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So...babies...
Disrupter
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Yesterday my wife of 3 months or so told me she had something she wanted to talk to me about. She told me that she was a few days late and that she hadnt felt well and was scared she was preggers.
So we rushed off to the local grocery store and bought a test (and some slim jims).
Well, she peed on it and at first i thought it was a negative, but after looking closer it was definately positive (that second line was a bit of a dick). She did another test to confirm and it was even more conclusive. I then took a 3rd test to see what would happen, I am not pregnant.
She was on birth control when it happened. Though...I will address this in a moment.
I have constantly expressed a desire to be married for like 2-3 years before kids. Enjoy our relative youth while we have it. This is obviously out the window. I am very scared that my life as I know it is over. My wife, knowing how I felt about babies and our future knows that I am not very happy. So, I assured her that everything will be fine and that its just ahead of schedule but we will be ok.
But, to be honest, Im scared as shit. I cant even imagine myself as a father. I know folks are going to say that I shouldnt have had sex if I wasnt prepared. But...that ship has sailed, and lets face it, Im not going to NOT bang my wife.
Financially, I have no idea what to expect. We arent exactly "just making ends meet." but we arent exactly rolling in dough either. We definately cant afford her to quit her job to raise a kid.
So, first and foremost. What do we do next? I assume a doctor but my wife says you are supposed to wait a few weeks before going. But to be honest, I am not sure when it happened, so for all I know the buns been cooking 2 months already.
Secondly, what do i do about my fears. I am pretty convicned I am going to resent and dislike my kid. Right now I have zero excitement or emotional attachment. Im just like "well there goes any enjoyment out of life." My other fear is I may resent my wife. I dont right now. I love her a ton. But...this goes back to the birth control-
She was off her control for a bit when it ran out two months ago. One night, she convinced me to have sex. She was just finished with her "time of the month" and assured me that odds of pregnancy were about as low as birth control at that point. I resisted and really didnt want to risk it, but she convinced me. Later I googled and found out that though the odds are lower, they are still a good chance. I asked her to take the day after pill and she never did. I am pretty sure this is why we got pregnant.
I know she also blames her self for this. And its hard, because I love her and dont want her to feel bad and dont want to hurt her and be mean to her by admitting I feel any sort of blame... But a part of me is definately like "FUCK! Why didnt you listen the first 4 times I said no! Why didnt you take plan B? Now our lives are done!"
This is a bit over-stated. I am not actually mad or anything, but logically, I do place more blame on her then I do me, which makes me feel shitty.
So...what do we do next and how do I make sure this doesnt ruin my life completely? How do I express my concerns/feelings to my wife without being a huge dick and making her cry. She already started balling when she told me because she knows what Ive said in the past. Saying it now, saying any sort of negative feeling about this situation seems selfish and mean..
So we rushed off to the local grocery store and bought a test (and some slim jims).
Well, she peed on it and at first i thought it was a negative, but after looking closer it was definately positive (that second line was a bit of a dick). She did another test to confirm and it was even more conclusive. I then took a 3rd test to see what would happen, I am not pregnant.
She was on birth control when it happened. Though...I will address this in a moment.
I have constantly expressed a desire to be married for like 2-3 years before kids. Enjoy our relative youth while we have it. This is obviously out the window. I am very scared that my life as I know it is over. My wife, knowing how I felt about babies and our future knows that I am not very happy. So, I assured her that everything will be fine and that its just ahead of schedule but we will be ok.
But, to be honest, Im scared as shit. I cant even imagine myself as a father. I know folks are going to say that I shouldnt have had sex if I wasnt prepared. But...that ship has sailed, and lets face it, Im not going to NOT bang my wife.
Financially, I have no idea what to expect. We arent exactly "just making ends meet." but we arent exactly rolling in dough either. We definately cant afford her to quit her job to raise a kid.
So, first and foremost. What do we do next? I assume a doctor but my wife says you are supposed to wait a few weeks before going. But to be honest, I am not sure when it happened, so for all I know the buns been cooking 2 months already.
