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Need Some advice RE: Life
NyarghoDirge
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I am in need of some assistance, I am just going to start somewhere.
I am a scientist, its the only thing that has meant anything to me however I have suffered a massive setback, during my PhD a number of horrible things happened to me and to those I care about (family.friends). Without going into exacting detail, a suffered multiple bereavements (14 times) from either within my family or my close friends, I compound fracture my leg and my PhD supervisor quit science after been found guilty of sexual harrasment in the work place. Additionally the university I was at completely screwed me over with my PhD promising to let me either move to a different super-visor so I could finish up (they went back on that one) or submit as a masters if I volunteralry withdraw from my current PhD and submit again as a masters studnet (they screwed me on that one too).
I have already Exhausted every possible avenue concerning appealing this decision, I was screwed because I trusted student services to help me but because I didnt get anything in writing I am screwed (I should point out the uni administration really didnt like my supervisor and I was let informally know that had also damaged me as I was his PhD student). Again already exhausted all options (including legal).
I am 36 years old I have been in science/acadmia for 15 years. I have 3 degrees (Bachelor of medical science, Grad Dip in Molecular biology and a good honours in molecular biology and microbiology with Extensive expereince in Immunology, Virology, vaccine design and molecular biology from my PhD expereince) I have also worked as a Technical Research officer for several years as well supporting a teaching molecular & biochemistry lab. I am in Australia if that makes any difference (although I kind wish I wasnt).
Ontop of this I have never, ever, ever had sex (caveat see below about prostitutes). Or a Relationship. I tried to find the time and did honestly make a go of talking to people I met through friends, through work and I have tried internet dating websites for years and years. Part of the issue I guess is I have haemochromatosis a disorder of my blood that results in many things one thing been excessive storage of adipose tissue (Fat), making it extremely difficult for me to lose wieght, I eat right I excesise vigoursly 4 times a week (2 hours each time) with both Gym work and Mau Thai kick boxing and have done so for 8 years I have not lost any weight. My diet is desgined by my doctor with a nutrional expert and yet I cant lose weight. Due to were the fat is they cant liposuction it either I am terribly frustrated by my body's basic biological defects. So what does this mean? Im fat, and cant lose the damn weight, cant even get surgery. Im not a social out cast, I have friends (not so many now) and family (again not so many now), I cant really be anything other then I am and I guess no one is interested in that.
My academic life has been one of constant struggle, I was not diagnosed till 26 with haemochromatosis this really adversely affected my academic career and delayed many things. I had to work twice as hard for the same degree and even then I often didnt get what I was after and I am without partner has made everything harder too.
At this point I feel things coming to an end, I have tried therapy and its useless so I have tried many serotonin-specific uptake inhibitors (my knowledge of these drugs is extensive) and found them to be useless due to their adverse affect on my ability to concentrate and retain information. And have I mentioned I am terribly lonely? I have tried sex with a prostitute but the lack of any real emotional connection meant I couldnt perform and felt I was under enourmous pressure to finish before my time was up resulting in my not climaxing or even enjoying the limited expreicne I had (I have tried twice with prositutes please not this is Legal in Australia).
Im pretty much at the end of a hard road, I havent much money due to trying to help my mother keep her house (a result of the economic downturn and increased bank interest rates), I havent earned alot due to been in academia for a long while and If I may be melodramatic the loss's are like blades in my chest.
I am rapdily running out of steam and dont see the point anymore, the only thing I feel other then despair is rage and I use it to get through the day but Im running on fumes now and I cant see the point. No Parnter, No prospects (I have applied for many many jobs since the PhD and I am informed by HR I came in at second place for one or just your standard sorry not successful email for the others) I dont know what else to do. I think things are pretty bad for me atm, dont know what to do.
Edit: Due to my injury I am in near constant pain and as such I am on oxycontin everyday.
I am a scientist, its the only thing that has meant anything to me however I have suffered a massive setback, during my PhD a number of horrible things happened to me and to those I care about (family.friends). Without going into exacting detail, a suffered multiple bereavements (14 times) from either within my family or my close friends, I compound fracture my leg and my PhD supervisor quit science after been found guilty of sexual harrasment in the work place. Additionally the university I was at completely screwed me over with my PhD promising to let me either move to a different super-visor so I could finish up (they went back on that one) or submit as a masters if I volunteralry withdraw from my current PhD and submit again as a masters studnet (they screwed me on that one too).
I have already Exhausted every possible avenue concerning appealing this decision, I was screwed because I trusted student services to help me but because I didnt get anything in writing I am screwed (I should point out the uni administration really didnt like my supervisor and I was let informally know that had also damaged me as I was his PhD student). Again already exhausted all options (including legal).
I am 36 years old I have been in science/acadmia for 15 years. I have 3 degrees (Bachelor of medical science, Grad Dip in Molecular biology and a good honours in molecular biology and microbiology with Extensive expereince in Immunology, Virology, vaccine design and molecular biology from my PhD expereince) I have also worked as a Technical Research officer for several years as well supporting a teaching molecular & biochemistry lab. I am in Australia if that makes any difference (although I kind wish I wasnt).
