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Advice for moving on? or Just some reassurance?

not_that_otherguynot_that_otherguy Registered User regular
edited January 2011 in Help / Advice Forum
Hello all,

You may remember me from such threads as that one where my long time (10yr) relationship imploded in about a week.
So here is where we are, we went from "I think I need a break" to "I may see other people"
to sleeping over at the other guys house within about 3 days, but let's give a full week to be fair.

No big deal. (well, it is, but nothing to do about it I suppose) so that's that.

So now, we have to live together sometimes (when she isn't staying over there) until we can get the house settled.
We are working on the house, I'm looking at refinancing, and she doesn't think she can afford it on her own.
Fine, I'm more than happy to live here by myself, or maybe find a roommate eventually.

The help and advice I need is what the f*** to do in the mean time. I'm obviously not over her, but I'm working on it as fast as I can.
She's overdrawn and broke so it will be at least next month before anything can be done.

What can I do to help lessen the sting, or at least not be stuck at home while she's off having super awesome time.
My parents have been awesome in trying to help, taking me out to dinner, and they gave me tickets to the NBA game, which I took a friend to.
I do have friends, but I feel like kind of a wet blanket lately, and I don't want to be all eeyore around everyone.

Any advice, heck, anyone been in a similair situtation before?

not_that_otherguy on
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    FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Start looking your next date.

    Fantasma on
    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
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    DeebaserDeebaser on my way to work in a suit and a tie Ahhhh...come on fucking guyRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Be awesome and do awesome things. You don't have her dragging you down anymore. Go rock climbing, paintballing, try match.com, bro out with your bros.

    Deebaser on
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    LailLail Surrey, B.C.Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Exercise. Go to the gym. You'll release some awesome hormones and you'll feel 100 times sexier when you're done.

    Lail on
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    admanbadmanb unionize your workplace Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    What everyone else said, but also you should spend time with your friends. They won't mind if you're a little out of it.

    admanb on
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    OnTheLastCastleOnTheLastCastle let's keep it haimish for the peripatetic Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Fantasma wrote: »
    Start looking your next date.

    That's not fair to the OP or whoever he would date. He can go have safe random sex, that's cool, that might make you feel better but probably actually won't. Don't feel super defeated if it just makes you more sad.

    This will take time to process. Anytime you feel like interacting with your ex in a dramatic way (anything relating to feelings), just don't. I know it'll hurt, like an itch you just have to scratch, but go exercise or get a drink with friends. You are allowed to be fairly sad for awhile and as long as you aren't talking about your ex 24/7 non-stop, I think they'll all understand that.

    OnTheLastCastle on
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    not_that_otherguynot_that_otherguy Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Fantasma wrote: »
    Start looking your next date.

    That's not fair to the OP or whoever he would date. He can go have safe random sex, that's cool, that might make you feel better but probably actually won't. Don't feel super defeated if it just makes you more sad.

    This will take time to process. Anytime you feel like interacting with your ex in a dramatic way (anything relating to feelings), just don't. I know it'll hurt, like an itch you just have to scratch, but go exercise or get a drink with friends. You are allowed to be fairly sad for awhile and as long as you aren't talking about your ex 24/7 non-stop, I think they'll all understand that.

    I needed that. Thank you. I'm working on an OKCupid profile, just for the future. I feel like I can be down around friends, but the last thing I want is some random girl being like "Yeah, he was just mopey all the time during hanging out".

    One day at a time. And I totally feel you on not interacting. It's like I will be civil and fine, until the sarcasm tourette's kicks in.

    I think I may go get that tattoo I've been wanting.

    not_that_otherguy on
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    Katsuhiro 1139Katsuhiro 1139 Dublin, IrelandRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Gym, gym, go running, gym, drink, friends, gym.

    The advice is going to repeat itself because the advice is solid. Worked for me, and it'll work for you too lad.

    Keep your chin up! You're free and it's officially Go Time! :D

    Katsuhiro 1139 on
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    DeebaserDeebaser on my way to work in a suit and a tie Ahhhh...come on fucking guyRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Splurge on a Kinect. Dance Central is like the gym, with achievements.

    Deebaser on
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    ElinElin Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Fantasma wrote: »
    Start looking your next date.

