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Should I? (Moving in)
Himura666
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I currently have a girlfriend, who I have happily been with for a good 4 months about. We get along very very well. We have similar intrests and are both pretty laid back. I currently have a full time job as a pc tech and make a decent pay. And she is also working a full time job as well.
So to cut to the point. My family is moving a little upstate and will be moving a decent commute away from my school and job. Soo.. I spend almost every night with my girlfriend and she brought up the idea of moving in to her apartment. I am in my mid 20s and am thinking of taking the plunge. So share your thoughts.
So to cut to the point. My family is moving a little upstate and will be moving a decent commute away from my school and job. Soo.. I spend almost every night with my girlfriend and she brought up the idea of moving in to her apartment. I am in my mid 20s and am thinking of taking the plunge. So share your thoughts.
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I'm fuzzy on adding people to leases, but I think your situation is potentially improved, in that the girl already has her own apartment, and you're not moving in together at the same time as finding an apartment jointly. That way, you should be (I think), free to suddenly move out and lease your own place quickly, without the loose ends of the old lease.
Personally, I'd say four months is a very short time to make this kind of plunge. You live with your family now, have ever you ever lived on your own before? If you haven't lived with roomies or in your own place yet I'd definitely say get your own place first before moving in with an SO. Living together changes a lot of things and is very different than you just staying there a lot but living elsewhere. There's a chance that this will be fine but I'd say the odds are much higher of this not working out well.
I'm with VoC on this. 4 months is WAAAY too soon in my opinion. But if you feel like you're ready then go for it. Like everyone else has said, make sure you have some sort of backup plan just in case things go wrong. Not to be a negative nancy, but theres a good chance that might happen. It seems like you never really know a person no matter how long you're with them, until you start to live together. People tend to open up a bit more or become more comfortable around each other when the move in happens. Which in some aspects might seem great, but in other situations, ehh not so much. Either way, good luck mang.
No matter how long you've been seeing this girl, you'll uncover compatibility issues you never would have imagined once you're sleeping in the same room, using the same bathroom, cooking in the same kitchen, etc. One concern I'd have is that it might put stress on your relationship that it isn't ready to deal with, being so fresh.
As others have said, leave some eggs in another basket, just in case.
Are you already doing sleepovers? If you're already doing sleepovers then yeah, great, not a huge deal. The biggest bump is simply fitting into each others rhythms, because unlike a roommate you don't tend to ignore a girlfriend/boyfriend.
Disclaimer: I met this girl in October of 1994... we moved in together the next February, and got married in May. Of 1995. We're still together, 15 years later. So if you care about anecdotes, there's one for you! This might be the woman you'll spend your life with. 4 months is definitely not always too short!
It's all about how comfortable you guys are with each other, and to a certain degree how mature you can be about dividing up chores. If one of you is very neat and the other is very messy, you'll have a lot of compromising to do. If you're able to do that, you should be fine.
When I moved in with Ecco, we'd technically only spent 2 weeks together physically. total. But we had been together for over a year.
So time is relative.
But, definitely do not not not burn all the bridges behind you. 4 months could be a very short time in a relationship, and if you're not used to every little bit of each other yet, that can be jarring.
take it easy, slowly, and seriously talk it over with her. Not just the financial parts but everything.
You will find things about each other that annoy the living daylights out of you. You will hopefully find new things to love. It can be both a fantastic experience and living hell. Sometimes at the same time.
Good luck!
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
Sleepovers and living together are on different planets completely. Apple and oranges. There's so much, much more than getting into each others "Rhythms". Have fun discovering all the weird little habits and routines you had no idea your girlfriend had and that might drive you up the fucking wall. Vice-versa as well. Living together is the make or break, so be sure you've got a really good safety net.
If you really want to try it, go for it, but the success stories you're hearing in here are exceptions rather than rules. Don't forget that.
You currently live with your parents, so if it doesnt work out, I assume it will be very easy for you to pack up and move back with them. This makes it much less risky than giving up your existing place to move in, and then being left homeless (or in an awkward temporary living arrangement) in a breakup.
Sometimes it is a good thing to have a make it or break it situation this early. In a way, at least you'll find out very early on that you can't stand living together, so you don't waste much of your life with someone you have no long-term compatibility with. On the flip side, I agree with Figgy in the sense that it might put stress on the relationship that it isn't ready to handle yet.
Overall, I think it's probably worth trying out, mostly because I don't think you really have much to lose here.
But I agree with Esh - sleepovers and living together are very, very different, for most people at least. If you've never lived with anyone aside from your family before, just be patient with her and make an effort to see situations from her perspective as well as your own.
What if we've stayed over at each other's places for days on end?
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Still very, very different. There's nothing that compares to actually living together.
