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Porn = Infidelity?

2456

Posts

  • FencingsaxFencingsax It is difficult to get a man to understand, when his salary depends upon his not understanding GNU Terry PratchettRegistered User regular
    edited January 2007
    You know, before marriage, it's usually a good idea to talk about the sorts of things that turn you on and so on.

    Fencingsax on
    torchlight-sig-80.jpg
  • Marblehead JohnsonMarblehead Johnson Registered User
    edited January 2007
    Fencingsax wrote:
    You know, before marriage, it's usually a good idea to talk about the sorts of things that turn you on and so on.
    We did. She didn't have a problem with it then.

    Marblehead Johnson on
    Magus` wrote: »
    It's human nature to derive meaning from that something that actually lacks it in order to suit your goals.

    Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
  • LadyMLadyM Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    A lot of women find the idea of of porn degrading to women because they're being portrayed as sex objects for the gratification of the (generally) male viewer. I would wager that in their view it's worse than a mental fantasy about some woman because it's an actual real woman getting spooge on her face or whatever.

    Also, some women might find it upsetting because they think they have to "compete" with porn stars in terms of body image, etc. Or they may think their boyfriend will start expecting them to do something a porn star does that they aren't comfortable with.

    Whether your wife thinks any of these things, only she knows. Talk to her some more.

    Whatever you do, don't agree not to look at porn and then do it anyway. If you get caught, she'll feel hurt, betrayed, "what else is he hiding from me", etc. If you can't change her mind or reach a compromise, I advise that you to either 1) refrain from looking at porn or 2) leave her. Depending on what is more important to you.

    Maybe you should try to get her interested in porn. See what ToysInBabeland.com recommends, they list some pornos that are more "high class" than most. Or see if she's into gay guys going at it. Because a lot of straight women are.
    Ballman wrote:
    A couple of years a girlfriend of a friend of mine told me that she satisfied my friend enough that he didn't need to watch porn and masturbate. She had "cured" him.

    I told her that I thought that she was full of shit.

    She said, "No, really, he has no need to do it now."

    "Suuuure."

    Oh yeah, I've heard that one. "We sex each other so good that we don't NEED to mastrubate, couples only do that when they aren't fulfilling each other's needs!" She thought mastrubation was "gross." :roll:

    LadyM on
  • The Green Eyed MonsterThe Green Eyed Monster i blame hip hop Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    "I know you don't like porn, but I do. However, while I won't say that I'll stop looking at it, I'll make sure you never have to be confronted with it. I'll never ask you to watch it with me, nor will I watch it while you're around, and I'll clean up."

    Didn't work. She hops on my computer, and rummages around in temp files until she finds proof, then gets mad at me.
    That is a lack of trust. That is a problem unto itself. Go to counseling because the trust in your relationship seems to be eroding, not because you can't stop looking at porn.

    The Green Eyed Monster on
    wisdom wrote:
    if knowledge is power and power corrupts, be smart, be evil
  • FencingsaxFencingsax It is difficult to get a man to understand, when his salary depends upon his not understanding GNU Terry PratchettRegistered User regular
    edited January 2007
    We are just talking porn here, though. Right? Masturbation is still OK?

    Fencingsax on
    torchlight-sig-80.jpg
  • Marblehead JohnsonMarblehead Johnson Registered User
    edited January 2007
    Fencingsax wrote:
    We are just talking porn here, though. Right? Masturbation is still OK?
    Actually, yeah. She doesn't mind that at all.

    Marblehead Johnson on
    Magus` wrote: »
    It's human nature to derive meaning from that something that actually lacks it in order to suit your goals.

    Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
  • FencingsaxFencingsax It is difficult to get a man to understand, when his salary depends upon his not understanding GNU Terry PratchettRegistered User regular
    edited January 2007
    Fencingsax wrote:
    We are just talking porn here, though. Right? Masturbation is still OK?
    Actually, yeah. She doesn't mind that at all.

    Then all you really need is a more vivid imagination. I'm not sure which emoticon to use here.

    Fencingsax on
    torchlight-sig-80.jpg
  • RaggaholicRaggaholic Registered User
    edited January 2007
    It's an insecurity thing. Some (most) women are at least somewhat insecure in their appearance, just as men are insecure in their masculinity. For this reason, a woman ideally wants zero competition when it comes to a man she likes. This is the reason porn would be described as "cheating" because women are intimidated by each other and could see themselves having to compete with the porn stars, making them uncomfortable.

