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this is a new feeling - protip: people die

FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
edited July 2010 in Social Entropy++
And it is a bad one. I'm sort of a man of two faces. Inside, I don't really feel anything but anger, ever. I have been nothing but angry for like sixteen years. On the outside, nobody can tell I'm abnormally angry and unhappy and am for all outward purposes a normal dude.

But I've never dealt with grief. Never lost a friend or family member, except when I was six and my father's parents died. I wasn't close to them and never went to their funeral. I didn't understand it.

Only, now I'm 20, and I just learned that my grandmother died this morning. I'm really close to that half of the family. This is, frankly, something I anticipated and understood and now I have no idea how to handle because an unidentified emotion has been projected into my life. Compounding this with recent remarks from my mother about how awful I am and how I haven't been there for her or my grandmother, I am feeling certain elements of extracurricular remorse.

I could've put this somewhere serious but I know you faggots the best. Do I channel this through drugs? Stoicism? Right now I just feel somewhat stunned. One hour ago; that's the same distance it takes to drive down there and visit her, my grandfather, and the rest of my extended family.

Goddamn.

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Fandyien on
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Posts

  • fightinfilipinofightinfilipino Angry as Hell #BLMRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    your mom told you how awful you are?

    was this grandma on your mom's side?

    fightinfilipino on
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  • HyperAquaBlastHyperAquaBlast Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Wait you are only 20? I thought you were a little further along with all your drug stuff.

    HyperAquaBlast on
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  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    your mom told you how awful you are?

    was this grandma on your mom's side?

    yes

    Fandyien on
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  • OrikaeshigitaeOrikaeshigitae Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited July 2010
    take it as a sign to quit fucking up your life by being so into drugs

    alternatively, find out you had an ear infection as a kid and then write a somewhat falsified book about it

    Orikaeshigitae on
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    I just made an appointment with an addiction psychiatrist.

    Fandyien on
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  • QuothQuoth the Raven Miami, FL FOR REALRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Fandyien wrote: »
    I just made an appointment with an addiction psychiatrist.

    that is an excellent first step, good job dude

    Quoth on
  • cadmunkycadmunky One hand on the bottle, The other a shaking fist.Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    fandy, it's grief. let it take you for awhile. don't concentrate on anybody's opinions of you right now. or ever, really. just take some time to remember her and what she meant to you.

    i'm very sorry to hear of your loss. hang in there bud.

    cadmunky on
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    "Think of it as Evolution in Action"
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Grief is weird. I don't understand it.

    All I can think of is the last time I saw my grandma, and how I played her some of her favorite songs from when she was in her twenties on youtube.

    Fandyien on
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  • OrikaeshigitaeOrikaeshigitae Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited July 2010
    Quoth wrote: »
    Fandyien wrote: »
    I just made an appointment with an addiction psychiatrist.

    that is an excellent first step, good job dude

    :^:

    Orikaeshigitae on
  • HunterHunter Chemist with a heart of Au Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    On the other side, your mom is the adult and shouldn't be laying guilt trips on you at 20 about not being there for blah blah blah. They are suppose to be there for you. You are barely an adult, and at 20 have so much other shit going on around you that you don't need extra burdens like having to carry their emotional blackmail shit as well.

    Hunter on
  • lostwordslostwords Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Dang fandy, that is poopy to deal with. Sorry for your loss. Also, maybe your mom was saying that out of aner and grief more than true feelings, dunno. But like others said, use this as motivation to get your shit together. Hang in there, kitty, meow!

    lostwords on
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  • cadmunkycadmunky One hand on the bottle, The other a shaking fist.Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Fandyien wrote: »
    Grief is weird. I don't understand it.

