Broke up with girlfriend, want her back

Arfenhouse

I google'd this already but I want y'alls perspective on things. I trust you all more than google.

I dated this girl for about 3 months. I broke up with her a couple of weeks ago because I'm graduating in May and will probably not be staying here. She just dropped out of college and is living with her mom. Those were the logical, "I can't do long distance" excuses that I had for breaking up with her.

Fast forward to now, a couple of days ago one of my best guy friends invited her out with us without telling me, and rage happened. I've never felt that jealous before, even though it was purely innocent on their part.

I've talked to her since the break up and we talk and get along.

The problem is, I want her back. A lot. Enough that it's blinding me to the whole "in May I might be gone" issue. It's to the point where I want to call her again and tell her flat out "I've made a huge mistake." Yes, she's seen Arrested Development.

And believe me, I know it was a 3 month relationship and I should probably move on. But damn do I want her back. And it's not just the attention that I'm missing either.

So tell me H/A, what should I do?

schuss

Errrr, so tell her?

Be honest and forthright, and be prepared to be rejected.
Ideal: give her a call and ask to do lunch or something, then bring flowers and explain your feelings etc.

Figgy

Let's look at the key points in your post:

- You've been together a couple of months.
- You're graduating and moving on with your life.
- She dropped out of school and is living at home.

That should be enough to tell you that you probably made the right decision. You very likely don't love this girl yet, so why put yourself through the hardships of a long distance relationship for this? When you move away, you'll meet new people.

Robos A Go Go

So can you actually do a long-distance relationship?

Arfenhouse

Robos A Go Go wrote: »

So can you actually do a long-distance relationship?

I've honestly never tried.

MetroidZoid

I think for any significant relationship, you need longer than a two week 'rest' period. I'm not saying never get back with her; I broke up a couple times with my now wife as we were going through high school and college. It's tough finding out who you want to be, changing, but trying to keep a steady relationship too. Even so, give it some time. Hang out with friends. Don't dwell too much on the past relationship, and if you find yourself in a few more weeks time still thinking a relationship with her could work, then pursue it. That way, if you do get rejected then, which there's a chance of it happening, you'll have had enough time off that it won't feel like another heavy heartbreak. Trust me, been there done that.

Arfenhouse

Figgy wrote: »

- She dropped out of school and is living at home.

Well she dropped out because her parents ran out of money. Taking a semester "break". So to speak. But yeah.

VisionOfClarity

Arfenhouse wrote: »

Figgy wrote: »

- She dropped out of school and is living at home.

Well she dropped out because her parents ran out of money. Taking a semester "break". So to speak. But yeah.

This doesn't sound much better to be honest.

Figgy

Arfenhouse wrote: »

Figgy wrote: »

- She dropped out of school and is living at home.

Well she dropped out because her parents ran out of money. Taking a semester "break". So to speak. But yeah.

That wasn't meant to be a jab at her, but more to show that she's in no position to move away with you any time in the near future. You moving away means this will absolutely be a long distance relationship.

I was in an LDR for a few years with my current S.O., but I moved away when we were at year three. It was really tough then, and I saw her almost every weekend. Are you going to be close enough to visit often? I don't even imagine mine would have worked if we were only a few months in, even with weekend visits. You won't get enough time to grow together and get to really know one another.

OnTheLastCastle

The answer to "ready for long distance" is no, sorry.

Your situation is normal, you're single and at the moment, the relationship would work. You could talk to her honestly and do a casual thing which would be good in the short-term and potentially problematic in the longer term.

This is just a question of willpower and what is more important to you: short term or long term.

I guess I'm curious why you felt you had to break up so far in advance rather than talk about it and date until you moved away? Were you worried about one of you falling for each other? Did you talk about it and decide to break up rather than risk that? Did you make the decision for her?

edit: To reference what I said in sentence one: There needs to be a clear end in sight for a LDR to work. Also probably AT LEAST a year or two in the relationship beforehand. But the most important part is an END IN SIGHT. Otherwise, what's the point? There is none. Dead relationship walking.