    I came in here to say this exact same thing.

    Also, this is a specific type of insecurity. I have dated a highly insecure girl who had no problem with me looking at porn or going to strip clubs because she doesn't see those particular girls as a threat. Studying with girls from my law school at my apartment is vastly more threatening to her, since she thinks I want an upwardly mobile female, and she only has her bachelor's degree.

    Also, regarding the girlfriends who get mad when they "find" hidden porn. Do they automatically go for the "It's not the fact that you look, but the fact that you hide it" garbage that I've had to hear before?

    Raggaholic on
    Feral wrote:
    Hell just froze over, because I just agreed with everything Raggaholic said in post about sex.
  • FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD along with you if I get drunk well I know I'm gonna be gonna be the man whoRegistered User regular
    edited January 2007
    celery77 wrote:
    Feral wrote:
    Cheating is violating whatever agreements about extracurricular activities you've made in your relationship. If you've agreed not to look at porn, and you go look at porn, you've cheated. If you feel that your partner has unreasonable expectations for you, find a new partner.
    Which is fine and all, but like the brief hypotheticals raised above, don't you think there are "agreements" that are never appropriate? Because I would say there are, and that this form of "infidelity" is one of them*.

    Sure, some expectations are unreasonable. It would be unreasonable for somebody to start dating you, get to know you, and then expect that at some arbitrary point in the relationship you're going to stop looking at porn.

    I don't think that giving up porn is unreasonable for everybody.
    Counselling has been mentioned before by people in this discussion (different board), but it sort of backfired. When I mentioned counselling, she got INCREDIBLY mad that she thought that I loved porn more than her to the degree that we should spend money on a psychiatrist to see who's right.

    Personally, unless somebody - even my partner - can't tell me why they feel I should stop XYZ behavior, or why they have XYZ expectations, I'd probably have little patience for them and I'd suggest we go get counseling. Same if somebody acted one way towards me and then started to act a different way after reaching a milestone. That's the sort of thing that can affect the relationship in other ways, not just porn.

    Probably the way to get her in counseling is to temporarily agree to give up the porn, and then say, "I think we have mismatched expectations for our relationship, and I want to make sure it doesn't go deeper than porn."
    Keep in mind, this is the same woman who played "what wierd porn can we find?" back when we were just dating (note: midget amputee porn won).
    ...
    She never had a problem with porn at all until we got married.

    Did she give you any indication that someday she would expect you to give up porn?

    If she did, the problem is with you ignoring that communication. If she didn't, the problem is with her for making arbitrary expectations that she didn't make you privy to.

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.
    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
  • MalkorMalkor Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    The #2 most common one, behind jailbait girls (which wierds me out, especially since it's #1).

    And why is it bad juju to assume that?

    So you're all like 'Babe, I thought you'd be smart, confident and capable enough to accept my Mongolian Jailbait porn, guess was wrong about 'ya'?

    Malkor on
    14271f3c-c765-4e74-92b1-49d7612675f2.jpg
  • Marblehead JohnsonMarblehead Johnson Registered User
    edited January 2007
    Uhm... nope, pretty much nothing like that, actually. That's sort of throwing a compliment in her face, and I'm a little offended you think I'm such a jackass that I'd try to lord that over her.

    Marblehead Johnson on
    Magus` wrote: »
    It's human nature to derive meaning from that something that actually lacks it in order to suit your goals.

    Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
  • Marblehead JohnsonMarblehead Johnson Registered User
    edited January 2007
    Raggaholic wrote:
    Also, regarding the girlfriends who get mad when they "find" hidden porn. Do they automatically go for the "It's not the fact that you look, but the fact that you hide it" garbage that I've had to hear before?
    Wow. Word for word.

    Marblehead Johnson on
    Magus` wrote: »
    It's human nature to derive meaning from that something that actually lacks it in order to suit your goals.

    Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
  • ElJeffeElJeffe Moderator, ClubPA mod
    edited January 2007
    Fencingsax wrote:
    You know, before marriage, it's usually a good idea to talk about the sorts of things that turn you on and so on.
    We did. She didn't have a problem with it then.