    All I can think of is the last time I saw my grandma, and how I played her some of her favorite songs from when she was in her twenties on youtube.

    there ya go man. you're doin it.

    it's just a feeling you have to experience, you need to let it go through you. it's like a nice hot shower for the soul. just don't hang on to it for too long.

    cadmunky on
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    "Think of it as Evolution in Action"
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Hunter wrote: »
    On the other side, your mom is the adult and shouldn't be laying guilt trips on you at 20 about not being there for blah blah blah. They are suppose to be there for you. You are barely an adult, and at 20 have so much other shit going on around you that you don't need extra burdens like having to carry their emotional blackmail shit as well.

    To be fair, she said these things before this happened. It was kind of unexpected. [edit] It was actually totally expected, she had been in poor health, but I don't think anyone can truly expect these things with any regularity.

    But I just emerged from a period in my life where I was pretty suicidal. Tried to hang myself. Belts broke. Almost lost consciousness.

    It seems like the universe likes to coalesce in such a fashion that every unfortunate possibility in one's life can intersect like this.

    Fandyien on
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  • KalTorakKalTorak One way or another, they all end up in the Undercity.Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Quoth wrote: »
    Fandyien wrote: »
    I just made an appointment with an addiction psychiatrist.

    that is an excellent first step, good job dude

    :^:

    Well done, sir.

    KalTorak on
  • FlatEricFlatEric Leaves from the vine, Falling so slow Like fragile, tiny shells, Drifting in the foamRegistered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Fandyien wrote: »
    Hunter wrote: »
    On the other side, your mom is the adult and shouldn't be laying guilt trips on you at 20 about not being there for blah blah blah. They are suppose to be there for you. You are barely an adult, and at 20 have so much other shit going on around you that you don't need extra burdens like having to carry their emotional blackmail shit as well.

    To be fair, she said these things before this happened. It was kind of unexpected. [edit] It was actually totally expected, she had been in poor health, but I don't think anyone can truly expect these things with any regularity.

    But I just emerged from a period in my life where I was pretty suicidal. Tried to hang myself. Belts broke. Almost lost consciousness.

    It seems like the universe likes to coalesce in such a fashion that every unfortunate possibility in one's life can intersect like this.

    This happened to me a while back. Some 3 or 4 family members ended up being diagnosed with something, undergoing terrible circumstances, or dying. It all culminated with the death of my mother.

    Cadmunky has the right idea. There really isn't anything to 'get' about grief, it's just something that you have to go through.

    FlatEric on
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  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    I didn't really care about it until today.

    The psychiatrist, that is. Initially I was just being blackmailed by my GP into going. Now I suspect it could, conceivably, be helpful, especially in light of today.

    My extended family is torn apart right now. I called my mom (who is 600 miles away at a poets seminar in the mountains) and she's driving back now, wracked with grief. I feel really sorry for her even though, for all intents and purposes, I really hate her.

    Fandyien on
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  • YoSoyTheWalrusYoSoyTheWalrus Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Can...can we stop calling each other faggots now?

    And fandy that sucks I'm sorry, the only thing I can say is that the pain eventually dulls out on its own. Be patient with yourself.

    YoSoyTheWalrus on
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  • Canada_jezusCanada_jezus Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    In the five years before my grandfather died i had seen him a grand total of 6 seconds. He wouldn't have recognized me but still. Nobody really blamed me for not going to visit. In the end it doesn't really matter.

    The funeral was pretty terrible though, i'm like in some serious grief like fandy also never really felt that before and i have to shake 300 people's hands. Apparently grandpa knew a lot of people.

    edit: i also almost threw up when the coffin was put in the ground. Its pretty morbid the first time you see it. Therein lies a large amount of flesh that used to be my grandfather and they're stuffing him into a concrete coffin holder of some kind.

    Canada_jezus on
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    I've never been to a funeral. I look great in a suit, but it won't matter.

    Fandyien on
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  • Sweeney TomSweeney Tom Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    hope you feel better Fandy

    Sweeney Tom on
  • HunterHunter Chemist with a heart of Au Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Fandyien wrote: »
    Hunter wrote: »
    On the other side, your mom is the adult and shouldn't be laying guilt trips on you at 20 about not being there for blah blah blah. They are suppose to be there for you. You are barely an adult, and at 20 have so much other shit going on around you that you don't need extra burdens like having to carry their emotional blackmail shit as well.