Arfenhouse

Figgy wrote: »

Arfenhouse wrote: »

Figgy wrote: »

- She dropped out of school and is living at home.

Well she dropped out because her parents ran out of money. Taking a semester "break". So to speak. But yeah.

That wasn't meant to be a jab at her, but more to show that she's in no position to move away with you any time in the near future. You moving away means this will absolutely be a long distance relationship.

I was in an LDR for a few years with my current S.O., but I moved away when we were at year three. It was really tough then, and I saw her almost every weekend. Are you going to be close enough to visit often? I don't even imagine mine would have worked if we were only a few months in, even with weekend visits. You won't get enough time to grow together and get to really know one another.

The thing is, I'm still looking for a place to go after college. Applying for jobs, trying to make connections, all that. I don't have anywhere to go after I graduate YET. But I know I won't be staying here. Or really anywhere around here. Nearest place I'd like to move is 7 hours away driving.

Arfenhouse

OnTheLastCastle wrote: »

The answer to "ready for long distance" is no, sorry.

Your situation is normal, you're single and at the moment, the relationship would work. You could talk to her honestly and do a casual thing which would be good in the short-term and potentially problematic in the longer term.

This is just a question of willpower and what is more important to you: short term or long term.

I guess I'm curious why you felt you had to break up so far in advance rather than talk about it and date until you moved away? Were you worried about one of you falling for each other? Did you talk about it and decide to break up rather than risk that? Did you make the decision for her?

I broke up with her in advance because we were connecting so well that I could see the potential disaster if/when I move away. I explained this to her and she seemed to and still seems to understand.

VisionOfClarity

This is a grass is greener situation. Let it go.

OnTheLastCastle

It sounds like you have a very definite feeling what you should do but are being tempted because you're single and you like her. I don't really know what to tell you, it's a personal thing where you'll have to decide if you'd feel bad going back on what you felt at the time was the right thing to do.

If she'd even go back out with you, but one step at a time.

Figgy

You just said yourself that you will 100% be living at least seven hours away. That's a once per month visit at the most.

A long distance relationship with a girl you've known only a few months will not work in that situation, and you're just putting the two of you through more hardships by going back out with her.

Druhim

You know why you're missing her? Because you're feeling lonely. So you look back wistfully and only remember the good times. You only dated for two months. You're going off to college. MEET OTHER WOMEN. Get on with your life. Grow up. It's for the best. You're just afraid of change.

mrt144

This is why I feel every breakup should go through some crazy blowup type of thing. So that you can't look back at it with fondness and then mope on what coulda been.

Apogee

My general advice is d NOT get into a LDR unless you plan on marrying her. It is a massive head/heartache.

Arfenhouse

Druhim wrote: »

You know why you're missing her? Because you're feeling lonely. So you look back wistfully and only remember the good times. You only dated for two months. You're going off to college. MEET OTHER WOMEN. Get on with your life. Grow up. It's for the best. You're just afraid of change.

In college, going off into the real world*. But I understand what you're saying.

Druhim

Ah, sorry. You're graduating.

EggyToast

Do you miss her, or a relationship? I mean, if you're not dating anyone else (which it doesn't sound like because you're moving), you're sitting at home thinking "I don't have someone to talk to, make out with, have sex with, this sucks."

Well, that's just going to happen again if you're 7 hours away from your [ex]girlfriend. And you're going to think "I'm so lonely even though I have a girlfriend, why did I get back together with her."

When I graduated high school my girlfriend and I had a talk and we broke up, even though we liked each other still. Same reason -- distance, new life stuff, etc. So we "broke up" but then continued to hang out, cuddle, have sex, etc., and while it was fun, in hindsight it was also pretty stupid. Instead of moving on, we were in this weird ambiguous relationship with no future just waiting until one of us actually broke it off for real. Which happened when school started up for reals.

It's not bad, it's just not good either. You're the only one who gets to live your life so if you want to get back with this girl for the short term and try a LDR, go for it. You don't seem to have anything else lined up, but I personally think you should be using this time to improve your own self and create a better sense of what you'd do independently (since you will shortly be in a new place with only yourself to do things with for the short term).

