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Should I ask her out?
tehnewusername
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
let me give you some back story on me real fast.
i'm 19. i have had absolutely no experience with girls. recently i lost fifty pounds and gained ten back in muscle, so hopefully that changes. we'll see.
anyway, enter the girl i like, erica. we met through a mutual friend about a year and a half ago. we've only seen each other a handful of times, and then our primary method of contact was through Facebook (she moved for a while). we have become pretty good friends.
she is back in town and going to my university for this semester. i haven't seen her yet and we haven't made plans. the way we were before she left wasn't really one on one hanging out, it was more of a group type thing.
anyway, i've really started to like her more and more over the last few months. i want to ask her out, but i'm worried about ruining our friendship (she's really shy and doesn't react well to awkwardness). i have no clue as to whether she likes me or not (i've been terrible at reading signs in the past). i have a one major concern, however.
we are seemingly exact opposites. i'm 6'4, she's 4'11. i'm extremely liberal, she's extremely conservative. i'm agnostic, she's religious. now, normally i'd say to hell with all that, but some recent insight into her views have made me reconsider.
for example, one of her friends made a post saying how she would never let religion interfere with marriage. she wouldn't push it on her mate, and she would expect the same back. in response, erica posted:
so should i not even go for it? i mean, i had no idea she thought this way before a few days ago. it has kind of deflated any confidence i had.
i'm 19. i have had absolutely no experience with girls. recently i lost fifty pounds and gained ten back in muscle, so hopefully that changes. we'll see.
anyway, enter the girl i like, erica. we met through a mutual friend about a year and a half ago. we've only seen each other a handful of times, and then our primary method of contact was through Facebook (she moved for a while). we have become pretty good friends.
she is back in town and going to my university for this semester. i haven't seen her yet and we haven't made plans. the way we were before she left wasn't really one on one hanging out, it was more of a group type thing.
anyway, i've really started to like her more and more over the last few months. i want to ask her out, but i'm worried about ruining our friendship (she's really shy and doesn't react well to awkwardness). i have no clue as to whether she likes me or not (i've been terrible at reading signs in the past). i have a one major concern, however.
we are seemingly exact opposites. i'm 6'4, she's 4'11. i'm extremely liberal, she's extremely conservative. i'm agnostic, she's religious. now, normally i'd say to hell with all that, but some recent insight into her views have made me reconsider.
for example, one of her friends made a post saying how she would never let religion interfere with marriage. she wouldn't push it on her mate, and she would expect the same back. in response, erica posted:
2 Corinthians 6:14: Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
so should i not even go for it? i mean, i had no idea she thought this way before a few days ago. it has kind of deflated any confidence i had.
tehnewusername on
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Or, you can do what typical teenage boys do and never ask, prolonging the inevitable in the hopes that someday, she will magically become everything you want her to be and realize that you are everything she wants, and you will live a magical life together forever.
I recommend Door #1.
In all seriousness, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Don't limit yourself to pining over one person and whether or not things will work out in some far-imagined potential universe. Ask her out. If she says yes, then great, start a relationship and see what happens. If she says no, then by all means remain friends and move on with your life. You are your own person, and you have something to offer someone, so don't spend all your time waiting for something to happen when you can go out there and make something happen.
PS - Badass job on losing the weight, buddy. Don't sell yourself short. See what's out there.
Except I was 22.
Don't wait another three years, dude.
I'll throw my hat on the other side as someone who once dated a fairly religious girl during my atheistic days and it did not end terribly well. As much as you think you can avoid it religion is a huge part of a religious person's life (the biggest if you go by The Book~) and it will cause friction. The girl I dated wasn't even to the point of throwing out isolationist bible quotes and it still crashed and burned.
Strong religious beliefs are on a whole different level when it comes to compatibility.
my wife and i are two totally different people and i am 6'3" and she is 5 foot so dont worry about the size thing we dated for quite a long time and every one was wondering how we were a couple but we got through it we even lived an hour apart from eachother so do what i am trying to say is if you feel you want something or some one in this world just do it if things dont work out they dont work out but at least you can say you made a go of it now move your ass
if she says no and you remain friends - you can laugh about it (plus she can act as an agent)
if she says yes, awesome.
So really there's no downside.
That aside, it's not a big deal to ask out an acquaintance and get shut down. Pretty much worst case scenario is that she says no and you guys remain friends.
In other words: she might say yes, but that's probably enough reason not to bother in the interest of saving yourself some time unless you like her a ton and are exceptionally understanding and respectful of other people's beliefs.
A friend of mine went out with a girl like that for a while, and getting out to experience the world, relationships etc. completely changed her viewpoint. She's still very religious, but not hardline.
The main issue here is that although you like her a lot, and you're likely compatible as friends, you WILL disagree on religion, because as you've just seen, it won't be restricted to just the two of you having this difference.
She has felt it appropriate to give a quote in opposition to another person's view on religion in marriage, so let's say for the moment that you do end up going out, and are in a social situation. A similar discussion arises, and your now-GF is strongly espousing the sacred text's views on the matter. Do you back her up? If you don't, can she respect the fact that the two of you have a difference of world view? From the nature of the post that she made, it doesn't look too much like it.
I obviously don't know what she thinks or does, but from the limited available info, if i were in the same situation, i'd move on without asking her out at all- this difference could not help but become a toxic element in your relationship.