So this.
even days on end of sleeping over, you're still on your best behavior around her, I guarantee it. And she is around you. I don't know this for certain, but i doubt you've completely relaxed around her while sleeping over. Farting in bed in the morning, scratching wherever it itches because it does. And she probably doesn't let you see her without shaved legs or armpits, her hair a mess other than first thing. There comes a point living together when the little things of personal hygiene not necessarily slip by the side, but become slightly less important to impress the other with.
The real challenges come when she goes through her menstrual cycle, and when either of you get sick.
Ecco has caught himself a cold and this is our one big sticking point. I'm a firm believer in better living through science and medicine. He's a firm believer in sticking through it and drowning himself with vitamin C and soup. We've had a bit of contention. He's bought a ton of fruit, and I got him to take a multivitamin.
But yeah, living together is definitely different than a few sleepovers.
However, it can be rewarding. First off, it'll help you figure out whether you can handle living with another person. Second, it's one of those things in a relationship that if you're serious about this other person, this is one of those tests. I had plenty of guys that I was serious about, but the thought of living with them long term? Hells to the no.
Good luck on whatever you decide, but remember, communication is important in a relationship. It nearly triples to the nth if you're living with them.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
I had pretty big fights over basically nothing because tension just built up with several roommates. Also later with my girlfriend when we moved in together. But it's worth it, because living with your significant other can be great.
A bit of advice:
1) Be open even with small things that you dislike. This will be incredibly minor shit, like how you stack the dishes in the kitchen sink. Or if you leave the butter out of the fridge or in. But it's better to say something about it than to be pissed every time you go into the kitchen and she doesn't even know it.
1a) Realize that you now live together and therefore have to compromise on small things like the placement of the butter.
2) Find some sort of agreement on housework (i.e. I always do the dishes, my fiancee always washes our clothes) and stick to it.
2a) Don't do a "I pay more rent, but you do more housework" agreement.
3) Do stuff outside of the apartment both as a couple and solo. Living together doesn't mean you have to spend all your time together. But on the other hand it also doesn't mean that you should only spend time together when you're both at home.
Right now, I do most of the housework because I don't have a job. So I'm home all day. So I do the dishes, laundry, sweeping, and cooking. He does the vacuuming because his vacuum and I have had several fights, the vacuum always wins and I always lose and I hate that fucking thing so damned much.
Ahem.
But yeah, what Grobian said. Ecco will do the dishes when i'm not feeling up to it. and he's made me soup and tea and things when I was suffering last month. But, we've only been living together for 6 weeks now..... Lots of things can change...
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
When she is doing something that is vaguely annoying you can't just make an excuse to leave and get away from your problem. You only have two solutions, get over it or talk to her about it.
It's a different dynamic because you can't runaway when things get rough.
Satans..... hints.....
Yeah uh... if you're in this headspace you should probably not be moving in with her.
It's important to have a backup up plan, but thinking in terms of "and I will make my escape this way..." before you've even moved in would be a bad sign.
Oh, of course. But doing sleepovers is a much bigger step than just seeing each other for an evening.
For me, the act of sleeping next to someone (and the nightly routine that sleep entails) was a bigger step. Otherwise you see the person after work, which is pretty normal. At least a sleepover (not just falling asleep after sex) takes you out of the idea of just dating into the realm of "this person also sleeps, eats, brushes their teeth, and everything else that sleeping and waking entails."
Learning to disagree but not fight will be the hugest problem, but this is true of any relationship.
I think it's good advice in general. Like what if he wants to visit his parents for Thanksgiving? Travel is easier when you can fit everything you need into one or two suitcases and be finished packing in an hour. (excluding things like bookshelves)
You don't have to take all of your worldly belongings to visit your parents...
The travel light thing is general advice I give when someone is considering a housing option that is not permanent. Even if moving in with the girlfriend goes great, its still just an apartment and when they eventually move into their next apartment/condo/house, having a bunch of heavy furniture to carry sucks.
This, but even moreso: I don't even believe it's important to have a backup plan. You can get yourself out of a living situation with minimal effort... I'd counsel NOT making a backup plan! Instead I'd suggest making a commitment. Forget all this advice to cover your ass with contingency steps - you'll be far more serious and far more able to deal with what amounts to trivial annoyance if you're fundamentally committed to the relationship.
If you're the kind of person for whom your partner's annoying trivialities aren't, well, trivial, then you're not committed. Maybe she's got one or two little habits that bug you - it's probably mutual. Committed people can compromise on these things because they have made a foundational dedication to the broader scope of the relationship.
In short, don't plan for escape and don't what-if yourself - commit to the prospect, and see if a genuine and sustained effort bears fruit. That's the only way you'll know whether you love her and want to spend your life together, and whether she does.
Dive in, both feet. Life often sucks... if it doesn't this time, bonus! If it does, at least you gave it your all.
