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Girlfriend and Intimacy

SorryforthealtSorryforthealt Registered User new member
edited December 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
I've been going out with my girlfriend for almost 2 years.We met at the community college and transferred to the same University. It was a lucky coincidence as we were both going there.During this entire period we have yet to have sex and the past several months (7+) I've been having on going communication with her about this issue.

It actually started much earlier into the relationship but for the most part I was 'ok' with it mostly because we were both virgins and I was her first boyfriend so I figured I could wait for it as well. For myself, I never had a girlfriend either, mostly dated girls which the longest lasted 4 months but I did get handjobs/blowjobs and I reciprocated appropiately. Just the deed never happened with these girls, for reasons that are beyond the scope of this thread.

However, now I feel like she might not ever want to have sex with me, for reasons I have yet to understand because whenever I bring up the topic its mostly summed up by "I'm not ready yet" followed by "Don't pressure me". On a personal level I don't feel I'm pressuring her, nor that I'm forcing myself upon her but it has got me thinking that maybe its time to move on.

I hate sounding shallow or like a chauvanistic man-pig, but like I said, I just transferred to a University which has led to me going out a lot more and meeting women which has been tempting. I really just want to have sex, I thought I would once I got a girlfriend but it hasn't happened and I don't really want to keep masturbating for years to come waiting for her to be "ready". She hinted recently that she wants to wait till marriage or at least alluded to something similar, but I don't necessarily want to wait that long or even marry her at this point. I can't imagine her even suddenly wanting sex just because a piece paper says we're married, and I'm not going to marry her just to have sex with her either.

I think the worst part is that I've finally managed to get her to at least let me finger her the past couple of months (4+ or so). But once she finishes she's basically "done" and proceeds to kick me out leaving me hanging. I don't even know why she does this; she tells me I wouldn't understand. I told her I would if she talked to me but she refuses. This happens all the time, the most frequent was last night when once she finished down there I was out the door. I sort of hate it especially since it makes me feel unwanted, which I've told her.

During this winter break I went to visit some of my friends up north and they took me out and showed me a good time (I didn't cheat at any level), which makes me feel like I'm missing out on the sexual aspect of my youth. I've talked to her but I feel like its going nowhere and its started to bother me because I can definetely tell my feelings towards her, including my attitude, has greatly changed when I'm around her. I'm much more an asshole, which I hate.


I don't really know what else to talk to her about it. At this point our conversations sound like a broken record. Is it over? Should I just end it and seek other pastures? At the same time I feel like I shouldn't and I'm just some horny fuckwad that wants to get laid and will end the relationship because I'm thinking with my tool without taking into account her feelings. At the same time I feel I should just stick it out because this is as good as it'll get and I won't be able to get another girl anyways.

Sorryforthealt on
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Posts

  • DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    From your post it sounds like you are pretty unhappy in this relationship. Sex is a very important part of any relationship and it sounds like you two are incompatible in that regard. I think you should just dump her, she is being pretty selfish sexually and if you've been communicating about it for the past 7 months, I think it is time to move on. Plenty of fish and all that (I'm assuming you are in your early twenties).

    Demerdar on
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  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited December 2010
    Is there any reason you actually like her, or did you really just get a girlfriend to have sex?

    Because it sounds like she's been pretty honest to you about what she wants and whether she's willing to change her mind. If you just want to have sex and don't want to get married to her, and she wants to wait till she's married, you should in no way be dating this girl.

    Breaking up with her because you aren't sexually compatible doesn't necessarily make you a dick. Going out with her so you can hopefully have sex when she's made her desire to wait clear, and then continuing to ask her about it just in case kind of does.

    ceres on
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  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu PIGEON Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    She's being pretty horrible to you, it sounds like. Imagine if you kicked her out the door the second she was done blowing you, or something: you'd be the silliest of silly geese, to put it lightly. It sounds like she might have some hangup or something, but it's far past the point where she ought to have told you about this sort of thing. A refusal to talk about it with you is unconscionable and I would echo Demerdar's advice to move on.

    TychoCelchuuu on
  • MimMim I prefer my lovers… dead.Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I'd like to mesh everyone's comments into one if I could.

    If you're with her for the sex, that's not right and you should break up with her. She wants to wait till marriage and she's told you, in that regard she isn't selfish. However, she's using you to get off but then not reciprocating. You've tried bringing it up to her that you want to talk about why she does this but she refuses. On that alone, I'd dump her because she IS being selfish by doing that.

