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Taking time off from everything
GaaForbi
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
This post may come off obnoxious. That is not the intent. You may think I'm just some sort of lazy douche or am trying to weasel out of things. If that is the case, then I guess I'll have to hear about that too.
I am pretty sure I am in the middle of some sort of nervous breakdown. Been this way for three months or so, but it's been in the offing for much longer. Haven't told anybody about it, but that's mostly because I have nothing going on right now. Within the next few months I will have to do something, and that honestly should be scaring the shit out of me. But it doesn't.
I go to graduate school. Now I hate it. I don't like the people, I can't see myself spending my life doing this. I'm also just not very good at it. This is all probably very interrelated.
I should be doing stuff outside of studying right now. But I'm not. I haven't interacted with my university for a few months. Haven't registered for more coursework. Haven't even checked how I ended up doing last year. Mostly I just don't want to.
I owe quite a bit of money. I need to take out more to finish. But the thought of going into further debt to finish bothers me. I have no prospects after and don't want to be doing this. But without finishing I just have a mountain of debt with nothing to show for it. If I do finish, I'd probably have to borrow more to get additional education / certification. I also have no real prospects if I quit, either.
Basically, I've fucked myself pretty well. I'm not trying to avoid the debt. I'd be happy to swallow it if I could be doing something I don't resent getting out of bed for everyday. But that's not where I'm at right now.
I'm thinking of getting counseling. I may be actually going nuts (mental illness is big in my family). I probably should be more worried than I am. But mostly I just don't care about much of anything right now. The only reason I'm thinking of seeking help is that I'm objectively seeing that this is becoming self-destructive.
Here comes the derpy part: has anybody else experienced similar? What happens to people that are on the verge of mentally checking out? Should I just bite down and finish what I've started, hoping for things to turn out better further down the line? Are there means for people to walk away from life for a little while and get some perspective?
I am pretty sure I am in the middle of some sort of nervous breakdown. Been this way for three months or so, but it's been in the offing for much longer. Haven't told anybody about it, but that's mostly because I have nothing going on right now. Within the next few months I will have to do something, and that honestly should be scaring the shit out of me. But it doesn't.
I go to graduate school. Now I hate it. I don't like the people, I can't see myself spending my life doing this. I'm also just not very good at it. This is all probably very interrelated.
I should be doing stuff outside of studying right now. But I'm not. I haven't interacted with my university for a few months. Haven't registered for more coursework. Haven't even checked how I ended up doing last year. Mostly I just don't want to.
I owe quite a bit of money. I need to take out more to finish. But the thought of going into further debt to finish bothers me. I have no prospects after and don't want to be doing this. But without finishing I just have a mountain of debt with nothing to show for it. If I do finish, I'd probably have to borrow more to get additional education / certification. I also have no real prospects if I quit, either.
Basically, I've fucked myself pretty well. I'm not trying to avoid the debt. I'd be happy to swallow it if I could be doing something I don't resent getting out of bed for everyday. But that's not where I'm at right now.
I'm thinking of getting counseling. I may be actually going nuts (mental illness is big in my family). I probably should be more worried than I am. But mostly I just don't care about much of anything right now. The only reason I'm thinking of seeking help is that I'm objectively seeing that this is becoming self-destructive.
Here comes the derpy part: has anybody else experienced similar? What happens to people that are on the verge of mentally checking out? Should I just bite down and finish what I've started, hoping for things to turn out better further down the line? Are there means for people to walk away from life for a little while and get some perspective?
GaaForbi on
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we also talk about other random shit and clown upon each other
Usually I'll run 10k a few times a week. Other than that...not much.
I'd rather not say.
From personal experience, unless you get help or dramatically change your perspective on life, trying to just ride it out won't work. If you work on it, commit to changing things, then yes things can dramatically improve, but just buckling down and plowing through? That will just lead to your misery fueling itself day by day, and the lackluster academic results that are a given from someone who hates their work.
Get help. You probably don't realize how irregular, yet common, this attitude is.
I'd rather not say.[/QUOTE]
Well this is a pretty important factor because how you handle your situation depends a lot on how you leverage how you've already spent your time and resources.
we also talk about other random shit and clown upon each other
Well this is a pretty important factor because how you handle your situation depends a lot on how you leverage how you've already spent your time and resources.[/QUOTE]
I'm 2/3 - 3/4 through a professional degree in a field where internship is your best bet for securing employment, but most students don't get one.
Avail yourself of that resource because it sounds like you're very overwhelmed and talking to a counselor and maybe getting more emergent help with your situation is the best thing you can do for yourself
After you get past that initial hurdle, they'll most likely work with you to see if or how you'd be able to finish out your coursework
e: Law student?
Don't quit. Perseverance is an important character trait and you will thank yourself for getting it done at the end of things, even if you end up not continuing with your education.
I suggest you go and talk to a counsellor, but don't take the lazy way out and stop! You will end up regretting it; afterall, you're nearly done. Why put all your previous efforts to waste?
My first foray into graduate school, I ended up dropping out because I wasn't happy with what I was doing or what it would turn into once I finished my degree. A friend gave me some good advice at this point, and said that I needed to make sure I was moving towards something, not just running away. Changing a direction in your life isn't something you should feel bad about, so long as you're changing direction and not just coming to a screeching halt.
Also, you probably are depressed, maybe because of your environment, maybe for other reasons - I know I was. Making a change and taking a step in the right direction definitely helped me - it still took years before I could work through all the negativity that had built up while I was depressed. I suggest you find a friend or a loved one that you can trust and can talk out your options with. This is your life and while the debt looming above your head can seem overwhelming, once you understand better what you want, then you can figure out a way to deal with it that fits in with your goals.