    That's not fair to the OP or whoever he would date. He can go have safe random sex, that's cool, that might make you feel better but probably actually won't. Don't feel super defeated if it just makes you more sad.

    This will take time to process. Anytime you feel like interacting with your ex in a dramatic way (anything relating to feelings), just don't. I know it'll hurt, like an itch you just have to scratch, but go exercise or get a drink with friends. You are allowed to be fairly sad for awhile and as long as you aren't talking about your ex 24/7 non-stop, I think they'll all understand that.

    I needed that. Thank you. I'm working on an OKCupid profile, just for the future. I feel like I can be down around friends, but the last thing I want is some random girl being like "Yeah, he was just mopey all the time during hanging out".

    One day at a time. And I totally feel you on not interacting. It's like I will be civil and fine, until the sarcasm tourette's kicks in.

    I think I may go get that tattoo I've been wanting.

    It will pass. Honestly. But my advice is don't get a tattoo in your post break up funk. Wait for that, trust me.

    Elin on
    Switch SW-5832-5050-0149
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    RikushixRikushix VancouverRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    It won't happen overnight. 10 years is a long, long time, and the only thing that will help you get over her completely is time itself.

    Exercise is a fantastic idea, however.

    Rikushix on
    StKbT.jpg
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    OnTheLastCastleOnTheLastCastle let's keep it haimish for the peripatetic Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Yeah, unfortunately no amount of 'keeping busy' will shield you completely from the overwhelming waves of sadness that sometimes happen. I think it's really important to realize this, that regular sadness isn't a cause for concern.

    OnTheLastCastle on
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    HK5HK5 Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I find when I need to just get through a period of time it helps to plan something in the future that I really want to do so I can look forward to it. Whether that is a trip to somewhere exotic, a new job, a new place to live, a new experience - I think they key word here is new. Even if it's 6 months down the line, find something you've always wanted to do and lose some of your angst in the details of planning it out. It'll keep you from dwelling on how rough things are in the here and now. When something this difficult and sad happens to you, you need to create your own reasons for plowing forward.

    HK5 on
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    John MatrixJohn Matrix Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Wow, this is a tough situation given that you still see her on a semi-regular basis. If you're the one who is staying in the house and making the payments I might advice making the place your place.

    I can't imagine trying to get rid of all the things that remind you of her, but photographs, clothing, gifts, etc. have been a good place to start for me. If you've been in this house for a while try rearranging the furniture to avoid triggering memories.

    Some exercise would be beneficial, going to the gym or starting a work out at home is never fun but you feel great afterward.

    John Matrix on
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    RobmanRobman Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    The key here is to establish a routine that is new, and is focused on you. Your old routine was designed to accommodate someone who is no longer important to your life, so you should update accordingly.

    Also, if you are keeping the house, politely inform the lady that she will need to find alternate accommodation ASAP. If you aren't, then get an apartment and move on.

    Robman on
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    KistraKistra Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Basically it sucks. Your friends know your life sucks right now, they are your friends because they are willing to see you through the good times and the bad times. Hang out with them and just plan a ton of stuff to do. Make a point to give yourself time to bitch and complain, but then decide that you won't say anything else about your ex for the rest of the night. Keep busy, go to the gym, find a new hobby, start hiking, whatever keeps your mind busy.

    When I broke up with my last ex we had been dating for over three years and had bought a house together. It really sucked and I could only take it for about a week before I started sleeping on my best friend's couch and basically going home once a day to shower and pick up stuff I needed at a time that I knew he wouldn't be home. Oh, and it was complicated by the fact that my best friend and his best friend were roommates at the time that we broke up.

    Kistra on
    Animal Crossing: City Folk Lissa in Filmore 3179-9580-0076
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited January 2011
    I will second that "that time I broke up with what's-her-name" is probably not what you want to associate with something you're having permanently inked onto your body. I'd wait till you're feeling a bit better for that.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    schussschuss Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Your life is going to suck emotionally. Like the others said, pour yourself into work and hobbies and find what makes not_that_otherguy happy. Rock climbing is fun, and if you're in the right area, skiing or mountain biking. They're great in that you fall if you're thinking about anything but them in the moment, forcing you to move your mind away from her.
    There is a piece of you that will probably always be hurt. Accept it and move on, but be aware that this will take a while.
    Oh, and buck up, the sun WILL come out tomorrow*


    *results may vary in the PacNW or above the arctic circle

    schuss on
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    NamrokNamrok Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Personally, Martial Arts has gotten me through more difficult times than anything else. Breakups, deaths, injury, illness, job transitions. I go there, I have friends I've sweat, bled and trained with. It's like a second family. I've done it my entire adult life, and I do it because I chose to, and I love every second of it.