    If someone ever did that to me, they'd be on the short end of a hissy fit.

    Mim on
  • SorryforthealtSorryforthealt Registered User new member
    edited December 2010
    I didn't go out with her just because of sex. I really do enjoy her company and her.

    I was perfectly content masturbating up until several months ago. Mostly the wait until marriage thing was recent so I didn't really go into the relationship knowing that.

    And thats the reason I feel like a dick; like at this point I'm just waiting to see if it'll actually happen.

    Thanks for the tips.

    Yeah we're both in our early twenties.

    I guess I sort of know what needs to be done.

    Sorryforthealt on
  • GreasyKidsStuffGreasyKidsStuff MOMMM! ROAST BEEF WANTS TO KISS GIRLS ON THE TITTIES!Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Yeah, you aren't being selfish at all for wanting to have sex. That doesn't make you a horny fuckwad at all. Wanting to have sex is a completely normal part of a relationship. You've been dating two years, if she's showing no clear signs of wanting to do the deed before getting married and being this obtuse with you, I'd say end it.

    I don't get the idea that you only want a girlfriend for sex though. It's just a nice perk! I'm also going to assume you're in your early twenties, and say that you are wasting a potentially very bountiful time for those kind of endeavors.

    Break it off.

    GreasyKidsStuff on
  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) What's up, bootlickers?Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Good luck, duder. Sexual incompatibility is a perfectly fine reason for wanting an out in a relationship- it is a big part of one, after-all!

    Doobh on
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  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    There's a reason that for a lot of people "sex prior to marriage" or "sex prior to moving in together" is a serious requirement for a relationship. Why? Because those people value sex and sexual intimacy and want to make sure the person they're with is compatible.

    It's not that you're being a dick; it's that she's not talking to you. Saying "you wouldn't understand" doesn't help you understand. If she told you why she feels or acts like she does, well, you'd be able to make an educated decision. Because she's not talking to you about any of it, you're forced to make threads here. Technically we can't even say "talk to her about it" because you've already done that and she's basically said "I'm not going to talk about it."

    It's perfectly fine for her to not to want to have sex. It's not fair for either of you to continue a relationship if you're sexually incompatible, though. She should find a boyfriend who is comfortable with celibacy, and you should find a girlfriend who is more comfortable, nay, excited about sex.

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  • MrMonroeMrMonroe passed out on the floor nowRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    you want to find out if you're sexually compatible with someone, here's what you do:

    have sex with them

    which is something you're doing anyway, you're just not having vaginal intercourse

    it also sounds like it's terrible, and your partner is acting terribly selfishly. You're not being chauvinistic, you're reacting perfectly to someone treating you really poorly

    now, welcome to the Conjecture Corner:

    The "you wouldn't understand" thing sounds like she has a very serious hang up about her sexuality that she's embarrassed about. I don't think she's waiting until marriage, I think she's grasping at a believable excuse that will allow her to evade sex for as long as possible, and I think she's keeping you around because you're willing to put up with it.

    so here's what you can do:

    1) Just dump her already. There's nothing wrong with that.

    2) If you think my conjectural theory might be correct, suggest couples counseling in conjunction with individual therapy. If she's not talking to you, get her to talk to someone else. If she's not willing to do that, see option one.

    MrMonroe on
  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    It sounds like she's either immature, inexperienced sexually, or both. She could be immature in a lot of ways, and I don't mean that as a slight against her, could be immature sexually or romantically. Doesn't sound like she's doing it to torture your man bits, she doesn't know any better.

    I don't think anyone is at fault here, the best thing you can do is respect her choice and move on. Let her know that you're okay with her choice to wait, but that your needs right now are different.

    RocketSauce on
  • OnTheLastCastleOnTheLastCastle let's keep it haimish for the peripatetic Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I see this... general feeling... a lot in the Internet Dating thread over in D&D. The feeling being that wanting sex kind of cheapens you or is a shallow feeling. It isn't. We are all sexual creatures, and being physically attracted to your chosen partner is just as important as lining up mentally and emotionally. You have friends for your non-sexual relationships.

