The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Dealing with Perfectionism
Flay
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So here's the deal: I've been dealing with a number of mental health issues for a while now, but perhaps chief among them is perfectionism. There are times I can keep myself fairly well balanced, and have virtual no issues whatsoever, but there are also times where no amount of resolve can seem to keep the demons at bay. Over time, these problems have had a pretty severe impact on my social life, education, recreation and even health.
Of course, the immediate reaction should be to contact a professional, which I have done. I've been seeing a psychologist for several years now (actually I've seen several, but the most recent I've been seeing for about a year), but it seems there's a limit to how much benefit I'm actually going to get from these sessions, and they seem to have become progressively less productive over time. After having somewhat of a panic attack today, I think it might be time to try and take some initiative to seek out possible methods of dealing with these issues.
To varying degrees, this perfectionism affects pretty much every aspect of my life. I won't be able to speak to a particular person, for example, because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing, or I won't be able to enjoy a game because I'm too busy trying to obsessively find all the collectibles or whatever.
Most of all, though, it's a problem with academia. If I reach a crisis point, as happened today, I'll be too afraid to start and assignment or too preoccupied to think straight, which both makes it difficult to get my work done and reinforces the problem of not achieving standards. I haven't yet spoken to anyone at university about this issue; I suppose more out of guilt than anything else.
I'm basically looking for some advice on how I might manage stress levels when things start to get rough, or avoid getting to that point in the first place.
Of course, the immediate reaction should be to contact a professional, which I have done. I've been seeing a psychologist for several years now (actually I've seen several, but the most recent I've been seeing for about a year), but it seems there's a limit to how much benefit I'm actually going to get from these sessions, and they seem to have become progressively less productive over time. After having somewhat of a panic attack today, I think it might be time to try and take some initiative to seek out possible methods of dealing with these issues.
To varying degrees, this perfectionism affects pretty much every aspect of my life. I won't be able to speak to a particular person, for example, because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing, or I won't be able to enjoy a game because I'm too busy trying to obsessively find all the collectibles or whatever.
Most of all, though, it's a problem with academia. If I reach a crisis point, as happened today, I'll be too afraid to start and assignment or too preoccupied to think straight, which both makes it difficult to get my work done and reinforces the problem of not achieving standards. I haven't yet spoken to anyone at university about this issue; I suppose more out of guilt than anything else.
I'm basically looking for some advice on how I might manage stress levels when things start to get rough, or avoid getting to that point in the first place.
Flay on
0
Posts
Keep in mind you are human, and humans make mistakes, the key point is learning from your mistakes and live.
You could even write the above sentence, and read it when you are afraid of saying the wrong thing, or when you feel you won't be able to enjoy a game because you are too busy trying to obsessively find all the collectibles or whatever.
Get organized. This may seem silly, but I can get around (most of) my perfectionism if I break assignments down to their barest bones, and give myself a weekly 'to-do' list. As I do each piece of the list I feel more accomplished, and it gives me a chance to do each piece very well, instead of waiting till the end and rushing and panicking through the assignment and winding up very depressed. It's hard to do, but it has really helped me, especially health and grade wise.
Second, but most important, is to start recognizing your accomplishments. Think about just how much you work to do something well. I used to be, and still am at times, super critical of myself, physical and intellectual wise. I just never measured up to my standards and I pretty much never liked myself.
But I started thinking about just how much I work, and how much time and effort I put into things to do them very well, and you know what? I have a reason to be proud. These are great qualities to have. But you have to give yourself slack when appropriate. Don't sacrifice your health or emotional well being. Take time to do things you legitimately enjoy, and specifically do them after working hard on something, as a reward and recognition of said work (but don't feel like you have to earn happiness, because you most certainly do not).
Bother me on steam: kabbypan
Have you discussed medication with your mental health professional? I don't want to come across like, "got problems? take meds!" but from your short description, it sounds like you've reached a ceiling in terms of the improvement from talk therapy and you may have substantial benefits from medication. So my advice would be to discuss that option with your psychologist if you haven't already.
I surmount this mostly by finding discrete, accomplishable tasks I can do. Sometimes this is work-related, but if not i'll do a run or clean something just so I feel that i've done something. Then i'll leverage that feeling to attempt something bigger.
Also, depending on the context, making to-do lists with lots of small tasks to check off help control my anxiety about big tasks i'm facing.
I actually make lists quite regularly, although I often encounter the problem of giving myself too much to do within a period, and then inevitably 'failing'. I haven't really tried subdividing tasks in to more managable pieces before though, that sounds like a potentially really useful tactic.
I have been on various kinds of medication before, but I haven't for a while. I will admit, I've been avoiding bringing up the subject, but it seems like I might not have a great many options.
No, I think you are correct. Anxiety and OCD are certainly a large part of the problem, and it does seem fitting that perfectionism would be a biproduct of these.
