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[INTERNET DATING] The REAL Stuff White People Like
Jragghen
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, looks like we nee another thread since the other one has reached its allotted size. I'm taking suggestions for the title. And yes, I readily admit that I totally ripped off wide swaths of this OP :P
So, you want to join the wide world of ONLINE DATING. Want to meet some folks of the opposite gender to woo and live in your own private little paradise of happily ever after.
Figure 1, some random hotties Malkor found with GIS. These women here? They're out there.
Well, probably not. Regardless, your mighty neckbeard won't impress them.
So let's get down to brass tacks shall we? Sure, you could spend ages messaging a perfect 10 like the ladies above with killer lines like "sup" and "omg u look amazing lol", but so is everyone else.
Figure 2, or how men are idiots.
So what to do? Well, that's what we're here for. Consider this thread your little corner to practice, commiserate, and craft you the profile worthy of the people you're trying to message. So, without further ado...
The sites
Different people have luck with different sites - a lot of it depends on your local geography and who tends to use what. That being said, the vast majority of people around here use one or both of the following:
www.okcupid.com - the more "trendy" of the two, and the easiest one to get started in. Also, they give us the awesome graphs and statistics.
www.plentyoffish.com - The latest and greatest website out of the 90s school of website design. However, inexplicably, this one has more people than pretty much any other site, so you might find it worthwhile to check out.
There's other websites, but most of them are pay sites, and fuck that noise. Also, there's Craigslist, but we're not going to help you with that one :P
Okay, got a profile, now what?
Something Awful has some rather good advice on profile making (OKC specific, but the general advice is sound)
As for Plentyoffish (and possibly any other site):
Other advice
-Don't mention the zombie apocalypse. You think you're being unique, but a stupid number of guys reference it. Just don't.
-Don't overthink things. Don't. Over. Think. Things. You'll manufacture problems where none exist.
SHIRTLESS PHOTO SECTION
And finally, the OKC Blog:
http://blog.okcupid.com/
If you want to get some statistical breakdown of what works and what doesn't, read the above articles. Always keep an open mind and whatnot, but here's some random highlights:
So anyway, have at! If you want someone to look at your profile, realize that a lot of people do so and give advice, but it can't always be the same people - offer some advice of your own in return.
Also don't be discouraged if you've read this entire OP, looked through the thread, and sent out a hojillion messages without anything meaningful responses. Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't, but your profile and the messages you send are only fraction of who you are, so don't take that shit to heart.
And as always, we part with some legendary advice:
So, you want to join the wide world of ONLINE DATING. Want to meet some folks of the opposite gender to woo and live in your own private little paradise of happily ever after.
Figure 1, some random hotties Malkor found with GIS. These women here? They're out there.
Well, probably not. Regardless, your mighty neckbeard won't impress them.
So let's get down to brass tacks shall we? Sure, you could spend ages messaging a perfect 10 like the ladies above with killer lines like "sup" and "omg u look amazing lol", but so is everyone else.
Figure 2, or how men are idiots.
So what to do? Well, that's what we're here for. Consider this thread your little corner to practice, commiserate, and craft you the profile worthy of the people you're trying to message. So, without further ado...
The sites
Different people have luck with different sites - a lot of it depends on your local geography and who tends to use what. That being said, the vast majority of people around here use one or both of the following:
www.okcupid.com - the more "trendy" of the two, and the easiest one to get started in. Also, they give us the awesome graphs and statistics.
www.plentyoffish.com - The latest and greatest website out of the 90s school of website design. However, inexplicably, this one has more people than pretty much any other site, so you might find it worthwhile to check out.
There's other websites, but most of them are pay sites, and fuck that noise. Also, there's Craigslist, but we're not going to help you with that one :P
Okay, got a profile, now what?
