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Suicide, is my life worth fixing?
johns_anon_account
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I admit, this is a cry for help. Help in the area of advice. For any those of you who read this I am thankful, and I care about you for it. I've posted here before and I am grateful for the help before.
This is a dummy account, I'm keeping my forum identity out of the subject. Thanks for understanding.
I have a very odd life. A short history:
I am 17, 18 this feb 13th. Though the help of a friend I suddenly realised I'm a horrible person, and need to change.
At my old school, I was relatively normal, liked video games, played varsity football and was generally a bit antisocial, but had good friends. Here's the little history.
-Had uneventful childhood
-Had uneventful high school life until Junior year.
- Moved from a big school to a remote island. Made wonderful friends. This was my own doing, and I lived on my own for 6 months. I mad many mistakes, hurt people and for example, I was a fuck buddy to a girl I hated (and lost my virginity to, first kiss etc) just so I could have a roof to sleep under for 2 months. I have many regrets and it haunts me.
- Life changed dramatically, and for a while I was a good person. I fell in love with a stellar girl, but my bad side drove her away and I spent the next months until this date still in love with her. I'm still a bit crushed with a kind of pain I've only read about in the movies.
- Recently I've been unkind, ungraceful, critical, and downright a bad person to be a friend of.
- Today (Thursday the first). Realised I'm a fuck up, and need to change. I was living in compete ignorance before, and had no idea I was so terrible. I have options but I don't know what they are and what to do. I want to make it all right but feel its too late. Suicide looks good but I know that's a cowards way out. I don't want to be remembered as that dick who tried to fit in.
I have problems and I'll identify them as such.
-I have no grace, I think I may be able to work on this one
-I constantly talk about how bad my life is
-I am in a new community that's very small and close knit, I tell the same stories over and over because I have nothing to relate to.
-I fell in love with a girl who I should not have, as logical as I try to be about it, I 'imprinted' her and her life as an area of comfort to me amongst a world of chaos. I can't seem to shake this hope that we will work it out, but its crystal clear it will never happen. My mind wants to ignore the truth.
-I am very critical of myself, and think I'm a horribly ugly person even though apparently I'm just fine. I don't believe it.
-I'm not normally this depressed, but I think explaining all this may be therapeutic.
-I'm loud
- I THINK TOO MUCH, it is an issue I've had my whole life, I'm classified as unusually intelligent, but I see it as a curse. I have insomnia for this reason.
-I have dependency issues
-I practice too much empathy
-I don't listen
-I'm a pushover to do something nice
-All I want in a relationship is to make all the pain of the other person to go away, and this is an unrealistic goal.
-I love all my friends very much, more than I can explain, but it comes out in criticism and awkwardness.
I have also accomplished things.
-I started my own Auto Detail business, and allowed me to live on my own for months.
-I apparently am a gifted writer and technically should be my ticket to college, I however doubt this. This post is quite sad in terms of writing quality, but I don't think I have a lot of time before I hit another spell of depression that's very hard.
-I'm a very hard worker.
-I attempt to be an artist, mostly drawing my dreams which are typically vivid and resemble an acid trip.
Anyway, on with the show.
So today, I confronted my ex on the first (today) to see if we wanted to make it work, It was a mutual date we picked. She turned me down as I expected, but left me with some things to think about. Remember when you found out Santa wasn't real, and your world suddenly looked completely different. Right now is like the 'reel change' they talk about in Fight Club, I had no idea I was so bad until someone was honest to tell me. No this is not my self loathing response to rejection. It is me waking up, and being confused on what to do.
Here I am. Dizzy and ready to vomit with confusion and self hate. I want to be the good kind person I truly am, but I just CANT. Somehow my true nature is not allowing me to.
Here is my question: How can I fix this? Or is it worth it at all?
I'm just naturally inclined to be a meanish person, but I still have friends who like me. I can't figure out why. By all accounts those who like me should hate me.
Suicide is a escape, and it looks pretty decent. A quick ease to the pain.
Starting over when I go to college is the more realistic route, but I miss my friends and I want to go back to the way I was, a good person!! I want to end my senior year being remembered as a good kind person who loved all. This outlook is bleak.
