" on her.

    I agree with everyone else in saying that you sound pretty unhappy in this relationship, and should break it off. There is nothing wrong or bad with breaking up with someone. Ultimately the most important person in your life is you and you need to look out for that person, and make sure you are happy.

    Quoted for so much truth.

    CountBlackula on
    8JHfoFW.png Dom's Sketch Cast
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    NamrokNamrok Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    A good partner will make you feel awesome about yourself, and give you more energy. Potentially to return the favor.

    A bad partner will suck the life out of you and drive you away. These aren't things that usually change without time alone and a fresh start.

    I say leave her. But keep in mind you aren't perfect either and try to grow from this experience.

    Namrok on
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    adytumadytum The Inevitable Rise And FallRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Getting out of a relationship that's holding you back can be extremely liberating. My last ex didn't want me to work out, move, or take classes because it would cut into our time.

    Upon breaking up, I immediately started going to the gym more, applied to graduate schools, moved somewhere nice, and started dating an amazing woman.

    Make sure you're taking care of you, OP.

    adytum on
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