Ontop of this I have never, ever, ever had sex (caveat see below about prostitutes). Or a Relationship. I tried to find the time and did honestly make a go of talking to people I met through friends, through work and I have tried internet dating websites for years and years. Part of the issue I guess is I have haemochromatosis a disorder of my blood that results in many things one thing been excessive storage of adipose tissue (Fat), making it extremely difficult for me to lose wieght, I eat right I excesise vigoursly 4 times a week (2 hours each time) with both Gym work and Mau Thai kick boxing and have done so for 8 years I have not lost any weight. My diet is desgined by my doctor with a nutrional expert and yet I cant lose weight. Due to were the fat is they cant liposuction it either I am terribly frustrated by my body's basic biological defects. So what does this mean? Im fat, and cant lose the damn weight, cant even get surgery. Im not a social out cast, I have friends (not so many now) and family (again not so many now), I cant really be anything other then I am and I guess no one is interested in that.
My academic life has been one of constant struggle, I was not diagnosed till 26 with haemochromatosis this really adversely affected my academic career and delayed many things. I had to work twice as hard for the same degree and even then I often didnt get what I was after and I am without partner has made everything harder too.
At this point I feel things coming to an end, I have tried therapy and its useless so I have tried many serotonin-specific uptake inhibitors (my knowledge of these drugs is extensive) and found them to be useless due to their adverse affect on my ability to concentrate and retain information. And have I mentioned I am terribly lonely? I have tried sex with a prostitute but the lack of any real emotional connection meant I couldnt perform and felt I was under enourmous pressure to finish before my time was up resulting in my not climaxing or even enjoying the limited expreicne I had (I have tried twice with prositutes please not this is Legal in Australia).
Im pretty much at the end of a hard road, I havent much money due to trying to help my mother keep her house (a result of the economic downturn and increased bank interest rates), I havent earned alot due to been in academia for a long while and If I may be melodramatic the loss's are like blades in my chest.
I am rapdily running out of steam and dont see the point anymore, the only thing I feel other then despair is rage and I use it to get through the day but Im running on fumes now and I cant see the point. No Parnter, No prospects (I have applied for many many jobs since the PhD and I am informed by HR I came in at second place for one or just your standard sorry not successful email for the others) I dont know what else to do. I think things are pretty bad for me atm, dont know what to do.
Edit: Due to my injury I am in near constant pain and as such I am on oxycontin everyday.
NyarghoDirge on
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Good luck, chin up. It will get better.
1. Oxycontin (as you would well know) is a very serious drug to take for any length of time. A compound fracture of the leg is painful and recovery takes awhile (~6 months), but in any event its a top priority to get off the oxy asap. How long have you been taking it and in what amounts?
2. E and other up-take inhibitors will get smashed by Oxy, just fyi.
3. Your weight is a serious problem, very likely caused by your disease. However, its definitely NOT caused by "excessive storage of adipose tissue". The likely reason for the struggle losing weight is much more related to the hypogonadism which you are probably suffering from. IE you're testosterone levels are likely very, very bad. I would very strongly considering consulting a physician regarding HRT and other therapies (including T injections) which may assist with this problem - I think you'll find that if you address your Test levels you'll improve fat loss massively.
4. See a shrink. You need to badly. Uni's offer them for free.
5. Re: your uni work - You need to appeal again, ask to change degrees or consult the ombudsman again, this is your life and its unacceptable to leave it in their hands. Your assertion of "im screwed" is not sufficient; tell us EXACTLY what you have tried and i'll be damned if there probably isn't another avenue.
6. Once your sort you uni work out, moleculor biology is appreciated by Victor Chang Institute and a variety of hospitals in the big cities (Vinnies, RPA etc etc). Have you got them on your hit list? Tried CSIRO?
7. You're not working... have you worked at all previously? If you have, Study Aid may be of assistance. Otherwise Centrelink will provide if you get onto full time work searching.
Get some help for it.
I could pick through all the individual issues you bring up but they're all tied up in a net of esteem and worth - you're certainly intelligent enough to realize that, so I won't bore you with going through it all.
Get help.
I think there's a certain sort of personality - and I am that type, at least sometimes - that is always filled with backwards looking regret and I sense you're the same way. But you need to not obsess over past things and let them ruin the present.
Don't focus on what you don't have (or don't have yet) quite so much. You don't know that "a partner" would have made anything easier for you. I lost a relationship in college because I couldn't compete with drugs - my "partner" destroyed me and the money I paid for that semester of college went down a sinkhole.
In other words, the forks in the road you think you should have taken might well have led right back to where you are, or off in an even more perilous direction.
So let go of what might have been.
If your medical condition keeps you from looking a certain way, you let that go and say, "I'm still going to be in shape. If I can't LOOK like an athlete, I'm damn sure going to be able to keep up with one. "
This approach will give you genuine pride in your athletic accomplishments and tons of activities.