Please help me HA. I have no idea what to do. I appreciate any feedback or advice.
-John
This is a dummy account, I'm keeping my forum identity out of the subject. Thanks for understanding.
I have a very odd life. A short history:
I am 17, 18 this feb 13th. Though the help of a friend I suddenly realised I'm a horrible person, and need to change.
At my old school, I was relatively normal, liked video games, played varsity football and was generally a bit antisocial, but had good friends. Here's the little history.
-Had uneventful childhood
-Had uneventful high school life until Junior year.
- Moved from a big school to a remote island. Made wonderful friends. This was my own doing, and I lived on my own for 6 months. I mad many mistakes, hurt people and for example, I was a fuck buddy to a girl I hated (and lost my virginity to, first kiss etc) just so I could have a roof to sleep under for 2 months. I have many regrets and it haunts me.
- Life changed dramatically, and for a while I was a good person. I fell in love with a stellar girl, but my bad side drove her away and I spent the next months until this date still in love with her. I'm still a bit crushed with a kind of pain I've only read about in the movies.
- Recently I've been unkind, ungraceful, critical, and downright a bad person to be a friend of.
- Today (Thursday the first). Realised I'm a fuck up, and need to change. I was living in compete ignorance before, and had no idea I was so terrible. I have options but I don't know what they are and what to do. I want to make it all right but feel its too late. Suicide looks good but I know that's a cowards way out. I don't want to be remembered as that dick who tried to fit in.
I have problems and I'll identify them as such.
-I have no grace, I think I may be able to work on this one
-I constantly talk about how bad my life is
-I am in a new community that's very small and close knit, I tell the same stories over and over because I have nothing to relate to.
-I fell in love with a girl who I should not have, as logical as I try to be about it, I 'imprinted' her and her life as an area of comfort to me amongst a world of chaos. I can't seem to shake this hope that we will work it out, but its crystal clear it will never happen. My mind wants to ignore the truth.
-I am very critical of myself, and think I'm a horribly ugly person even though apparently I'm just fine. I don't believe it.
-I'm not normally this depressed, but I think explaining all this may be therapeutic.
-I'm loud
- I THINK TOO MUCH, it is an issue I've had my whole life, I'm classified as unusually intelligent, but I see it as a curse. I have insomnia for this reason.
-I have dependency issues
-I practice too much empathy
-I don't listen
-I'm a pushover to do something nice
-All I want in a relationship is to make all the pain of the other person to go away, and this is an unrealistic goal.
-I love all my friends very much, more than I can explain, but it comes out in criticism and awkwardness.
I have also accomplished things.
-I started my own Auto Detail business, and allowed me to live on my own for months.
-I apparently am a gifted writer and technically should be my ticket to college, I however doubt this. This post is quite sad in terms of writing quality, but I don't think I have a lot of time before I hit another spell of depression that's very hard.
-I'm a very hard worker.
-I attempt to be an artist, mostly drawing my dreams which are typically vivid and resemble an acid trip.
Anyway, on with the show.
So today, I confronted my ex on the first (today) to see if we wanted to make it work, It was a mutual date we picked. She turned me down as I expected, but left me with some things to think about. Remember when you found out Santa wasn't real, and your world suddenly looked completely different. Right now is like the 'reel change' they talk about in Fight Club, I had no idea I was so bad until someone was honest to tell me. No this is not my self loathing response to rejection. It is me waking up, and being confused on what to do.
Here I am. Dizzy and ready to vomit with confusion and self hate. I want to be the good kind person I truly am, but I just CANT. Somehow my true nature is not allowing me to.
Here is my question: How can I fix this? Or is it worth it at all?
I'm just naturally inclined to be a meanish person, but I still have friends who like me. I can't figure out why. By all accounts those who like me should hate me.
Suicide is a escape, and it looks pretty decent. A quick ease to the pain.
Starting over when I go to college is the more realistic route, but I miss my friends and I want to go back to the way I was, a good person!! I want to end my senior year being remembered as a good kind person who loved all. This outlook is bleak.
Please help me HA. I have no idea what to do. I appreciate any feedback or advice.
-John
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I mean I hope Im not sounding too bitchy here, but in non more simple terms you need to put some fucking effort in and try to be a nice person/make friends/do something with oyur life.