    To be fair, she said these things before this happened. It was kind of unexpected. [edit] It was actually totally expected, she had been in poor health, but I don't think anyone can truly expect these things with any regularity.

    But I just emerged from a period in my life where I was pretty suicidal. Tried to hang myself. Belts broke. Almost lost consciousness.

    It seems like the universe likes to coalesce in such a fashion that every unfortunate possibility in one's life can intersect like this.

    I hear that, but remember, you need to be there for yourself first. Seek help from a professional and get better. Good luck to you.

    Hunter on
  • cadmunkycadmunky One hand on the bottle, The other a shaking fist.Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    and realize that it's natural to come to a time in life when it seems that life itself is taking away more than it's giving. come to terms with the fact that this is not true. life always does it's thing regardless of how you're living, how you deal with your relationships, etc. life is not out to get you, so don't look to strike back with any kind of self abuse. this is also common and very counter-productive to what you need to do to get through the rough times.

    cadmunky on
    5955603848_aed2690084.jpg
    "Think of it as Evolution in Action"
  • Canada_jezusCanada_jezus Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Fandyien wrote: »
    I've never been to a funeral. I look great in a suit, but it won't matter.

    I didn't cry the during the entire thing, like a solid hour and a half. I kinda wish i had let myself. Also about 80 people were drunk at his wake. Its the way he would have wanted it. His brother in law took it really hard.

    Canada_jezus on
  • lostwordslostwords Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    One weekend soon fandy, gonna drive down to Richmond and treat you so some ice cream and also buttsexing.

    lostwords on
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  • Bad-BeatBad-Beat Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    open bars at wakes really help the grieving process.

    Bad-Beat on
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    cadmunky wrote: »
    and realize that it's natural to come to a time in life when it seems that life itself is taking away more than it's giving. come to terms with the fact that this is not true. life always does it's thing regardless of how you're living, how you deal with your relationships, etc. life is not out to get you, so don't look to strike back with any kind of self abuse. this is also common and very counter-productive to what you need to do to get through the rough times.

    Yeah, my initial instinct was wine and xanax. But then I remembered that my grandma hated things like that, and I guess one of the best ways to honor her is to remember what would've made her proud.

    Fandyien on
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  • HunterHunter Chemist with a heart of Au Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    lostwords wrote: »
    One weekend soon fandy, gonna drive down to Richmond and treat you so some ice cream and also buttsexing.

    Why not let him have sex with your vagina?

    Hunter on
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    lostwords wrote: »
    One weekend soon fandy, gonna drive down to Richmond and treat you so some ice cream and also buttsexing.

    I would love to go to coldstone and then go sightseeing like a pair of gays.

    Fandyien on
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  • celandinecelandine Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Fandyien wrote: »
    cadmunky wrote: »
    and realize that it's natural to come to a time in life when it seems that life itself is taking away more than it's giving. come to terms with the fact that this is not true. life always does it's thing regardless of how you're living, how you deal with your relationships, etc. life is not out to get you, so don't look to strike back with any kind of self abuse. this is also common and very counter-productive to what you need to do to get through the rough times.

    Yeah, my initial instinct was wine and xanax. But then I remembered that my grandma hated things like that, and I guess one of the best ways to honor her is to remember what would've made her proud.

    Yes.
    Take care.

    celandine on
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  • lostwordslostwords Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Hunter wrote: »
    lostwords wrote: »
    One weekend soon fandy, gonna drive down to Richmond and treat you so some ice cream and also buttsexing.

    Why not let him have sex with your vagina?

    I'm saving that for someone special, gosh!

    lostwords on
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  • Canada_jezusCanada_jezus Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Bad-Beat wrote: »
    open bars at wakes really help the grieving process.