I love my Pixels dearly, but we're compete opposites in a lot of ways. He always likes having some sort of noise in the background, be it music or a documentary or a podcast; I like quiet most of the time, and I actually find it very difficult to read or write if I can hear dialogue. He also likes telling me about neat or funny things he finds on the internet - if it's text he'll read it out to me, if it's an especially good image or video he'll call me into his office to watch it - and while I normally really enjoy sharing stuff like that with him, it used to drive me nuts when I had my nose in a book and he kept breaking my attention.
So, we worked out a system. If I want quiet reading time, and he's working in his office or watching TV or playing video games, I take a bath. When I'm in there with the door closed, I can't hear the TV or his computer speakers, and we both know that that's my private space and I don't want to be interrupted for anything short of a house fire. Or if it's a really nice day, I'll hop in the car, drive somewhere quiet, and just sit in the car with my book for a while. Similarly, when he wants to be alone to work, he just closes the door to his office, and I know not to pester him; when he wants to be alone to relax, he heads out to the garage, puts some loud music on, and works on his arcade machines.
Even if you live with someone and love them and love being with them, there are going to be times when you just want to be by yourself for a while. It's important to have a place to do that, and it's equally important for both of you to understand that it's not that you don't want to be with her (or vice versa), it's not that she did anything wrong or upset you in any way, it's just that you do want to enjoy your own company for a while.
There's a strong temptation, especially when you first move in with a significant other, to do everything with them. But you don't need to spend every waking minute joined at the hip just because you're living together - in fact, your relationship will be much healthier if you don't.
How does moving in with her at this point in time prevent her from "slipping away"?
On top of his stress and frustration from the broken friendship, it was an additional nuisance and burden on him to pack all those things, move them into the cars, take them out of the cars into his house, and unpack and organize them again.
And he accidentally left some things behind, and he accidentally took things that didn't belong to him. Small things like magazines.
I suggest (maybe naively) one should try to make moving easy and simple in all circumstances
So he should just move in to placate her emotionally?
Life often sucks, so why seek out situations where the likelihood of suckiness has financial and emotional implications in an effort to catalyze the seriousness of the relationship. Also, people frequently don't do well when they're forced to deal with situations that are unbearable and they might not be able to compromise. Do we know at this point in the relationship whether or not some of these things have been identified? I mean, this whole trial by fire mentality might have been great for you but you're looking at it through this peculiar lens that doesn't fit with a lot of people.
Ceres, the OP implicitly demands that we throw out reasons pro and con for moving in and the reasons behind those. My advice is that one should not move in just to prevent the other party from being upset especially only 4 months in. If at any point in a relationship a difference in ideas is resolved by upping the stakes of the relationship and believing "Hey, now we HAVE to get along cause we just did X" then I have serious doubts about the health of the relationship.
Huh. Those are exactly the type of stuff we do do around each other. In fact, often times it is at one another. Maybe we're just of a modern era, or something.
And what do you mean by menstrual cycle challenges?
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How good are you at being a fully functional independant adult? By this I mean, do you clean up after yourself? Do you cook for yourself? Just in general how much upkeep do you do on where you live. This is especially important because you've been living with your parents. Too many times I've seen people go from living with their parents, who do all the chores, to living with significant others and treat them like they treated their parents in these areas. Nobody wants to become your new housekeeper.
Second, instead of moving into her place, I would suggest getting a NEW place together. Have two bedrooms. One of them becomes the office. One of those rooms is your personal space, one of them is her personal space. Not saying nobody is allowed in either one, but its so nice having a place that FEELS like yours. You decorated it. You decided where it all went. The furniture is YOURS.
Lastly, 4 months is really fast. They say you don't really know somebody until you've been with them about a year. Thats then they just get too comfortable with you to keep putting their best foot forward all the time. Frequently relationships implode at this point. It happens super fast when you move in and are up each others asses 24/7 with nowhere to escape to. Just be ready to move right back out in another 4 months and have the cash and means in reserve to do that.
I don't advocate moving in as a way to create a catalyst that will move a relationship either up or out. However, being on the cusp of the decision, as the OP is, the point of discussion is already in the past. The offer from OP's girlfriend is on the table, so the chance to ask "should we consider this?" is gone. She's already considered it (or she hasn't, but he cannot now ask her to), so OP's choices now are not the ones you're seeing... his choices are Take the Offer, or Leave the Offer. Either one is going to have an unavoidable consequence of some sort. Having lost the chance to discuss things before the fact, now he must choose, and I advise him to Take the Offer.
You're suggesting that it's responsible and sensible to ask "is moving in together a good idea?" before asking "will you move in with me?" and I agree with you 100%. The OP, however, doesn't have that luxury, because his girlfriend has already decided it is a good idea. All he can do now is agree or disagree.