Arfenhouse

EggyToast wrote: »

Do you miss her, or a relationship?

This is what I'm struggling with. I don't need any more personal development, I've been single for 21 years out of the 22 years I've been alive. But I can't figure out if I just miss her because she's awesome and we connect really well, or if I miss the idea of someone who finally likes me for me, someone who shares my interests and who I enjoy spending time with.

I'd venture to guess it's a bit of both. I just feel like a huge dick because I finally found something tangible and I had to go s**t on it just because I'll be damned if I stay here after I graduate.

witch_ie

While I agree that you should probably wait to make sure this isn't just loneliness and the general sadness that comes after a break up, I think you need to decide whether you will ultimately regret breaking up with this girl. Maybe you should give it another try to find out if it would be worth pursuing a long distance relationship in the future.

Also, I don't think anyone is ever "ready" for a long distance relationship. They are painful and difficult and absolutely require a definitive end date. If you're able to form the trust and commitment to each other that's required to make it through something like that, then it can be worth trying - it doesn't matter how long you've been together.

Druhim

I have to chuckle at the notion that you don't need any more personal development because you're 21. You're still pretty much a kid. I know young people hate hearing that. Tough, it's true. You definitely still have growing up to do if you're this conflicted over a girl you've dated for two months. That's another reason you should just move on. She's not your "soulmate", she's just (as you admit yourself) the first girl who "likes me for me, someone who shares my interests and who I enjoy spending time with." Believe me, there will be others and you can do much better than that. What you've given as examples of why this was so good are pretty damn basic elements of a decent relationship.

Arfenhouse

Druhim wrote: »

I have to chuckle at the notion that you don't need any more personal development because you're 21. You're still pretty much a kid. I know young people hate hearing that. Tough, it's true. You definitely still have growing up to do if you're this conflicted over a girl you've dated for two months. That's another reason you should just move on. She's not your "soulmate", she's just (as you admit yourself) the first girl who "likes me for me, someone who shares my interests and who I enjoy spending time with." Believe me, there will be others and you can do much better than that. What you've given as examples of why this was so good are pretty damn basic elements of a decent relationship.

Touché, my good sir, touché.

schuss

Druhim wrote: »

I have to chuckle at the notion that you don't need any more personal development because you're 21. You're still pretty much a kid. I know young people hate hearing that. Tough, it's true. You definitely still have growing up to do if you're this conflicted over a girl you've dated for two months. That's another reason you should just move on. She's not your "soulmate", she's just (as you admit yourself) the first girl who "likes me for me, someone who shares my interests and who I enjoy spending time with." Believe me, there will be others and you can do much better than that. What you've given as examples of why this was so good are pretty damn basic elements of a decent relationship.

I knew nothing at 21. NOTHING. I realized that at 22. Repeat for every year so far I've lived.

Arfenhouse

When I say personal development, I mean that I'm very good at being by myself with my own thoughts with no one around to talk to. As far as developing outward and growing, yes, I know absolutely nothing and have no idea wth I'm doing.

GreasyKidsStuff

Let's talk about the other aspect of this problem though. Your friend who invited her out without telling you. I'm thinking if he's one of your best friends, you should mention that to him and maybe tell him how uncomfortable you are about it.

I was in the same situation. Broke up with a girl after an 8 month period, and my best friend quickly swooped in and started hanging out with her. Lots. And I got INSANELY jealous. And I talked to him about it lots, telling him how unbelievably uncomfortable I was with it. So at the same time I was dealing with my feelings that still lingered for this girl, and my agitation at my best friend moving in on territory that still hurt.

The end result is that they started dating, they still do, lots of drama unfolded, and I don't speak with him anymore. But that is another story and it was a while ago, so I'd rather not get into it.

Tell him your issues.

