A pitch turned personal project
Jake!
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Started this as a pitch a while back and it got turned down. I decided to continue with it anyway; it's a children's book about robots. Progress has been really slow but I'd appreciate any feedback you guys have.
(at this point in the story the hero (orange) escapes from the villan).
There's unplaced text to go on the right, and the text on the left is placeholder.
(at this point in the story the hero (orange) escapes from the villan).
There's unplaced text to go on the right, and the text on the left is placeholder.
Jake! on
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My eye is drawn to the plant in the background over the characters in the foreground. Mostly because it's the only thing not in the same stylized form as the rest of the image (everything else is flat/single color, it has gradients and depth).
Do you have more pages?
Enc: There are pages which include more 'organic' elements, so I guess once you see more it may begin to look less out of place.
TF: I think kids love that kind of thing actually...
TDev: It's because the project is inspired by Wikileaks, so I wanted all the names to work together.
(you can view in small here...
I read this to my boys, 3 (almost 4) and 6, and they enjoyed the story. Funny thing though, they liked the caterpillar and the spider more than the robots. But, they love Coraline, Adventure Time and Regular Show too, so they go for odd stuff. I agree with the others, the legs on Grumble seem a bit too complex, but I like that design on the little robots. Maybe with that many legs it becomes too much?
Interesting that Wikileaks inspired you to do a children's book. My advice would be to not make it political, kids don't care, they just want something fun. I like what you have so far, the style is really colorful and eye-catching.
ok. are you trying to use real hawaiian words or just words that sound hawaiian? malma isn't a hawaiian-like word. no double consonants. malama is closest and most commonly heard.
also, if this really is a children's book (not directed at people interested in hawaiian things) hawaiian words may not be the best to use because they are hard to pronounce and even harder to pronounce correctly.
you have many contractions in your text. childrens books are usually more spelled out, it teaches them not to write that way.
I agree with whoever said you're trying more to appeal to threadless' demographic than to an actual childrens book. You say it's not political, well from where I sit it's pretty clear it's political commentary, which is 100% wasted on children. Kids aren't going to get the deeper message of what Grumble is doing, and why Wiki was thrown out of the barn.
EWom: I don't even know where to start. The idea that freedom of information isn't a big issue is ridiculous. The issue is probably bigger (and more relevant) than ever.
From your reply I feel like you haven't looked at any children's books for a long time; they're not all water-colour bunny rabbits. The most popular ones are often designed to appeal to adults (who after all will be the ones reading them). Even iconic children's shows Sesame Street include content that is engineered to appeal to adults.
Yea--you have to appeal to the parent who will be buying / reading this to kids. Cute illustrations and simple text are for the kids--subtext is for the parent. I think it is coming along well. I'm excited to see the rest.
I'll second that--the font is definitely a little heavy.
I don't know that I would make the target demographic specifically for children, I think it would probably work better as a parody book targeted specifically at that "threadless demographic." Just my thoughts though.
I love the little robot guys, they are visually appealing (to a 26-year-old in the aforementioned threadless demographic) but I dunno that I would buy a book like this for my nephew; it'd be more likely to go on the shelf with my glow-in-the-dark Munny and my custom knitted dolls.
Uncanny Magazine!
The Mad Writers Union
Come on, you can tell us.
Seriously though, I think kids would enjoy it. I'd like to mention the Butter Battle Book when it comes to subtext in kids books. At the time I was in it's target demographic, I enjoyed it because it was silly with bizarre weapon systems that just kept getting more and more bizarre and more and more dangerous, fighting a battle over the stupidest thing I could imagine until they developed weapons that would end the world. Reading it now, I see the cold war escalation/nuclear M.A.D. thing going on that I missed as a 6 year old (hey, it was a choice between cartoons or the News, what were you watching at in '86?). What I'm trying to say is that subtext isn't just for the parents, even if the kid doesn't recognize it as reflecting on current events, they're still hearing the message. The same thing fables and fairy tales have been doing for ages.