That, or therapy?
You can't post on these forums anymore!
lol nub!
Life can really perk up. The fact you realize you have flaws is a great start to turn over a new leaf. It's DEFINITELY WORTH FIXING YOUR LIFE!
There are a ton of jerks in the world, and it needs more good people like you. The fact you realize you have some (major?) character flaws is a great start. I can't stress this enough.
Again, I would seriously go get some therapy.. go to a psychiatrist. No one has to know about it. Just tell them what's on your mind.. talking about things really does help ease the pain. A lot of what you've said (falling in love for bad reasons) is normal stuff dude, it doesn't make you a bad person. We all have our weak moments..use it to make yourself stronger!
You may be emotionally unstable. It looks like you've had a pretty rough life so far..it's nothing to be frowned upon.
This is the root of your problem. You think, and you feel far too much. And those are not bad things in any way. There are negative aspects to every gift, and you've found the difficulties in your personal hurdles.
But you are not alone by any means. I know how you feel. I've felt the same way before and for very similar reasons. What I've found is that there are hundreds of cookie-cutter answers to your question about suicide. I'm not going to just tell you that you'll grow out of it. It is partly caused by your age, but you still have full control over your life. No matter what we attribute this to, you can still ultimately decide in the right state of mind or not. You will get past this stage in your life, but not without making a change. And the easiest change to make is in your mind. It all just needs to click. You need to have just the right thought, the one that changes your whole perspective on life. And the only way to get there, is to use that gift of yours. You're a thinker. Think about what you're really considering. Think about how much different your life could be, if you just changed ONE tiny thing in the past. Now make a change like that today. See where it brings you.
It sounds to me that you don't know who you are, and even then, you don't appreciate who you are. If you know you have personality issues that hurt others and drive them away, then you have the ability to change it. You know all of the things that make you miserable. You know, so you can change.
It is the people who don't know who are in trouble.
Step back for a minute and stop analyzing yourself. Find a focus in your life...something you can control, and grab onto that. Be it work or a hobby. Control it, and dominate it. If in the end you're feeling more positive feelings than negative, keep going. Positive feelings snowball just as well as negative, and you need a "runner's high" from something in your life right now to get the ball rolling. Suddenly things will fall into place. But you need to take a step back and see the big picture before you can work on the details.
Yeah man, please understand how young you are. You aren't even old enough to go out to bars yet. Suicide is absolutely moronic at this point, do NOT do it. Just think about whatever there is in life that gives you pleasure and dive into it. YOU ARE SO DAMN YOUNG you have NO idea what life has to offer and trust me life is tough but it is SO worth living. Just be a good person and surround yourself with good people and everything will work out.
Without the bitter, the sweet ain't as sweet.
If you were to spend hours and hours thinking of reasons to push through and stay focused, you might not find a whole lot to be determined about. Existence can be downright shitty. That is an understatement.
The problem with the future is that there is nothing to know for sure. Since you sound like me, you probably hate not knowing/not being completely sure of anything.
Thus, this isn't about finding a reason to live, or justifying this or that, or what have you.
This is about you and a mystery.
Either you want to take a quick peek at that curious, mysterious blob of your life or you don't. You might want to tackle "it" head on or you might not. You might not want to have a damn thing to do with it.
A pendulum swings left and right. Your life will have "good" and "bad" swings ...but how high will it swing, in which direction? The mystery ...
If you're curious about what lies ahead, than you know there is only one way to find out, and there is always only one way. Period.
If you aren't curious, ask yourself why you aren't curious.
While asking yourself that, you may very well be struck with a second epiphany: becoming aware of what you are truly afraid of in your life.
So, again: are you going to tackle that shit or not? If not, why?
I guarantee you won't find a good reason not to tackle that shit, and embrace the mystery in front of your very eyes.
"The most audacious thing I could possibly state in this day and age is that life is worth living. It's worth being bashed against. It's worth being scarred by. It's worth pouring yourself over every one of its hot coals."
It's absolutely true. Sometimes life sucks. A lot. But you know what? There's a lot of times when it doesn't suck. There's a lot of things you can do to make it not suck. Like others have said, consider getting in touch with a therapist. It'll help to have someone to talk to. But damn man, don't quit at 17. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Roll with the punches and see if you can't turn all those years into something awesome.
