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Post your animal stories
bubble-man
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Everyone loves animals either as pets, food, or pleasant entertainment. I'll start with a favorite of mine.
One day I decided to go to the zoo. It was the Detroit zoo, but that is not really all that important. After some aimless wandering, I went to see the bears. They had black bears, brown bears, and grizzly bears, but the polar bears were missing. It seems the zoo had built a new "Arctic Ring of Life" exhibit. If anyone is familiar with the Detroit zoo, you now know this story is a few years old.
Before I continue, I must ask: Why are peacocks always roaming free? no other animal wanders around, roaming the paths at the zoo. Only the peacocks discovered that wooden posts with two planks between them do not constitute a "fort knox" level of security. There isn't even an exhibit for peacocks. I think they just came on opening day, paid admission somehow and stayed there in their own renegade community living off of food court scraps.
Once I got to the new hub of Arctic Activity I began navigating its maze-like twisting path. Along the way there is information about the inuit culture and, of course, arctic animals. I don't care about the information, because I didn't pay to read about Eskimos. That would be a very different kind of zoo.
There was an arctic fox. It was probably just an albino fox that they bred from some zookeepers backyard, or maybe they bleached it Michael Jackson style. There was a place for a snowy owl, but owls are active at night when zoos are closed. Great planning there. I bet there wasn't even an owl at night. They did have seals. Seals are cute. They like to entertain people by doing little loops, and coming up to the edge of the pool. That is why it is so easy to club their babies, they are too eager to please.
The main attraction is a transparent tunnel that takes you underneath the pool that the seals and polar bears swim in. At the opening of the tunnel is a display of Inuit art. Sculptures of fat people. All fat people.
I go into the tunnel and see a polar bear only about ten feet away. Polar bears are big, scary killing machines. They are the largest land predator in the world. It was swimming closer. Do you know the pose all stuffed polar bears are in? the one where it looks like they want your head and shoulders to be a few yards apart and stupid people put their hats on it and take goofy posed pictures? That is the position the bear was it when it got to the glass, three feet from my face.
The thing about zoos is that there is always a very loud schoolgroup anywhere you go. The thing about tunnels is they amplify sound. The thing about terrifying animals of death is that they make schoolgroups scream.
The bear seemed to be dazed by the noise and he climbed on top of the tunnel. He, a creature weighing hundreds of puonds, was suspensed by a thin, bent sheet of plastic mere feet from my head, directly above my upturned face.
This was a new exhibit, only open for a few weeks at the most. These joints had never been tested before. Maybe the guy with the caulk gun was having problems at home, and missed a spot. I saw images of myself suurounded by icy water and nose to snout with an angry bear. What actually happened was far more sinister.
It was then that the bear did something that I will remember until my dying day. An image has been seared into my memory for the rest of time.
He took a dump. Right above my head.
One day I decided to go to the zoo. It was the Detroit zoo, but that is not really all that important. After some aimless wandering, I went to see the bears. They had black bears, brown bears, and grizzly bears, but the polar bears were missing. It seems the zoo had built a new "Arctic Ring of Life" exhibit. If anyone is familiar with the Detroit zoo, you now know this story is a few years old.
Before I continue, I must ask: Why are peacocks always roaming free? no other animal wanders around, roaming the paths at the zoo. Only the peacocks discovered that wooden posts with two planks between them do not constitute a "fort knox" level of security. There isn't even an exhibit for peacocks. I think they just came on opening day, paid admission somehow and stayed there in their own renegade community living off of food court scraps.
Once I got to the new hub of Arctic Activity I began navigating its maze-like twisting path. Along the way there is information about the inuit culture and, of course, arctic animals. I don't care about the information, because I didn't pay to read about Eskimos. That would be a very different kind of zoo.
There was an arctic fox. It was probably just an albino fox that they bred from some zookeepers backyard, or maybe they bleached it Michael Jackson style. There was a place for a snowy owl, but owls are active at night when zoos are closed. Great planning there. I bet there wasn't even an owl at night. They did have seals. Seals are cute. They like to entertain people by doing little loops, and coming up to the edge of the pool. That is why it is so easy to club their babies, they are too eager to please.
The main attraction is a transparent tunnel that takes you underneath the pool that the seals and polar bears swim in. At the opening of the tunnel is a display of Inuit art. Sculptures of fat people. All fat people.
I go into the tunnel and see a polar bear only about ten feet away. Polar bears are big, scary killing machines. They are the largest land predator in the world. It was swimming closer. Do you know the pose all stuffed polar bears are in? the one where it looks like they want your head and shoulders to be a few yards apart and stupid people put their hats on it and take goofy posed pictures? That is the position the bear was it when it got to the glass, three feet from my face.
The thing about zoos is that there is always a very loud schoolgroup anywhere you go. The thing about tunnels is they amplify sound. The thing about terrifying animals of death is that they make schoolgroups scream.
The bear seemed to be dazed by the noise and he climbed on top of the tunnel. He, a creature weighing hundreds of puonds, was suspensed by a thin, bent sheet of plastic mere feet from my head, directly above my upturned face.
This was a new exhibit, only open for a few weeks at the most. These joints had never been tested before. Maybe the guy with the caulk gun was having problems at home, and missed a spot. I saw images of myself suurounded by icy water and nose to snout with an angry bear. What actually happened was far more sinister.
It was then that the bear did something that I will remember until my dying day. An image has been seared into my memory for the rest of time.
He took a dump. Right above my head.
bubble-man on
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Posts
That's my story
not today
not ever
my hamster got cancer
I had to get rid of my first dog because it was too big and we had to move
i had to get rid of my first cat because the fleas were too bad
yeah me and animals don't get along
"If you're going to play tiddly winks, play it with man hole covers."