Something Awful has some rather good advice on profile making (OKC specific, but the general advice is sound)
Every Section
:arrow: STOP being "honest" via self deprecation in your profiles
:arrow: STOP apologizing to the reader of your profile
:arrow: STOP making excuses to the reader of your profile
:arrow: STOP following confident statements with insecure "lol" or "haha" or "i guess"
:arrow: STOP insulting your own life path in your profile
:arrow: STOP calling yourself nerdy or geeky or dorky or funny or witty or handsome or sarcastic or any-fucking-thing. Leave out any sentences that say, "I am [adjective]" unless you are prepared to put up or shut up.
:arrow: YOU ARE TRYING TO WOO A MATE. THIS IS NOT AN HONEST AUTOBIOGRAPHY. YOU'RE SELLING YOURSELF
My Self Summary
- Be Specific
- Show, don't tell. Use stories to show that you are interesting
- Don't talk about vague shit like "I like to travel" and "I read books for fun" and "I have maintained possession of both my eyes since birth."
What I'm Doing With My Life
- Don't beat around the bush. Just fucking tell me what you do for money or what you are studying in school. It's going to be a first question on a date and gives a potential suitor something to ask you about.
- Put interesting things in here. Hobbies. Not JUST work-things. Show me why you are awesome to hang out with.
I'm Really Good At
- You are not good at making people laugh or being funny or whatever. Find SKILLS that you have that you are good at. I can cut a deck of cards one-handed. I can drive stick shift. Something interesting that you can do that is awesome.
First Things People Notice
- It's not your smile or your eyes or your sense of humor or whatever.
- Think about something that people would notice across a bar if you were hanging out with your friends in a loud, crowded place.
Favorites
- List YOUR FAVORITES. Not every book, movie, television show, and food you've ever read, seen, watched, or eaten.
- Pick 10-12 things MAXIMUM
- If you must use key words, only key word two or three things in each section. The favorites of your favorites.
- For books, list titles, not authors. Some authors write a wide range of books. Some authors are associated with being a prick or a poser. Book Titles tell a lot more about who you are as a person.
Six Things
- Don't list bullshit like oxygen, air, water, food, friends and family. It's boring and meaningless.
- Don't list your computer, the internet, these forums, or something else pathetic.
- Do list things relating to stuff you love or mention elsewhere in the profile. Feel free to be silly here, but don't list six random things that have no connection or theme.
I Spend a lot of time thinking about
- Don't suddenly get all deep and existential when there's nothing else like that in your profile.
- Don't say "Taking over the world" because that's bullshit.
- Feel free to be funny or silly here, too, but don't make it cliche.
Typical Friday
- Don't say "there is no typical Friday"
- Don't say "taking over the world"
- Don't say "out with friends or in reading a book" like every other person ever
- This is a bullshit question, but be specific. If you are out with friends, what are you doing? Do you go dancing? Go to bars for trivia night? Watch movies and eat popcorn?
The Most Privet Thing
- ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION
Message me if
- Don't say "if you want to" or any other variation of that. BE SPECIFIC.
:arrow: STOP being "honest" via self deprecation in your profiles
:arrow: STOP apologizing to the reader of your profile
:arrow: STOP making excuses to the reader of your profile
:arrow: STOP following confident statements with insecure "lol" or "haha" or "i guess"
:arrow: STOP insulting your own life path in your profile
:arrow: STOP calling yourself nerdy or geeky or dorky or funny or witty or handsome or sarcastic or any-fucking-thing. Leave out any sentences that say, "I am [adjective]" unless you are prepared to put up or shut up.
:arrow: YOU ARE TRYING TO WOO A MATE. THIS IS NOT AN HONEST AUTOBIOGRAPHY. YOU'RE SELLING YOURSELF
My Self Summary
- Be Specific
- Show, don't tell. Use stories to show that you are interesting
- Don't talk about vague shit like "I like to travel" and "I read books for fun" and "I have maintained possession of both my eyes since birth."
What I'm Doing With My Life
- Don't beat around the bush. Just fucking tell me what you do for money or what you are studying in school. It's going to be a first question on a date and gives a potential suitor something to ask you about.
