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Unhealthy Unrelationship
Xego
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Original OP spoilered
TL;DR
Happy amazing relationship of 2 years goes rocky the last few months due to my own problems with depression. Fixed myself and am now in a great place having positive experiences and improving myself. My SO however has now become the one with possible depression/stress related problems. I want to work through it, but she is acting in a very immature and emotionally fueled manner. In the course of one week we've gone from very happy couple to not even talking to eachother. Is there any way to gracefully deal with this situation without FUBARing the relationship?
I have a problem and her name is, lets say, Kacie. I've been dating Kacie since senior year of high school. We broke up over stupid teenager miscommunication right after graduation. Fast forward a year when she comes home for the summer from college and we get back together. It really was great. I got all my stuff together to go down to her college with her but when I got there I had a massive anxiety attack and just had to leave. I really regret the decision but what can you do. Anyways, I end up catching mono from her (awesome) and spend the next few months sick and in bed. She then joins a sorority and breaks up with me over the phone (also awesome). Fast forward again 3 more years and shes graduated from college and surprise surprise we get back together.
But it's different this time. We fall in love. It's amazing, the happiest either of us have ever been. Now I had been working as an EMT for a while and was considering going back to school to pursue a degree and get into dental school. Up to this point as well I have been living with my parents. So august of last year my father got a job on the other side of the country. I stay in the crappy town with my brother living at my uncles house waiting till the spring semester started to move off to go to a big boy college and not sissy community college. Apparently something happened to me. I'm still not sure what it was but I became an asshole. It might have been being talked down to all the time by my fundie uncles family or having abandonment issues from the rest of my family leaving but its still not much of an excuse. Anyways I spend most of the fall just being a jerk to Kacie and she basically just takes it. She doesn't really bring it up or talk to me about it or anything, just bottles up all these bad feelings shes having and doesn't deal with it. Well not until I'm thousands of miles away visiting my family for winter break. Then everything comes out. I've been terrible to her, I've been this, I've been that, she feels this, she feels that, etc.
I'm totally blindsided, I thought everything was okay. I do a little review of the last little while and realize that shes right. I then fall into a guilt fed depressive state for the rest of my trip. I stopped eating and sleeping and the whole bit. I also then found out my financial aid for college wasn't going to be as much as I was hoping for. By this time I'm just ready to give up on everything. I figured I would do another semester at community college and be close to Kacie so that we can work things out. She's told me again and again that she wants us to work out and that shes been the happiest shes ever been with up up until that fall. So I call her up while I'm still on vacation and tell her my plan to stay "home" and be with her. Then she drops the bomb.
Shes moving back down to her college town. Her plan was to commute between where we lived (City A) and her college town (city C) and then be able to stop by and see me at my college town (city
. B is basically halfway between A and C and it wasn't actually a half bad plan. She would drive 3 hours to me and stay the weekend and then keep going another 3 hours to get to whichever city she was working from that week. So I man up and get my act together and make my college plans work. I've never had to actually do anything like this on my own before and I'm in a pretty bad state as it is so it was really hard for me to get it all done. But I did. I got to college, rented an apartment with my brother and got into every class that I needed, everything was perfect. Except for the gf situation.
At her work the woman who trained her died in a freak accident. Kacies never dealt with death before. Kacie never really dealt with her feelings well in general. This death pushed back her plans to move by a week and that was upsetting to her, but not as upsetting as not knowing how to deal with the death in the first place. So she does eventually get to leave and move. On her way down to her place she stops by and sees me and we have a wonderful time. We're really lovey dovey, holding eachother and kissing and everything good. We talk about how maybe I could go down and visit her the next weekend and just make plans in general.
This was last weekend. In the space of a single week we went from both wanting to make the relationship work to her becoming crazy wreak job. We barely talked, mostly texted. She didn't invite me down to her place this weekend because her roommates parents were supposed to be there (lie). She blocked me on facebook after she told me she was crying about something and I asked what was wrong.
Now heres the thing. I know whats going on. Her moving away was her version of going out and proving herself to the world, and it wasn't going as well as she thought. She was working from home and it was hard. Her friends were annoying her all the time when she was trying to work. She is still dealing with the death of her coworker. She is just a mess.
I figure that the relationship for now is over but the problem is I still love her and I feel for her right now. I know that she's going through and I'm an easy target for her to put the blame on since I'm not really around. I also feel like she might be punishing me for what I put her through in the past as well. It really hurts to see someone you care about so much go through something like this, especially when they don't want you or your help.
So, I know the answer to my problem here is to move on... But I don't want to. What I want to happen is that she comes to her senses and gets her life together. I don't want to be mad at her, I still want to be with her. If she did a 180 tomorrow I would take her back in a heartbeat. I'm not sure how to deal with these feelings right now. It's the worst really on the weekends when I don't have much to do. This week should go alright since I'll be busy with classes and whatnot, but going to bed or being alone or just thinking really screws with my head right now. I still really love her and want to work all this out but I need to try to focus on my own stuff.
How do I deal with this (hopefully temporary?) insanity by a formerish SO?
But it's different this time. We fall in love. It's amazing, the happiest either of us have ever been. Now I had been working as an EMT for a while and was considering going back to school to pursue a degree and get into dental school. Up to this point as well I have been living with my parents. So august of last year my father got a job on the other side of the country. I stay in the crappy town with my brother living at my uncles house waiting till the spring semester started to move off to go to a big boy college and not sissy community college. Apparently something happened to me. I'm still not sure what it was but I became an asshole. It might have been being talked down to all the time by my fundie uncles family or having abandonment issues from the rest of my family leaving but its still not much of an excuse. Anyways I spend most of the fall just being a jerk to Kacie and she basically just takes it. She doesn't really bring it up or talk to me about it or anything, just bottles up all these bad feelings shes having and doesn't deal with it. Well not until I'm thousands of miles away visiting my family for winter break. Then everything comes out. I've been terrible to her, I've been this, I've been that, she feels this, she feels that, etc.