    Well, you have three options, here:

    1) Decide that your wife's opinion on this is more important than your porn habit, and give it up. Maybe she thought it was fine before, and had a change of heart. People have been known to change their minds.

    2) Decide that porn is more important than your wife, and dump her so that you can watch Pulp Friction in peace.

    3) Tell your wife that you'll give it up, and then watch it behind her back.


    The last option makes you something of a douche, though, inasmuch as that sort of dishonesty belies an unhealthy relationship. I'm going to be altering my diet by giving up desserts because it will help my wife resist temptation and eat healthier. And I really like me some fucking ice cream at night, I tell you what. I'm doing it because her happiness is more important than a bunch of frozen dairy, even though this isn't something that we agreed to prior to our marriage. Marriage often means compromise. Oh noes, and such.

    ElJeffe on
    Maddie: "I named my feet. The left one is flip and the right one is flop. Oh, and also I named my flip-flops."

    I make tweet.
  • YarYar Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    I'm suprised no one flamed the newcomer for posting a "discuss" thread on his first day. But he's contributed nicely afterwards.

    Yes, porn is cheating. You're looking at other women naked, in a sexual context, for your own sexual gratification. You're getting from other women what your wife wants you to get from her.

    It's all about where you draw the line, though. Some women think that if you see a hottie walk by and you think, "nice," then you've already cheated just as if you'd fucked that hottie three times in each hole.

    But is that really cheating? Is a brief lustful thought about another woman cheating? Is looking at porn cheating? How about a strip club? A lap dance at a strip club? In a private room? How about if a friend-girl you know from work does a strip tease for you in your office, for fun? There is a line somewhere, and I don't think we'll be able to determine for sure where that line is in this thread for every couple.

    My wife is unhappy and uncomfortable with everything starting with porn and ending with the private lap dance (the uncomfortableness growing with each). I'm guessing on some of that, though, I've never pushed it that far. But she tolerates stuff in that area. Even within those tolerable activities there is a measure of intent. If I'm going to strip clubs regularly for myself, it would be bad. If I'm going for a buddy's bachelor party, she'll just roll her eyes.

    Anyway, actual "cheating" to her probably wouldn't begin until it was personal and sexually-charged (i.e., the girl from work) or involved actual sexual contact (i.e., a hooker or the private lap dance with a really big tip).

    But for others, I think the line for cheating could reasonably exist anywhere in there, including even at porn, or perhaps at the other end, it isn't cheating until you love someone else.
    (note: midget amputee porn won).
    I'd vote for mothers breastfeeding their teenage daughters. When that pop-up comes up I always just cancel my porn activities and go to bed unsatisfied and creeped out.

    Yar on
  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    I used to think watching porn was disgusting and a bad habit to have. Then I realised that what I would imagine in my head during sex was just as bad; and that not everyone always wants to have to work their imagination hard in order to get off.

    However, I have been in a relationship in the past, and so have other women/people judging by anecdotal evidence, where porn was placed above sex. Men who didn't want to have to go through the effort of pleasing a woman, but wanted to rub a quick one off - fine, except that it leaves the woman sexually unsatisfied and then the subject of porn becomes one of resentment. Of course, it can also be the other way round - it's just that more men than women watch porn.

    I really dislike how heavily porn is categorised, though - and some of the categories are really quite scary/sick. I'd also not want to be with someone who was into anything illegal.

    Janson on
    sig.jpg
  • FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD along with you if I get drunk well I know I'm gonna be gonna be the man whoRegistered User regular
    edited January 2007
    ElJeffe wrote:
    1) Decide that your wife's opinion on this is more important than your porn habit, and give it up. Maybe she thought it was fine before, and had a change of heart. People have been known to change their minds.

    2) Decide that porn is more important than your wife, and dump her so that you can watch Pulp Friction in peace.

    3) Tell your wife that you'll give it up, and then watch it behind her back.

    4) Tell your wife that you'd be willing to give it up, but you wouldn't be happy, you'd rather come to a compromise of some sort, you feel that its unfair that the rules of the relationship changed in such an unexpected way so abruptly, find out why this bothers her so much, and address any other unvoiced expectations that may have recently arisen.

