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I like men and women and know nothing about being gay, help?
hadoken
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I recently admitted to myself and came out of the closet to my closest friends about being bisexual. None of my friends are gay and i am not comfortable talking to them about this. To be clear i am more attracted to women than i am to men, but i still find men sexually attractive.
I have a few questions that might border on the absurd, i cant talk to my family about this and I don't want to bother my friends, so i come to you guys instead.
-is it bad for me if i don't hook up with dudes and keep on going with women? I understand myself in terms of how attracted i am to both sexes, im just not ready to hook up with guys, so is it bad for me to wait and stick to women for a while?
-when i hook up with men will i become a fairy and start acting all gay as many of them do? Am i still a man if i am attracted to other men? Do same sex relationships end up changing my behavior so i end up acting girly?
That's about it. Those are my worries, if they appear to be incredibly ignorant that is because they are. I am sorry if this stuff is offensive.
I have a few questions that might border on the absurd, i cant talk to my family about this and I don't want to bother my friends, so i come to you guys instead.
-is it bad for me if i don't hook up with dudes and keep on going with women? I understand myself in terms of how attracted i am to both sexes, im just not ready to hook up with guys, so is it bad for me to wait and stick to women for a while?
-when i hook up with men will i become a fairy and start acting all gay as many of them do? Am i still a man if i am attracted to other men? Do same sex relationships end up changing my behavior so i end up acting girly?
That's about it. Those are my worries, if they appear to be incredibly ignorant that is because they are. I am sorry if this stuff is offensive.
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If you don't want to hook up with dudes until you're ready, don't hook up with dudes until you're ready. If/when you do, go for it.
It's going to sound horribly saccharine, but: listen to your body. Above all else, it's what you can trust most of all.
How old are you?
Upon hooking up with a man you will immediately become hard-gay and be issued identification and a brain implant. This will compel you to wear short shorts and leather hats, your facial hair will immediately grow into one of half a dozen pre-screened styles chosen by the official LGBT council.
Honestly, having grown up in California, and having spent the last 8 years working with all sorts of gay and bisexual people. They've got the same problems everyone else does. In fact of the many I have known, the only non-straight people I felt like it was a big deal for me to be around were the ones that went out of their way to play into the stereotypes of their group at every opportunity.
I do have to wonder how old you are and if this isn't a curiosity thing. Most people I've known who were bisexual or gay started out with curiosity and didn't identify gay until they had done some personal reflection on it.
Step two is to realize that what Rikushix said is pretty much all you need.
edit: also you should really stop saying "fairy behavior". Seriously. There is such a thing as gay culture, but you are not required to be a part of it. Please do not use that phrase or any derivative of it in this forum again.
It's just the way some people are.
Act the way you feel comfortable acting. Take some time to explore who you are and who you really want to be.
Again, I'm sorry for being insulting. I'll try to understand gay culture.
In short- No, that's not how it works, Yes, OF COURSE you are still a man, and No, your behavior won't change unless you want it too.
Look, is dating a guy going to suddenly alter your chromosones? No. Will it alter your behavior? Unlikely. It's not going to affect how how dress or talk or act in any at all in fact. Unless- unless unless- that's what you decide you want. Sure, you could I suppose feel compelled to 'fem it up' to attract guys, and some young newly out gay boys do that. But here's the kicker- changing your behavior is will attract guys who are into the new behavior, and if you are only doing it only to attract guys you are not being true to yourself. Therefore, the guys you would attract doing that are not the kind of guys you want.
If coming out as bi changes you in any way at all, it should be in ways that are true to yourself. If you are confident in yourself, and honest about who you are, you have a good shot at attracting the men (and women) who will be attracted to who you are as a person, and those are the relationships that are the most valuable and will be the best for you.
So you're attracted to both sexes. So what? The fact that you can admit that to yourself and to others, well, some might argue that makes you More of a "man". A more honest and forthright person. A person who knows who they are and where they stand and is not ashamed. And that's a person I would like to know, regardless of what gender they are.
You are, IMO, a better man than the closet bi dude that never admits it. Goes out and marries some unsuspecting monogamous straight lady, then starts seeing dudes on the side because he just can't contain himself and/or he's not attracted to his wife anymore. You don't want to be that guy. That guy builds his life on lies. That dude is a very sad man.
I'm not saying it won't be hard at times. Your dating life may in fact be twice as complicated. So what? If that's the price you pay for being true to yourself, I say it's worth it.
