Does my bonus apply to attempting multiple subneural hacking actions simultaneously, attempting to do a separate action while also doing subneural hacking, or both?
I am for all intents and purposes friendless. I talk to my friends from high school very rarely and I see them even more rarely still, and I seem completely incapable of meeting anyone new to hang out with. Well over 90% of my social interaction anymore comes from here which I find incredibly pathetic.
I have basically zero self-esteem and it makes being around new people absolutely terrible. I feel like everyone around me is perpetually judging me. Dammit that handshake wasn't firm enough. Fuck my hair is sticking up a little in the back. That joke was stupid why would you think someone would find that funny. Oh holy shit I accidentally tucked half my shirt in when I went to the bathroom earlier Lord please kill me now. Relaxing when with a group of strangers is like relaxing while covered in spiders for me. I get a massive red alert in my head to get the fuck out of there and I feel like the longer I fight it the closer I get to having a breakdown in front of a bunch of people.
So I stay in my room all day every day other than to run errands or go to class, because feeling lonely when I'm alone isn't as bad as feeling lonely when I'm with a bunch of people. And I hate it. I oscillate between self-pity and self-hatred because of my self-pity because dammit what the fuck is wrong with me that I can't go out and make some friends the way every other motherfucking person on this planet can. People that don't have any friends are pathetic freaks. Which just makes me feel self-pity again. It's like an unbreakable feedback loop of sadness. I feel like I'm never actually happy, I just have bouts where I forget that I'm miserable for a while.
Some of you guys have mentioned love dreams, you want pathetic, try friendship dreams. Where you dream that you meet someone who seems like a fun guy and you shoot the shit for a while before making plans to hang out on the weekend, or that a few of your old friends from high school have suddenly shown up and woken you up, telling you to get some clothes on because we are going on a ROAD TRIP WOOOO
and then waking up and being depressed for a few hours and you double-check your phone to make sure it really was a dream but nope your call history still has nothing but your mom's number in it.
And that's of course in addition to the occasional love dreams.
anyway sorry I've just been feeling particularly down the past few days and needed to get it off my chest somewhere. I'm gonna go eat some leftover garlic pizza now.
The forums were my social life for awhile, Speed. Fortunately, there were people on here close enough to actually see in person (this is also why you should go to PAX prime).
Doobh on
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Viscount Islands[INSERT SoKo HERE]...it was the summer of my lifeRegistered Userregular
edited September 2010
Yeah I think we're close enough so that if you meet any of us you'd be able to bypass the whole judging thing.
You should definitely organize to do that.
Viscount Islands on
I want to do with you
What spring does with the cherry trees.
it sounds like this could be severe enough to go to a professional about, let's see what some of the others with more experience on the matter here say
You should only see a professional if you have had thoughts of suicide or the feeling is ruining your quality of life (like forcing your grades down, fucking up your job performance, etc.). Even so, I never had much luck with therapists and thus do not have a good opinion of the profession in general.
Doobh on
Miss me? Find me on:
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Also, Speed, I am sorry you are in such a shit place right now. Lack of connections is entirely a thing that will wreck your self-esteem - I was pretty much where you were through most of highschool. My condolences, dude, I hope shit gets better - you ain't a bad dude, and you ain't deserve to be in a place like that.
Also, Shock, good luck with your bone removal. I hope they remove your bones without issue.
Man, Speed, I wish I lived reasonably close to you, because I would totally find time between classes to be an IRL friend. I'm really lucky that my three closest friends from high school still live in Arizona, and I somehow managed to meet a new friend in college (who later became one of my friends' girlfriend); otherwise I'd most likely be in your position.
Still, I totally understand the meeting-new-people paranoia. I am horribly awkward at joining a conversation, which is something you sort of need to be at least decent at to make new friends.
I sympathize with you too, Speed. My life has been pretty much that from middle-school and up. I always got that little voice in my head telln' me I ain't shit and I always have something wrong. And you know, maybe I drove myself a little crazy, cause I still got that doubt telln' me I'm doin' horrible crap, but I choose to ignore it entirely and just take any opportunity to build connections I can.
It's turned out all right.
E: It is still super scary to talk to completely new people, but I know if I don't I'll just be lonely and bored!
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Viscount Islands[INSERT SoKo HERE]...it was the summer of my lifeRegistered Userregular
edited September 2010
I always had great friends, but that didn't mean I didn't get the feeling I was being judged by new people.
Viscount Islands on
I want to do with you
What spring does with the cherry trees.
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DontShootToastersthe prettiest bulbat the ballRegistered Userregular
I have the thing where I felt people were always judging me, but I kind of think I've mostly overcome it. It isn't quite a non-issue, but it isn't near as bad as it used to be.