That being said, perhaps she felt like her friend was being a bit of a hypocrite and so wanted to point it out to her (like she had said that verse to someone else not long before, but now is going the other way) or maybe she felt that the person needed to be "put in their place" or something. We can't really be sure of her actual religious beliefs based on one facebook post taken out of context.
That being said...it would make *her* a bit of a hypocrite if she dated you...not that that is necessarily a bad thing.
* Yes, go for it. The worst you'll get is no.
* If they were your friend and they stop being your friend forever and ever, then they weren't that good of a friend in the first place and you'll find a better friend eventually.
* If they say yes and you date for a while, break up horribly and are never friends again, see the above response.
* If they say yes and it turns out well, then congratulations; YOU WON.
Addendum: Views about politics and religion will mess with these rules somewhat, but the story will remain mostly the same for as long as you're alive.
Just see if she wants to catch a movie sometime, or go to a show, or grab dinner. Whatever.
If you arent asking her out because she's a jesus freak: Fair complaint. Don't ask her out.
I don't really have a fear of asking girls out. I've done it three times now, though the first two times don't really count (first was over e-mail [i know
I don't want to do it over the internet (for obvious reasons), and I have her phone number, so should I just call her and ask her out? Or should I ask to meet her and then ask her out in person?
Like I said, I have almost no real experience with this, and my friends aren't any really help at all. I personally think asking someone out over the phone is fine, but in freshman year of high school I apparently thought asking a girl out via e-mail was fine, so my instincts obviously can't be trusted.
Failure ain't so bad. And if you don't risk it, you don't even have the chance of a yes
Don't get to caught up in the 'rules' mang, turns out, there aren't any. Go with whatever you're okay with, and nine times out of ten, being totally okay with it will make it totally okay.
It's actually not. I can think of quite a few places it's not acceptable or a good idea.
OP, The question you have to ask yourself is "Is it worth risking a friendship over?"
If she says "No" and things get weird, that's not her fault (against what others here will say). The minute you attempt to change the dynamic be prepared to take a step that you can never take back.
From how you describe things, it's not a good idea.
I join the many other repliers here in saying, "What can it hurt to ask her out?" She might say no, and you both move on to a great friendship. She says yes, and you both move on to a hopefully great relationship. I trust that both of you are aware enough that you won't let a brief moment of potential relationship tension ruin what I assume to be an already great relationship.
All said and done, best of luck in whatever you decide!
But I will say . . . still go for it and ask her out. Maybe, as someone said, being ultra-religious is a defense mechanism. If not, well . . . odds are you aren't going to end up marrying the first girl you go out with anyway and at least you'll get some experience and build up your confidence.
Just don't feel obligated to hide your liberal leanings or real feelings. Don't feel like you have to defer to/agree with her point-of-view because she's a girl, because she's shy, etc. You have just as much right to your own POVs.
There's really no harm in asking. Worst comes to worst you'll get turn down and even then it's not the end of the world. You can still ask her when something comes up the next time, or if things went sour there's always other girls around.
I haven't had much experience in asking girls out either. My advice is not to ask straight away.. but just get into a general conversation and then bring it up and say it'll be fun and then invite her. It would also help if you lower your expectation... don't think of it as a date but rather 2 friends getting together and hanging out... The pressure to preform is way less and you two might actually have a good time.
Good luck!
Friends in general are a resource. Who cares if it's a girl or not? A friend is a friend is a friend. I don't see why you should risk asking some girl out just to gain more experience in "the field" at the risk of alienating her. Which you almost certainly do if she says "No". Yes, it's not the end of the world, but you're most likely going to lose a friend. That's what the OP's question needs to be weighed against. The OP already makes it sound like she's not going to be interested, he's just coming in here with the hope against hope that someone will say "Go for it!", which in these forums people tend to do no matter what the circumstance (Boyfriend? Who cares? Go for it, man!) for some strange reason that I haven't yet fathomed.
Take it from someone whose friend base is 90% women. I have a bit more insight than most men when it comes to matters like these.
EDIT: At the VERY LEAST hang out with her a few times on a friendly basis before you ask her. As you said, you haven't even seen her in person in quite some time. It's not going to kill you to wait a couple weeks. Jumping on her like that before she even gets settled is a pretty good way to unnerve her. Let her have a friendly face at the university before you go for it. Let her get used to you in person. Facebook does not count as real life interaction by any stretch of the imagination.
Get it done, if it goes awry it will be off your chest and you can move on, and this, this feels very very good.
Also don't listen to Esh. The only advice there I can support is don't jump on her immediately if she came out of a relationship of some sort.
Do it over the phone if it's easier, not through text, give her a call, ask her if she'd like to go out for some lunch with you. If not, bugger, but now you have your answer and you can seek new and interesting things
Asking her out for lunch is one thing, asking "WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME?!?!" is a whole other. The latter is what he's asking. If the former is all he's going to do, he should definitely go for it. Otherwise, as he hasn't even seen her in God knows how long, he needs to do the asking in person. She'll appreciate it much more and it's probably much more probable to work given (again) that they haven't been in face to face contact for a while.
Just ask her out. It's not a big deal. If she makes it a big deal, that's her problem not yours.
On the other hand, at this point asking the girl out has nothing to do with the girl, or even the potential for a relationship. It has to do with the OP's piece of mind and the fact that these unresolved issues tend to fester. Asking a girl you like out, regardless of outcome, is the quickest and least painful way to move on from those feelings. And judging by everything the OP said, I don't think this will work out well, but it will at least be resolved.