    Not saying you have to do martial arts, but anything that gives you some sense of community and stability can be an awesome thing to have. I hear some people goto church for that reason? (Not me though, LOL God) Though martial arts does have the added benefit of getting you in shape.

    I'd second the idea of looking for dates with one huge reminder. Don't look for a relationship. Look for a pleasant night out with some new company. Don't even think about a date number 2. Just think "Hey, its awesome to meet someone who treats me with dignity and respect." Baby steps.

    Namrok on
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    VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Did you talk to a lawyer yet? Sure everything seems hunky dory now but you never know when the crazy is going to come out. Treat this like a divorce and cover your ass.

    VisionOfClarity on
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    John MatrixJohn Matrix Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I just remembered that you were together for 10 years, talk to a lawyer because the issue of common law marriage may be a factor here depending upon the facts.

    John Matrix on
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    KazakaKazaka Asleep Counting SheepRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Namrok wrote: »
    Personally, Martial Arts has gotten me through more difficult times than anything else. Breakups, deaths, injury, illness, job transitions. I go there, I have friends I've sweat, bled and trained with. It's like a second family. I've done it my entire adult life, and I do it because I chose to, and I love every second of it.

    I second this. I definitely think of my fencing club as my second, hell, first real family. The physical activity clears my head and gives me something immediate to focus on combined with people I enjoy being around.

    Kazaka on
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    RikushixRikushix VancouverRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Kazaka wrote: »
    Namrok wrote: »
    Personally, Martial Arts has gotten me through more difficult times than anything else. Breakups, deaths, injury, illness, job transitions. I go there, I have friends I've sweat, bled and trained with. It's like a second family. I've done it my entire adult life, and I do it because I chose to, and I love every second of it.

    I second this. I definitely think of my fencing club as my second, hell, first real family. The physical activity clears my head and gives me something immediate to focus on combined with people I enjoy being around.

    Fencing is a GREAT activity for de-stressing and clearing your mind.

    Rikushix on
    StKbT.jpg
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    GaroGaro Registered User new member
    edited January 2011
    I agree with everyone that encourages physical activity. It is a great release when you are stressed. I also recommend getting involved in some new activities - perhaps something you put off because you were in a relationship. Being single is a great time to explore new interests that you may have previously put on the back-burner. Sometimes hanging out with a new group of people you don't associate with your ex is helpful. I recommend meetup.com. It's nice to be able to get out with a group of people you can have fun with, but are also not going to allow you (because you don't know them well enough) to talk about you ex.

    Garo on
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    Triple BTriple B Bastard of the North MARegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Deebaser wrote: »
    Be awesome and do awesome things. You don't have her dragging you down anymore. Go rock climbing, paintballing, try match.com, bro out with your bros.

    This. For the love of God, this. Do things you couldn't normally do because of your serious relationship. Catch up on all the things you love but had to stop doing because your girlfriend was getting all of your time. Nothing works better to ease the sting than being reminded that there's a hell of a lot of awesome things in the world that are just waiting for you.

    Triple B on
    Steam/XBL/PSN: FiveAgainst1
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    AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Triple B wrote: »
    Deebaser wrote: »
    Be awesome and do awesome things. You don't have her dragging you down anymore. Go rock climbing, paintballing, try match.com, bro out with your bros.

    This. For the love of God, this. Do things you couldn't normally do because of your serious relationship. Catch up on all the things you love but had to stop doing because your girlfriend was getting all of your time. Nothing works better to ease the sting than being reminded that there's a hell of a lot of awesome things in the world that are just waiting for you.

    yeah, seriously. Shit, when I broke up with my ex, I traveled. Granted it was just upstate to visit friends, but I wouldn't have been able to do that if I was still with him. Did she not approve of video games? Play the SHIT out of some, then! Did she hate the movies you love? Fuckin' watch some damn good films. Did she hate some of your friends? Hang out with them until 2 am. Do what you weren't able to do before. The freedom will feel amazing, I guarantee it.

