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Advice for moving on? or Just some reassurance?
not_that_otherguy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hello all,
You may remember me from such threads as that one where my long time (10yr) relationship imploded in about a week.
So here is where we are, we went from "I think I need a break" to "I may see other people"
to sleeping over at the other guys house within about 3 days, but let's give a full week to be fair.
No big deal. (well, it is, but nothing to do about it I suppose) so that's that.
So now, we have to live together sometimes (when she isn't staying over there) until we can get the house settled.
We are working on the house, I'm looking at refinancing, and she doesn't think she can afford it on her own.
Fine, I'm more than happy to live here by myself, or maybe find a roommate eventually.
The help and advice I need is what the f*** to do in the mean time. I'm obviously not over her, but I'm working on it as fast as I can.
She's overdrawn and broke so it will be at least next month before anything can be done.
What can I do to help lessen the sting, or at least not be stuck at home while she's off having super awesome time.
My parents have been awesome in trying to help, taking me out to dinner, and they gave me tickets to the NBA game, which I took a friend to.
I do have friends, but I feel like kind of a wet blanket lately, and I don't want to be all eeyore around everyone.
Any advice, heck, anyone been in a similair situtation before?
You may remember me from such threads as that one where my long time (10yr) relationship imploded in about a week.
So here is where we are, we went from "I think I need a break" to "I may see other people"
to sleeping over at the other guys house within about 3 days, but let's give a full week to be fair.
No big deal. (well, it is, but nothing to do about it I suppose) so that's that.
So now, we have to live together sometimes (when she isn't staying over there) until we can get the house settled.
We are working on the house, I'm looking at refinancing, and she doesn't think she can afford it on her own.
Fine, I'm more than happy to live here by myself, or maybe find a roommate eventually.
The help and advice I need is what the f*** to do in the mean time. I'm obviously not over her, but I'm working on it as fast as I can.
She's overdrawn and broke so it will be at least next month before anything can be done.
What can I do to help lessen the sting, or at least not be stuck at home while she's off having super awesome time.
My parents have been awesome in trying to help, taking me out to dinner, and they gave me tickets to the NBA game, which I took a friend to.
I do have friends, but I feel like kind of a wet blanket lately, and I don't want to be all eeyore around everyone.
Any advice, heck, anyone been in a similair situtation before?
not_that_otherguy on
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That's not fair to the OP or whoever he would date. He can go have safe random sex, that's cool, that might make you feel better but probably actually won't. Don't feel super defeated if it just makes you more sad.
This will take time to process. Anytime you feel like interacting with your ex in a dramatic way (anything relating to feelings), just don't. I know it'll hurt, like an itch you just have to scratch, but go exercise or get a drink with friends. You are allowed to be fairly sad for awhile and as long as you aren't talking about your ex 24/7 non-stop, I think they'll all understand that.
I needed that. Thank you. I'm working on an OKCupid profile, just for the future. I feel like I can be down around friends, but the last thing I want is some random girl being like "Yeah, he was just mopey all the time during hanging out".
One day at a time. And I totally feel you on not interacting. It's like I will be civil and fine, until the sarcasm tourette's kicks in.
I think I may go get that tattoo I've been wanting.
The advice is going to repeat itself because the advice is solid. Worked for me, and it'll work for you too lad.
Keep your chin up! You're free and it's officially Go Time!
It will pass. Honestly. But my advice is don't get a tattoo in your post break up funk. Wait for that, trust me.
PSN Hypacia
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Discord Hypacia#0391
Exercise is a fantastic idea, however.
I can't imagine trying to get rid of all the things that remind you of her, but photographs, clothing, gifts, etc. have been a good place to start for me. If you've been in this house for a while try rearranging the furniture to avoid triggering memories.
Some exercise would be beneficial, going to the gym or starting a work out at home is never fun but you feel great afterward.
Also, if you are keeping the house, politely inform the lady that she will need to find alternate accommodation ASAP. If you aren't, then get an apartment and move on.
When I broke up with my last ex we had been dating for over three years and had bought a house together. It really sucked and I could only take it for about a week before I started sleeping on my best friend's couch and basically going home once a day to shower and pick up stuff I needed at a time that I knew he wouldn't be home. Oh, and it was complicated by the fact that my best friend and his best friend were roommates at the time that we broke up.
There is a piece of you that will probably always be hurt. Accept it and move on, but be aware that this will take a while.
Oh, and buck up, the sun WILL come out tomorrow*
*results may vary in the PacNW or above the arctic circle
Not saying you have to do martial arts, but anything that gives you some sense of community and stability can be an awesome thing to have. I hear some people goto church for that reason? (Not me though, LOL God) Though martial arts does have the added benefit of getting you in shape.