- Put interesting things in here. Hobbies. Not JUST work-things. Show me why you are awesome to hang out with.
I'm Really Good At
- You are not good at making people laugh or being funny or whatever. Find SKILLS that you have that you are good at. I can cut a deck of cards one-handed. I can drive stick shift. Something interesting that you can do that is awesome.
First Things People Notice
- It's not your smile or your eyes or your sense of humor or whatever.
- Think about something that people would notice across a bar if you were hanging out with your friends in a loud, crowded place.
Favorites
- List YOUR FAVORITES. Not every book, movie, television show, and food you've ever read, seen, watched, or eaten.
- Pick 10-12 things MAXIMUM
- If you must use key words, only key word two or three things in each section. The favorites of your favorites.
- For books, list titles, not authors. Some authors write a wide range of books. Some authors are associated with being a prick or a poser. Book Titles tell a lot more about who you are as a person.
Six Things
- Don't list bullshit like oxygen, air, water, food, friends and family. It's boring and meaningless.
- Don't list your computer, the internet, these forums, or something else pathetic.
- Do list things relating to stuff you love or mention elsewhere in the profile. Feel free to be silly here, but don't list six random things that have no connection or theme.
I Spend a lot of time thinking about
- Don't suddenly get all deep and existential when there's nothing else like that in your profile.
- Don't say "Taking over the world" because that's bullshit.
- Feel free to be funny or silly here, too, but don't make it cliche.
Typical Friday
- Don't say "there is no typical Friday"
- Don't say "taking over the world"
- Don't say "out with friends or in reading a book" like every other person ever
- This is a bullshit question, but be specific. If you are out with friends, what are you doing? Do you go dancing? Go to bars for trivia night? Watch movies and eat popcorn?
The Most Privet Thing
- ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION
Message me if
- Don't say "if you want to" or any other variation of that. BE SPECIFIC.
As for Plentyoffish (and possibly any other site):
Pictures:
- Your main picture should feature you alone, and your face should be visible.
- Other pictures can include other people, but do specify who you are in the picture.
- Do not put up pictures where you are not at all. It's a dating site, not a Facebook album.
- Do not put up pictures with your ex. WTF would you think that's a good idea?
Headline:
- Do not write "I never know what to write in those things". Think of something. It's not hard.
- Do not write "Headlines are stupid". NO U.
I am looking for:
- Not "intimate encounters". Girls do not need the internet to find "intimate encounters". Most of them, in fact, have their accounts set to automatically block messages from guys looking for "intimate encounters".
Question section:
- Do not "prefer not to say". These are simple straightforward questions that give some basic background info on yourself. Answer them. They're not asking the number of girls you slept with or the size of your wang or the hiding place of John Connor. They're asking whether or not you own a car. If you can't answer that with a simple yes/no, you've got issues.
Interests:
- Put some.
- Be specific.
- "Doing stuff" is not an interest. Neither is "taking over the world".
About me:
- Everything from the OKC profile advice applies here.
First date:
- Do not write "i dunno." Do not write "you come up with something." Do not write "we'll talk about it and decide." Do not write "whatever you want to do." It makes you look dull and unimaginative and boring.
- Everyone has a mental picture of an ideal date. Write a one or two line abstract of it.
- This section is important. It gives the other person a good idea of your personality. If your first date idea is chatting over coffee, you might not be a match for someone whose ideal first date is skydiving over a volcano while carrying an active bomb wrapped in barbed wire. See? Important information there.
Other advice
-Don't mention the zombie apocalypse. You think you're being unique, but a stupid number of guys reference it. Just don't.
-Don't overthink things. Don't. Over. Think. Things. You'll manufacture problems where none exist.
SHIRTLESS PHOTO SECTION
So if you look like this with your shirt off
Then go here
Or another such location where being shirtless is normal. Don't take the douchebag photo in the mirror shot.