    AlyceInWonderland on
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    Gandalf_the_CrazedGandalf_the_Crazed Vigilo ConfidoRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Rework your routine, engage in physical activity, spend lots of time with other friends (and your family, if that's an option/you have good relationships with them).

    Please be careful in interpreting what I'm about to say, but: Don't be afraid to do something drastic for yourself. I don't mean anything crazy or harmful or whatever, but sometimes drastic can be good. For instance, I had to drop out of school temporarily (with a planned date of return) and take a really rough job to give myself time to reset my brain after a situation of a similar nature, and it's helped me out more than I ever would have imagined. Common wisdom would be, don't drop out of school, no matter what, that's too drastic. But sometimes, drastic times really do call for drastic measures.

    Now, if you've been in a 10-year relationship, I would guess you're not in school anymore. But the principle is the same.

    Gandalf_the_Crazed on
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    mrt144mrt144 King of the Numbernames Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Gym, gym, go running, gym, drink, friends, gym.

    The advice is going to repeat itself because the advice is solid. Worked for me, and it'll work for you too lad.

    Keep your chin up! You're free and it's officially Go Time! :D

    Gym is the best advice I could give. When I had a bad breakup involving a lot of awfulness 2 hours at a gym saved my life.

    mrt144 on
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    Triple BTriple B Bastard of the North MARegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Triple B wrote: »
    Deebaser wrote: »
    Be awesome and do awesome things. You don't have her dragging you down anymore. Go rock climbing, paintballing, try match.com, bro out with your bros.

    This. For the love of God, this. Do things you couldn't normally do because of your serious relationship. Catch up on all the things you love but had to stop doing because your girlfriend was getting all of your time. Nothing works better to ease the sting than being reminded that there's a hell of a lot of awesome things in the world that are just waiting for you.

    To add to my first post, who knows? Maybe while you're out having Super Phun Thyme, you'll meet someone who enjoys the same things you do, and has the sense of adventure to actually want to continue doing them after beginning a long-term relationship. Nothing says your life has to become altogether boring once you settle down. Find a girl that shares some of your interests, doesn't mind hanging out with your friends from time to time, and isn't going to end up fucking one or more of them as a result of doing so. If you can satisfy those three criteria? Marry the fuck out of her.

    Triple B on
    Steam/XBL/PSN: FiveAgainst1
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    not_that_otherguynot_that_otherguy Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I love you guys, seriously.

    This is all helping. It's tough, no lie, but one day at a time for now.

    The house will be worked out, and Good or Bad it will now be 100% mine. Maybe I keep it a couple of years, wait for the market to be better and make a decent profit.

    I've been following the advice and no matter what my friends are asking me to do, I go. It's helping, even if it is just sitting around watching a football game.

    The advice about friends understanding helps a lot.

    Thanks again.

    not_that_otherguy on
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    John MatrixJohn Matrix Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Excellent. She's the one with the problem, so she's the one who needs to get out of your house.

    John Matrix on
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    burntheladleburntheladle Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    This is something I don't see mentioned much, but I think it's particularly important if you're not moving out... make the house yours. Move things around, change things up so it's just not the same house minus her.

    More importantly - buy new bedding. Change your sheets, your doona (comforter, whatever you call it) cover, all that sort of stuff. I was an absolute mess every night when I went to bed after my ex left me, until I moved my bed slightly, and put new sheets on it. The difference it made was amazing, and if you can afford it I really recommend it.

    burntheladle on
    What would Zombie Pirate LeChuck Do?
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    KazakaKazaka Asleep Counting SheepRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    You seem pretty level-headed, OP. I'm sure you're gonna pull through this just fine.

    Kazaka on
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    BelketreBelketre Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I would be working on getting her the hell out of your apartment. It is pretty callous to be boning somebody 3 days after you ended a 10 year relationship, and basically rubbing it in the face of the other party.

    Belketre on
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    SliderSlider Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I'm almost going through the same thing. My relationship recently ended, as well. It is very important to stay busy, yada, yada, yada. I always knew that exercise will counteract the sadness, but I didn't feel the physical and emotional benefits until after doing some pushups a few minutes ago. It actually DOES feel great to exercise your body, even a little bit. Something is released, I'm not entirely certain what is released, but it feels good.