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.
    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
  • MalkorMalkor Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    Also there's a huge difference from watching playboy or picking up a hustler and trawling the internet for things you'd never admit to in pleasant company.

    Malkor on
    14271f3c-c765-4e74-92b1-49d7612675f2.jpg
  • Marblehead JohnsonMarblehead Johnson Registered User
    edited January 2007
    Yar wrote:
    (note: midget amputee porn won).
    I'd vote for mothers breastfeeding their teenage daughters. When that pop-up comes up I always just cancel my porn activities and go to bed unsatisfied and creeped out.
    Heh, that might win, too. My wife is a a heavy poster on a Lactivism board, and anything older than toddlers sort of squiks her out.

    I like all the hard-and-fast solutions here. "Dump her, quit porn, or be a douche". So far, the dessert argument was the only one I've heard that makes any sense, but it still misses the mark. She doesn't want me to quit eating meat, even though it disgusts her (she's a vegetarian), but she does want me to quit looking at women with bigger boobs (she's sort of flat), even though it disgusts her. Both things I do have no effect on her life whatsoever (I cook our meals at the same time, and I look at pictures when she's not around), and both things make me happy (I feel good after a pork chop, and I feel pleasantly satisfied after looking at those pictures, but not the sort of satisfaction that comes from me having sex with the woman I love, which I also do as often as possible).

    Thanks for all of the contributions so far, though. It has given me some new stuff to think about.

    If anyone else has any stories to share, by all means... this thread got to 28 pages on a diff board.
    Feral wrote:
    4) Tell your wife that you'd be willing to give it up, but you wouldn't be happy, you'd rather come to a compromise of some sort, you feel that its unfair that the rules of the relationship changed in such an unexpected way so abruptly, find out why this bothers her so much, and address any other unvoiced expectations that may have recently arisen.

    Actually, that was HER argument. She said that if I made her stop, I'd be unhappy and resentful... then she said she wanted me to stop. *sigh*
    I'm suprised no one flamed the newcomer for posting a "discuss" thread on his first day. But he's contributed nicely afterwards.

    Thanks?

    Marblehead Johnson on
    Magus` wrote: »
    It's human nature to derive meaning from that something that actually lacks it in order to suit your goals.

    Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
  • ElJeffeElJeffe Moderator, ClubPA mod
    edited January 2007
    Janson wrote:
    However, I have been in a relationship in the past, and so have other women/people judging by anecdotal evidence, where porn was placed above sex. Men who didn't want to have to go through the effort of pleasing a woman, but wanted to rub a quick one off - fine, except that it leaves the woman sexually unsatisfied and then the subject of porn becomes one of resentment. Of course, it can also be the other way round - it's just that more men than women watch porn.

    Yes, it's largely a function of the role that porn plays. When the guy is watching porn, is he thinking, "Man, I really wish I could bang that barely legal chick"? Or is he just thinking, "Man, sex is awesome"? Is he using it at a time when he could just as easily be making love to his SO, or is he using it at those times when sex with her isn't an option (either she's gone, or not interested at the moment, or whatever)? Very contextual.

    I think porn can play a role in a healthy sexual relationship, though whether or not it usually does is certainly questionable.

    ElJeffe on
    Maddie: "I named my feet. The left one is flip and the right one is flop. Oh, and also I named my flip-flops."

    I make tweet.
  • The Green Eyed MonsterThe Green Eyed Monster i blame hip hop Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    ElJeffe wrote:
    Well, you have three options, here:

    1) Decide that your wife's opinion on this is more important than your porn habit, and give it up. Maybe she thought it was fine before, and had a change of heart. People have been known to change their minds.

    2) Decide that porn is more important than your wife, and dump her so that you can watch Pulp Friction in peace.

    3) Tell your wife that you'll give it up, and then watch it behind her back.


    The last option makes you something of a douche, though, inasmuch as that sort of dishonesty belies an unhealthy relationship. I'm going to be altering my diet by giving up desserts because it will help my wife resist temptation and eat healthier. And I really like me some fucking ice cream at night, I tell you what. I'm doing it because her happiness is more important than a bunch of frozen dairy, even though this isn't something that we agreed to prior to our marriage. Marriage often means compromise. Oh noes, and such.
    While I agree the viewing of porn is a relatively minor issue in a relationship and should be an extremely easy thing to work around, it also seems the couple might be building this problem up to more than it is, and that it really includes many other factors in both side's position than the mere viewing or whatever. This is why, even if it is something which I agree should be painfully easy to quash, I think counseling might be a good option to consider, because I simply don't believe this fight is just about porn any more.