Some girls aren't going to want to date a bi dude. Guess what? You don't want to date those girls. Some girls think bi dudes are hot hot hot. Those are the girls you want. Replace "girls" with "boys" and the previous statement still holds.
Be Who You Are. If somebody gives you shit about it, they can jolly well fuck off.
And yeah, start dating guys when you are ready, and don't sweat about it. You'll be ready when you are ready, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. In the meantime, fantasize. Enjoy some porn. Check out people on the street. Flirt a little. Being bi is fun! You get to fantasize about a whole wide world of attractive people. No gender limits! It's really pretty awesome.
It's just guys who like other guys and girls who like other girls. It's not all that weird, really.
Good luck.
As a man who has sex with men, it isn't a big deal. When you make it a big deal it becomes a big deal. Seriously, just be happy and live your life as you see fit. Ceasing to feel the need to classify and analyze your behavior (because that's what we're taught: it isn't about who you are but what you do) gives a lot of peace.
If you like men, go ahead and like men. If you like women, go ahead and like women. It's both as simple and as complex as that.
I really beg to differ on that one. Culture is a pattern of learned behaviors passed on from generation to generation and that definitely exists within the gay community.
And OP, some of the manliest men I know are homosexual. Just keep on doing what you're doing.
No, no, Esh. The point is that "Gay Culture" is a choice. Some of us queers engage deeply with others based on orientation and some of us do not. It isn't a matter of "Gay=Gay Culture" but that it is one of many cultures/support networks open to us.
Same-sex relationships are no different, and that is, what I hope, was behind the statement of "There is no 'gay culture'".
I love semantics. The point I was making was that being gay doesn't align you with other gay people any more than eating tacos aligns you with Mexican people.
And while we're on it, the definition of "culture" as I've always seen can be roughly paraphrased to "the manner in which isolated groups of people attack common human problems and experiences," meaning food, language, traditions, gender roles, beliefs, inventions that solve things like agricultural problems, burial rights, coming of age, naming conventions, child rearing, etc."
e: Gotta do something in this post besides debate.
OP, maybe you should talk to a therapist? Get some help sorting this all out?
What turns you on is what turns you on - you don't have to justify it to anyone or conform to anyone elses standards. Its one of those awesome things they forget to mention as a perk when you actually hit adulthood -that, lower insurance rates, and being able to rent cars from Hertz.
You get to choose how you want to act - nothing is going to force you there. Some choose to act "fairy" in the way that you've described. Nothing told them to be that way other than the little voice they carry around inside their skull.
Some choose to grow crazy amounts of facial hair and get really into leather.
Other choose to found an incredibly awesome band that was obviously homosexual and still have the balls to call it QUEEN.
Different strokes for different folks man. Don't worry about what the others do. Find your own way that makes you happy.
To expound on that, there are cultures within cultures of the gay community. It's not all Jack from Will & Grace as I'm sure you know. That's more directed at the OP. He's probably met dozens of gay men and women he didn't even realize were.
Good to see some common sense. I know you never mean harm, Esh, and we're just as much a part of everything as anyone else.
Yeah, I was in no way saying there's only one "gay culture". Notice my quip about some of the "manliest men I know". And even beyond that, just because something exists and you're somehow affiliated with it (sexual orientation, skin color...) doesn't mean you have to be involved in any part of it.
It doesn't mean that it "defines" you.
My first sexual relationship was with two women, both of whom were highly involved and interested in gay culture - they both had rainbow bumper stickers on their vehicles, they were both keen advocates for gay rights, half the DVDs they owned were about LGBT issues. They attended PrideFest Milwaukee and the Michigan Womyn's Festival every year, and I got dragged to both a couple of times.
I had no interest in embracing gay culture. I was happy that they had a group to identify with and draw strength from, but I felt no need to do the same - I didn't really feel passionate about gay rights, I didn't think being a lesbian significantly defined my identity, I just liked having sex with women.
You can do that. There's no rule that says you need to sign up for the Queer Times newsletter the first time you kiss a member of the same sex. You can be gay and proud and wear the rainbow t-shirt, you can be gay and private and just do your own sexual thing, you can be anywhere in between. It's entirely up to you.
Which gender you choose to sleep with is also your choice. The blessing of being bisexual is that you have twice as many possible partners; the curse is that no matter which you settle with, you're always going to miss what you're not having. That's just something you need to live with.
