The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Girl Problems
AndrewR
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Here's the situation, I've just finished my first term at uni and I've meet a girl who I truely am in love with, however she already has a longterm (3 years) boyfriend. I'm really not a ladies man, I haven't really ever had a proper girlfriend so I'm not really sure how to proceed. You see shes also my best friend at uni now and I'm living with her next year so I really don't want to screw up the friendship. However I think she has at least vague feelings for me, after nights out we always end up in my bed, platonically its bloody cold but still, hug alot, go out just her and me a fair bit etc etc. But shes a very shy person, doesn't like talking to strangers, has actually backed away from rooms filled with people she doesn't know (in a very cute way). I should however point out that shes's not shy around people she knows and in general has a lot of guy friends so I'm not sure about the feelings for me thing. I'm not entirely sure if she knows about my feelings for her, as while she is pretty oblivious to that sort of thing I'm not that subtle and half of our friend group noticed I had feelings for her pretty damn quickly.
So what do I do, make a move and risk it all, bide my time and hope the long distance relationship thing fails or another option I haven't thought of?
thanks.
So what do I do, make a move and risk it all, bide my time and hope the long distance relationship thing fails or another option I haven't thought of?
thanks.
AndrewR on
0
Posts
She has a long term boyfriend. I say move on, date other girls, and if she frees up pursue it then, but don't wait for her, and don't ask her out while she has a boyfriend.
Is she the only girl showing you any affection? That may be why you have feelings for her.
Oh, and the bed thing etc.? You're probably just the "daily care" replacement for her BF, supplying daily affection. You're actually helping their relationship via this.
Make her your wingwoman and meet other girls.
Though i imagine if her BF finds out she's snuggling in other dude's beds, their relationship isn't long for this world.
Ultimately, what she does with her relationship is not your concern. If she decides she'd rather be with you, or just considers you a friend and is really serious with this guy, that's 100% her decision to make, but the onus is on you not to become guilty of coercion. Think of it this way: if you were the boyfriend in this situation, what sort of behavior would you be okay with if another guy showed interest in your girlfriend of three years?
I'm not trying to sound harsh here, but a friend of mine was in a similar situation. She found out the guy she thought was one of her closest friends was actually in love with her for years, and he told her the night she announced her engagement that he'd been hoping she'd break up with her boyfriend for two years now. She was incredibly hurt, and said it had cheapened all the time they'd spent together because it seemed like he was basically grooming her to be his and trying to steer their relationship towards his own agenda, and completely cut him out of her life.
Also, I don't know the state of her relationship with her boyfriend, but don't cross your fingers and hope/assume it's going to fall through because it's long distance. My husband and I had a long distance relationship (America-Canada) for five years before we got married. (Been married three years now.)
You don't have a girl problem. You have a you problem. It's the same problem a lot of people have when they have low self-esteem and low self-confidence. You see someone being nice to you, even exceptionally nice, and you start ascribing motivations to it that just aren't there. It seems like you and this girl are good friends, but from everything you wrote that is all that you are. But because you don't have any other prospects, and little experience with other women, you have started idealizing the situation and reading much more into it. She has a long term boyfriend, and nothing you've written gives any indication that their relationship is rocky or in trouble. While she might be using you a bit as a surrogate boyfriend that doesn't really mean anything either. If she is it's only because she feels you are safe, and if you are safe then that means she likely doesn't view you romantically at all.
Your best bet is to move on. Stay friends, but seek out other opportunities. Don't spend your days pining, don't became passive-aggressive with her, just try to think logically about your feelings.
Ask her out and risk ruining the friendship somewhat or decide to completely get over it and move on.
Both of these are much better in the long run than waiting to see what's going to happen in her relationship. Uni is a great period of your life, believe me you don't want to waste it pining after this one girl who occasionally cuddles up to you on nights out.
These two pieces of information tell me you are probably infatuated with her, which is cool. It's an awesome feeling, very intense, and leads guys to do very stupid things.
Put yourself in her boyfriend's place. Would you want some awkward guy who's never had a proper girlfriend snuggling in bed with her, making obvious advances toward her, and his feelings are so obvious half her friends have picked up on it. Oh, and you guys are living together next year.
But you're in love with her? Men and women have totally different ways of signaling interest, and a lot of times people confuse them. Right now you're being the sneaky guy who secretly has feelings for someone, and doesn't care if she's taken or not. Living with her while you are "in love" with her is a stupendously terrible idea, and is a form of lying to her. If you really love this girl, don't move in with her to steal her from her boyfriend.