    Anyway, we're drifting off-topic into H/A territory. I'm not entirely positive how to pull it back around.

    The Green Eyed Monster on
    wisdom wrote:
    if knowledge is power and power corrupts, be smart, be evil
  • ElJeffeElJeffe Moderator, ClubPA mod
    edited January 2007
    Feral wrote:
    ElJeffe wrote:
    1) Decide that your wife's opinion on this is more important than your porn habit, and give it up. Maybe she thought it was fine before, and had a change of heart. People have been known to change their minds.

    2) Decide that porn is more important than your wife, and dump her so that you can watch Pulp Friction in peace.

    3) Tell your wife that you'll give it up, and then watch it behind her back.

    4) Tell your wife that you'd be willing to give it up, but you wouldn't be happy, you'd rather come to a compromise of some sort, you feel that its unfair that the rules of the relationship changed in such an unexpected way so abruptly, find out why this bothers her so much, and address any other unvoiced expectations that may have recently arisen.

    I was actually going on the assumption that 4) had already been tried and hadn't worked, and that at the end of the day his wife was just really distraught by the idea of her husband wanking it to other women.

    ElJeffe on
    Maddie: "I named my feet. The left one is flip and the right one is flop. Oh, and also I named my flip-flops."

    I make tweet.
  • The Green Eyed MonsterThe Green Eyed Monster i blame hip hop Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    Feral wrote:
    4) Tell your wife that you'd be willing to give it up, but you wouldn't be happy, you'd rather come to a compromise of some sort, you feel that its unfair that the rules of the relationship changed in such an unexpected way so abruptly, find out why this bothers her so much, and address any other unvoiced expectations that may have recently arisen.
    This is what I'm saying. Long relationships are often more convoluted than "if x then y" and that needs to be taken into consideration.

    The Green Eyed Monster on
    wisdom wrote:
    if knowledge is power and power corrupts, be smart, be evil
  • MentholMenthol Registered User
    edited January 2007
    Some people need to get it through their fucking heads and sex and masturbation are independant and distinct from eachother. We're not in competition with our partner's hand; nor they with ours.

    Chicks who are dead set against their partners viewing porn annoy the hell out of me. And I say chicks because while I HAVE heard many express these sentiments, i've never heard a guy do so.

    It's just... a tool; it's meant to get the job done more efficiently. To me, this sort of attitude speaks only of the depressing lack of self worth that some women have. I would only care about my partner looking at porn if
    A: He begins to perfer viewing it to spending time with me
    B: He starts to put himself behind financially paying for it (indicating that he is entirely too stupid for me to be with him)
    or C: The content is illegal.

    But, to throw another factor into this...

    ...what about those men who are jealous of a dildo? :?

    Menthol on
    sigbz8.jpg
    You're not L33T enough for IDI/RN FTP!
  • Loren MichaelLoren Michael Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    Didn't work. She hops on my computer, and rummages around in temp files until she finds proof, then gets mad at me.

    She has significant problems, then. She is determined to be offended.

    Loren Michael on
    2ezikn6.jpg
  • Marblehead JohnsonMarblehead Johnson Registered User
    edited January 2007
    I actually think it's sort of hot to imagine my wife in the bath with some scented candles, enjoying herself when I'm just too god-damn tired to even lift food to my mouth, let alone please her (it happens a lot, we have two kids with fascinating medical issues, and I'm tired a lot). We're just two very different people, though...

    Marblehead Johnson on
    Magus` wrote: »
    It's human nature to derive meaning from that something that actually lacks it in order to suit your goals.

    Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    If she wants you to stop looking at porn, then she should be willing to give you some sweet, sweet lovin' whenever you want to rub one out, right? :P

    Thanatos on
  • ElJeffeElJeffe Moderator, ClubPA mod
    edited January 2007
    celery77 wrote:
    Anyway, we're drifting off-topic into H/A territory. I'm not entirely positive how to pull it back around.