    I work in the same department with my ex-girlfriend, but am currently looking for a new job. I don't think I can continue working in the same building with her. Plus, my job sucks.

    I've planned a trip to Disneyland next month for my birthday. I've also re-joined my gym. I'm trying to do everything you're supposed to do after a break-up.

    However, she just called me a few hours ago to say "hi" and it brought back a lot of feelings. Anyway, hang in there, buddy. I know it's hard.

    Slider on
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    Triple BTriple B Bastard of the North MARegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    If I can add one more tidbit, and this one really applies to anyone who's been screwed over in a relationship.

    Get mad, not sad. Take some time to consider what they've done to you, stew in it for a while, and let it piss you off. Let yourself get angry. Get self-righteous about it if you have to. Being sad and depressed will only make you weak and leave you vulnerable to get screwed over again. Being angry is empowering and puts you in a state of mind where you're not likely to tolerate anything like that again.

    Triple B on
    Steam/XBL/PSN: FiveAgainst1
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    SliderSlider Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Triple B wrote: »
    If I can add one more tidbit, and this one really applies to anyone who's been screwed over in a relationship.

    Get mad, not sad. Take some time to consider what they've done to you, stew in it for a while, and let it piss you off. Let yourself get angry. Get self-righteous about it if you have to. Being sad and depressed will only make you weak and leave you vulnerable to get screwed over again. Being angry is empowering and puts you in a state of mind where you're not likely to tolerate anything like that again.

    Good point. I started to get angry, because I suspect she may have broken either my receiver or one of my tower speakers when she was drunk one night. Instead of feeling sad and pathetic, I became glad that we weren't together anymore.

    Slider on
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    OnTheLastCastleOnTheLastCastle let's keep it haimish for the peripatetic Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Man, Slider, you are not going through the same thing as this guy. I say this because I do not consider your advice good advice. 2 months is not 10 years. Sorry. You post consistent weird relationship troubles so I'm not going to let you spread that. Not trying to come down on you like a villain but I don't think it's correct for the OP. The end.

    Anger may make the OP feel better briefly, but it leads to dangerous mindsets and encouraging a feeling of being a victim is not healthy.

    edit: Maybe I will get in trouble for taking this sharp of a stand, but shrug, if that's what it takes to give good advice, oh well.

    OnTheLastCastle on
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    Triple BTriple B Bastard of the North MARegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Man, Slider, you are not going through the same thing as this guy. I say this because I do not consider your advice good advice. 2 months is not 10 years. Sorry. You post consistent weird relationship troubles so I'm not going to let you spread that. Not trying to come down on you like a villain but I don't think it's correct for the OP. The end.

    Anger may make the OP feel better briefly, but it leads to dangerous mindsets and encouraging a feeling of being a victim is not healthy.

    edit: Maybe I will get in trouble for taking this sharp of a stand, but shrug, if that's what it takes to give good advice, oh well.

    Easy there, duder. Nobody said "cut her brake lines while cursing her name to hell". I'm just saying it's better to be like "Yeah, FUCK you" than "how could you do this I can't live without you nooooo".

    Triple B on
    Steam/XBL/PSN: FiveAgainst1
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    KistraKistra Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Belketre wrote: »
    I would be working on getting her the hell out of your apartment. It is pretty callous to be boning somebody 3 days after you ended a 10 year relationship, and basically rubbing it in the face of the other party.

    We don't know anything about her side of the story, it is possible to give the OP advice without saying bad stuff about the ex.

    Also, you have to live with her and work out financial issues. You need to be civil to her until you get that all worked out. Yes, it really really sucks but don't start to get irrationally mad until after you get that stuff worked out.

    Kistra on
    Animal Crossing: City Folk Lissa in Filmore 3179-9580-0076
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    DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited January 2011
    I have to agree with LastCastle, take slider's feedback with a big grain of salt. He's comparing two situations that just aren't that similar. Don't get mad, just be strong and get on with your life and get her out of it. Don't waste time on revenge. That costs you more in the long run by how it changes you as a person. Get out of this as cleanly as you can and burntheladle has a good point. Change how the apartment looks. Rearrange stuff, new sheets. Basically switch it up so everything doesn't remind you of her.

    Druhim on
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