Well, that being said, don't take that photo if you want a lady who would find a blatant shirtless photo kind of crass and excessive. There are a lot of women who wouldn't mind a brazen shot, so go for it if you feel like it.
Then go here
Or another such location where being shirtless is normal. Don't take the douchebag photo in the mirror shot.
Well, that being said, don't take that photo if you want a lady who would find a blatant shirtless photo kind of crass and excessive. There are a lot of women who wouldn't mind a brazen shot, so go for it if you feel like it.
And finally, the OKC Blog:
http://blog.okcupid.com/
If you want to get some statistical breakdown of what works and what doesn't, read the above articles. Always keep an open mind and whatnot, but here's some random highlights:
People lie in their profiles
Republicans get along with themselves better
Older women are awesome
Not all pictures are created equal
Guys disproportionately go after hot women. Women are overly critical then go for unattractive guys
Race matters
Don't speak like a fucking fourth grader
Be specific
People in the north have horrible hygiene
How often do you bathe or shower?
Republicans get along with themselves better
Older women are awesome
Not all pictures are created equal
Guys disproportionately go after hot women. Women are overly critical then go for unattractive guys
Race matters
Don't speak like a fucking fourth grader
Be specific
People in the north have horrible hygiene
How often do you bathe or shower?
So anyway, have at! If you want someone to look at your profile, realize that a lot of people do so and give advice, but it can't always be the same people - offer some advice of your own in return.
Also don't be discouraged if you've read this entire OP, looked through the thread, and sent out a hojillion messages without anything meaningful responses. Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't, but your profile and the messages you send are only fraction of who you are, so don't take that shit to heart.
And as always, we part with some legendary advice:
Too good looking for you? Son, let a girl figure out why she won't sleep with you. Don't do it for her.
Jragghen on
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Ended up on an awesome second date last night; grabbed drinks, chatted for three hours, decided to throw caution to the wind and snagged a nice, long, nobody-seems-to-have-any-interest-letting-it-end good night kiss.
Unfortunately, I'm out of town next week on vacation, and when I get back she's out of town for a week herself, but hopefully we'll be able to set up date three shortly thereafter.
Tried to set up a date with one dude who seemed cute and interesting. I figured out quick that he was hoping for a fast lay.
Maybe it's cause he was a doctor and was loaded, he must get lots of girls throwing their panties at him.
Oh well! Guess I move on.
Is there an easy keyphrase to use to make it clear to people you want to take it slow?
Apparently "I want to take it slow" means "oh baby playing hard to get I'll change your mind."
>/ Blargh.
Oh, and for those who remember the conspiracy theorist, well I tried to break up with her, but I haven't managed to get a hold of her on the phone since the last date. I've left a few messages. Now I've stopped trying. If she never calls me back, I guess we're technically broken up.
They hear "I want to take it" and insert "out of your pants".
Who has time for factual accuracy and paying attention?! There's fucking to be done, and those pants aren't going to remove themselves!
... wait, no, what I mean by that is good for you for identifying a problem and nipping it in the bud. Don't get played, especially online; women are in the minority here, so be picky and don't tolerate bullshit. There's a hundred more guys of varrying degrees of quality and compatibility where he came from. They might not all be doctors, but a bunch of them aren't silly geese.
Note: statistically speaking, a lot of them are silly geese, but not all.
That's just what THEY want you to think!
:winky:
... I don't even know what I'm implying here.
Even someone who takes you at your word that you want to take it slow and respects that, may have a very different interpretation of what slow means. More specific communication might not be the worst idea.
Of course, there are all sorts of things that are communicated poorly at first when dating, this is just one of many.
Nice hyperbole. There is a middle path, which is admittedly more awkward than a generic "take it slow" but also potentially better for both parties. Like, "Last time, I waited 3 months with the guy."
Or hell, don't be more specific, it's just important to be aware that coming out and saying "we should take it slow" leaves a significant amount of room for interpretation. It's just good to think about in these situations.