    We can simply replace any reference to the OP with "Hypothetical Harry", and we have a D&D topic. I think this thread will benefit from the freedom to branch out the discussion a little.

    ElJeffe on
    Maddie: "I named my feet. The left one is flip and the right one is flop. Oh, and also I named my flip-flops."

    I make tweet.
  • mcdermottmcdermott Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    In response to the "she never had a problem with it before" line of argument...it's possible she did. People do shit like that all the time in relationships; they find somebody who they like in almost every way, and figure the rest can change later. Or they pretend they like/don't mind something, under the assumption they can just bring it up later. Or pretend they're something they aren't. This can range from pretending to like Modest Mouse when really you can't stand them (relatively benign) to pretending to believe in the other person's religion (yes, I've seen it...it doesn't end well). I'd say the whole porn thing probably leans towards the latter end of the spectrum, unfortunately.

    So you may want to consider the possibility that she has always had a problem with the porn, and that she is only now deciding to make an issue of it...perhaps because she finally decided she couldn't get over it, or perhaps because she thinks you're invested enough in the relationship now that you really can't refuse. More likely the former, as if it was the latter you'd probably already know she's evil.

    As far as the whole "what weird porn can we find" game, that's a totally different ballgame from you finding porn to fantasize about...more than likely you don't actually get off on midget amputees, so she wouldn't feel threatened by that. And people can be complicated creatures; what does and doesn't bother them is not always entirely predictable.

    Anyway, I'm not saying this is the case...just putting it out there as something that's possible.


    Also, porn isn't cheating. Fantasizing about women you see in real life daily while whacking it is closer to cheating that porn. Now, if you know your SO doesn't like you looking at porn, or has straight-up asked you not to...well, then looking at porn is disrespectful. And lying about it would certainly be dishonest. But it still isn't cheating.

    mcdermott on
  • Marblehead JohnsonMarblehead Johnson Registered User
    edited January 2007
    mcdermott wrote:
    In response to the "she never had a problem with it before" line of argument...it's possible she did. People do shit like that all the time in relationships; they find somebody who they like in almost every way, and figure the rest can change later. Or they pretend they like/don't mind something, under the assumption they can just bring it up later. Or pretend they're something they aren't. This can range from pretending to like Modest Mouse when really you can't stand them (relatively benign) to pretending to believe in the other person's religion (yes, I've seen it...it doesn't end well). I'd say the whole porn thing probably leans towards the latter end of the spectrum, unfortunately.
    That was back when I thought porn was gross. SHE was trying to change ME, SHE was trying to get me to come out of my shell. It makes no sense that she was trying to pretend to be someone else, when I was uncomfortable with what she was doing. I know you're not saying that's how it was, I am just clarifying... she's done loads of stuff that made me exceedingly uncomfortable, and I never said a word about it, because I knew she liked it.

    Marblehead Johnson on
    Magus` wrote: »
    It's human nature to derive meaning from that something that actually lacks it in order to suit your goals.

    Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
  • ElJeffeElJeffe Moderator, ClubPA mod
    edited January 2007
    I am just clarifying... she's done loads of stuff that made me exceedingly uncomfortable, and I never said a word about it, because I knew she liked it.

    You know, it's generally not that great for a member of a relationship to not bring up something that makes him "exceedingly uncomfortable". That way lies resentment.

    ElJeffe on
    Maddie: "I named my feet. The left one is flip and the right one is flop. Oh, and also I named my flip-flops."

    I make tweet.
  • LadyMLadyM Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    If you were uncomfortable with it then, maybe that's why she felt it was "safe" to show weird porn to you . . . "He's not like most men, he doesn't get off on porn, so it's okay to point and laugh at the midget amputees." Just a thought.

    Also, that really is completely different from looking at porn with the intention to get off on it. People on SE++ keep posting the blog of that guy who's into furry cub diaper-pooping and it's not because they're genuinely concerned with his ability to find a new "Daddy" and "Master" or worried about his transformation to "DarkColt." It's because it's easy and enjoyable to mock him.

