Long Distance Relationships

Dhalphir

My fiancee and I are 7 hours apart, but I'm 7 ahead, so when she's just waking up its mid afternoon for me and I get home from work, then we have my afternoon and evening to chat, then its off to bed.

Apolloh

So this isn't related to the long distance, but it is a thing in the relationship so i thought i would bring it up because it has been troubling me.

Before we went steady we had been dating and hanging out a bunch; i didn't really want to make the plunge of commitment until i figured out the girl was worth it. I'm prefacing what i'm about to say because we technically weren't in a relationship at the moment i'm about to divulge.

The Friday night before i was going to have a Christmas party at my house, she got really drunk at a frat party and slept with another guy. I had a feeling she had done it, because she was acting very odd the next day, and the night she did it she didn't talk to me once.

Now at first when i thought it had happened, i didn't care. I was acting pretty arrogant and was like, "Well she's here with me now, who cares about guy Y?" But it kinda cut me deep, and when i asked her about it at the Christmas party, she denied it until she was blue in the face.

Well a week before she left for Vienna, i asked her one more time to be honest, and she told me what she had done. I felt terrible about it, and i didn't think i would react with such sadness about it. I had pretty much figured out it had happened, dealt with it, and built a relationship with the girl; she did the same.

I know she didn't really cheat on me and for that reason i can't be angry with her, i knew that from the get go. But it still hurts, and it definitely comes up occasionally in my mind how well she was able to keep it a secret until the day she told me. My question is, how do i overcome these hurt feelings? We're very happy with one another right now and we've built something great, but i get these occasional pangs of sadness because she did it.

Dr. Frenchenstein

i'd be wary she was able to lie to you about it. But honestly you do need to get over it if you want to continue the relationship. Whatever you do, don't use it as ammo during an argument.

Apolloh

Yeah i think i'm over it.

It's nothing to blow my nose over especially when i wasnt in a steady relationship with the girl at that point.

ceres

I submit to you that if you didn't ever believe her then she's really not that good a liar. She was probably hoping that because it was in her past it could also be in yours, and not telling you, or telling you it didn't happen, would mean you'd drop it.

Not the best way to handle it, probably, but I doubt it means anything.

Apolloh

Doubt it means anything in what sense? I'm sorry if i didn't pick it up.

ceres

I mean that I doubt it means anything that she didn't come right out and share her most recent lay with her just-made boyfriend other than "man I really don't want to talk about my christmas party hookup with this guy I'm kind of excited about".

Apolloh

Ah, i got you. It doesn't mean jack because when she found she had a good thing going with me and she was actually getting serious she wanted to build it up instead of bogging it down with something menial and should have no real impact on the relationship as a whole.

Gotcha, just needed a reality check.

GalFriday

Apolloh wrote: »

Hey all,

My questions are really: Do any of you think that long distance relationships can work? There's a specific return date and it's only for a few months. If you don't think so, why, and if you do think so, i would appreciate some tips on how to go about keeping the relationship going.

They can totally work! Long distance relationships are not nearly as fun as being with the person that you fancy, but they can work. Tips? Sure....

1. Keep the communication open! Talk every night if you can, talk about nothing at all, talk about your days, keep each other up to date on what is going on in your respective lives

2. Write! Writing to one another can be a great way to keep in touch. In my case, when I was feeling especially swoony over my long-distance beau I wrote him a card or letter and then mailed it to him. This turned into a weekly ritual and allowed me to feel more connected while not being on a phone call schedule.

3. Admit that you miss each other. It is okay to miss being with one another, it is important to keep in mind that she misses you too but do not dwell on it

4. Continue to be human! The last thing that I wanted was for the person I had fallen for to be cooped up not going out on Fridays and Saturdays just because I wasn't around. Both you and your partner need to stay social and happy otherwise the long distance relationship will seem more like a burden than it is.

5. Get excited to see one another; when it is about time for her to come home, make some plans to go out or to see some things that she hasn't seen in a while

6. A bit more about #4. TRUST HER! Oh my goodness, the number of times I heard stories about a certain someone's wild weekends, I always knew that he had done nothing that would jeopardize our relationship because I trusted him. It is so important to be able to trust the person that you are with, and not naive trust, but real, honest, 'If I fall back you will catch me' trust. If you do not trust this gal of yours you will be constantly worryign abotu what she is doing and whom she is with.... no good.

