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Rude inner monologue
markpmorgan
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I have a problem that has vexed me for a long time. I am a liberal, sensitive, kind person, but I have a voice in my head who has the most disgusting mouth. Not only is it rude, and I don't mean a little, I mean the most shocking language - things I would never say - homophobic, misogynistic and racist, but also unsympathetic and right wing.
I am terrified that one day I will give voice to the wrong thought, and come out with something awful - thankfully this has never happened, but it worries me a lot - am I alone?
I am terrified that one day I will give voice to the wrong thought, and come out with something awful - thankfully this has never happened, but it worries me a lot - am I alone?
markpmorgan on
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Say you're Spiderman, right? Say you're swinging along, and you see a bank, and you go "Oh shit man, I'm fucking Spidey. I could rob that shit no problem and be totally rich!" Yeah, you thought a bad thing, but as long as you don't actually do it and instead continue to fight crime, you're a good guy!
But yeah, I constantly worry about saying / doing something from "that side" of my brain.
like, i've heard the n-word go into my head a few times, but it is QUICKLY followed by "how can people think it's appropriate to call someone that". it's more an application of a terrible thought because i've heard other people say it before, and it's weird to consider that other people might actually say / do something like that.
after a thought has passed through your head like that, what do you think?
I think - "Holy shit - stfu - how can anyone think it's appropriate to call someone that? What if I had said that outloud? I'D hate myself if I thought that."
Still its kind of strange that you have such hateful feelings. You might want to try looking back at your life to see why you might have those problems.
Steam: CavilatRest
If it's bothering you that much, go seek professional help. What you've described isn't normal or healthy in the slightest.
Still its kind of strange that you have such hateful feelings."
I think I may have mis-stated the problem- I am not angry, and I don't have hateful feelings. I utterly disagree with the voice in my head.
Steam: CavilatRest
The best I can figure, and I'm also no authority on the issue, is that its your natural subconscious exploring the unexplored. I'm a naturally very curious person, and I find the more I give myself an outlet to explore strange, and unknown things, the less the sadistic creep in my head tells me crazy shit. Even if those things are unrelated entirely. It might just be a matter of keeping my mind occupied, giving me other things to think about, and not letting my mind wander about on its own that's doing it, but it does help. The more I get in to a mindless routine with no outlet whatsoever, the more belligerent and insisting the voice gets. I've also engaged my own inner monologue, and essentially just talked to myself, and gotten on to a different train of thought, acknowledging how crazy the shit I just thought was.
...that doesn't really help much.
Now, that's not to say it can't be controlled. With enough practice its possible to get those kind of thoughts under control, and stop having them all together. I don't know too much about it, other than its a meditative practice in mindfulness, stemming from a Buddhist idea that the thought counts as much as the spoken word when the Karma is calculated, so it is important to have thoughts under control.
-Current W.I.P.
You and everyone else. Once in a while I'll think something so racist/sexist/homophobic I'll catch myself and think "where the hell did that come from?". Everyone thinks of this stuff when you're pissed off or in a bad mood. No one is perfect. As long as you don't voice or act on any of this stuff it's all good.
http://www.fallout3nexus.com/downloads/file.php?id=16534
OP, this is not true at all. Especially not with the vehemence you describe.
The other day I was having to read back something to someone like A as in Apple D as in Dog... not being military I don't remember the correct words to use. However I got to N and my brain farted. I couldn't think of anything that starts with the letter "n" and then I thought of the N word and all I could do was fight my brain saying "oh don't say that oh don't say that."
This is not true. Schizophrenia would be much different.
-Current W.I.P.
I don't see how you could know this with any degree of certainty. There are legions of normal, well-adjusted people out there who say the most hurtful and scathing things imaginable with no abandon, and without really meaning any of them. Many of them get quite profitable jobs in comedy and political punditry (as if there's a difference), and those are people who basically SAY all of the things you think, and more. To say that there isn't an audience for that kind of honesty is, well, dishonest, which implies that such vulgarity resonates with a great deal of people.
I think that the constant effort of having to separate your internal monologue from your observable actions is simply a sacrifice we make to live in a society that can avoid unnecessary conflict and the inefficiencies that go along with it.
Of course, there's an argument that could be made that we suppress far too much vulgarity and the dichotomy between thought and action is larger than it needs to be... but ultimately, once you have suppressed the vast majority of conceivable actions, from theft, rape, murder, and assault, the gap between saying "Have a nice day", and "Fuck you and die you ignorant scumbag!", or worse, is not so large. I guess what I'm trying to say is, we already do a lot to get along with each other as a society. Thinking about calling someone a bunch of hurtful names is no big deal. Heck, even if you burst out with all that nonsense it wouldn't be a big deal, in the grand scheme of things, and it wouldn't make you a bad person in and of itself. Don't beat yourself up about it.
Holey crap, After reading this I tried myself and got the same hangup for a few seconds. Power of suggestion I guess. I think "Napkin" would be a better choice, though.
It's not normal to go around thinking things like that. Sorry. It's just not. And if it makes me abnormal to not have that kind of internal dialogue (and let me reiterate, to the level the OP has) then I'll let my freak flag fly.
EDIT: I never said there weren't other people who do the same thing, internally or externally, but however you slice it, it's not healthy.
I've noticed people tend to get a little wiggy about stuff when
1) something just happened that is negative stress
2) they are taken out of control of how they are being made to feel
The second one, in particular- I remember a guy talking about how he assumed people were judging him (something out of his control), so he would spew out secret profanities and mental insults as a defense mechanism that allowed him to feel as if he had some control back (by doing what he assumed other people were doing).