Regarding behaviour: gender isn't a binary, it's a continuum. Everyone, gay and straight alike, exhibits some behaviours that are typically associated with the feminine gender, and some that are associated with the masculine gender. Your position on the continuum of gendered behaviours, though, is separate from your sexual orientation, so it's important not to conflate the two. The stereotype of gay men is that they're "girly," just as the stereotype of lesbians is that they're mannish, but those stereotypes just aren't true: it's perfectly common for a gay man to be a typically masculine dude who likes beer and football and not talking about his feelings, and for a lesbian woman to be a typically feminine girl who likes appletinis and shopping for clothes and watching romantic comedies with Colin Firth.
Unless you're deliberately aping a sexualized behavioural stereotype, the way you act has nothing to do with who you fuck. There are totally straight guys out there who wear pressed pink shirts and listen to ABBA non-ironically, and there are totally straight women who drink hard cider and drive trucks.
Being gay or bi doesn't change who you are, and it shouldn't change how you act, either.
Your sexual interests don't have to determine your other interests, and vice versa, and more importantly, the only person who should be deciding those interests is you.
Exactly.
If the OP wishes to, they should swing by the Debate & Discourse forum, where we (the PA community) have numerous threads, including a long (several years in the making) series of threads dedicated to LGBT rights/issues.
Posters within it include people from across the spectrum, homosexual, heterosexual, transgender, bisexual, etc. All of us united in our mutual [strike]mockery of people who identify as pansexual[/strike], wait, that's not it... in our mutual interest on issues that affect those communities. While the forums heavily lean towards a fairly young white male demographic, and many of the members are located in the US (thus, US issues like DOMA, DADT and whatever bile silly geese* like Santorum are spewing come up often), but the community overall is made up of people of all colours, creeds, orientations, etc around the world.
My now lengthy point is that within that group you'll find people with impeccable fashion sense and those who can barely dress themselves. Those who have 100% completed every Final Fantasy, Metal Gear, Silent Hill and Resident Evil, and those who haven't touched a game system since the Atari 2600. Those into sports, those who get bruised just looking at a pair of cleats, etc, and that divide includes people from all angles of the spectrums of sexuality.
I'm not gay, but I consider many of our gay posters friends, am passionate about human rights issues (including those of the LGBT community), and want to say this much; don't worry about being good or bad at being gay. Just be the best person you can. What you do with others in the privacy of your own home is up to you and them, and as long as everyone is consenting and enjoying themselves it doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks.
.... aaaand that's my preachy long winded big block of text atrocity for the day.
It's only bad if you wait long enough to get married, and then decide you want to try cock after all and proceed to cheat on your wife. I've met too many bisexual guys who tell themselves it's not cheating if it's not with a woman. Don't become one of those guys. Do your exploring before you decide to settle down with either sex (assuming you're going to do that).
edit: well that came out a bit preachy. Pretend I said this instead:
Not necessarily, I know several bisexuals who have had open relationships or more often semi open (where you can have sex with people of the opposite gender of your partner), the key is just to talk it through first.
That said it's not something most people are okay with so don't count on it :P and cheating is ofc always a bad idea no matter what gender you do it with.
For the longest time I was interested in both men and women, but sadly none of the women I wanted, wanted me. I've had a few encounters with women over the years and found them to be enjoyable, but in the end, i just like men more.
I'm in a stable committed hetero relationship now and i honestly couldn't be happier. But being yourself and growing up is all about exploring all of these feelings that you have. All of them.
And yeah, to echo what was above, be safe. For the love of all things holy, think before doing anything and be safe about it.
Good luck and have fun! The learning is only starting.
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Not at all. As long as you don't cheat on your significant other (no matter what their sex is), it's all okay. On a forum I frequent, some bisexual women have a husband and a girlfriend on the side and both know about each other. That eventually might be something you might want to do. You might not.
Also, if you never hook up with a man for whatever reason, it doesn't make you any less bisexual. In case that happens.
As for changing, oh my, I know that line of thought. I'm still getting used to a lot of things and possibilities for even contemplating liking the same sex. The fear of changing put me in therapy because all of my (former) friends who came out of the closet suddenly changed significantly and I thought I had to (or was going to) as well. I haven't come up with any answers as to my sexuality, but I know that when I do, I'm not going to change wildly and be marching in the front at an LGBT rally if that isn't my thing just because I'm bisexual.
Echoing the very solid advice in here: no, becoming involved with another man will not flip a switch in your brain connected to stereotypically frou-frou behavior.
As to why some newly out guys act that way, I recall reading something a few years back by a male therapist who was happily married to another man; he pointed out that straight teens are allowed or even expected to be obnoxious about discovering Holy Shit Titties r Hawt/Sparkly Vampires!!!11, but gay teens are sharply discouraged from liking members of the same sex where other people can hear them, much less learning how to be comfortable in their own skins, then figuring out exactly what they like in a romantic partner, how to flirt, etc.