Druhim

Arfenhouse wrote: »

Druhim wrote: »

I have to chuckle at the notion that you don't need any more personal development because you're 21. You're still pretty much a kid. I know young people hate hearing that. Tough, it's true. You definitely still have growing up to do if you're this conflicted over a girl you've dated for two months. That's another reason you should just move on. She's not your "soulmate", she's just (as you admit yourself) the first girl who "likes me for me, someone who shares my interests and who I enjoy spending time with." Believe me, there will be others and you can do much better than that. What you've given as examples of why this was so good are pretty damn basic elements of a decent relationship.

Touché, my good sir, touché.

It's good that you have a sense of humor about it. Wish you the best with your move.

OnTheLastCastle

Slam dunk from the old man. And what Schuss said was pretty true too. I'm 27 now and it's still fucking happening yearly!

(but this is totally the year I got it all on lockdown, I even bought some vitamins, right?!)

Sneakert

Druhim wrote: »

I have to chuckle at the notion that you don't need any more personal development because you're 21. You're still pretty much a kid. I know young people hate hearing that. Tough, it's true. You definitely still have growing up to do if you're this conflicted over a girl you've dated for two months. That's another reason you should just move on. She's not your "soulmate", she's just (as you admit yourself) the first girl who "likes me for me, someone who shares my interests and who I enjoy spending time with." Believe me, there will be others and you can do much better than that. What you've given as examples of why this was so good are pretty damn basic elements of a decent relationship.

I absolutely love that you; who's location is "butt butt butt POOOOP", tell him that he has growing up to do.

But, you're right nonetheless.

Druhim

Being mature and having the ability to appreciate silliness are not mutually exclusive.

Dark_Side

Am I to understand OP that you only began to feel this way when you saw another guy take her out? I would make sure that jealously isn't clouding your mind here. Sometimes we can have incredible passion for things we used to have, but now can't, and then upon re-procuring those things realize exactly why we let them go in first place.

I'm not saying your feelings aren't genuine, just make sure you know where they are coming from.

Arfenhouse

Dark_Side wrote: »

Am I to understand OP that you only began to feel this way when you saw another guy take her out? I would make sure that jealously isn't clouding your mind here. Sometimes we can have incredible passion for things we used to have, but now can't, and then upon re-procuring those things realize exactly why we let them go in first place.

I'm not saying your feelings aren't genuine, just make sure you know where they are coming from.

No this has been pretty much since we broke up. That was just an example of how I still feel for her. And GreasyKids, I've already spoken with him about it, it was more of a sitcom situation than something that he did out of malice.

Dark_Side

Arfenhouse wrote: »

Dark_Side wrote: »

Am I to understand OP that you only began to feel this way when you saw another guy take her out? I would make sure that jealously isn't clouding your mind here. Sometimes we can have incredible passion for things we used to have, but now can't, and then upon re-procuring those things realize exactly why we let them go in first place.

I'm not saying your feelings aren't genuine, just make sure you know where they are coming from.

No this has been pretty much since we broke up. That was just an example of how I still feel for her. And GreasyKids, I've already spoken with him about it, it was more of a sitcom situation than something that he did out of malice.

Were the two of you sexing it up? I know the last bad breakup I went through I really missed the sex aspect, which I internally twisted into meaning that I missed everything about this woman, when in truth she was usually awful to be around. Took almost a year before I really figured that out.

Ultimately the question is do I want to be with her or not, and it doesn't sound like you're all that sure yet. Once you have that answered, everything else is easy.

Arfenhouse

Dark_Side wrote: »

Arfenhouse wrote: »

Dark_Side wrote: »

Am I to understand OP that you only began to feel this way when you saw another guy take her out? I would make sure that jealously isn't clouding your mind here. Sometimes we can have incredible passion for things we used to have, but now can't, and then upon re-procuring those things realize exactly why we let them go in first place.

I'm not saying your feelings aren't genuine, just make sure you know where they are coming from.

No this has been pretty much since we broke up. That was just an example of how I still feel for her. And GreasyKids, I've already spoken with him about it, it was more of a sitcom situation than something that he did out of malice.

Were the two of you sexing it up? I know the last bad breakup I went through I really missed the sex aspect, which I internally twisted into meaning that I missed everything about this woman, when in truth she was usually awful to be around. Took almost a year before I really figured that out.