What is your mental response to these thoughts?
Agreed. I'll have an errant "thought experiment" every now and then, where I allow my brain to think something despicable, but it's never to this level, and it's never out of my control.
I am not a psychologist, but I can't help but wonder if you have a slight chemical imbalance in your head. Not enough to effect your actual behavior or personality thank god, but just enough to tweak your inner monologue. It sounds like this really does disturb you, so I would suggest seeking professional help. They'd be able to help you control these thoughts much better than the forum can, and be able to tell you much more accurately than we can just how common it is.
This might make an interesting topic in DnD, but, seeing as this is H/A, I must restrain myself from further commentary. Suffice to say, it seems rather judgmental and biased to declare normalcy or healthiness based on the (secondhand) examination of a completely internal dialogue. A vast majority of people would be ashamed to voice the concerns the OP has, from polite consideration or from fear of being judged as abnormal, so an accurate baseline of normalcy is difficult to establish, at best. My contention would be that our society seems to crave the vulgarity that the OP displays, which would imply that a large number of people could find some common ground with him in this respect.
Like, I will see someone and immedietly just think the most horrible things about them, kind of like you described. Thoughts of people as their racial slurs, stereotyping people in the worst way, just thinking really hateful things.
Like a pretty suprising number of times, the n-word will just come in to my head when I see someone. It's always immedietly followed by "WOAH WHY THE HELL DID I JUST THINK THAT?", and then dismissing it and thinking about race a little. It's funny because I'm not really racist at all.
Your brain just has thoughts like that. Try meditating, that is a way of training your mind. Really, try and think about where these thoughts come from. I know that I generally have a very negative view of other people and I generally resent them, that is where most of these thoughts come from for me.
Don't feel bad about it. It's something that many people go through, and chances are, it's as I said. You simply lashing out, mentally, at those around you because of your emotional situation.
That said, what you describe, and how you described it, is definitely not normal. Sure everyone does have similar thoughts occasionally, but the level of vehemence you describe, and the amount this whole thing bothers you, puts this out of the range of normalcy by, I feel, a wide margin.
edit: I just realized I don't think you even mentioned how often this occurs. Is it a really regular thing?
it's sort of like how if you try to think about your breathing as automatic, but something you also control, you become hyper aware and start directly controlling your breathing and can't stop
or if you're lying in bed thinking about how you can't sleep, it makes you unable to sleep
the only time my inner monologue gets virulent on the level you describe is when i am thinking about the possible virulence of my inner monologue. then it's like a tongue exploring a hole in your tooth. it's weird and painful but you can't stop.
Really? Civilised behaviour is just a thin coat of paint over our animal cores. It's a mask we adopt to be able to live in large numbers in the same places without killing each other. I'm not saying that's a bad thing by any means I'm just saying that's the truth of it. You deprive people of the things that make them feel safe, comfortable and well fed and you see how civilised they really are.
Being a nice, polite liberal person is a luxery you have because you live in an enviroment where all your immediate survival needs are met and more. But don't ever expect that part of you that comes from an animal to go away. Pretending it isn't there is not the way to go about keeping it in check either.
Are you really saying you've never come across an asshole and had the brief fantasy of punching his face in? If not you must be a zen master but that would make you the exception not the rule.
OP, thinking these thoughts make you a sociopath or mentally ill is crazy. Sociopaths are people who can't stop themselves acting on these impulses but I think it's fair to say most people have them from time to time. You just need to be sure to practice the same metal discipline you seem to be doing already. Don't allow yourself to slip into the trap of letting it become normal behaviour. As long as you know it's wrong you're fine.
To put your logic into practice, do we long for significant others because we simply want sex? We can go to clubs and have sex with a lot of people, every night, if we want to. But we want something better than that, a real relationship and connection with another person. Liking sex does not mean your relationship is bullshit, because it doesn't exist to fulfill your sexual desire. Likewise, wanting to beat the shit out of somebody does not make you an animal, it just means you're upset, you aren't thinking clearly.
http://www.broadcaster.org.uk/section1/scenarios/obsessions1.html
Has a lot about OCD thoughts.
Bother me on steam: kabbypan
Ok heres the problem, and im surprised no ones picked up on it. If you actively have thoughts that you completely disagree with, to the point of it becoming disturbing to you, you have a mental issue.
I mean, people think about things theyre not going to do. Sometimes i walk by something and think how easy it would be to steal it. But then i decide not to, because i dont want to steal. And thats it. Thats the end of the thought process. If i walked around for the rest of the day thinking about what a worthless peice of shit i am because i even let the thought of stealing cross my mind, ive wandered over into the territory from "harmless thought" to "mental issue".
Theres no easy fix for this, honestly. Obviously, you dont want to have these thoughts, but you cant actively stop yourself from having them. Its time to seek professional advice. Theres no quick and dirty solution.
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I'm not trying to diagnose here, but that sounds like a symptom of OCD.
I have it.
Some of it is simply socialization. If I see a black guy walk by in a do-rag or really baggy clothing, my first thought might be "criminal! big black scary guy!" and I feel like it's because I've absorbed that stereotype just by being alive and in the culture I am. But it's the ability to dismiss those thoughts that make the difference. But I also have OCD, and that can lead to thoughts like "it doesn't matter how I act on the outside, that I thought of this means I am, at heart, racist."
not necessarily big tough boys either
The thought makes my stomach twist, so I just push it on out, think "ooh boy if someone could read my mind they would not be happy" then I get over it because everyone does it or something similar from time to time
If it's a constant thing, just don't entertain it, cut them short, I used to have something similar when I was younger and very angry, depression outcast etc etc.