Quit being so hard on yourself, for one. You're a young bloke and maybe your girlfriend was right in that you were terrible in your relationship, but not everyone's ready to be a great partner, especially not at eighteen. Don't beat yourself up about it.
It sounds like you've set up a really decent life for yourself where you are, which is something to be proud of. Though small communities can make change really hard, I'm not going to go my usual route and suggest 'Travel! Travel! Travel!'. Inner change is much easier with outer change, though, so it might be time to think about how you can alter your routine, even if it's only in little ways. Work on personal projects more - maybe dedicate some time to it. Change the way you eat. Figure out if you're happy with your wardrobe. These may seem like WTF! suggestions but if you change the person you are externally, your sense of self is bound to change too.
I really hope you start to feel better. Depression is an awful thing, especially when you're still young. Know that there's a lot to come, and a lot you don't know.
(When you say you are interested in writing, do you mean fiction / creative writing? If so, I hugely recommend getting into a writing community, online or elsewhere. I've been through a BA in Creative Writing and am currently doing my Masters in the subject, so if you want to talk about how you can really get kickstarted, gimme a PM. Having something creative that you're involved with on a daily basis is a wonderful remedy for the blues, so if there's anything I can do to help with it I'd be more than happy to)
Good luck!
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
Besides, 17? Seriously, I know you feel all deep, but trust me, you don't know shit. Leave it a while. Trust me.
My life is so different compared to then, you honestly think that right now is your world, soon you'll realise that all these things are stuff you can deal with and you'll laugh it off on how big a deal it is.
I recomend therapy though, your friends seem to like you, talk to them too tell them how much you appareciate them being your friends, I did that the other day, it felt good. You'll be fine if you can get yourself out of this mind set, you honestly seem like you have a heap going for you.
Satans..... hints.....
If you're 17 you haven't even begun to live life and experience all it has to offer. You're still in the highschool bullshit phase and then you'll move onto the college metamorphasis phase.
All I'll tell you about adult life is that it's fucking awesome. Life gets exponentially better once you graduate highschool.
Life is also what you make of it. If you think it sucks then yeah, it's going to suck more then it should. If you're insted like me and look at every day as a new day and after you've had to bury enough people close to you it starts to sink in that you need to be thankful for every day that you get to be alive.
The advice is helping immensley, I already feel worlds better.
If I CAN change, what can I do though? Being a better person is so broad. I've lived a cynical life with cynical parents being cynical to people. Where do I start with trying to turn over a new leaf with friends? This inability to know where to start makes the cowardly option seem viable.
Again, thanks.
Treat people the way you'd like to be treated and talk to them like your equals. This is the best way to get people to listen to you and like you.
You said you can be mean. Apologise to people, think about things before you do them. Tell them if I am mean to you I want to stop, can you tell me when I am. Be willing to compromise and apologise on things. You know what to do.
Satans..... hints.....
Steam | Live
A little split personality, sure, but you need to like yourself before you can at least be optimistic about things.
I'm a deeply cynical and skeptical person, but i'm also totally cool with myself and friends and overall very calm and friendly. As such I'm generally happy and optimistic, despite never believing anything
But, you should realize that these are very personal and internal changes that need to occur. You need to take a step back from yourself and attempt to change on the inside, and while other people, whether on a forum or in real life, can help, you need to want to change yourself. Those internal changes are the ones that will stick, mind, which is why they're so important.
Your ideas are normal for a lot of people your age, but for a lot of people they serve as wake-up calls. Like "hey, goofball, I'm not a wreck, there's something worthwhile here. And if not, I at least wanna see what happens!" Otherwise it's like stopping the movie after the first 15 minutes. Sure, it could be a generic movie, but it could be pretty cool, too.
Your life is ALWAYS, ALWAYS worth saving. Never think you are alone and disconnected, because someone loves you, cares about you, and suicide is never the answer. Get help immediately. Is there a help line you can call? Do it. I know, it may sound corny, but they are very helpful, believe me.
What should I ask my councler?
How should I convey myself?
How will I know I'm getting help?