Secondly, what do i do about my fears. I am pretty convicned I am going to resent and dislike my kid. Right now I have zero excitement or emotional attachment. Im just like "well there goes any enjoyment out of life." My other fear is I may resent my wife. I dont right now. I love her a ton. But...this goes back to the birth control-
She was off her control for a bit when it ran out two months ago. One night, she convinced me to have sex. She was just finished with her "time of the month" and assured me that odds of pregnancy were about as low as birth control at that point. I resisted and really didnt want to risk it, but she convinced me. Later I googled and found out that though the odds are lower, they are still a good chance. I asked her to take the day after pill and she never did. I am pretty sure this is why we got pregnant.
I know she also blames her self for this. And its hard, because I love her and dont want her to feel bad and dont want to hurt her and be mean to her by admitting I feel any sort of blame... But a part of me is definately like "FUCK! Why didnt you listen the first 4 times I said no! Why didnt you take plan B? Now our lives are done!"
This is a bit over-stated. I am not actually mad or anything, but logically, I do place more blame on her then I do me, which makes me feel shitty.
So...what do we do next and how do I make sure this doesnt ruin my life completely? How do I express my concerns/feelings to my wife without being a huge dick and making her cry. She already started balling when she told me because she knows what Ive said in the past. Saying it now, saying any sort of negative feeling about this situation seems selfish and mean..
Disrupter on
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You should see a therapist about this so you can talk about your feelings without worrying about being judged. You really need to work through those feelings of blame if you want to have a healthy relationship. I'd also suggest seeing a financial planner so you can get everything taken care of there with setting aside money and making sure you're in a good place for the baby.
Have your wife find out what she needs for FMLA leave and start looking for day care NOW. Day care gets very competitive and there can easily be 6 month waiting lists. Check with your health insurance to find out what maternity costs are covered, not all coverage is created equal. You can check with your company for the policy on paternity leave too.
Really my main thing is, im scared, and Im not that excited, and I do not know how to talk to my wife about these things without it hurting her. But I definately dont want to just put on a fake smile and lie to her and tell her im super pumped when the truth is, Im not.
Financial planning sounds like a decent idea. Though, I may just see my parents for that. They have always been good with helping me sort my finances and keep things budgeted.
I will have her call her doctor ASAP. As for the other stuff, daycare etc. I always heard you shouldnt jump right into all that because a lot of things can happen very early in a pregnancy. So you dont do things like buy baby clothes or cribs or daycare or tell family until a few months in. Is this true? Or is this just some urban legend where people feel they jinx their baby?
I'm not sure what kind of weekend clubbing or spontaneous getaways to Paris you guys normally do that this will ruin, but you're saying that you wanted kids anyway, just not right away. I know enough people who have had unplanned children (as in, NEVER wanted children), and every single one of them was pretty apprehensive. In the end though, they love those kids. Do some reading about pregnancy and childbirth, and the sort of things you'll need to expect in the first year or so. Attachment will happen over the course of things or it won't, but the fact is that it probably will, and your capacity to love a baby would not magically have sprouted or whatever in 2-3 years' time if it isn't at least there in spirit now.
I was going to make some sort of DIY suggestion involving a wire coat-hanger and a blowtorch but then I thought it would be crass and insensitive.
Don't start buying stuff, do start doing research to figure out what is a good price and what things you like/don't like.
Do get yourself on daycare waiting lists. Unless you are in a very small town putting yourself on a daycare waiting lists isn't going to raise any eyebrows if later you call back and ask to be removed. I know people who started putting themselves on daycare waiting lists before they actually got pregnant and many people put themselves on several lists so daycares expect people to call back and remove themselves all the time. There won't be any awkward conversations asking why you no longer need day care.
Sorry, I can't be of much help with the emotional stuff. Just out of curiosity, but why do you think children will end your enjoyment of life? That seems like a very odd thought to have.
everyone EVERYONE is scared of their first baby.
I threw up for the first week after my son was born I was so nervous.