    LadyM on
  • mcdermottmcdermott Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    Yeah, there are definitely two categories of porn; porn for entertainment, and porn for sexual arousal. What falls into which depends on the person, of course. Sounds like she was more or less okay with porn for entertainment...but feels incredibly threatened when you use it for sexual arousal.

    mcdermott on
  • Marblehead JohnsonMarblehead Johnson Registered User
    edited January 2007
    mcdermott wrote:
    Yeah, there are definitely two categories of porn; porn for entertainment, and porn for sexual arousal. What falls into which depends on the person, of course. Sounds like she was more or less okay with porn for entertainment...but feels incredibly threatened when you use it for sexual arousal.
    That is a good point, I suppose... know what I need? Amnesia dust.

    Marblehead Johnson on
    Magus` wrote: »
    It's human nature to derive meaning from that something that actually lacks it in order to suit your goals.

    Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
  • JohannenJohannen Registered User
    edited January 2007
    Porn is never wrong. Anyone who says otherwise is a heretic and a discrace to everything that makes men... men. :P

    More seriously though, if a woman has problems with you watching porn then maybe the problem lies more with the sex life of the couple than with the actual watching habits. Firstly in that you need to watch it to satisfy yourself, and secondly she might be thinking that you'd either be watching it than doing her, or that you're not doing her enough.

    Johannen on
  • FellhandFellhand Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    You shouldn't have to feel ashamed for looking at porn as long as it's all legit with the law. Especially within your own home. That is YOUR cave.

    She's not the boss of you.

    And as long as you're not sticking your dick in someone else while watching porn, it's not cheating.

    Fellhand on
  • MikeManMikeMan Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    Johannen wrote:
    Porn is never wrong. Anyone who says otherwise is a heretic and a discrace to everything that makes men... men. :P

    More seriously though, if a woman has problems with you watching porn then maybe the problem lies more with the sex life of the couple than with the actual watching habits. Firstly in that you need to watch it to satisfy yourself, and secondly she might be thinking that you'd either be watching it than doing her, or that you're not doing her enough.

    No no no no no no no.

    No.

    This is the kind of thinking lots of people unfamiliar with porn (they most likely are women, but some men too) assume using porn as a masturbatory tool means. I don't know about you, but when I'm in a relationship and having sex regularly my "quota" doesn't get "filled". I don't sit around most nights saying "Man, now that I have sex 4 times a week, those other nights I'm just so satisfied." I feel horny those nights too.

    Most male sex drives are like motors in different gears. When we are in a situation where we get a lot of sex, that merely makes us ramp up our libido into Sex Mode. Especially if the man is in his 20s or early 30s. We are horny bastards.

    A lot of women seem to assume that if a guy is masturbating, he automatically isn't getting satisfied enough. It therefore brings up all sorts of psychological issues regarding inferiority complexes and self-esteem issues. When the tool that the man uses to masturbate is porn, it further complicates matters, because for a variety of sociocultural/biological reasons that are too complex to discuss here, the percentage of women who grow up watching porn is laughably small compared to the percentage of men who do. This results in many women viewing porn with mistrust and suspicion.

    It might even have something to do with the nature of orgasms themselves. Perhaps because male orgasms tend to be different affairs than women's, it is easier for men to seek the orgasm without involving the emotional side of things every time. I know when I look at porn I'm not thinking "Man, this starlet is great. I wanna look her up and then go cheat with her and fuck 99 times a day." I'm usually just thinking something along the lines of how a worker bee thinks: <sex><penis_in_vagina><orgasm><boobs_boobs_boobs_those_are_nice_boobs>

    So many women have distorted views of what porn means to their significant other. They find it hard to imagine an orgasm without intense feelings of attatchment and contentment, and they feel jealous if their man has those feels about other women in pornos. In the majority of cases, however, the man is not, I'd wager, treating a porn orgasm as anywhere in the same league as one with his significant other whom he cares about, loves, and finds sexy.

    I'm gonna end this rant about here.

    I'd also like to say that there are always exceptions, and yes, many men use porn as escapeism and become addicted to masturbation and porn. Porn itself isn't inherently evil; people can and will misuse it, however. Also, many women view porn, and many women have different kinds of orgasms that they have in different situations, so my above statements are gross generalities.

    That said, in this case, I think they apply.

    My advice to you would be to talk with her. If you think giving up porn will be hard for you, because you like it a lot, have a long conversation with her in which you attempt to assure her you're not doing it because she's not satisfying you, you have no actual feelings for these girls, etc. Lots of women literally don't realize these things, and the culture of repression in these parts means many times things don't get talked about openly.