I'm using OKC to meet people, ideally, and develop something. I'm not a prude by any means, but I do have issues with bumping uglies on the first date.
Hell, I didn't even realize he WAS a doctor at first, since his profile presented him as a musical artsy type..and it was on second glance that I saw he had listed his profession and income (since so many guys seem to not do this, or is it just me?)
Which is also the reason I'm not attempting to date anyone at the moment.
Totally unfair of me, I am sure, but I don't really feel like picking through people with their explanations of why they currently have no job or car or some such, heh.
Unfair or not, I'd consider it unrealistic, given my friends who are currently unemployed. They have cars, still live in their same apartments, and actually go out to eat, because of that sweet sweet government cash they're getting.
I checked my profile again, and I have my job type listed, though it's very unspecific, as compared to doctor/lawyer. I turned off the income though, because I've got a low salary and didn't want to deal with the negative repercussions of that.
* Captions, write some.
* Use pictures of weddings, very cute girl you're hugging, or kids at your own risk
* Activity photos over face photos if you got them. Be a fun and interesting person who has more to show than what he looks like in the bathroom mirror.
Anyways, excerpts from someone I'm currently hoping to go see on Saturday.
Going to find a place we can go hiking, hoping that will go well. Course this is also the person who just wanted friends only so not putting my expectations much higher than just enjoying her company.
I think it probably works ok for me. My job says political/government. That could involve reasonably good pay, or fairly low, but probably wouldn't indicate anything in the range of minimum wage or scraping by.
Similarly, I think "Lawyer" at my age, could indicate anything from $60,000 to $150,000 pretty easily. I think it depends a lot on the listed profession.
Yeah I've got about the same thinking. Every now and again, I visit this thread (well, the old one) and start to consider making an account but then reality hits and I'm left to wonder what the hell I've got to offer anyone at the moment. Definitely will try this when I get a steady job but right now, the idea just seems stupid to me.
It's not a matter of what you have to offer someone, it's a matter of being comfortable with who you are.
If you're comfortable with your current state in life (regardless of whether or not you're attempting to improve it, obviously - nothing wrong with trying to better yourself while still being comfortable with yourself), there's no harm in trying. But if you don't like yourself and where you're at, you'll be projecting that to anyone who you might try to date, and it'd be exceedingly difficult to have things go well.
I have nothing against people with low income, or even no income if it comes to it, it is indeed the fact they would hide it that concerns me.
I have a few friends who make almost nothing, and I'd consider them all very good, dateable people.
It really is the whole..being ashamed or something? You might NOT be ashamed, but it comes off that way to me. And that is a huge turn off.
Also, I've dealt with enough people who don't have cars, privacy, or money for basic fun things occasionally, and I'm just personally done with all that. To each their own, after all.
Only problem is, there doesn't seem to be a way to do this without sounding like one of those couples that just wants a hot girl to fuck.
I literally cannot afford to date anyone at this time.
When I had money earlier this year, I went out a few times with a few girls. Right now, it's just not possible unless she pays for everything and that's kind of a rough spot to put someone in.
If you personally feel you would only damage your chances with your current finances (or lack there of) it's probably best to devote your energy to fixing that, and maybe just enjoying doing other things you like!
That way, when you come back to the dating game, you are even better off in other avenues?
If you're just looking to be friends, have your girlfriend send the message.
Less likely to be ignored (wait, a message from a girl?), less likely to call bullshit on just wanting to be friends, as a hot girl might be apt to with a guy.
Quite the edit there. :P
Some years back, I put an ad on the internet. Craiglist-like site. I detailed the various women who I'd previously met off of the site and how they were all disastrous.
Got a few replies. One was from a Chinese woman who noted that almost everyone I met was from Asia. So she took a map and she put a little "x" in all the countries of the women I mentioned and then put a heart in China. She said that I need a Chinese woman.
She also mentioned that she has two kids and is 34 (I was 28 at the time).
Well, whatever. She was a human female willing to meet up so she passed my test.