Nothing will make that go away except time. Being prepared will help, but not alleviate all feelings of 'oh my god he's so tiny and why is he crying and his umbilical cord is still attached like a little stub'
I have a 6 month old right now and last night he tried to crawl for the first time. I just sat next to him with a sappy assed grin on my face that didn't go away for 10 or 15 minutes.
Advice!
Start buying diapers like your baby is already born around the 3 or 4 month mark. Buy at least one thing of premie diapers and two or three #1 boxes. #2 diapers he will be in for a good long while more than likely.
We found it a lot easier to just have the diapers at hand (they are long gone now, but were great the first few months).
this is the biggest piece of advice you will ever get.
babys cry.
sometimes there is nothing you can do. They're fed, warm, dry, burped, walked and if need be oragelled (for their teeth) etc. and they're still crying, lay them down and relax somewhere else for 5 or 10 minutes. Your baby is fine.
also, fyi. The umbilical cord is not completely removed at birth and will remain partially attached for a couple weeks until it shrivels up and falls off.
no one told me this and I was upset as hell in the hospital.
edit: This Book is awesome for new parents.
That said, unless you have people to watch your child, you won't be going out for the next few years, so just get ready for that. You can still find plenty of things to do as a family, though, so you won't just be sitting in the dark, but if you just love getting your swerve on and passing out in the neighbor's shrubs, well, guess what... you're a parent now (maybe).
For instance if she's the bread winner and you pull in $10,000 a year, it'd be cheaper for you to stay home and take care of the child.
2) Your life isn't over. I just had 4 kids 6 months ago and I'm still the same guy. I have friends over every couple of weeks to play Halo, and I get some game time in when I'm not doing homework (last class of my master's degree) after the kids are asleep.
3) Honestly, if you really feel like you are going to resent and/or dislike your child you should talk to a counselor. Your feelings are normal because life _does_ change when you have kids, but it doesn't take the old you, throw it a way, and replace it with a new no-fun all-work you.
4) Advice:
- If something is wrong, try to burp them, then see if they need a new diaper, see if they're bored (mine just got to this stage), see if they're bored of whatever toy they've got now (mine rotate between a tummy time mat, an exersaucer, and a swing), see if they are hungry (if you bottle feed those little 2oz travel bottles are great quick snacks), see if they just want some attention. You'd be amazed how quickly the tears stop when you or your wife picks them up for a cuddle.
- Echo again, but sometimes kids cry and there's nothing you can do to make it better. It's not horrible to put them in their crib and shut the door. You know they're breathing because they're crying.
Oh, and check if either of your works will reimburse for childcare. If not, it may be more cost effective for one of you to stay home or shift your schedule so that maybe your wife works days and you work swings. If that doesn't work, and you really do both have to work, do either of you have parents in town or halfway flexible work schedules? If you can both work 4 10s and you work Monday through Thursday while your wife works Friday through Monday you could probably lean on a set of grandparents to watch the little dude on Mondays while both of you work.
Going to get blacklisted for this but here: it is the 21st century. You don't have to have this kid and its not some blessing. We have the technology to have it go away rather clean. When you are ready for kids then you two can actually go for it then. Of course for the abortion it will have to be decided by the both of you with more choice on her end.
I don't find that odd, I honestly don't know a single guy who'd jump with joy at a pregnancy. No guy is truly a father until they first hold their child... and even then a few aren't. Women have this vision that all men want kids, and most guys just don't. I for one, would be more then happy to never have a kid anywhere near me let alone a kid of my own... but that stems from my own issues with my parents/childhood.
Get to the Dr. ASAP, they will fill you in on a lot of the technicalities. Make sure the Dr. is someone both you and your wife like and trust.
Biggest Thing -- You're life DOES NOT end when you have kids. It changes. But its not over. You have to adjust your priorities a little but you'll still have time for everything you want to do.
And the other big thing -- the baby is always growing and getting stronger. The first three months are an interesting period. The baby does little more than wiggle and cry.
But eventually you'll walk in your house and they'll be bouncing in a saucer, turn around and see you and light up like its the greatest day in the world. And to them it is -- because you ARE their world.