Long distance relationships work. True story.

Apolloh

Tomorrow should be a good barometer. It should be our first Skype date, she's getting a wireless adapter for her computer tomorrow so she has internet in the house. Just got to Vienna apparently.

She's been pretty consistent with her contact, and things have been good! Apparently i've been doing a good job so far during these two weeks because the words "understanding" and "amazing" came up, "lucky to be with" as well.

The big thing is that she's kept her word for when she's been able to talk to me and when she hasn't, and that's probably the best i can ask for.

EDIT: Yes, GalFriday, on #5 i've already gotten some ideas kicking around in my head. First weekend she gets back we're going on a road trip to California so she can see San Francisco (where im from), and i can show her the ins and outs of the city. When we get back the following weekend, shes going to show me around Bozeman (where she's from) and more of the bits of Montana i haven't seen yet. I am veeery excited for that.

Kazaka

Updates, man, updates on skype-dates!
Did things go swimmingly?

Good work on the new Raider.

Apolloh

She just got internet access in Vienna and wants to chat tomorrow when i have a break in my schedule (Vienna is 8 hours ahead).

Thing is though she suggested Skyping this weekend...and i was more thinking that Skype was going to be the main vessel of communication when she was all settled in. Gonna bring that up with her as that is what i'd prefer.

I'm pretty disappointed actually, i hadn't heard from her in like three days chat-wise because she was traveling and "getting settled" but her message responses have been sparse, and she did have access to the internet on one of those days at least. I'm gonna go with the flow and just say it was because she was shifting from a hostel in Germany to her host family in Austria, but i don't want this to become a pattern.

EDIT: Should i be concerned at all?

lonelyahava

and if it does become a pattern?

you're going to have to be a bit flexible, trust me on this, the time zones can be a bitch and a half. yes, she possibly could have sent you more, but getting settled in a new house with new people and a whole new family, she was probably running around like a headless chicken.

Relax, don't take it too personal, and just go with the flow. Seriously, you'll both be happier in the long run.

ceres

People do get busy. It's very important to make time for each other, but do keep in mind that if she were living 20 minutes away you wouldn't expect her to be cinched to your hip at all times. She would probably have things she wanted to do and friends she wanted to see and get busy with work or school, and those things wouldn't always happen with you along. It's just like that, and now that she's in a new place and has things to see, for a little while that's going to be the case more frequently. I'm sure you wouldn't want it to be otherwise if you really thought about it.

Things will settle back down. Try to put yourself in her shoes. It's really only for a very short time, and that very short time is all the time she'll get for this experience. It sounds like she's keeping dates (which is a very good sign in itself, by the way) even if they're less frequent now than you'd like. Be patient, don't drive yourself crazy. Things will settle down, and really? She'll be back soon.

Cryogen

Apolloh wrote: »

EDIT: Should i be concerned at all?

Yes, you should be concerned. Be concerned that you're going to make yourself appear clingy and needy, and you might damage your relationship as a result. You've really got to try and put yourself in her shoes a bit here. She's in a new country and there's going to be all sorts of things to see and people to meet. Especially at first, she's going to be enjoying that experience. It might be hard for you to relate to right at this moment because nothing has changed for you, you are living your normal life. Let her enjoy the experience - it's only a short time she's there and it isn't something we get the chance to experience many times in our lives. Be supportive and let her have fun.

She hasn't given you any reason for concern so far. Believe me, I have more than my share of trust issues with women, and I see a lot of myself reflected in that last post of yours. If you don't figure out a way to pull yourself back from your worries a bit, you're going to damage your relationship.

Apolloh

I figured as much. Thanks for the advice everyone, i'll update soon.

I'm in no way trying to constrain her, by the by, Cryogen. I want her to go out and have fun and explore and such. I just want the good communication we've had to keep going and its lagged the past few days.

But you're all right. People get busy, she's in Vienna doing her thing. I'm totally happy that she is.

