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Want to help a friend; is the best thing I can do "nothing"?
ceres
When the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
When the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
Here's the situation.
I will start by saying that I am a student, and the friend (let's call her Shelly or something) is the secretary of the department and isn't someone I know awesomely well.
She's been kinda down the last few weeks or so, definitely enough that it's been noticeable and kind of sad to see, because she's normally such a cheerful and upbeat person. She asked me to help with a display for the Fall term over the Summer which she seemed excited about, but she canned it with little mention after a couple weeks.
Today we were chatting in line for coffee, and I remembered to ask what happened with the display. She looked.. really upset all of a sudden. When I walked back with her I noticed all the personal items that usually clutter her desk were gone. She said that something happened, so it was pulled. She said that I can be sure it wouldn't make me a happier person to know the details, but basically a student made some very vague accusations last month about her conduct over the past year and a half or so with no evidence, and she's being harshly disciplined. She said her union's going to try to get it worked out, and it's not necessarily going to cost her her job, but she was given no chance to hear the complaints, and no chance to refute. All of this is against both university and union policy. She thinks it was one of those things where the student had a crush on her or something.
She's mostly upset because not only was it a student's word against hers that put her in this mess, but the people she's worked for for over 10 years never even gave her a chance to give her side. And whatever it is, she's almost certain she didn't do it, and even more certain she's done nothing wrong.
The worst part of it is that her direct supervisor, the chairman of the department, has become really abusive toward her. He'll come out and just YELL at her. He never does it with anyone else around, and no one else has seen it, but it's a frequent occurrence. She's become jumpy sitting behind that desk.. she lowers her voice and looks around when she talks. She flinches a little when the door opens. It's.. kind of awful. With no witnesses, she doesn't know what to do.
She has her union involved. I'm sure she's talked to a lawyer. I looked up PA recording laws, and it's unlikely that making a recording of an incident without the guy's knowledge would be legal. I know that there's probably nothing I can do. It's just heartbreaking to me to see, and I really want to be able to do something useful.
I'm writing this for confirmation that there's nothing I can do, and that in fact trying to involve myself will probably only make things worse. I'm also writing with the vague, vain hope that maybe I missed something or didn't think of something, and there's something I can do after all.
I will start by saying that I am a student, and the friend (let's call her Shelly or something) is the secretary of the department and isn't someone I know awesomely well.
She's been kinda down the last few weeks or so, definitely enough that it's been noticeable and kind of sad to see, because she's normally such a cheerful and upbeat person. She asked me to help with a display for the Fall term over the Summer which she seemed excited about, but she canned it with little mention after a couple weeks.
Today we were chatting in line for coffee, and I remembered to ask what happened with the display. She looked.. really upset all of a sudden. When I walked back with her I noticed all the personal items that usually clutter her desk were gone. She said that something happened, so it was pulled. She said that I can be sure it wouldn't make me a happier person to know the details, but basically a student made some very vague accusations last month about her conduct over the past year and a half or so with no evidence, and she's being harshly disciplined. She said her union's going to try to get it worked out, and it's not necessarily going to cost her her job, but she was given no chance to hear the complaints, and no chance to refute. All of this is against both university and union policy. She thinks it was one of those things where the student had a crush on her or something.
She's mostly upset because not only was it a student's word against hers that put her in this mess, but the people she's worked for for over 10 years never even gave her a chance to give her side. And whatever it is, she's almost certain she didn't do it, and even more certain she's done nothing wrong.
The worst part of it is that her direct supervisor, the chairman of the department, has become really abusive toward her. He'll come out and just YELL at her. He never does it with anyone else around, and no one else has seen it, but it's a frequent occurrence. She's become jumpy sitting behind that desk.. she lowers her voice and looks around when she talks. She flinches a little when the door opens. It's.. kind of awful. With no witnesses, she doesn't know what to do.
She has her union involved. I'm sure she's talked to a lawyer. I looked up PA recording laws, and it's unlikely that making a recording of an incident without the guy's knowledge would be legal. I know that there's probably nothing I can do. It's just heartbreaking to me to see, and I really want to be able to do something useful.
I'm writing this for confirmation that there's nothing I can do, and that in fact trying to involve myself will probably only make things worse. I'm also writing with the vague, vain hope that maybe I missed something or didn't think of something, and there's something I can do after all.
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
ceres on
0
Posts
As for proactive style things - you could help her find another job. Hit the university website, help with resumes, etc. That at least will get her feeling good about doing something to help the situation.
Its good that her Union is involved and the HR folks are on it - but I wouldnt get too embroiled other than helping stay upbeat and providing helpful alternatives - She may not be able to tell you things, it may not be wise for her to tell you things, etc. Let her lawyer, the union rep, and the university work that out - you can focus on her personal well being.
That's all I can think of, and that's probably what's best.
Thanks for the second opinion, guys.
You definitely can offer her emotional support either way, of course, and do nice things like bring her a cup of coffee or something next time you pass through on your way to class. It sounds like she's not getting a lot of kindness around the office.
Hopefully she'll open up (then again, she may not; whatever the disciplinary process is, she may somehow be banned from discussing it with students). If she does and is willing to accept help, you can find out who the decision-making authorities in the matter are and perhaps organize some sort of letter writing campaign among your fellow students to submit character references or something appropriate.
I organized letter writing campaigns twice on behalf of professors who were up for tenure when I was in college. It can help, but you probably don't want to do it in her case unless she says she wants the help.
There were people kind of in and out while we were talking, so I can't tell if she wants to talk about it or not, and I certainly don't want to push it if not.
At this point, I think I'll settle for making her smile.