    Honesty and openness is the key. If she's going through your temp files that's a huge warning bell that something needs to be done, and soon.

    MikeMan on
    HOW DO YOU FUCK UP BAGELS. YOU BOIL THE WATER. PUT IN THE NOODLES
  • Marblehead JohnsonMarblehead Johnson Registered User
    edited January 2007
    She's been going through my temp files for something like five years now, I'm used to it. Warning bells tend to fade after that long...

    And I have explained to her, repeatedly, that I don't use it to "rub one out", and any sexual feelings I get while looking at these pictures are different than the feelings I get when she wears this tiny little schoolgirl skirt around the house (seriously, it's practically X rated. She CAN NOT wear it outside, or she'll get arrested). I love her, whereas I am merely attracted to the women in the pictures because, for some reason, I find really (REALLY) big boobs sexy. It's a niche interest, and one that she (and, really, almost any woman) can't really help me wish. I've liked it for a LONG time, almost five or six years before I even MET her. Yes, I used to look at it a lot more, and yes, I used to chat about it online (oddly enough, with guys who were fans like me, not women), and lately my interest has been waning to the point where I look a couple of times a week at the same sites, maybe 30 minutes put together, and that's enough for me. A 90% cutback in my porn-ish activities should be enough, given that I've put myself through college, gotten a good job, tripled my income, bought us a house and a car, and paid for everything reasonable that she asks for.

    But that's just me. Maybe I'm being unreasonable.

    Marblehead Johnson on
    Magus` wrote: »
    It's human nature to derive meaning from that something that actually lacks it in order to suit your goals.

    Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
  • PreacherPreacher Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    You seem to be approaching this situation from your perspective and seeing hers as completely crazy. Your last line there and the one preceding it screams of resentment (I did all this bitch and you can't let me look at my big titty porn).

    She doesn't want you to look at porn, you want to, one of these wants is going to have to win out.

    Preacher on
    I would like some money because these are artisanal nuggets of wisdom philistine.

    Http:// pleasepaypreacher.net
  • FellhandFellhand Registered User regular
    edited January 2007
    She's been going through my temp files for something like five years now, I'm used to it. Warning bells tend to fade after that long...

    And I have explained to her, repeatedly, that I don't use it to "rub one out", and any sexual feelings I get while looking at these pictures are different than the feelings I get when she wears this tiny little schoolgirl skirt around the house (seriously, it's practically X rated. She CAN NOT wear it outside, or she'll get arrested). I love her, whereas I am merely attracted to the women in the pictures because, for some reason, I find really (REALLY) big boobs sexy. It's a niche interest, and one that she (and, really, almost any woman) can't really help me wish. I've liked it for a LONG time, almost five or six years before I even MET her. Yes, I used to look at it a lot more, and yes, I used to chat about it online (oddly enough, with guys who were fans like me, not women), and lately my interest has been waning to the point where I look a couple of times a week at the same sites, maybe 30 minutes put together, and that's enough for me. A 90% cutback in my porn-ish activities should be enough, given that I've put myself through college, gotten a good job, tripled my income, bought us a house and a car, and paid for everything reasonable that she asks for.

    But that's just me. Maybe I'm being unreasonable.

    I would find it very very creepy if my girlfriend was going through my temp files. That's like spying on someone you're supposed to love and trust.

    Does she feel insecure about her position in your relationship? You say you tripled your income, are you the bread winner?

    Fellhand on
  • Marblehead JohnsonMarblehead Johnson Registered User
    edited January 2007
    I won't deny it, there is a lot of resentment, but mostly it happens when I'm typing about it, and I can't help but sounding angry. I have tried to look at it from her perspective... she's insecure that I look at women with different bodies than her? Well, I've dated women with different bodies than her, so why doesn't she feel insecure because of that? She thinks I need porn to get off? I don't, and I've told her this, repeatedly. She thinks I'm cheating on her? She was the one who briefly joined a Singles group in our area, after we were married.

    Yeah, I'm the breadwinner. When we got married she informed me she wasn't going to go back to work.

    Marblehead Johnson on
    Magus` wrote: »
    It's human nature to derive meaning from that something that actually lacks it in order to suit your goals.

    Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
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