    People on the forums are by and large fairly nerdy, so that usually makes us a little more introspective, smarter, whatever... so it can be easy to get down on yourself with "Everything else besides the sex is fine, so maybe I should just deal!"

    No. No, you should not. I guarantee you will find someone where all three of those super important things line up and are great. She deserves that as well. What I want you to take away is the knowledge that YOU ARE NOT TRAPPED. And if you did decide to end it you would find someone new even if it took some time. Change is scary, we all get that.

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

    OnTheLastCastle on
  • AgesAges Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I'm not going to echo what everyone else is saying about sex, because there's not much else to say on the matter.

    I am in the camp of breaking up with her though. If you've been in a relationship with this girl for two years and you still don't see yourself either marrying or spending the rest of your life with her, then what's the point?

    But if you're going to break up with her and you've made your mind up, stick with that decision.

    Ages on
  • RikushixRikushix VancouverRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Just to clarify, she hasn't said specifically she wants to wait for marriage, am I correct? She has just said she's "still waiting" and told you not to pressure her?

    Rikushix on
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  • delphinusdelphinus Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Ceres got it in the second post.

    We know nothing about this girl and her personal views on sexuality, or the alts intentions for dating this girl.
    If you can, talk it out. If she can't trust you with personal and intimate feelings after 2 years of dating and communicating, then its a good chance it won't be coming out any time soon. Really talk to her about how you feel, how you had some awesome fun and you're left wondering if she wants to be in an intimate relationship or a friendship. If the both of you can't get on the same page, it could be the end of the line.

    delphinus on
  • RentRent I'm always right Fuckin' deal with itRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Wait she's making you get her off then kicking you out the door after?

    that's ridiculous and unbelievably selfish

    that's just...jesus dude, you need to break up with her like asap, that is not how people in a healthy relationship have sex, especially one that been going on for two years

    Rent on
  • Forbe!Forbe! Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Communication is key in any relationship. If she is refusing to communicate with you by saying "you wouldn't understand", then I think that is a red flag. She may have a very legitimate reason for not wanting to have sex, but if she doesn't want to discuss that with her partner of two years, then I think you ought to get out, especially if it has been going on for a while.

    Forbe! on
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  • RingoRingo He/Him a distinct lack of substanceRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    You need to ask yourself, "Where do I see this relationship going from here?"

    And then you need to ask her the same question and give both of you some time to think about it.

    Both your answers and hers might surprise you. Or they may just confirm what it looks like right now: Nowhere.

    Ringo on
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  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Is she religious or does she come from a very common style family where sex is seen as a sin and disgusting?

    The level of shame and anger that people carry with them over an upbringing in family with a sexually unhealthy viewpoint can be mild, or it can do some really really crazy things. After she has an orgasm she may feel like a filthy piece of garbage and be ashamed, when women orgasm all sorts of things can happen emotionally that men don't really "get".

    I knew a girl who would cry excessively as though he mother, father and dog had just died, it just happened. She was adult enough to figure out it was just something that happens and had a pretty healthy sex life for it, but she didn't have the baggage of someone who may have been abused or told sex was evil throughout childhood.

    So, the sex part isn't actually a big deal. It's the not talking to you about it, people come with all sorts of hang ups and you wont ever find someone who is completely without issue, but the adults of the world who want intimacy at least discuss it.

    She's staying distant for a reason, which is fair enough, but being unwilling to discuss the reason would cause me to rage after the second time it happened.

    Were I you I'd make a final plea to talk if you haven't already, and then tell her the relationship is over when it doesn't (I don't think it will) happen.

    The upshot is that you can go out and have fun with people, including ladies, without trying to "not cheat ever in any way" maybe meet someone you get along with and have at it. It's college sir, experience some shit while you're there because you will never have another chance like it.

    dispatch.o on
  • Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Rent wrote: »
    Wait she's making you get her off then kicking you out the door after?

    that's ridiculous and unbelievably selfish

    that's just...jesus dude, you need to break up with her like asap, that is not how people in a healthy relationship have sex, especially one that been going on for two years

    Look, to be fair, it sounds like she needs to be convinced to do this regardless. If she is pressured into doing that I can see why she isn't too keen to reciprocate afterwards. Really my advice would be if you do want to keep going out with her is stop doing this. If she asks for it straight out say that you want some attention either before or after.

    She says you wont understand, the key to a good relationship is understanding. If she wont talk to you about this then it's clear that you two have more problems than just the sex thing.