Seriously. Your school has resources for this - use them.
The above is pretty vague, but it sounds like you're just in limbo at the moment. Everything you absolutely have to do is probably part of a routine, and there really isn't a lot outside of that routine, so it feels like a big bowl of nothing. You can't really shake things up, because its been sorted, and so in the deathly silence of homeostasis you can literally feel the clock ticking as your life ebbs away one moment at a time.
Change is an essential part of living and feeling alive. To know that you are growing, to know that you are going somewhere, that progress has been made. Getting caught in a stall can bring on some pretty powerful feelings. There's some deep-seated primal shit screaming EVOLVE OR DIE in the base of your brain, wired in there to make sure you don't just sit around all day masturbating while absorbing all the useless trivia floating around in your life.
It probably is. Again, the above is really vague, but in fighting generic with generic, lets just say that once upon a time this field of study seemed pretty awesome/doable, and know that you really know how it ticks the magic is gone, all you see its strings and smoke and mirrors and midgets hopping around in mechanical suits backstage, its fucking boring, a shit ton of work, and even the douches are doing better at it than you. Yup, that happens.
You could change fields, you could stay and finish off the learning. That's really up to you and your personality. Some stay, some quit. I would simply caution at this stage that almost everything you find interesting gets way less interesting once the mystery is gone and it turns into work, but I will also say, that for things you really love, there is another point after where everything starts to flow a lot easier, you can put a bit more of your own personality and direction into your work and suddenly the romance returns because it is good to be good at things you are good at, and those little details that used to be a huge pain in the ass just become an extension to a larger and infinitely more fun process.
Do you need a kick in the ass? I am occasionally an unbeleivably lazy asshole with way too much authority over my own life, and there really isn't anybody to kick me in the ass anymore. So y'know as a favor to you from the internets;
STOP FUCKING ABOUT WITH YOUR LIFE YOU LAZY FUCKING GOOSE YOU ARE GOING TO NEED IT LATER
If you have an authority figure in mind, try to picture their voice. I use my Grampa. He's gone now, but if at some point I think I need to get to it, I just sort of think of WWGD, and his firm, loving, yet deeply disapproving head shake tends to get me on the right track again.
That's pretty much the story for everyone getting a degree ever. Suck it up or don't.
I don't think you're going nuts, so far it seems you're pretty much normal, more or less on track, but not very motivated. Talking to someone would probably help. If you've got friends who can understand, sweet. If you don't, you can totally pay some dude to be that friend. Either way, find someone who gets it. Be aware though, that if the problem stems from an inability to kick your own ass, there's no real cure except for practice.
I wish that giving a damn came in pill form, I would pop those fuckers like m&ms.
Not to take away from your own personal experience, but I think what you're going through happens a lot. Like, alot a lot. Some people do flake out; some people wander off and go backpacking in europe, some people blog. Some people hunker down get thier shit together, but turn into assholes. Some people grow through the experience and become more than what they set out to be. Some people just wait until its over. Some people have parents that call them everyday, threatening to beat their ass if they don't make things work. There are a lot of solutions to this kind of issue; what would be good and what would be bad sort of depends on your own idea of success and what it means to be happy and self-satisfied.
Could be that that meaning is something different than you once thought it was, could be you are just trying to rationalize you're way out of something you don't want to do. Maybe you're just lonely, maybe you are depressed, naturally or chemically. Maybe you just need to get out more. Whatever the thing is, it's going to require a decision (out or through), and then its going to require you actually acting on it.
What I would suggest, is to try and step outside the details for a bit, and determine how you want to end up. What kind of situation would you need to be in to say, hey, y'know what? I'm good here.
For me, I have a kind of house in mind. I have an amount of money I want. I have a budget I would like to reach, and skills I would like to aquire. I know the kinds of friends I want to be surrounded with, and I have a pretty good idea as to how I want to be able to spend my time.
When I look at my own abilities, my own drives, my own preferences, and I apply that as a filter while looking at the location I would like to live in, I can see that there are only a handful of ways to realistically accomplish what I want. I picked one that I thought would give me the best possible chance of achieiving those things. It didn't really work out. I picked a new thing, and so far so good. As you go along, you'll see better ways. Some ways will become closed. Sometimes there may be only one way at all, and you'll just have to go through it.
Keep your options open, observe and adapt, and always have a goal in mind. You may not wind up where you thought you would, but you'll wind up somewhere, and it will probably be okay. The more you define what you want, and the more effort you put in to getting there, the more likely it is that it will be awesome.
As you have no doubt begun to realize, every second of your life is numbered. It is a real number, and it is always counting down. So pick a place and start walking, because time is wasting.
Where would you like to go?
1. I dropped out of grad school with vague intentions of going back some day
2. I went into therapy (I didn't officially drop out until school was done paying for this)
3. I got a casual job (i.e. retail) and started working off the debt I accumulated
After about 3 years of that I had everything fixed and I ended up back in grad school for the same subject, and like it a lot better. I realized in retrospect that the problem wasn't grad school, it was me. If I had done (2) and (3) first, (1) might not even have been necessary.
So, I would recommend talking to a professional. Maybe you need them to prescribe you some pills, maybe you just need to talk it out, but give it a shot. As mentioned above, your school has services for this kind of thing. In the end, you might decide that you really really don't want to be in this program. Or you might find that it's not so bad after all.
What I wouldn't do is write the whole thing off and ditch, because, trust me, it's a pain in the ass to get anything going in your life for a while after that.