I don't know what to expect going into a situation like that, and advice from past experences? Thanks.
In my experience, the hard thing in psychotherapy/counseling is going ahead and explaining the problem to the other person. Before the meeting you think you've pretty much figured out what you want to say, and then when you get there it's unexpectedly hard to get it out. At least it was that way for me, especially in the beginning of course.
This may be helpful:
http://www.aboutpsychotherapy.com/
seriously, a lot of people get mopey at your age. Wait it out, perk up, make friends, go to college, study hard, you'll be fine
failing that, seek a psychiatrist, suicide is weak and cowardly
I usually hate advice that starts with sayings or quotes, because it usually pisses me off.... but I can't help it, I love Megadeth.
Anyway, just keep your head up and don't worry so much. Things get better.
It is one of the hardest and most rewarding things in the world to develop and maintain both a self-image and a perspective on the world that are both reasonable and independent. Right now, I think both your self-image and perspective are off-kilter. That's OK, it happens. You're young, you need more time and experience to develop these things anyway.
Let me explain what I mean by reasonable and independent. By reasonable I mean that your self-image and perspective have to be grounded in reality. Losing perspective causes all kinds of problems. The fact that you say you think too much is an indicator (at least to me) that maybe you're inventing facts and perceptions that just don't exist. The world is almost never as small or as focused on us as we might think. Generally it's big and doesn't give a shit about each of us as individuals. Generally the relationships we have with other people aren't as important as we imagine them to be. That's OK. It's a big safety net. It says that if we fuck up, it's never as bad as we could imagine it to be.
By independent I mean that you cannot base your self-image and your perceptions of the world on what other people think (or, what you THINK they think - see above). Did you know there's a cure for depression? There is. It's a two part cure.
Part 1: Knowing you're OK without needing other people to tell you so, and believing it even if a small number of people tell you the opposite.
Part 2: Having relationships with other people who are not OK, and being OK with that yourself.
In your life, you're gonna have to work on both of those. We all do. Not everyone succeeds. Over the years I have come to associate with truly excellent human beings. People who are genuinely credits to the human race. Among those excellent human beings, I'd say perhaps half ever achieve part 1, let alone part 2.
If you don't achieve Part 1, then your happiness will be situational for your whole life. As long as the people in your life are reinforcing that you're OK, then you're going to be happy and carefree. But God forbid your wife starts talking about a divorce, because you're going to fall to shit.
If you don't achieve Phase 2, then you'll spend your whole life futilely trying to fix people, many of whom can't really be helped by you. They are going to be people you love and care for and you'll see them going through terrible trouble, and you'll pour your heart and soul into a bottomless pit for them. And you will not be OK. Achieving Part 2 means learning to have productive, worthwhile relationships with the worthwhile parts of deeply flawed people and being OK with that.
The million dollar question, then - is how do you do this? How do you achieve a realistic and independent self-worth (to begin with)? This is so tough, and I think the answer is different for everybody. You have to find something that will make you feel value in yourself that nobody else can take away. A relationship with a woman can't be the answer to this question, by the way.
You say you're a hard worker. That's an excellent start. I'd say build on that. My self-worth comes from my career. I do what I do because I love it. I've spent years perfecting my skills. I am excellent at it. If ten people told me tomorrow that I was completely full of shit, I'd be surprised, but it couldn't throw me off the horse. I have proven my value - not to anybody else - but to myself sufficiently. Immerse yourself in something that you value. Auto detailing, learning to play an instrument, whatever. Learn to do it well. Let some of the other things in your life (relationships, for example) diminish in importance. That's OK, there will be time for them. And they will mean so much more to you when you experience them through a base of confidence and not fear and uncertainty.
If you want to try to work on perspective too, make the thing you immerse yourself in something that is bigger than yourself and bigger than yourself and one or two other people. The best way to do this is to join some sort of team. And I don't necessarily mean sports team - I mean any group of people with a common goal in which you depend on other people and they depend on you. This might be a group of people at a job. It might be a volunteer organization. It might be a sports team. It might be a gigging band. Something where you can add value, but if you fuck up, there are real consequences. And where it is partially, but not all about, you.
Best of luck, friend.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/244840090.html
You're not L33T enough for IDI/RN FTP!
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/