I'd recommend keeping the current font on the sound effects, at least on the mechanical ones. (It really works well for the "*CLANG CLANG CLANG* Metal feet are bad for sneaking" bit) but look for something else for the rest of the text.
I've updated the web version with new fonts and the full story. What do you think?
It looks good!
You made the classic typo I always make: misspelled your html title. (congagious)
I like the new font choice. What is your next step?
I'd definitely email it to the wikileaks folks (and a NYTimes feature writer!)
I'm going to have to agree with Cake and the others that this doesn't feel like a children's book, it feels like a book for adults stylized to be sort of like a children's book. All of the children's books that I can think of off the top of my head that I still own have a clear, defined message. Believe in yourself. Be happy. If your message is about courage, you need to distill that message, and give a clear message that focuses on that. You don't even mention courage until almost the end. Is the book about bullying and how to stand up for yourself? Focus on that!
I think there's too much type on each page and not enough visual cues to go along with it. For example, the first page gives an explanation about what the story is about with no illustrations. Does a kid even know/care what a conspiracy is? Then the next page talks about a van, but there's no picture of the van. I think you need to slow things down and explain things more clearly for kids. One idea and illustration per page would be more ideal. There's just too much stuff that is not explained. What is a leek? "They will come and shut us down." Who is they? Why is Grumble swapping the flowers for leeks? I wouldn't read this book to a kid and I can't see any adult buying it for their kid. I certainly wouldn't purchase it for any of the kids I know.
You obviously have talent. I couldn't say for sure that the art would appeal to kids, it certainly might. But the story is the real problem for me. If your objective is to make a story about Wikileaks that kind of resembles a children's book, then you have succeeded. But if your objective is to make a book that will appeal to children and to the adults that will be buying the books for the children, I think you need to rewrite your script. Simplify, distill and slow down the story. And to be honest, I think you're going to have a tough time making Wikileaks or any political story appeal to children, no matter how much you stylize it.
Also, the title on your link says, "Courage is Congagious".
You have a really good first draft / start, but I agree that you should slow it down a little, and add more courage examples. Maybe have Wiki try to break it out, through other avenues, and be caught. His robot friends feel badly but are too afraid to help.
Maybe he eventually puts a "message in a bottle" and gets it in the van, or thrown over the fence into the next farm, and that brings the rest of the robot community to his aid. Seeing the other robots dismantling the fence to let them escape, his robot pals join in.
Sorry--hope that helps.
We are not saying that you need to do something more general, but suggesting that you tailor the message so it can appeal to children. I think Nibcrom made some excellent suggestions that would improve the books appeal to children, without hurting your vision. I think there is more than enough room to accommodate both--a simplified message that children can appreciate & a more clever, subtle story for the adults. I don't think it would substantially change the nature of your work, or eliminate the goal you've stated. In fact, my advice is tailored to what you've stated as a goal: I'm not trying to suggest you do anything counter to your own stated goal.
My reading of his crit was that you should add some more along the theme of courage is contagious--obviously don't drop the wikileaks angle--but flesh out the courage portion. My suggestion is to expand the part of the story dealing with the conflict. Right now, I think the conflict portion isn't as long as the preamble, which I don't think is ideal. Flesh out the conflict a little--you can keep the nature of the threat ambiguous--but I would definitely make Wiki a more courageous character, who tries a few things until he gets others to join him.
I think that is more of the real wikileaks story too--julian asange was a step above homeless, working in solitude, until he sent out his message. Why not have Wiki go through a similar transformation, working on his own with no support, until he sends a message to the other robots?
A quick pacing point, though. You may want to consider changing "I think you've already guessed the answer is robots." to "I think you've already guessed the answer." then add new reveal page with a wide, establishing picture of the robots working and the text "Robots."
Younger audiences tend to like playing with reveals like that.
Our first game is now available for free on Google Play: Frontier: Isle of the Seven Gods
Short attention spans require... short... sentence structure.
Joking aside, it actually works quite well.