When I get home from work and see my daughter catch a glimpse of me and just smile ear to ear and reach those little arms up for me to pick her up. Its really hard to describe that feeling.
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
We didnt have condoms. No, there was no gun, but she did keep pressuring me after a few "nos" and she did tell me that you really couldnt get knocked up right after your period. Like I said, I am not mad. I just am afraid that if I hate life with a baby, I might turn my current thought process into resentment then. Yes its my fault too. And yes, saying anything like this to her would be a dick move. Hence why I am trying to work those feelings out here instead.
Though, therapy may be the best option in regards of that.
But she did have her period the month following that event. Though, it could just have been blotting. I guess we will know once we see a doctor if the time frame fit. I hope that it doesnt, and that this just happened despite birth control last month rather then because of our poor choice 2 months ago. It would be a lot easier to swallow that way.
As for why I think my life is over with a baby? They seem like a ton of work. I feel, right now, I get up at 5-6, go to work. Get home at 6-7. Cook dinner. And then watch TV and pass out and its not a ton of fun. Its sort of a live for the weekend mode. My free time is limited as it is. Laundry, dishes, general cleaning all seems to fall behind a bit too much even right now. Throw a baby into that mix and it seems like I will have zero free time.
I guess whats nice is my parents live 5-10 minutes away and my mom is bored all the time. Im sure shed make a fantastic baby sitter when we need one.
I also hear sleeping is impossible. Though, im pretty sure I have sleep apnea and never sleep fro more then 30minutes-1hour at a time anyway, so feeding a baby every few hours probably wont kill me there.
We like to party on the weekends, drink with friends, go out. All this is definately gone. I like to play videogames and relax on sundays. A kid running around is going to end that. Heck I had to drop starcraft because our new cat was too much work to play SC2 around. I cant imagine a baby!
We never took a honey moon, and were planning to in a month or two. But half the fun was going to be getting drunk on a beach and stuff- if she cant drink, not sure a big honey moon is worth it right now.
I make at 55k she makes about 40k. In theory we should be fine financially even if we have to pay for daycare. But right now, somehow we arent exactly saving a ton. I guess the fact we wont be going out to bars blowing 100-200 a weekend on food, drinks and cabs will help offset that a bit.
Neither of us have super flexible schedules, but I am allowed to work from home some times. I may be able to talk with my boss and switch this to a semi-regular 2-3 days a week thing when the time comes.
Abortion is pretty much out of the picture. I logically do not believe in it as I have no idea when a life starts. My wife isnt against it, but has stated its not for her. Plus, it seems pretty crazy to have an abortion and then want a baby 3 years from now. What if, for whatever reason we cant have one? Thatd suck.
Plus, it just seems selfish. We are likely going to provide a good life for a kid...hopefully.
DO NOT BE INTIMIDATED.
I can tear through a mud butt full diaper like a pit crew in nascar. You can time me.
Of Note -- I am a much better diaper changer than my Wife. I am not, however, a better diaper changer than my mother. I swear that woman is a baby poop ninja.
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
The one good thing that I can see coming from this is I want to frame the receipt we bought the test in and give it to my kid when they are like 17-18.
For some reason I find buying a pregnancy test, two slim jims and nothing else to be hilarious.
She should really go to a doctor for a blood test, though. Despite being a statistical minority, birth control does fail. I wouldn't wait to do this, but definitely wait a month or two before telling family. Trust me on that one.
Also, this is probably a no-brainer and doesn't need to be said, but she needs to be on a prenatal vitamin like yesterday.
Also, the hugeness of this situation is most likely fueling your angst. Its like your whole world has come crashing down and you feel trapped into a situation you were not prepared for. That feeling will pass as get used to the idea that you are going to be a dad.
You said before that you wanted kids, and this is just ahead of schedule. So, its not ideal but it is not the worst thing ever.
Best thing to do is..
1. See a doctor and get you both on a healthy life style. Get the wife on the prenatal vitamins and follow the doctors advice on healthy eating/living.
2. Get your finances in order. You have a little while before the baby comes, so use that time to pay off some debt or save some cash to give yourself a cushion.