    This is so insanely true. My table had like 2 bottles of wine per person and most of the women only had a few glasses. I later got into a bottle of rum. We must have taken our sweet time with it though cause i don't remember being that drunk.

    Canada_jezus on
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    My whole family is pretty much 100% anti-alcohol. So no open bar.

    Most of us smoke pot, though, so maybe there'll be an open pile of joints.

    Fandyien on
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  • cadmunkycadmunky One hand on the bottle, The other a shaking fist.Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    yeah, a wake is different from grieving on your own. i'm all for group lamentations, but you still need to have time for yourself for reflection. and it's best to do that sober, otherwise it can spin out of control. you do have to stop at some point, and alcohol can impair your ability to know when. it can also cause you to grieve in the wrong way, e.g. self-loathing and blame. that's not healthy grieving.

    cadmunky on
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  • DrZiplockDrZiplock Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Fandy, man, you are absolutely right in not going down the xanax and wine path.

    Grief is a bitch and likely one of the worst emotions you can feel. However, it is one that passes with time. Honor your grandmother and make her proud. The fact that you're going to an addiction counselor is a HUGE step in the right direction. You're also going to start volunteering in an animal shelter and have been feeling better about your life in general.

    Man, don't let this be an excuse to take a step back. The last time you were with your grandma you made her happy by playing some songs from long long ago. That's awesome. Your mom is a bitch, but there's no need to go get tangled up in that one. She's going to be dealing with some insane grief at the moment as well.

    Press forward, stay the course and keeping on taking steps needed to bring your life to where you want it to be.

    DrZiplock on
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    jesus christ the ex-girlfriend who made me what i am today and ruined my life sent me a facebook message out of the blue last night

    why right now she is the worst person i have ever met and i want to cut her throat

    [edit] It was a pleasure to check it right now, in this context

    Fandyien on
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  • DrZiplockDrZiplock Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Dude, ignore it.

    Bigger and better man than that, Fandy.

    DrZiplock on
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited July 2010
    also, everyone grieves in their own way
    aside from not doing anything self destructive like getting fucked up on drugs, don't let people tell you how you should be expressing how you feel or what you should be feeling

    I'm saying this from the experience of my father dying from cancer when I was 18 and some people around me thought I wasn't grieving because I wasn't expressing it the way they would have, or that they considered normal (no I didn't do anything bizarre like strip naked and coat myself in goat blood). While I missed my father, I also expected his death (since he had cancer) and it just wasn't a huge blow to me. He lived a good life, he raised a good family, he was liked and respected and enjoyed life. So it just didn't seem like a tragedy to me.

    But again, that's just my experience and yours will be different.

    Druhim on
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  • KalTorakKalTorak One way or another, they all end up in the Undercity.Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    ...the fuck?

    KalTorak on
  • KrunkMcGrunkKrunkMcGrunk Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Hunter wrote: »
    lostwords wrote: »
    One weekend soon fandy, gonna drive down to Richmond and treat you so some ice cream and also buttsexing.

    Why not let him have sex with your vagina?

    God damn, Hunter. You must have an RSS feed of all of Lostword's posts.

    KrunkMcGrunk on
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  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited July 2010
    Druhim wrote: »
    also, everyone grieves in their own way
    aside from not doing anything self destructive like getting fucked up on drugs, don't let people tell you how you should be expressing how you feel or what you should be feeling

    I'm saying this from the experience of my father dying from cancer when I was 18 and some people around me thought I wasn't grieving because I wasn't expressing it the way they would have, or that they considered normal (no I didn't do anything bizarre like strip naked and coat myself in goat blood). While I missed my father, I also expected his death (since he had cancer) and it just wasn't a huge blow to me. He lived a good life, he raised a good family, he was liked and respected and enjoyed life. So it just didn't seem like a tragedy to me.

    But again, that's just my experience and yours will be different.

    this is sort of how i'm feeling, and my brother too, i think

    Fandyien on
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