How to be happy alone

Spherick

So, i'm a 25 year old male, who for the last 10 years has been single for a handful of months.

I currently find myself single and feeling the familiar pang of loneliness and heartache. However, I feel that my usual way of getting over relationships of getting into a new relationship is starting to become self-destructive. I think I have co-dependency issues and that my happiness now hinges on me not only being in a relationship, but giving 110% of myself to the relationship, even to the point where I know its not good. In my mind, I feel that being in a shitty relationship is still better than being single as at least im not alone.

I want to be able to be happy by myself and wait out the whole dating scene for a bit. Unfortunately, this is such an alien thing to me that I don't know how to do it. In the past 10 years, I seem to have pushed the majority of my friends to the side in my quest to give my all to each of my relationships. I still have some who are awesome and put up with my bullshit, but they have lives of their owns - wives, houses, and several have moved out of state.

And I know that time will heal all wounds, but in the meantime - how do I reteach my brain that being by myself is not inherently a bad thing?

Rikushix

Could you clarify what you mean by "for the last 10 years has been single for a handful of months"? Do you mean that for the last 10 years, you've spent only a few months between each relationship?

Spherick

Yes, your interpretation is correct. I didn't mean to say that out of 10 years, ive been single a handful of months. I usually get right back on the horse and start dating again within a month or two of the previous relationship ending,

admanb

Meetup.com, gym, clubs, activities. That kind of stuff. Form non-romantic relationships over shared interests.

RadicalTurnip

Can you sorta' think of it as dedicating that much effort into friendships? I mean, if you just do that with 1 friend, then they'll probably get creeped out by how clingy you are...but if there's like 5 or 6 (especially if there's 2 or more different grps of friends) then everyone may thank you for being the "organizer" of events that gets everyone together?

Ultimately, you're going to have to learn to be happy with who you are, and not your relationship status...but I think if you can do this, it may help ease the transition a bit.

There's no quick fix, either. I mean, I'm 25, and when I was 23, I had 8 years of not dating...it took me at least that long to figure out how to be me without a girl in my life...so it takes time...Good luck

milehigh

Eh, I was in a very similar situation last year (24, now 25) I'm still single, the key for me was to actually be alone. I left my parents house when I was in a relationship and never spent anytime on my own after leaving home.

Making friends and focusing on friendships was valuable, but prior to me being single I had a mindset that if I was spending a Saturday night by myself, something had to be wrong. You may be different, but for me just spending some time focusing on improving myself (lot of reading, career pursuits and gym time) gave me a much better sense of who I was outside of relationships. It also showed me how much I could accomplish (ie: how much value I could have) when I was alone. I know that time is going to help me when I do end up back in a relationship and has helped me be balanced in my current friendships as well.

Katsuhiro 1139

Literally just broke up with my girlfriend there for the same reason... about an hour ago.

I've gone from one two year relationship to another two year relationship to the latest relationship, and 3 months in I had to call it quits when she told me she loved me last night. I feel like absolute shite right now, but as awesome as the girl is, I need to be alone for a bit.

I think the basics are what the other gents suggested; stay active doing independent things. Working out is a big thing for me, as being single usually gives me greater impetus to go and improve myself... tragically, this tends to land me in relationships!

Work at it for a couple of months, you'll be fine.

Spherick

Damn, you have my sympathies Karsuhiro.

Regarding the other suggestions, a few years ago I weighed upwards of 270 and through throwing myself into the gym, I lost about 70lbs. As such, im a regular gym rat and I must say, that is one of the things definitely keeping my sane. I will look into finding other groups of people for various activities (biking, rock climbing, etc..) in my area and try and start some platonic relationships.

Thanks for all of your encouragement so far!

jedikuonji

Remember that thing you wanted to do but couldn't because you had to spend time with your SO? Remember that movie you were excited to see, but your SO didn't want to watch it, so you didn't go? You can go do those things now.

Something you can do right now is go do something that you want to for no other reason then that you can. Doing stuff like this can help pass the time and take to focus off of being in a relationship and put it on something fun. For myself, I found table top gaming, video games, reading, watching movies, fixing up the house, and building models filled the time pretty well and gave me something to focus on. Over time I did this stuff more for the enjoyment of the activity and less for escaping from thinking about the relationship.

Now I have a bunch of hobbies that I enjoy. Worked out pretty well.

milehigh

Oh, also, volunteering, can't recommend this one enough in general, any kind really, and not just during this time. In addition to benefiting someone else, it's extremely satisfying and motivating. Great stuff all around.

Nylonathetep

Have you ever wanted to do some things but you can't because you have a girlfriend? Something like learning and actually getting a motorcycle? or even something you want to do but you don't have spare time for it; i.e. learning how to make clay pottery, or go on an extended eurotrip alone.

It could even be as simple as not showering for days, turn on really loud music, or playing video games for 3 days straight without sleep.

There's definately some luxury to being single... just ask any married guys.

Daemonion

What do you feel you are missing out on by being single?


If it is companionship and sharing experiences with other people, you don't need to be in an exclusive romantic relationship with someone to have those. As you mentioned, you have other friends and what not (even though some have moved out of the state), but you can also be more proactive in expanding your social circle if you feel you are lacking here.

If it is something like consistent sex and intimacy, that might be a little harder to find, but I'm sure there are still plenty of folks who would enjoy being close to you in that way without becoming a committed, exclusive relationship.


And what do you mean by heartache? Do you feel unloved, unwanted, or something like that?

MrMonroe

well, step one would be "go to a therapist and start talking to someone rather than just self-diagnosing yourself with co-dependency issues"

second would be "stop dating"

as in, if you think you're starting to become attached to someone, take a moment to step back and evaluate whether you actually want this person to be a serious part of your life

if you're not absolutely sure that the answer to that question is "yes," tell them you're sorry and explain the situation to them