    In regards to the sex thing, if you want to have sex that's cool, but if she doesn't want to have sex, that's cool too, because you are different people and you need to look at moving on.

    Blake T on
  • Technicus RexTechnicus Rex All your base.Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Give her the OP written out in letter form prefaced by something like "You won't talk to me about it and I don't know who else to talk to so I put how I feel in written form" or something like that.

    Just a thought... you say she won't talk to you or open up to you about the issue but maybe if she reads that she will remember that you are a male human being who is of an age that sex is an appropriate activity and her freezing you out on the topic is not a mature was to behave in a relationship.

    Technicus Rex on
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  • CryogenCryogen Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I think you should break up with her due to your sexual incompatibility. There's nothing wrong with that. We're all entitled to want whatever we like out of our relationships.

    However, I suggest you think about the possibility that she may have a very valid reason and do not turn it into a situation where you're throwing around accusations. When I read the OP, the thought crossed my mind that she may have suffered sexual abuse at some point of her life. That's 100% speculation of course, but it isn't impossible.

    I still think you should break up with her, but do so in a non-accusing way. Keeping break-ups as simple as possible is good advice anyway.

    Cryogen on
  • agentk13agentk13 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited December 2010
    She sounds like the Leave Britney Alone girl. I don't think anyone wants a piece of that.

    agentk13 on
  • reddeathreddeath Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    My relationship with my first high school girlfriend was very similar to this. We dated, occasionally had non-intercourse, I always got left hanging. I felt like there was something wrong with me for always wanting it, and she'd consistently make me feel like a shit for bringing the sex (and lack of actual intercourse) up.

    I really enjoyed our time, but the intimacy just wasn't there like I wanted it, she had some real bad sexual hangups, and was very embarrassed about anything sexual (getting wet would put her in a tizzy of embarrassment about 50% of the time, and it was game over), finally, after like two years, she went off to college, I went to visit, and we had sex for the first time, it was consensual, but it was awful, all she did was cry about it the next day, despite the fact it was "technically" perfectly fine. We never did it again, and ended up splitting up about six months later.

    I wasted like 4 years of my life because I was too slow in picking up that the girl would never be down with sex like I wanted her to be. I wanted a sexual partner, she wanted someone who would endure a relationship without sexual intimacy. It sounds like you might be in for the same thing. I would dump her, find someone else, and not feel the least bit bad about it.

    It's especially jacked up she'll let you service her then give you the boot, that is just incorrect and a huge warning sign.

    reddeath on
  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Like you said, you already know what needs to be done.

    If I had to guess, I'd say she's waiting for 'the One'. I'm not a fan of the One mindset, my feeling is that there are in fact Many. The One just happens to be One of those Many. It's not wrong to wait for someone extra super special, not at all. Lots of people wait.

    Lots of people don't.

    Two years, given your age, is long enough. Long enough for anybody waiting to make the call on whether or not you're going to go the distance, long enough for anybody not waiting to get tired of waiting. In this case, circumstances (mutual virginity, lack of experience, etc) have delayed the inevitable conclusion for a bit longer than is usually required. That delay isn't really a sign that things are secretly working out, it is what it is- a delay.

    It's easy to think that because you've been seeing each other for some time that the relationship is good. It means nothing. It just means that the natural progression of things took its sweet, sweet time. And that's okay too. Things were learned. Experience gained. And the next time out, things will go differently. Not necessarily where you want them to go, but differently nonetheless.

    Most of the issues in play have been covered beautifully already by others, and it seems a course has been set. So my advice is for after.

    Don't sleep with this girl.

    Two years is a long time, and although you may not be intentionally putting on pressure to have sex, that is the issue in play, and that pressure is going to exist. Because it is a serious life change, values can be compromised, and she may offer herself up even though she isn't ready. Be the bigger man and don't take her up on it. If you go down that road, it's not going to work out. She'll feel is though she's given up something, you'll feel as if you've taken something, and it will be awkward as hell forever after. Nobody wins.

    Keep as much as you can from your experience, including values and respect, intact while you move forward. It's a harder path, but it'll pay off in the end, for both of you.

    Sarcastro on
  • RynaRyna Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    "So.. uh hey.. why don't you help me out sex-wise?"