If she seeks you out and asks about your actions, then tell her the truth as clearly as you possibly can. "As I've gotten to know you, I find myself romantically interested, and therefore cannot maintain the friendship in its previous capacity. Out of respect, I have to move on. If this does not work for you, then you may ask me out after breaking up with your boyfriend."
Either ask her out, or don't. If you don't ask her out, don't pine after her and make her think you're a platonic friend when you're not. It's dishonest and disrespectful. You are manipulating a girl in a relationship into believing that you are someone that you're not.
If a girl is lying in your bed with you, she deserves to fucking know that your feelings are more than platonic.
Edit: If my words seem harsh, it's because 5 years ago, I was you. Your story is exactly what I used to do to girls who thought I was friends with them, and it sickens me to think about now. Stop it. Seriously, don't do it.
This. Oh god, a thousand times this.
Infatuation creates feelings and connections that don't actually exist. You just want them to exist so badly that that your brain creates them out of glimmering threads and nothingness. In essence, you're tripping balls on your own hormones and suffering from emotional hallucinations. Happens all the time.
Cut that shit out man. Cold turkey if you have to. You won't, because your neurological swamp juice is making you retarded in this matter, but you should. You really, really should.
"Hey Sisyphus, you know that boulder is just gonna come rolling back down, right?"
"Hey fuck you man, this time is gonna be different. I have a system."
"Uhhh... All right then bro, keep on rockin'. "
OP, it may help to know that this is like a rite of passage for every nerd boy in the entire galaxy. You are probably heading for some heartbreak, but then you can join us in our pantheon and we'll have a good chuckle over it in a year or two.
I don't think we can talk you out of it, and honestly, I don't even know if anyone should be talked out of it. Just go ahead and ask her and be respectful if she says no. Say "Alright, cool.", smile and walk away. Do not get upset around her or argue. Don't keep being a pseudo-boyfriend wishing it was the real thing. That isn't helpful to you, her or her boyfriend.
OK, i've been in her shoes before and done the exact same thing to people in dorms, because I loved spooning in college and would gleefully ignore the other person's sexual tension to get it. She's in a long distance relationship, which means she is physically lonely, and you are both safe and close at hand. I guarantee you she doesn't have any feelings for you because something would have happened already. I can also (almost) guarantee you that she knows you have a crush and are too schlubby to speak up about it. She knows this, and is taking advantage of it to get some free spooning. You are a living, breathing body pillow. She's not evil or anything. She probably likes you as a friend, but it's easy to get what you want out of people when people make it really easy.
If you want her to like you, the answer isn't to make a move now or circle like a vulture. Your best bet is to establish some boundaries and self-respect, treat her as a friend, but limit it to friendship. Once she feels like she can't take you for granted she may, or may not, think of you differently if she breaks up with her boyfriend. As it stands she knows she can have you - what's the fun in that? On the other hand, if you realize what's going on but like spooning enough where it is worthwhile to you, keep up the current arrangement - just don't expect to get anywhere with her.
I would highly recommend NOT moving in with this girl next year. But if you must, let her know about your feelings ASAP so she can make the decision whether or not to room with someone who has feelings for her.
I completely second this. I've been in this situation in the past and your situation looks like a classic case. She acts as she does towards you because she has no feelings beyond friendship for you. She views you as safe because she isn't attracted to you in that way. That is why she is happy to jump into your bed when it's cold.
If you haven't had a proper girlfriend then it can be very difficult to read the signs correctly which is what leads to situations like this. It also makes you prone to idealising and obsessing over women who show you affection.
You have two choices. You can either try and forget about your feelings and stay friends, or you can tell her about them.
If you tell her then the best you are likely to get is that she is understanding about it. The worst is that she freaks out which ends your friendship and screws up your living arrangements for next year.
I know the urge to tell her is really strong, but I would really advise you not to. Be friends with her, but don't obsess over her. Look for someone else. Once you meet someone else who really is into you then you will see the difference straight away.
I was going to say exactly this. If she has feelings for you, she would have broken up with her boyfriend (whom she's been with for 3 years, mind you, not 3 months), and gotten with you.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
You should respect her boundaries and not force her to cheat, of course, but just because she has a boyfriend doesn't mean you can't ask her out.