Ultimately the question is do I want to be with her or not, and it doesn't sound like you're all that sure yet. Once you have that answered, everything else is easy.

Wanting to be with her was never an issue, I never didn't want to be with her. Double negatives sorry. It was specifically just the "I'm graduating in May" issue. I have no idea when I'm going to get a job offer, I've been applying my ass off all around the country. For all I know I could be stuck here with no place to go for another year or two (rent is dirt cheap), though I hope that's not the case.

The only conundrum is whether or not breaking up with her for that reason alone was a mistake or not. I feel like it was. But I also see the reality of it (which everyone here has been pointing out), and that's if/when I eventually do move, I'll be faced with this again. But down the road, after a few more months of relationship.

Deadfall

I had something much longer written up, but my computer froze so I'll just say:

Broke up with girlfriend, want her back

No, you don't. You just think you do, but it will pass. Also, listen to Druhim for he is wise.

Aphostile

Arfenhouse wrote: »

Wanting to be with her was never an issue, I never didn't want to be with her. Double negatives sorry. It was specifically just the "I'm graduating in May" issue. I have no idea when I'm going to get a job offer, I've been applying my ass off all around the country. For all I know I could be stuck here with no place to go for another year or two (rent is dirt cheap), though I hope that's not the case.

The only conundrum is whether or not breaking up with her for that reason alone was a mistake or not. I feel like it was. But I also see the reality of it (which everyone here has been pointing out), and that's if/when I eventually do move, I'll be faced with this again. But down the road, after a few more months of relationship.

I don't really know how you can make a decision either way about whether it was a mistake or not at this point. At three months, I doubt you're even past the initial lust/"honeymoon" phase.

In your mind you rationalized that the relationship was not worth continuing vs possibly moving away, so I believe you've already made that decision and are now just facing buyer's remorse. The fact that you can already see the terminus of the relationship before you are even back together isn't a good sign, either.

Sarcastro

Shit son, if I had a nickel for every girl I still really liked even though the timing was terrible, I'd have like, five nickels.

Which is less than I thought it would be really. Hunh.

I suppose what I'm getting at, is that it's the timing that stinks, not the girl, the girl is probably fucking awesome. But every girl comes with their own situation, and you know (or at least seem very convinced) that you're not going to be a part of that situation. And that's rough, bud. I will drink a beer in your name. Maybe two or three.

And at the end of those beers, I am sure I will think about girls. The endless sea of sweet, awesome girls, whom I am sure I would have adored, but couldn't be with or never met, or missed bumping into, or didn't talk to, who were dating my friends, who lived too far away, who had phone numbers written completely fucking illegibly on my body, and I will think to my myself while swirling the dregs of my drink and I will shrug, and down the rest in one go. And I will nod to my friends with a smile, I will tip, and then I will go home.

To my girl. Who is fucking awesome. And whose timing worked out perfectly.

Deadfall

Sarcastro wrote: »

Shit son, if I had a nickel for every girl I still really liked even though the timing was terrible, I'd have like, five nickels.

Which is less than I thought it would be really. Hunh.

I suppose what I'm getting at, is that it's the timing that stinks, not the girl, the girl is probably fucking awesome. But every girl comes with their own situation, and you know (or at least seem very convinced) that you're not going to be a part of that situation. And that's rough, bud. I will drink a beer in your name. Maybe two or three.

And at the end of those beers, I am sure I will think about girls. The endless sea of sweet, awesome girls, whom I am sure I would have adored, but couldn't be with or never met, or missed bumping into, or didn't talk to, who were dating my friends, who lived too far away, who had phone numbers written completely fucking illegibly on my body, and I will think to my myself while swirling the dregs of my drink and I will shrug, and down the rest in one go. And I will nod to my friends with a smile, I will tip, and then I will go home.

To my girl. Who is fucking awesome. And whose timing worked out perfectly.

This.

This is goddammed beautiful.

GreasyKidsStuff

Sarcastro, I think.... I think I'm crying