3. Start looking at child care options. You said that you can't afford to have your wife quit her job. So, you will need to look at ways to have your child looked after while you are at work. The state frowns on a cage.. even really nice cages.
If you have family near by, will they watch the kid during the week, even just a few days? What day care services are near by that you could use? They will be shockingly expensive for a newborn. There may be a waiting list as well, so go to some interviews and see if you like any of them.
4. Make a list of things that you wanted to do with the wife that are not baby friendly, and see if you can do any of those now. Like, a trip without a tag-a-long, probably not the aforementioned orgy.
5. Relax, this is going to happen weather you like it or not. So its up to you weather you want to be a silly goose about it, or try to take it in stride.
6. Support your wife, you think you are unhappy now? What about her? She has to go throw the whole baby making process, you did your bit already. She would be freaking out under the best of circumstances.
You think you are having a hard time now. Keep being a silly goose and see how fun single parenthood can be.
Good luck man, and congratulations, you are going to be a dad, that's a pretty cool deal.
And no, we obviously dont need to get hammered to have fun on our honeymoon. But if im spending thousands of dollars on a trip, id prefere it be a time when we can enjoy all aspects of it. Plus, I dont know how my work handles paternity. I may need my vacation for baby time...
And it doesnt seem wise to blow a few grand before having a kid. I could get a badass crib.
Am I being a goose? I know some of my thoughts arent the best. But, if I need to I will go talk to a professional about those issues. I havent and wont hurt my wife with them...
If it doesn't have racing stripes, it's not fit to sleep on.
Advise: Start buying diapers now! Buy all sizes and have a few packs of each size around except newborn. My kid never used those.
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
Heres the thing about me and a baby, like I said, I DO want one some day. So its easy for me to see the upside. The problem is, I feel like me and my wife just started our lives together and now we are going to miss out on that time of just being us. That sucks to me, a lot. I like her. I dont want to share her with a kid yet.
I really like the idea of thinking of stuff we wanted to do, and doing it. Sort of a pre-natal bucket list!
On the plus side, I have a pretty reliable DD for the next 6-9 months
You won't break your kid. They're pretty much made of rubber when they're little. And they'll let you know when something hurts and you should stop doing it. They can't communicate much, but they've got "OW!" down from birth.
My wife and I love going to the Zoo together -- but havent for a while because of our daughter. She turns 1 in April and we're already planning our first trip to the Zoo this summer with all three of us
I know your list might have big things like "take a cruise", "go globe hopping", etc.
If you still really want to do those things having a kid isn't going to stop you -- it might postpone you, but not stop.
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
You can still do all of that stuff. Some of it can be done as a family, and some of it will mean getting your kid ready for a weekend at Grandma's while you and your wife go to Vegas. Having a kid does mean that your life is over - it means that your life is different.
This is all very fresh and new, and the vastness of the situation is crushing you. Give it time, it will get better. Like you said, abortion is not an option for you. So, the kid is coming and this is happening.
How you feel about having a kid is up to you, its all in your head.
You make plenty of cash, you have family close by, a job that allows you flexible work schedules. You are in a great place.
It is within your power to get control of your finances. It is within your power to assuage many of your fears. or you can continue to worry. But, worrying is like a rocking chair. Its something to do for a while, but it won't go anywhere.
As for being scared of breaking the little child, listen to the above posters. They are pretty resilient, it will be OK.
And it was. Julia was never an unholy terror like some babies. Infact, my sister was jealous of how easy she is to take care of.
By 3 months we had her sleeping through the night. (Definition -- Sleeping through the night is about 6-8 hours of solid non-waking sleep in one go. Do not expect your baby to sleep in till noon on saturdays because its your day off.)
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
me too
you won't, the same way I didn't
It is hard to break a baby accidentally. How many stories have you heard about babies being dropped on their heads and turning out just fine?
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
I have 2 sons now and they are just so awesome. Basically, stop worrying, don't blame your wife or anyone else.
Print out your post and look at it a year from now. I bet you will say "who was that asshole?"
90k is more than enough to raise one kid on.