The only question i have is on the clingy and needy bit. I remember reading, on Vivixiennes blog actually, that while during the course of a normal close distance relationship the constant and incessant contact and communication might seem over the top, in a LDR its sort of a necessity. At what point would you say, that it becomes too overbearing? I asked a friend of mine this question earlier today and got her thoughts on it, i'm interested to hear other people's.

lonelyahava

Ecco and I talked almost every night while we were apart. To be fair though, we started going out November of 09, spent a week together in DC in January 10, and then the week of PAX together in Seattle. That was it. We had two weeks together and the rest was with him in new zealand and me on the East Coast of the states.

So we talked almost every night. There were nights when we both wanted some alone time, there were nights when we didn't actually talk, just had each other on over skype in the background. Like he would be working on some programming something, I would be reading, but we would still be on skype, just for the company.

There were even nights where I would fall asleep to the sound of him tap tapping on the keyboard, working on something or other. And there were nights that we would watch movies, play games, or I would help him with some cooking. He'd take me on the laptop into the kitchen, he'd follow my directions and cook himself dinner.

As far as when does the contact become too much? When does it smother? When you demand that everytime the other person is online that they talk to you. And then you don't have too much to say, but you still insist on the talking and the conversation.

But again, being on skype with each other was pretty much all that we had, we knew that I'd be moving to New zealand eventually, but that was still a year away when we made that decision, and we'd only been physically together for a total of two weeks.


There will come a point when you know it's too much. There were times when Ecco just wanted his time alone. But that was alot in part to time zones. By the time he got home, I had already had an entire day to myself and most of the night, whereas he woke up, went to work, came home and spent time with me.

Luckily for you, I hope, by the time things get a bit repetitive, she'll be back in the states and then you have to readjust the relationship back to that setting.

You're doing just fine, just remember the time zones can make things really strange. and difficult. But you're doing just fine. If what's happening feels unnatural or forced, stop doing that. If you need a night to just relax, then take it.

Apolloh

So i talked to her today for about two hours, and things were good! I brought up the availability for next week and she was really receptive, we're definitely Skyping this weekend, which should be awesome because my webcam just came from Amazon and it works beautifully.

I had also gone to a nightclub event downtown and had drunk messaged her telling her i missed her, (Facebook for phones has done terrible things to my drunk texting) and she brought up something i hadn't really thought about: where did we stand in terms of clubbing and dancing with the opposite sex? She mentioned it was harder for a guy to go nightclubbing and dance with his friends because a group of girls can go out, dance with their girlfriends and it was whatever while for guys it was a different dynamic, which is true to an extent.

Because of that she mentioned that she while she didn't like the thought of me dancing with another girl, it was still a little unfair to constrain me while she wasn't around especially when she knew it wouldn't lead to anything. I told her it wasn't a problem and i hadn't really gone out and danced with other women, save one who was a friend of mine and was attempting to get away from a stalker of hers.

I thought i was being lame and she was just attempting to placate me, and then asked me whether i was comfortable with her dancing with guys in Austria if the opportunity presented itself, to which i replied that i felt the same way; it was awkward for me to think about, but i didn't want to be overbearing, especially when nothing would come of it.

Thought she was going to be disappointed that i was uncomfortable with it, but after looking at it again, we were on the same page, and she thought so too. So again, communication wins! We were able to talk about a subject that both of us were a little nervous about, settle on a plan of action that made both of us happy, and went back to talking with one another about stuff that came to mind.

I think this is gonna work.

EDIT: We also have stuff in the mail going out to each other! Win.

ceres

There's less time till she's back every day. You'll be fine.

Apolloh

I think so too, i've settled down a bit.

I'll update next when i talk to her over Skype, first Skype date woop woop

Apolloh

So. We got into a fight.

Not relationship ending by any means but she flew off the handle because i brought some things up about the relationship i wanted to talk about. I didn't really argue much as she was upset.

She wants time to think about what was said and she'll talk to me then. I'm taking that as an impromptu break, but that will not make me do something all of a sudden to compromise the relationship.

I'll wait it out, but yeah, definitely hit a snag.

lonelyahava

ok, slow down.

what kind of fight? what kind of things? I mean, I don't really want to get too much personal into your business, but I've been there before.