    I would actually force the issue.. of course, to an extent

    Ryna on
  • HefflingHeffling No Pic EverRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    If I were in your shoes, I would ask her to sit down and discuss the issue and help you understand her position. If it's simply a matter of waiting until marraige, then you both need to ask yourselves if your opposite is someone you want to marry. If, after two years, the answer is no, then it's probably time to break off the relationship work on being friends instead.

    However, I strongly suspect she was abused, based on the vibe I'm getting here. That's certainly a good reason for "you wouldn't understand" type of responses, because you will not. In this case, you need to help her work through the issue, and I think you're on the right track with your non-intercourse activities.

    Heffling on
  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Heffling wrote: »
    If I were in your shoes, I would ask her to sit down and discuss the issue and help you understand her position. If it's simply a matter of waiting until marraige, then you both need to ask yourselves if your opposite is someone you want to marry. If, after two years, the answer is no, then it's probably time to break off the relationship work on being friends instead.

    However, I strongly suspect she was abused, based on the vibe I'm getting here. That's certainly a good reason for "you wouldn't understand" type of responses, because you will not. In this case, you need to help her work through the issue, and I think you're on the right track with your non-intercourse activities.

    You're under no moral contract to help her through anything, you're not her therapist. Do not try and be her therapist. Suggesting she find one that specializes in these things if she's willing to talk to you about it is all you should do.

    Everyone in this world is flawed or broken, it doesn't make you less a good person if her flaws or issues are a deal breaker for you.

    dispatch.o on
  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    If I was in my 20s (which I am), in a relationship for 2 years....and not having sex, I probably wouldn't stay in the relationship for too long. This woman sounds like she has a lot of sexual hang ups, and if not addressed, can be poison (as you probably know) to an otherwise good relationship. Sex is very important, and while I respect those who wait until marriage, you just don't know if you're going to be sexually compatible if you don't sleep with them beforehand. You might find out that after she gets her jollies, she kicks you out and you get nothing, just like what happened in the OP.

    Don't be ashamed about sex being a deal breaker. It's perfectly fine. She may feel cruddy about it, but she made you feel like shit by not taking about her problems, and kicking you out after getting her off. Not communicating is way worse than dumping someone over incompatibility.

    AlyceInWonderland on
  • MrMonroeMrMonroe passed out on the floor nowRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Consistently crying after sex is not "pretty healthy," nor is shutting everything down the moment you have an orgasm. Someone who does these things is not just "different," they've got psychological problems that are causing them to either a) engage in sexual behavior they are not emotionally ready for or are not actually sexually attracted to or b) they're having a negative reaction to sex they actually want. Both are self-destructive behaviors.

    And yeah, Heffling said what I was thinking. Having been involved with someone who acted exactly like this who later revealed to me that she had been sexually abused as a child, yes, this whole thing stinks to high heaven of repressed memories of abuse.

    MrMonroe on
  • SorryforthealtSorryforthealt Registered User new member
    edited December 2010
    I never actually considered sexual abuse or any type of abuse to be frank. I fee like a massive dick if that turns out to be the case.

    Either way I won't be able to see her until after the 25th.

    And sometimes I initiated the fooling around or she would. It would be very subtle. I can't really explain it but body language implied it a bit when we would be chilling outside her place. But the outcome turned out the same though; se would get off and then kick me out soon after.

    Oh and since it was mentioned she is not religious at all. Were both athiests actually. She is a single child raised by her mom, her dad was not the greatest.

    Sorryforthealt on
  • AmiguAmigu Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Man. If you're making her come she has to do so in return it's just how it is. I mean I'm sure if she were at least happy to pleasure you then the lack of sex wouldn't be as big an issue because at least you're getting some satisfaction but what she's doing is just cruel. How the hell did you put up with this for 2 years?

    Amigu on
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  • DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I never actually considered sexual abuse or any type of abuse to be frank. I fee like a massive dick if that turns out to be the case.

    Either way I won't be able to see her until after the 25th.

    And sometimes I initiated the fooling around or she would. It would be very subtle. I can't really explain it but body language implied it a bit when we would be chilling outside her place. But the outcome turned out the same though; se would get off and then kick me out soon after.

    Oh and since it was mentioned she is not religious at all. Were both athiests actually. She is a single child raised by her mom, her dad was not the greatest.

    Don't feel that you need to save her..