I'm totally blindsided, I thought everything was okay. I do a little review of the last little while and realize that shes right. I then fall into a guilt fed depressive state for the rest of my trip. I stopped eating and sleeping and the whole bit. I also then found out my financial aid for college wasn't going to be as much as I was hoping for. By this time I'm just ready to give up on everything. I figured I would do another semester at community college and be close to Kacie so that we can work things out. She's told me again and again that she wants us to work out and that shes been the happiest shes ever been with up up until that fall. So I call her up while I'm still on vacation and tell her my plan to stay "home" and be with her. Then she drops the bomb.
Shes moving back down to her college town. Her plan was to commute between where we lived (City A) and her college town (city C) and then be able to stop by and see me at my college town (city
. B is basically halfway between A and C and it wasn't actually a half bad plan. She would drive 3 hours to me and stay the weekend and then keep going another 3 hours to get to whichever city she was working from that week. So I man up and get my act together and make my college plans work. I've never had to actually do anything like this on my own before and I'm in a pretty bad state as it is so it was really hard for me to get it all done. But I did. I got to college, rented an apartment with my brother and got into every class that I needed, everything was perfect. Except for the gf situation.At her work the woman who trained her died in a freak accident. Kacies never dealt with death before. Kacie never really dealt with her feelings well in general. This death pushed back her plans to move by a week and that was upsetting to her, but not as upsetting as not knowing how to deal with the death in the first place. So she does eventually get to leave and move. On her way down to her place she stops by and sees me and we have a wonderful time. We're really lovey dovey, holding eachother and kissing and everything good. We talk about how maybe I could go down and visit her the next weekend and just make plans in general.
This was last weekend. In the space of a single week we went from both wanting to make the relationship work to her becoming crazy wreak job. We barely talked, mostly texted. She didn't invite me down to her place this weekend because her roommates parents were supposed to be there (lie). She blocked me on facebook after she told me she was crying about something and I asked what was wrong.
Now heres the thing. I know whats going on. Her moving away was her version of going out and proving herself to the world, and it wasn't going as well as she thought. She was working from home and it was hard. Her friends were annoying her all the time when she was trying to work. She is still dealing with the death of her coworker. She is just a mess.
I figure that the relationship for now is over but the problem is I still love her and I feel for her right now. I know that she's going through and I'm an easy target for her to put the blame on since I'm not really around. I also feel like she might be punishing me for what I put her through in the past as well. It really hurts to see someone you care about so much go through something like this, especially when they don't want you or your help.
So, I know the answer to my problem here is to move on... But I don't want to. What I want to happen is that she comes to her senses and gets her life together. I don't want to be mad at her, I still want to be with her. If she did a 180 tomorrow I would take her back in a heartbeat. I'm not sure how to deal with these feelings right now. It's the worst really on the weekends when I don't have much to do. This week should go alright since I'll be busy with classes and whatnot, but going to bed or being alone or just thinking really screws with my head right now. I still really love her and want to work all this out but I need to try to focus on my own stuff.
How do I deal with this (hopefully temporary?) insanity by a formerish SO?
TL;DR
Happy amazing relationship of 2 years goes rocky the last few months due to my own problems with depression. Fixed myself and am now in a great place having positive experiences and improving myself. My SO however has now become the one with possible depression/stress related problems. I want to work through it, but she is acting in a very immature and emotionally fueled manner. In the course of one week we've gone from very happy couple to not even talking to eachother. Is there any way to gracefully deal with this situation without FUBARing the relationship?
Xego on
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But hey.
Let me validate your Girl Problems Thread Parking:
Bail. Tell her you're going to stop calling and then stop calling.
So either stick it out, tell her you feel like you're being ignored and you want to support her or leave. The latter option sounds like what you want to do to me.
Exactly. Just end it once and for all and date someone else.
What Monroe said.
Go out, go to the gym, hang out with your friends, find new friends to hang out with, resurrect some old hobbies, learn new hobbies, and just generally get on with your life.
e: And for an additional Girl Perspective - it sounds like she's broken up with you without saying that she broke up with you. It's a shitty way to do things, but hey, some people don't have the nuts to say it to their SO's face.
I totally agree with what you're saying and I am actively doing all the things you say I should do. This isn't really about me getting on with life. I know that I'm going to be fine. I just really care for this girl and she's in a very bad state right now. I don't want to break it off or force a confrontation or anything like that. I guess the only thing I can do is just wait and see what happens to her for the next while? Really sucks to not be able to do anything about it...
Believe me, I understand. It took me years of self-examination and therapy to realize that you know what? I am not responsible for other people's happiness.
Yes, I am completely 100% supportive of my family and friends when they need me. Yes, I would move mountains if they asked me. But I am not going to sit around and worry that they might not be ok if they say no thanks, I'm good right now - or if they don't tell me at all.
Let her go. Let her figure her life out. Let her live her life and go live yours.
This thing. This is the thing.
The only add-on I would have is that I wouldn't wait or even hope for a reconnection. All relationships have thier issues, and if dealing things up with this person consistantly puts you in a bad place, then don't have a relationship with that person. Hopefully you'll find a relationship wherein when things get hard, everybody's moving forward and its still not that bad.
Tough break though bud, I feel for you.