But you need to ask her out and force the issue if you want to have a relationship with her. You need to say essentially "I have a great time with you, I dig you a lot, so you should dump your boyfriend and go with me instead." Right now you're apparently in love with a girl that you aren't even dating, who you cuddle with and nothing else. If you don't do something, you will remain a cuddler until she gets bored and dumps her boyfriend for someone else entirely, with you sitting in your bed thinking "why didn't she go out with me, we've been cuddling together for months, a bloo bloo."
So that's what you have to do if you want to attempt an intimate, more-than-friends relationship with this girl -- tell her how you feel and suggest she dump her boyfriend.
If you won't do that, then you should follow everyone else's advice here and forget about her as a romantic interest. Go fall in love with another girl who won't string you along.
So for all those nay sayers, it's really not impossible that she's interested. However I feel like the ball's in her court and you really shouldn't do much except continue being a good friend, especially if you're living with her next year. If she really likes you, she'll come around. In the meantime though, don't save yourself.
If you're going to say something (which I suggest you don't and have some respect for her and her boyfriend) this is absolutely not the way to say it. Not even remotely close.
Does she give you any indications when you spend time together that she's interested in you?
Haha, oh dear.
OP, you're kinda up shit creek here. Living with her might not be that much fun for you!
https://medium.com/@alascii
I'm going to suggest... wow, I really can't think of anything.
The easiest way is for him just to tell her how he feels and she'll feel awkward enough to nix the idea herself.
Actually, I'm going to second Eggy's advice if only because it will immediately make it clear that she's not interested in him and he can get on with his life and (hopefully) learn not to obsess over a particular woman he's never even asked out as a placebo for his fear of asking other women out.
Stop obsessing over this lady and learn to date. Dating different people is (for most of us and especially for someone like you) an important experience to learn not only more about how relationships actually work, but also to learn about yourself and what you actually want and need in a healthy relationship
I was one of those guys when I was younger Andrew. You need to stop being that idealistic guy that thinks he's found that special lady that will save him from his awkwardness if he could only make her understand how right he is for her. Moving in with her is a bad idea, dating her is a bad idea. What you need is to ask out some women that you're interested in but not obsessing over, aren't already in a relationship (that you know of), and that won't crush your ego when and if they say no. Because that's also a critical part of the dating process. Learning to walk it off and move on when a woman turns you down. There are always more fish out there and the concept of your perfect mate is utter nonsense. Of course that doesn't mean that some women won't be more compatible with you than others, it just means you're not going to ruin your "one chance" because there isn't the perfect one out there for you.
So just get out there and date like almost everyone else does, or keep down this path and be lonely and awkward and probably eventually become increasingly bitter.
If there was some way to... like... double lime this, I would. This thread is over, son.
Unless you look forward to the sound of her long term boyfriend railing her all night and then seeing him the next morning at your kitchen table. In that case, go right ahead.
THIS COULDN'T BE MORE TRUE
You're in uni for the love of Pete, and I know it is lame, but there are a bunch of girls out there who will want to be with you. Go out and fine them!
I know this sounds trite, and maybe it is, but do it anyway
Oh god, Dru couldn't have said this any better
This. This right here. Move on, date other girls. I don't just mean think about dating other girls to convince yourself that you are no longer pining for this one, I mean actually go out on dates. Good dates, bad dates, great dates, just give yourself some experience with what love and infatuation actually are.
You probably won't listen to this advice. That's ok, though. I didn't listen to my friends when I was in your situation a couple of years ago. You'll survive it and become a better person because of it. Just make sure to delete all of those Dashboard Confessional MP3's when you're over the heartbreak.
Marry me
to the OP, nut up or move on, those are your only 2 options at this point
Uh-oh I accidentally deleted my signature. Uh-oh!!
There you go
Moving in with her without resolving your feelings with her is just frankly insulting to her. You are trying to trick into having feeling for her.
You need to either shit or get off the pot son.
Satans..... hints.....
This isn't right. You know why?
Because I just did this.
I put my romantic feelings aside because I decided I wanted her in my life as a friend if I couldn't have her as my partner. As an adult, I made the adult decision to control my feelings and do what I felt was best. Your heart is not an unstoppable bulldozer, it doesn't need to dictate all of your decisions. You can have a healthy friendship with this woman if you so choose, provided you can put aside your feelings.