So, according to this source whose name I cannot remember, many young adults coming out of the closet embrace the "culture" whole hog as a means of self-identification, and basically act like the obnoxious teenagers they didn't get to be. Most of the ones I've encountered grew out of it - having 5 rainbow T-shirts and plastering bumper stickers on each other's cars, not being gay - though some people never do, just like some 40-somethings still hit on college girls or write essays on the myriad reasons they want to molest the cast of Twilight.
If you want to hear more on the subject, read through Dan Savage's archive or hit up his YouTube channel. Some people don't like the tone of his advice, but I've found him extremely sensible and relatable.
I recommend the Savage Love podcast to lots of folks. Go listen to the last year or two of those, and you will get a crash-course in human sexuality, and certainly learn a lot more about your own.
Well this applies not only to gays but in life in general for young people, if your this X label you must do x, y, & z to "fill in." Don't let others tell you well if your bi you must do 1.2.3 to "fit in" Also do not fall into media of bisexual life is all about sex and partying (making this up). Take your time to figure things out and try not to be loud and proud because you need to feel confident as you figure things out and take your time.
For someone who came out older than usual, I am happy with my decisions. I did not make the mistakes most people I witnesses do at age 18, I took my time to feel confident and have a circle of group that will support me. This is me witnessing this DO NOT FEEL YOU NEED TO BE VALIDATED by someone else as you figure this out. I noticed many people who come out are in a rush to date to have a partner validate them.
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
Admitting this to yourself is awesome and important. You can almost never do too much introspection and soul-searching. You didn't mention how your friends reacted to this. I hope well.
Coming it out is a life-long gradual process. Even very very "out" people who wear their sexuality like a badge of honor on their sleeve will occasionally find that they actually do need to come out to someone (some people are clueless!) so it's something that is really never completely finished. Coming out can be exhilarating and liberating but don't let it go to your head. Take it very slow. Be cautious. Weigh the consequences of a negative reaction before you come out to someone, particularly family. Not to sound too mercenary, but it's really not a bad idea to not come out to family until after you are on your own and able to support yourself. Filial support is a huge benefit to a young GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans) person but if parents take it badly it can lead to misery; abandonment, withdrawl of college support, even being disowned and winding up homeless - this can and does happen. I'm not trying to scare you, but this is real.
Coming out to someone is like ringing a bell; it cannot be un-rung. It's permanent. Think carefully about the person, the nature of your relationship with them, how much you depend on them, and what kind of attitudes they have expressed on this matter.
Also keep in mind that a secret shared will not long remain a secret. The more people you tell, the more likely that eventually (or five minutes later) they will tell others.
Short answer: No.
Slightly longer answer: Many bisexual people are not 50/50 bisexuals, and have only limited attraction to one of the two sexes. Some bisexuals will go their whole lives without ever experiencing a sexual relationship with one of the sexes, either because their desire for that sex is not very strong, or because they enter into a committed relationship with the other sex early, and then stay in said relationship. Finding the love of your life and entering a monogamous relationship with them is certainly not a bad thing.
If you start hanging out with lots of gay men for a while, you might find that you end up being a bit campier than before. It's not a certainty, but it certainly can happen. But in general, unless you have been suppressing an inner desire to be flamboyant and effeminate, having sex with men will not create such a desire/behavior where none previously existed. There are some very manly gay men out there, there are also screaming queens. You should probably aim to split the difference there, but that's just my opinion.
If those are your only worries, you must be very stable. I was a basket case when I was younger (I probably still am).
Oh, and don't do drugs.
Actually, while I like Savage sometimes, I think he also has a thing against men being bisexual. He's all for women being fluid but to him bisexual men are really just gay men. I'm not thrilled with him over that point of view.
It's an extremely common belief amongst gay men. The reason it exists is that many (many) gay men first out themselves as bisexual before finally outing themselves as being homosexual at some later point.
I'm not an expert so I might not be totally correct on this but I just thought I would let you know to look into it. I mean, Achillies was gay. Michelangelo was probably gay also.
This is something that a lot of people do when they come out of the closet. I think a lot of people repress their sexuality for a long time and then go overboard conforming to pop culture stereotypes for a few years to make up for lost time.
But really, not like there's anything wrong with behaving in any way that you're comfortable.
Oh, I know. I was just warning the OP (or any other new listeners) who maybe didn't want to hear that.