- John McCallum
he shared an aquarium with a hermit crab and a star fish
wed feed the three of them goldfish and the gold fish would die in the most horrible ways imaginable
I watched a bear take a refreshing dip in my pool
Luckily, it's concrete so there was no real damage afterwards, except I guess bear hair floating around and getting into the filter.
ahahaha a six pack
who's it for the horse
That's Daniel Radcliffe. Mr. Potter himself in a nude scene.
Uh, one time at Custer State Park, a donkey pinned me against the car while trying to get at the box of crackers I had.
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
Sweet. Donkey showzen.
He was owned by a family that was moving to Germany and couldn't take their pets with them, so they were interviewing people to take the pets. They came over and brought Timy Boy. He already had a name and a history and another family, but I didn't care. They left, and took him back with them. We passed their inspection, but the dad worked days and still hadn't said goodbye.
It was a Monday. I tremember because my dad was watching Monday Night Football when the other family's dad came back with the dog. I woke up that morning with a small, incomplete dog on my chest. The next hour was filled with me running through the house screaming with joy.
I had a dog. My dog had three legs. I didn't care.
He was only 7 pounds and the dumbest animal I'd ever met, but he was the best friend a proto-nerd like myself could have. He'd chase rabbits across the backyard, and cought one by the tail once. Three-legged dogs can be quite fast.
Over the years we moved 3.5 times, and he slowed up a little more every time. For the last two years he wasn't even able to jump on the couch. When I went off to school it was Tiny I looked forward to seeing over break. I could email my friends, and my parents were always calling me, but I had no way to talk to him.
Last Friday I got a call saying he had to be put down. In his last few days he lost the ability to walk or even stand on his own.
Dammit I miss my (most of a) dog.
And we ate. What a wonderful feast those pets made.
this reminds me of this badass koi fish that lives in my friends backyard
there used to be a whole bunch of em' back there in this little pond set-up, but after a really harsh winter where it froze over, we mostly expected them to die
instead, one of them emerged victorious once the ice melted, nearly triple the size he was when he went in
he ate his brothers and sisters to survive
it would try to hump everyone. i've seen a lot of dogs do this, but this is the only one i've seen that would have his huge red boner jutting out while he tried to rape you.
after you managed to get the fucker off, he would lay down, and lick said giant red boner.
i rmember when i was a kid i was watching the hermit crab because a gold fish was near him. In what could have only been a few seconds he lunged at the fish and completely ripped it to shreds.
The weirdest thing i saw in that tank was when i was passing by one morning i noticed the starfish was had stationed itself on the glass, and that the middle of it was shiny for some reason. A closer inspection revealed that the shiny object was a goldfish head pressed against the glass. I cant imagine how he caught one but i do not want be eaten by a starfish now
The horse has to drink Diet Pepsi because sugar hurts its jaw.
IF YOU DO NOT GET THE JOKE:
your = belonging to you
their = belonging to them
there = not here
they're = they are
Was it radioactive?
your = belonging to you
their = belonging to them
there = not here
they're = they are
I DON'T KNOW FRAM WHY DO YOU THINK MY FACE IS SO LONG AND I LIKE TO LICK SALT BLOCKS
ALSO THESE GODDAMN CHUNKS OF METAL NAILED INTO MY FEETNEEEEEEIIIIIGHHHHHH
It starts to feel like we're...uh...
heh...uh..
beating a dead horse.
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
I guess what's really disturbing about that, is the part where he pressed it against the glass
like, for what? a message to you and whoever happened to be passing by?
and here is a fact: some species of Starfish can inject their own stomachs into mollusks (such as clams), then devour them from the inside out
that's why they don't seem to have mouths that would support killing and eating other things
my animals are trained pretty well, and i look over to notice what looked like him chewing on the cord, and i yell at him to stop and he gives me this desperate "i can't!" look that didn't make any sense, and then he tensed himself up to jump
and just before he jumped i noticed that the reason he was chewing on the cord is because he had wrapped it around his neck perfectly, twice
so right before i can react he jumps as hard as he can, the cord catches him, and he drops and hangs there like someone just pulled the lever on him in a western
luckily i jumped up and managed to free him before he choked to death or broke his neck, but after the fact it was pretty fucking funny
*chopchopchopchopchopchopchopchopchopwhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir*
i cant get a mental picture of that going at all
I put soap on him, closed the thing up and washed the damn dishes.
And thankfully, there weren't wasp bits everywhere when it was done.
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
i'm pretty sure he ate one of my friends
i had a duck too
motherfuckin duck would bite your face off given the chance
i had a rabbit too
fucker was fat
"If you're going to play tiddly winks, play it with man hole covers."
- John McCallum
Bout ripped my friend's damn arm off during my fifth grade school field trip to the zoo.
I caught a bee with the vaccumm cleaner once.
"Daddy, what's that darkish thing the little wallabee is poking at?"
"That's.... that's.... that's a goddamn crocodile!"
So my dad runs off to find a zoo keeper because there's a goddamn crocodile in the wallabee exhibit. I stay and watch the action.
By now a crowd had gathered, gaping at the apex predator in a cute fuzzy little critter's territory.
"Right there, by the little wallabee."
"Oh shit, we need to get someone on that right away. Let me just radio so-"
CRUNCH
No more little wallabee. It was fucking awesome. I was a dinosaur/reptile obsessor at this time, but it still must have been a little disturbing to my dad when everyone else was screaming and I was cheering.