I think what helped was realizing a couple of things. One, I'm not as noticeable as I think I am. When I walk into a room, people don't think, "God, what an awful loser." I'm one of a multitude of people everyone sees on a daily basis. They're not judging me more than anyone's judging them. Two, people are never as good as I think they are. They might look like they got all they're shit under control, like nothing that bothers me would ever bother them, but the truth is, everyone has their flaws, their fears, their insecurities. And realizing those things, it was short step to, well, if they are judging me, if they are thinking they're better, fuck them because they aren't.
Posts
you are allowing me to retcon
albeit right after it happens
not days after or whatever
but still
here is some hearts
http://www.audioentropy.com/
Psion is the most dickish trait and I love it
Steam
Just shift forms till the situation is like puttn' rod A into Slot B.
E: Tommy gets it.
okay cool just clarifyin'
http://www.audioentropy.com/
E: Also, if you don't like me bein' a shape-shifter get with me. Let's get some rapport goin' on.
spoilered for who gives a fuck
I have basically zero self-esteem and it makes being around new people absolutely terrible. I feel like everyone around me is perpetually judging me. Dammit that handshake wasn't firm enough. Fuck my hair is sticking up a little in the back. That joke was stupid why would you think someone would find that funny. Oh holy shit I accidentally tucked half my shirt in when I went to the bathroom earlier Lord please kill me now. Relaxing when with a group of strangers is like relaxing while covered in spiders for me. I get a massive red alert in my head to get the fuck out of there and I feel like the longer I fight it the closer I get to having a breakdown in front of a bunch of people.
So I stay in my room all day every day other than to run errands or go to class, because feeling lonely when I'm alone isn't as bad as feeling lonely when I'm with a bunch of people. And I hate it. I oscillate between self-pity and self-hatred because of my self-pity because dammit what the fuck is wrong with me that I can't go out and make some friends the way every other motherfucking person on this planet can. People that don't have any friends are pathetic freaks. Which just makes me feel self-pity again. It's like an unbreakable feedback loop of sadness. I feel like I'm never actually happy, I just have bouts where I forget that I'm miserable for a while.
Some of you guys have mentioned love dreams, you want pathetic, try friendship dreams. Where you dream that you meet someone who seems like a fun guy and you shoot the shit for a while before making plans to hang out on the weekend, or that a few of your old friends from high school have suddenly shown up and woken you up, telling you to get some clothes on because we are going on a ROAD TRIP WOOOO
and then waking up and being depressed for a few hours and you double-check your phone to make sure it really was a dream but nope your call history still has nothing but your mom's number in it.
And that's of course in addition to the occasional love dreams.
anyway sorry I've just been feeling particularly down the past few days and needed to get it off my chest somewhere. I'm gonna go eat some leftover garlic pizza now.
http://www.audioentropy.com/
That's basically the Gloss threads' official secondary function.
What spring does with the cherry trees.
Twitch (I stream most days of the week)
Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
You should definitely organize to do that.
What spring does with the cherry trees.
it sounds like this could be severe enough to go to a professional about, let's see what some of the others with more experience on the matter here say
Twitch (I stream most days of the week)
Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
and guess who's getting cut open tomorrow?
this guy
Steam
I got bonitis
Steam
and speed I am hugging you with so much friendship right now
What spring does with the cherry trees.
Ahhhh
Oooohh
ahhhhhhh
e: what in god's name is that, vis?
Steam
Also, Speed, I am sorry you are in such a shit place right now. Lack of connections is entirely a thing that will wreck your self-esteem - I was pretty much where you were through most of highschool. My condolences, dude, I hope shit gets better - you ain't a bad dude, and you ain't deserve to be in a place like that.
Also, Shock, good luck with your bone removal. I hope they remove your bones without issue.
Still, I totally understand the meeting-new-people paranoia. I am horribly awkward at joining a conversation, which is something you sort of need to be at least decent at to make new friends.
It's turned out all right.
E: It is still super scary to talk to completely new people, but I know if I don't I'll just be lonely and bored!
What spring does with the cherry trees.
look at de?ad over there, being talented
ugh speed is being adorable again
you're all just such cool guys
e: thanks DE?AD. They are pretty good at removing my bones. At boning.
Steam
jerkin it all over
Stop being so nice.
You're sickening.
I think what helped was realizing a couple of things. One, I'm not as noticeable as I think I am. When I walk into a room, people don't think, "God, what an awful loser." I'm one of a multitude of people everyone sees on a daily basis. They're not judging me more than anyone's judging them. Two, people are never as good as I think they are. They might look like they got all they're shit under control, like nothing that bothers me would ever bother them, but the truth is, everyone has their flaws, their fears, their insecurities. And realizing those things, it was short step to, well, if they are judging me, if they are thinking they're better, fuck them because they aren't.
I guess, in short form, I grew an ego.
almost passed out during fencing and had to go home early
Twitch (I stream most days of the week)
Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
I am the vapors
I was lost and confused.
BUT NOW I SEE!