Also, it helps to realize that if you have any particular "major goals" in life, they don't all need to be completed within a rigid time frame. Try to be more relaxed about things in small steps. Rather than trying to accomplish everything in a game perfectly, or not even getting to the game part because you're worried about perfectionism (I've done similar things)...try to again, break it into smaller goals, and try not to worry if they're not all met. Or if they're not all met to your satisfaction. When you're dealing with 50 little things to accomplish, missing the mark on one suddenly seems less horrifying than missing the mark on one thing if you only have two things to accomplish. You know? Doing a couple of art assignments. Getting a slightly lower grade on one, so that you could get enough sleep for the next day. Doing 2 loads of laundry instead of 5. At least you did about half of it!
Catch 50 pokemon. Caught 45? You're awesome.
Catch Mewtwo. Didn't? Boy, you're horrible.
.....yes, Pokemon analogy. I am sorry.
To be honest I hit a breaking point a few months ago in my final quarter before graduating...and I just realized that I needed to do the best I could, and that it would be enough. If the best I could do at the time was give 75%...that was the best I could do at the time, and I could not have done any better. And let yourself be okay with things like that. It's certainly painful in the beginning, but it gets easier. Of course strive for the best you can do, but allow yourself to understand that it's okay if the result is not what you expected.
Pharmaceuticals for emotional states has come a longggg way in the past 10 years. If its been awhile, you may want to retry w/ your new doctor. Remember that what you try first may not work at all or may have crappy side effects. You'll have to keep trying alternatives and it takes time. Sometimes its taking several different kinds to handle all your symptoms.
Stick with it and be open with your healthcare provider - they are there to help you find something that works for you.
School counselors are fantastic, and I echo the sentiment that if you haven't you should consider seeing one.
i have dealt with issues (albeit to a much lesser degree) myself!
since my issues were all stemming from the professional side of things, i started emailing people who i admire in my chosen field and asked them how they dealt with the frustrations that come along with reaching their goals
hearing them tell me that they basically dealt with all the same stuff made me start looking at it more as a stepping stone towards the final goal than a giant obstacle blocking it.
sometimes just knowing that someone else who you can closely relate to faced the same obstacle and overcame it is enough to push you through
lists is a great idea
check lists!
i use them every day. when i first get up in the morning, i write down all of the things i want to accomplish that day
then i check them off as i do them
even if they're not perfect, i still DID them, I still achieved perfection when it comes to crossing off everything on the list...which i know sounds sort of silly but it makes me feel productive and i only feel good about myself when i'm being productive (there's my little bit of mental health quirk haha.)
setting little mini goals helps make the bigger goals less daunting and more attainable.
I'm not actually that concerned about what other people think about my performance, since I've never really been that pressured to 'perform' - my own worst critic has always been myself (as I'm sure is the case for a lot of people). I suppose part of the problem is actually anxiety about being independent. I'm at the tipping point between being a teenager and being an adult, and even though I consider myself fairly self-reliant (which in a way is perhaps a problem unto itself) I suppose the prospect of having to be fully independent is a little daunting.
At the same time though, nineteen years seems like such a long time to have been alive. It feels like there is a lot of wasted time in my past, like I should have done something more by now, and I'm trying to make up for it. I know this is ridiculous, and I know I have plenty of time in front of me... But knowing something is not the same thing as believing it.
You're certainly right though, I need to find a ways to cope with failure. The thing which probably triggered the panic attack I was talking about in the OP was me getting a lower-than-expected grade in a Japanese test (11/30, where the average was 15/30). I'd say it's partly due to the fact that I was spending so much time trying to get my other assignments done that everything was becoming unbalanced. I know it's an incredibly stupid thing to get so hung up about, but after breezing through most of high-school almost without any significant failures, it was still a bit of a shock. I started thinking about all the ramifications of failing a subject - I'll have to delay going overseas for a year, I'll need to foot more uni bills, etc... - and I freaked out. It seems so petty typing it out here, but I guess it shows where my head is at.
Going on meds saved me from a pretty drastic situation at one point, so I know now that medication will definitely have an effect. I've been avoiding them simply because I don't want to be 'dependent' on them - I want to be able to solve these problems on my own. Although, it might be that that's not possible, I'm not sure.
I'll certainly try talking to someone at my university now. When I said earlier that I was avoiding talking to the university out of guilt, I was actually referring to looking in to getting considerations for my assignments, since these problems have been having an impact on my work. Speaking to a counsellor is an entirely different deal though, and something I probably should have done a long time ago.
Heh, I think I'd feel really weird emailing people I admire about my problems. Actually I think I would be too shy altogether... I sent an email once to one of the guys at Valve once, but that's pretty much it. :P
I use Google Calendar a lot for making lists and keeping track of when things need to be done by, and when I did things, and for making lists. I definitely know what you're talking about when it comes to crossing off goals (I get really agitated if I'm not feeling 'productive'); I guess I just haven't been breaking them down enough!
Welp, I guess replying to this thread is one thing I've gotten done today. Really, thanks for all of the advice guys, even just being able to talk about this stuff helps put things in perspective.
Also:
And I'll never forgive you for it.
If you're going for a note like that, just know that it probably won't help your past performance.