Before we met up, she asked that I call. She sounded English. I'm an American and reside in England, for those who don't know. Anyway, I always find it peculiar when non-English people sound English. I mean, obviously if they're learning English in England, they're going to effect that sort of accent but I find it peculiar.
So anyway, yeah. We met up. Average-looking gal (which is about the most one can hope for off the internet). Went to some Japanese restaurant. She talked about her work and kids. Showed me pictures of her children. They were like 8-10. They both looked white. Her husband was a white English guy.
Sort of weird. I read an article recently that 50% of Asian women in America marry non-Asian (overwhelmingly white, presumably) men. If anything, that figure looks low to me.
In any event, yeah, I don't know. Nothing really strange. I mean, she was a bit off but nothing I can describe.
She went on about the age difference a lot. Then I finally made a comment about her age and she got really insulted. She was going on and on about ages and I finally stopped ignoring these comments and she was offended.
This is more disjointed story than my others so I apologise.
Then we walked for quite a while and I started to feel ill but I won't go into details because it would make for particularly embarrassing reading.
So we decide to wrap this up. I was extremely desperate at this point because I had such a long string of bad experiences off of the internet and I had just moved to the country not too long ago, et cetera. So in spite of her strong insistence that she was too old for me, I basically begged for another date.
She suggested that we see Wicked. It's some homosexual musical for those not in the know. Loosely based on the Wizard of the Oz.
I agree. So we go. It's...well...it is what it is. It's a musical. We were leaning against one another throughout the play. So I think that I should make a slight move to show that I'm interested in a more than "friends" way. I do, she gets uncomfortable, voices her displeasure and I stop. I just put my arm around her, nothing too crazy.
So yeah, after the play I just want to get out of there. She keeps asking if I'm okay, and I say that I am.
So I get home and send her an email saying that this obviously is a waste of her time so we shouldn't meet up anymore. I figured I wouldn't hear from her, but she sent numerous emails after that. She was absolutely up for meeting up again. She also offered me a low-paying job for her little home importing/exporting business, which was odd. I wasn't working at the time. I declined the offer, though. She seemed to be a fairly well-off woman but I don't know how much of that is because of her husband.
Speaking of which, she just casually mentioned that her husband had just moved out. So when we met up, she was still living with her husband. I found that very peculiar. I think she was still married when we went out. Indeed, they weren't even actually separated.
Eventually, the emails stopped. She was clearly very desperate herself. But yeah, that was the only person from the internet that I ever went out with more than once..
ITT: LearnedHand is a magnet for bad dates set up online.
Given that the common denomenator between them all is him, a reasonable conclusion to draw might be that he is himself [strike]the silliest of geese[/strike] the problem in some fashion or another.
Hope you spend a little more time 'vetting' them these days, buddy.
"I [put / responded to] an ad on a Craigslist-like site..."
just sayin's all
Alternate Thread Title: [Internet Dating] A Strange Game, the Only Winning Move is to Actually Play
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs&feature=player_embedded#!
[Internet Dating] We don't actually date the Internet itself, we date people on it.
The thing for me is that they're all so similar.
And in the style of that dude who posts stories about how he gets into crazy situations because of women/alcohol or whatever.
Hence the
Hum. Thinking of a place to add it, but we don't have a "what to do while you're single" spot. Perhaps later.
Stolen.
you're admitting you're incredible desperate
you're dismissing them as unattractive
you're meeting up with older, foreign (or incredibly weird) women
consider that maybe you're not meeting cool people because you're not managing to entice cool people
I'm going to have some new pictures from my sister's wedding (which I may end up doing a spoilered "which of these should I use" post sometime this weekend or something :P), but I'm wondering whether it might be worthwhile to start my profile over from scratch again.
If I delete the profile, can I get my username back, or is that lost?
No. They don't.
If she's your girlfriend, then it makes sense to change it to Straight while messaging this person. She can change it back later unless she's actively pursuing female relationships. It's not like it's your birthday.