    Demerdar on
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  • MrMonroeMrMonroe passed out on the floor nowRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I never actually considered sexual abuse or any type of abuse to be frank. I fee like a massive dick if that turns out to be the case.....

    Oh and since it was mentioned she is not religious at all. Were both athiests actually. She is a single child raised by her mom, her dad was not the greatest.

    uh, yeah

    I smell sexual abuse

    you should still not feel like a dick; she's been pushing you away and refusing to talk to you about it

    you've got to either force the issue and get her to start talking or bail. Those are still your options.

    MrMonroe on
  • RikushixRikushix VancouverRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    MrMonroe wrote: »
    I never actually considered sexual abuse or any type of abuse to be frank. I fee like a massive dick if that turns out to be the case.....

    Oh and since it was mentioned she is not religious at all. Were both athiests actually. She is a single child raised by her mom, her dad was not the greatest.

    uh, yeah

    I smell sexual abuse

    you should still not feel like a dick; she's been pushing you away and refusing to talk to you about it

    you've got to either force the issue and get her to start talking or bail. Those are still your options.

    Well I don't think we can just leap to conclusions about what the reason is - even though (as someone who is dating a survivor of sexual assault) I suspect there's a likelihood of trauma being involved here (the "you wouldn't understand" thing just screams alarm bells), that's not really the point of this thread. We don't want Ceres coming in here and smashing our heads together.

    What is important is that the OP talks to his girlfriend and works things out with her, and if not her, then himself: trauma or no he has a right to be in a relationship that he enjoys and gets satisfaction out of, and not only that, but he does not need to feel the obligation to fix his girlfriend into enjoying sex, or getting past whatever issues or hang-ups prevent her from enjoying sex.

    Rikushix on
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  • Kobi Kobi KooKobi Kobi Koo __BANNED USERS regular
    edited December 2010
    Life is short. Youth is shorter.

    2 years is enough, do not hesitate to break up and move on.

    Kobi Kobi Koo on
  • MrMonroeMrMonroe passed out on the floor nowRegistered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Riku is absolutely right.

    MrMonroe on
  • KidDynamiteKidDynamite Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    Sarcastro nailed it.

    Also, don't feel bad. Unless the world changed overnight, we can't read minds. You are open an willing to talk about it, but she won't even make an effort in talking.

    I'm usually not one to advocate this, but cut and run (politely of course). If she is acting like this over not doing it, then doing it won't help one bit.

    Plus she is being incredibly selfish, and I don't like that one bit. A relationship is two people working together.

    KidDynamite on
  • MonkeighyMonkeighy Registered User regular
    edited December 2010
    I think you need to sit down with her and bring it up one last time. But this time instead of the conversation being "I want to have sex" it needs to be "this isn't working".

    As others have said sexual compatibility is a big part of a relationship. If you want sex and she doesn't then you aren't compatible. There may be deep seated reasons why she is like this about sex whether that is previous abuse or bad experiences or whatever. What you need to remember is that it isn't up to you to fix her. If she has serious hangups which are going to prevent you from ever having a normal sexual relationship then you need to end things. Unless you are happy to continue indefinitely with things as they are, which you clearly aren't.
    I never actually considered sexual abuse or any type of abuse to be frank. I fee like a massive dick if that turns out to be the case.

    You have no reason to feel like a dick, or feel guilty at all. From what you have said you have been unbelievably caring and patient with this girl. You have taken things slow for 2 years which is a lot longer than most people would wait. Whatever her issues about sex are, they are her issues not yours.

    Have a talk with her and make it clear that this is a deal breaker for you and that things may well be over if nothing changes. If she still isn't even willing to discuss it properly then it is safe to say she never will.

    Monkeighy on
  • AdamBombAdamBomb regular
    edited December 2010
    Yeah, Monkeighy nailed it, to be honest.

    She isn't your responsibility to fix, and judging by her behaviour, she doesn't even want you to, nor believe you can.

    Let it go.

    AdamBomb on
    I'll be back for breakfast.
  • Kobi Kobi KooKobi Kobi Koo __BANNED USERS regular
    edited December 2010
    Everybody nailed it. Christ.

    Next time, think VERY carefully before getting into a relationship with a girl that will never, ever, have sex with you.

    And Monkeighy, it's deep seeded, not deep seated. Jesus.

    Kobi Kobi Koo on
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