Whatever you do, impromptu break or not, if you want this to work, don't be stupid.

Was there screaming, crying, cursing? more like a disagreement?

being apart can be very stressful, on both ends of the bargain. Lord knows Ecco and i had our moments of disagreement. Of course they usually solved themselves by us both taking a day or so apart, taking a few deep breaths, and then apologizing. But depending on the issues, it may or may not be that simple for you and your girl.

we can help, if you want us to. Just don't be silly and go out boozing and whoring tonight. that would be a silly thing (and mostly me joking cause i doubt you'd do that anyway)

Lucid

I don't think you should've been bringing up relationship issues if everything was going alright. Which by what I've read in this thread, it seems that it was.

She likely doesn't want to hear about your insecurities while she's out in another country experiencing an exciting form of independence. This trip for her is about her, you're important as well but you're not there. She wants your encouragement, love and support, not your doubt and uncertainties.

ceres

That's kind of my feeling. Unless one of those things was an immediate relationship-ender, there was no reason to bring that stuff up. Communication is great and all, but you can definitely overdo it.

Less than 10 weeks, dude. Come on.

Apolloh

It's all good now.

We both got a little amped up about nothing.

I now know exactly what not to do concerning what i should be communicating about, lesson learned.

Unless of course as Lucid said, it was a super deal breaker. I pretty much agree with that post entirely, and i was wrong initially to bring some of the issues up because they were trivial.

Apolloh

I'm really starting to feel it. Tomorrow it'll be two months officially until she comes back and it feels like an eon.

I feel like i'm not doing shit and she's off in Europe 'splorin. Seems to me that my life is lame in comparison, which makes me feel lame in comparison, and makes me question her legitimate interest in me.

I mean i am doing stuff, just stuff that sounds stupid and trivial. I feel shitty, basically. Dunno how to get over that.

Why stay in a commitment with me when Austrian superman is sitting right there with his fancy culture?

Not much has changed, we still talk, and we're way over the little fight we had, i just felt like i had to vent and this thread was a good place to do it. Plus it's a half question..(i guess).

ceres

The answer is that this is your insecurity talking and it will be fine. Or you'll break up. Or you'll break up two years from now. Shit happens.

It's only two more months and then she's back. You've made it this far.

Apolloh

I forget sometimes that the universe will not collapse upon itself if this doesn't work out.

Unless i've done my science wrong.

ceres

I've found that even though I've made some terrible, terrible decisions in life, none of them have caused the universe to collapse in on itself. The fact that there is actually likely very little I can do to make that happen has been a comforting thing through the years.

Fantasma

The universe will not collapse, just make sure you have the courage and endurance to avoid collapsing yourself if this dream does not materialize.

lonelyahava

ceres wrote: »

I've found that even though I've made some terrible, terrible decisions in life, none of them have caused the universe to collapse in on itself. The fact that there is actually likely very little I can do to make that happen has been a comforting thing through the years.

ohman. so that. so very very much that.

look, apolloh. This will get better. So it's two months. Guess what. Tomorrow, It's one month and 29 days. or whatever.

This will get better. she will be home. You feel like you're not doing anything?

Then go do it. The time zones will allow for it. Go out, find a nature hike, go swim in a really cold lake. Go to a high school play in the area.

stop moping around the house and then waiting for her to come online to talk to. That is one way to be absolutely miserable. Trust me from personal experience.

OnTheLastCastle

Ceres, you are actually responsible for the coming 2012 apocalypse. Meteors, rivers of blood, dogs and cats living together. :P

But really, like the guy right above me said, you need to get out of the house and NOT wait around for her to get online. That is the most miserable time, I also know it from experience. Just have scheduled time to talk, but don't wait around for her other times.

Apolloh

Oh no, i do actually go out and do things. Moping around the house isn't a specialty of mine.

My big thing was just: She's in Europe going to ancient spa towns and hitting Austrian bars while i have a daily routine that involves going to the gym, reading chinese history, playing marvel vs capcom 3 with some buds, and then passing out. Weekends, partying, but its all ad infinitum.