I'd second the idea of looking for dates with one huge reminder. Don't look for a relationship. Look for a pleasant night out with some new company. Don't even think about a date number 2. Just think "Hey, its awesome to meet someone who treats me with dignity and respect." Baby steps.
I second this. I definitely think of my fencing club as my second, hell, first real family. The physical activity clears my head and gives me something immediate to focus on combined with people I enjoy being around.
Fencing is a GREAT activity for de-stressing and clearing your mind.
This. For the love of God, this. Do things you couldn't normally do because of your serious relationship. Catch up on all the things you love but had to stop doing because your girlfriend was getting all of your time. Nothing works better to ease the sting than being reminded that there's a hell of a lot of awesome things in the world that are just waiting for you.
yeah, seriously. Shit, when I broke up with my ex, I traveled. Granted it was just upstate to visit friends, but I wouldn't have been able to do that if I was still with him. Did she not approve of video games? Play the SHIT out of some, then! Did she hate the movies you love? Fuckin' watch some damn good films. Did she hate some of your friends? Hang out with them until 2 am. Do what you weren't able to do before. The freedom will feel amazing, I guarantee it.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
Please be careful in interpreting what I'm about to say, but: Don't be afraid to do something drastic for yourself. I don't mean anything crazy or harmful or whatever, but sometimes drastic can be good. For instance, I had to drop out of school temporarily (with a planned date of return) and take a really rough job to give myself time to reset my brain after a situation of a similar nature, and it's helped me out more than I ever would have imagined. Common wisdom would be, don't drop out of school, no matter what, that's too drastic. But sometimes, drastic times really do call for drastic measures.
Now, if you've been in a 10-year relationship, I would guess you're not in school anymore. But the principle is the same.
Gym is the best advice I could give. When I had a bad breakup involving a lot of awfulness 2 hours at a gym saved my life.
To add to my first post, who knows? Maybe while you're out having Super Phun Thyme, you'll meet someone who enjoys the same things you do, and has the sense of adventure to actually want to continue doing them after beginning a long-term relationship. Nothing says your life has to become altogether boring once you settle down. Find a girl that shares some of your interests, doesn't mind hanging out with your friends from time to time, and isn't going to end up fucking one or more of them as a result of doing so. If you can satisfy those three criteria? Marry the fuck out of her.
This is all helping. It's tough, no lie, but one day at a time for now.
The house will be worked out, and Good or Bad it will now be 100% mine. Maybe I keep it a couple of years, wait for the market to be better and make a decent profit.
I've been following the advice and no matter what my friends are asking me to do, I go. It's helping, even if it is just sitting around watching a football game.
The advice about friends understanding helps a lot.
Thanks again.
More importantly - buy new bedding. Change your sheets, your doona (comforter, whatever you call it) cover, all that sort of stuff. I was an absolute mess every night when I went to bed after my ex left me, until I moved my bed slightly, and put new sheets on it. The difference it made was amazing, and if you can afford it I really recommend it.
I work in the same department with my ex-girlfriend, but am currently looking for a new job. I don't think I can continue working in the same building with her. Plus, my job sucks.
I've planned a trip to Disneyland next month for my birthday. I've also re-joined my gym. I'm trying to do everything you're supposed to do after a break-up.
However, she just called me a few hours ago to say "hi" and it brought back a lot of feelings. Anyway, hang in there, buddy. I know it's hard.
Get mad, not sad. Take some time to consider what they've done to you, stew in it for a while, and let it piss you off. Let yourself get angry. Get self-righteous about it if you have to. Being sad and depressed will only make you weak and leave you vulnerable to get screwed over again. Being angry is empowering and puts you in a state of mind where you're not likely to tolerate anything like that again.
Good point. I started to get angry, because I suspect she may have broken either my receiver or one of my tower speakers when she was drunk one night. Instead of feeling sad and pathetic, I became glad that we weren't together anymore.
Anger may make the OP feel better briefly, but it leads to dangerous mindsets and encouraging a feeling of being a victim is not healthy.
edit: Maybe I will get in trouble for taking this sharp of a stand, but shrug, if that's what it takes to give good advice, oh well.
Easy there, duder. Nobody said "cut her brake lines while cursing her name to hell". I'm just saying it's better to be like "Yeah, FUCK you" than "how could you do this I can't live without you nooooo".
We don't know anything about her side of the story, it is possible to give the OP advice without saying bad stuff about the ex.
Also, you have to live with her and work out financial issues. You need to be civil to her until you get that all worked out. Yes, it really really sucks but don't start to get irrationally mad until after you get that stuff worked out.