Post-LTR Communication Dilemma

JustPlainPavek

Hi H/A,

I'll try to keep this brief: almost two and a half years ago now I broke off a long-distance relationship with my then-girlfriend, who I will call Elle. We had been together for a year in one location where we met through work (both of us were new to the area and connected immediately). I eventually quit that job and moved to the east coast, started a new life, and after a year apart just didn't feel it would be right to ask her to join me there — the usual growing-apart combined with lack-of-a-specific-advance-plan-to-reconnect that spells doom for LTRs. So I broke it off and she moved back home to the west coast instead. I still feel terrible about it, particularly since I was in almost the mirror-opposite position myself during a previous relationship and feel I understand to a considerable degree just how much it sucks to be dumped in a long-term relationship. (Answer: a lot.)

Aided by distance and the fact that I was the dumper, I have moved on, but we have corresponded occasionally in short notes every six months or so, just updating each other on our lives and very pointedly not discussing the breakup. She doesn't share much, but has kept up the communication; most recently, we exchanged new years' well-wishes. I don't expect more than that and I don't believe I'm entitled to any of her time at all but I did feel very strongly about our relationship while it lasted and appreciate being able to hear a little bit on how she's doing in life. Even if in the abstract, I do still care for her.

After about a year of being single (so about a year and a half ago now) I entered into another relationship, with a girl I'll call Jess. She has family and friends along on the west coast; I have visited them once or twice before, but we now have for the first time a visit coming up in which we will be visiting Elle's actual home town (my first ever visit to that part of the west coast).

My question basically is the extent to which it would be advisable to contact Elle in advance of that trip and suggest meeting to catch up in person. It would be the first time I have seen Elle in person in about three years, the first time we have spoken (as opposed to written) since the break-up, and as far as I know of my only opportunity to do so for the forseeable future. I have no desire to rekindle any relationship besides a limited platonic one and no desire to cause her any further harm beyond everything I've already done. (I hope that she has recovered as much as I have from the breakup, but it's obviously not really a topic I can discuss with her.)

Not mentioning anything at all that I'm coming to her town feels dishonest and sneaking; saying something feels like I'm imposing myself on her life. I have not discussed this or any other past relationships with Jess in any detail, and also don't feel it's especially fair to her to sacrifice some of our shared vacation time to my previous relationship baggage. But still, it's sad to think I'll be in the same city as her for the first time in years and have to pretend she's not there.

What to do?

Varian

Deal with it, honestly. You're not with Elle any more. That you haven't quite moved on doesn't need to become Jess's problem, and it certainly doesn't need to become Elle's problem.

amateurhour

Showing up to essentially tell an ex girlfriend who you're barely on speaking terms with (not in a bad way, but a quick note every six months isn't much) that you're in town to meet some friends of your new girlfriend seems like a bad idea. That's just my opinion.

Also it's not really something that needs to be dumped on the new girlfriend either. I know it's not what you're trying to say, but it comes out like... "Jess, I can't wait to see your friends and family and meet up with an old girlfriend to catch up on old times...What, no, it's cool right?"

Just move on. A quick e-mail every few months is fine though, I don't see a problem keeping that up, but if you're serious with Jess I'd let her know you still keep in touch with an ex girlfriend. It's just a nice thing to do.

KidDynamite

Yeah... just don't.

Quick emails are one thing, but do you really want to "just catch up" or do feel oblilgated to let her know that you will be there.

Either way, I wouldn't even bring the subject up with the ex, and have a good time visiting the new girls family. It's not dishonest, and anything that comes out of it probably wouldn't help either of you.

schuss

Wow, talk about a bad idea:

Issue 1 - Telling current GF - "Hey, I'm gonna go hang out with an ex while you're with your fam" = Hate daggers emanating from eyes
Issue 2 - Telling ex - "Hey I'm in town with my new girl, wanna catch up" = She goes on hate/depression binge (depending on personality type)

How would YOU feel if she was in your city visiting her new BF's family and wanted to catch up? Or if your GF wanted to visit with her Ex while you were with your family or something?
This ranks up here with trying self-dentistry in terms of bad ideas.