It's just a little insecurity of mine as i said in my original post, why go with the dude with the routine when she can meet someone new, exciting, and can show her the ins and outs of somewhere she is excited to be in?

Even though i just know it is an insecurity, and will pass with the wind, because of the way she has acted during the entirety of the time shes been gone. Which has been good!

I guess it's because deep down that's how i would do it, and i'm insecure because i'm projecting that. She hasn't in any way said otherwise on the relationship, i'm just second guessing because i'm baffled someone cares about me this much really.

Which is roundabout as fuck because we both decided to do this long distance thing. I'm just vomiting words now.

lonelyahava

You know why she goes for you?

Because on top of probably liking you quite a bit, your routine is stable.

sure, she's going out and doing all these fascinating things, and she's seeing ancient baths and nightclubs and probably having fantastic food.

But let me tell you, she probably would love to have a night to come home, relax on the couch with a pint of ben & jerrys and play some vidja games (ok, not your girl necessarily...) or watch a movie with you.

Yeah, she's going out and getting to see the world and hitting all these raging cool hotspots.

But then, she's coming home. And no, home may not be as 'exciting' or as 'cultural' but it's still home. and that is a huge huge thing in and of itself.

Find a cool place to take her when she gets home. I don't know whereabouts you live, but there has got to be something unique in your area. Caverns, salt flats, sand dunes with buggies, etc. exchange your weekend partying with weekend culture exploring!

go to that art museum! Go check out that play! So that when she gets home, you can be "I found this fantastic place that you would love!"

and stop projecting. She can meet someone new and exciting and it can be a future friendship. But in the end, she's still coming home. She's not staying there forever, so whatever fleeting interest she might have with this person who's showing her these things, is fleeting, and probably not at all that serious.

lord knows I wouldn't get into a relationship like that and know that i'm going home in 2 months. because there's no guarantee she'll ever go back. So why bother? Have a good time, don't get invested. With you, she's coming home. And is pretty much going to be staying home until at least schools done.


and now I'm just vomitting words.

long story short (too late) take a deep breath, have a drink, and relax. You got this.

Apolloh

Just broke her first Skype date. Offered to talk again tomorrow however. I was kinda anticipating talking to her.

ceres

Did she give a reason?

Apolloh

Said she was going downtown to grab dinner and a movie with the girls from her group, and that when she got back it would be too late to talk because her host mom would be sleeping. (Its pretty true, she can't skype when her host mom is asleep, she's pretty loud and the house is small).

I'm totally understanding of it and its not a big deal because there is reasoning there, i'm just bummed it didn't happen today.

Esh

I'm confused as to why you going out and partying on the weekends is any different than her going out and enjoying herself. Stop freaking out so much. That's the biggest way to turn her off and chase her off. Let me tell you, I've lived all over, and people are people no matter where you go. Your afraid she's going to be swept off her feet by some European hunk? They're no different than any guy she'd meet here. Including you. They have the same routines that you do.

If she wants to make it work, you'll find out when she gets home. Just relax, let her enjoy her trip, don't have any "big discussions" with her while she's gone. She doesn't want that. Don't get into arguments. Don't talk about anything that may result in an argument. Don't even think about those things.

How often do you expect her to talk with you, out of curiosity?

Apolloh

We message back and forth, i don't expect her to talk to me on the daily really. We set up Skype dates as well and we Skype like once a week.

I'm not really freaking out, it's just the first time she's missed a date, and i was bummed about it so i thought i'd post. I asked earlier in the thread if i could keep it open to keep marks of when things happen and to ask for future advice, so that's what i'm doing.

I'm over that insecurity bit, that kind of stuff isn't really bothering me anymore. I think I dealt with it.

Thanks for your insight though man, you're correct. Being Austrian doesn't disqualify him from being exactly like some guy in my English class going through the same daily ins and outs. I was just in a weird place mentally because my life had slowed down it's pace a little bit because i've been cracking down on my studying and going out less.

Apolloh

Skype date today went great, she's going to Budapest next weekend and then Prague the weekend after so skyping will be hard but it's not an issue. I'm just envious she's going to Prague, i've been there and I love Prague.

Both communicated to each other how excited we were for the coming summer and the ideas we had for stuff to do. Great, great conversation.