John Matrix

schuss wrote: »

This ranks up here with trying self-dentistry in terms of bad ideas.

A brilliant quote, and quite accurate. Unless you remained close friends after the breakup, this doesn't sound like a good idea. If you were single and still friends this might be okay, but seeing an ex, a 3 year ex at that, while visiting the new girlfriend's family is bad form.

JustPlainPavek

It would appear we have a consensus. In my defense, this is a week-long visit and I was imagining, at most, an hour for coffee. Not, like, "later hon, see you on the return flight". Nor is it, like, my first time meeting her family and friends.

I'm not sure it really would bother me were the situation reversed with my current GF and she briefly connecting with an ex on a visit to my home state, but maybe that's me rationalizing my desire to be someone who can stay on good terms with his exes despite the obvious geographic and temporal distances involved.

All that said, points taken, agreed, I'll suck it up and move on.


I am in need of some orthodontia, though...

KidDynamite

I didn't really think of it, but perhaps part of what you want is to know that she no longer harbors ill feelings towards you.

That doesn't really come across in emails, so seeing her in person may make you feel better about how things turned out, or at least that she doesn't hold a grudge.

My advice is still the same, don't do it, but I am just throwing this out there as a possible motiviation.

Smug Duckling

I have to go against the flow. Not all relationships are the same, and in many relationships doing something like this is perfectly acceptable. Only you can know if Elle and Jess can handle it. The key is communication. Let Jess know what the situation is and let her tell you if she'd rather you not do it. Then, if Jess is fine with it, let Elle decide if she'd be okay with seeing you.

Honestly a relationship where I'm not allowed to be in contact with exes (many of whom are friends) would not be one I'd want to be in.

Ringo

I'm just not clear what the OP thinks he'll get out of seeing Elle? If it's something that's important to him, and worth risking a bit of turmoil, then he should bring it up with Jess first, and then Elle if Jess is okay with it.

But as it stands now, it just looks like he's gonna kick up some potential trouble and he hasn't even sorted out why he wants to do that.

Though if Jess is an understanding and thoughtful SO, maybe you should bring it up anyway, and ask her if she has some insight into why you'd want to do this?

EggyToast

Ringo's point that if he decides to do anything regarding Elle, he should run it by his current girlfriend first is the most important part of the thread.

As for contacting Elle, only you know your relationship with her and how it might be perceived. You would also be the one crafting the email. If it was a small town, or you're really not sure how she would feel about seeing you, sending an email that says something along the lines of "Hey, this is a funny coincidence, but I'm going to be in your town from [date] to [date] visiting friends and family. I don't want to surprise you if we happen to bump into one another, so thought I'd let you know if you happen to see someone who looks vaguely like me. If I see you I promise I won't make a scene!"

Do not copy & paste that and send it. But I personally think that, unless her home town is San Francisco, there's a chance that you might bump into one another and she's going to be MUCH more surprised by that. So telling her that you're going to be in her area, but I personally wouldn't suggest meeting up with her. If she knows you're going to be around and is interested in catching up in person, leave the door open for her to decide that.

Ringo

Also note that if this turns into some kind of three way deal, you have to document it with photographic evidence plus sworn testimony and/or video if you ever want to talk about it again.

Otherwise no one will believe you. But that's much less important than the other stuff I said.

JustPlainPavek

A belated update, since people sometimes enjoy those:

Of course I ended up ignoring most of the advice in this thread and went ahead and did it anyways. Spoke to Jess about it a few weeks in advance; she said it was perfectly fine by her. E-mailed Elle and met up with her for about an hour on the second day. It was very nice to see her; we were both clearly nervous at first but after a few minutes were able to open up and enjoy each other's company like we had only seen each other last week.

The predictable result of all this, of course:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/3786003/ive-made-a-huge-mistake

John Matrix

Nice AD link there. I hope Jess really was okay with it, that's all I'll say.