Finally, make short, simple goals - I will get up and eat breakfast every day this week, I will go to one movie this week, I will check a book out from the library, that kind of thing. Depressive cycles can lead to becoming shut in and brooding, which compounds them.
I host a podcast about movies.
In parallel, tell me, did you talk to other profs in your department to have them become your supervisor? This will be necessary. If you actually have a prof on your side willing to take you on, your case will be a lot easier to argue. If you have a prof you're on good terms with, I suggest you meet with them, show them that you've already got a lot of the thesis done and some papers ready to go out that you'd put their name on as your new supervisor, etc.
Responding to Docken:
1. I have been on varying dosages of Oxycontin for about 5 months now (Im walking now) atm Im trying to get off the drugs but right now my Doctor tells me Im addicited physiologically and I have to come off them v.slowly. Right now I am on 40mg once a day (down from 40mg twice a day).
3. I will ask my doctor about getting my Testosterone levels checked and hypogonadism. I didnt suggest my weight (fat storage) was causing the disease but rather I was told increased weight is a symptom of haemochromatosis.
4. Right now Im not currently a student and have no access to uni services.
5. Regarding my uni work, I broke my leg and had to deal with a number of people dying, as a result I had to take time off from my PhD during this my supervisor got into trouble, quit science and left me in the lurch with no Lab or Lab funding to return too. My supervisor really abused a lot of people proffessionally speaking and a lot of people would like to see him fail, this blew back on me as anything came out of my PhD also reflects on him and as such I couldnt find another lab to help me finish. I appealed to the remains of PhD supervisory group but they had currently had no funding to help me, the then student advisor for my area said I didnt have enough data to write up (again due to circumstances outside of my control) and suggested that I try to find another supervisor to continue the work (the problem was legally my old supervisor has a stake in the IP of any research that comes out of it (financially as well) and no other researcher wanted any proffesional dealings with my old supervisor so that avenue was off the table. I then asked if I could resubmit as masters student however as I had passed 1 year that was not possible, but the Student advisor told me if I withrdaw from the PhD voluntarily then the Uni would offer me a Masters degree in the same/similar area with a new supervisor and project unconnected with my old supervisor. When it came time to do this my application was rejected (despite qualifying for a Post Graduate Award and PhD entry previously) I contested the decision 4 times and each time it was the same, apparently I didnt qaulify for a Masters as a masters has some coursework with it and my main area of specilization is research work (this reason imho is total Bullshit insane).
I appealed to the student course adminitrator, the subdean, the dean of my specific area at uni and then to the Dean Of Students who takes it to the DVC (Deputy Vice Chancellor). At every stage the answer was not at this time, additionally the old student advisor was also quietly fired while this was going on. I pursued advice from legal affairs for students and they said unless I had a LOT of money I had no case.
Here is the final letter I got from all this
"Dear XXXXX
I've now been able to talk with XXXX about your situation.
You ask what you might do about the masters of translational medicine. I don't think there's anything further to be done in that regard XXXX. XXXX doesn't know much about the background to the decision not to offer you admission to that program, but I got the impression that it's a new coursework degree with a strong focus on medical and allied health professionals, and that your research experience was not seen as relevant to preparation for this program. XXXXXX might know more of the background, but as requested I didn't contact her. I can't evaluate your claim that XXXX and XXXX pretty much assured you of a place in the masters program if you withdrew form the PhD. Admission to the Masters program wasn't under their control so I very much doubt they would have offered such a guarantee. I appreciate your feeling that, having been admitted to a PhD, with scholarship, you surely should qualify for entry to a Masters program, but the PhD and a carefully tailored and targeted coursework Masters program are two very different beasts."
6. Atm I have been focusing on research positions at universities that are nearby to me, I have not looked at work in a hospital (or the Victor Chang Insitute) but I will I didnt think id qualify for such work as a I am not a Doctor nor do I have PhD. I will look into hospitals (VC institute) and CSIRO.
7. I have worked previously as a Tech officier but atm I am not working and I am on centrelink benefits, they gave me a pensioner card and reduced all my obligations, so atm Im just cashing a check with no obligations to fulfill.
Weird Nut: I will try and make a list of objectives I can cross off but I will be honest making such a list is an objective in and off itself atm. I tried 3 therapists and it didnt seem to work, honestly I just dont know however I suppose I can look at trying another one.
Johnnycache: Your right I tend to focus on looking backwards with regret however I have been through a lot, I am certainly a shut in at this stage I dont go out much, dont even play games much atm. Ironically my highest level of gaming activity was when I was really busy with uni feeling like I had a purpose. As you and wirednut have suggested I will try to make a list of simple goals to achieve.
Its hard to keep moving forward with all this, I want to do better, i want to get back into research but its not happening and I am trying to look for chances.
I have not approached the ombudsman yet that is something I will look into now, the 2 researchers who could supervise me and that I was on decent terms with have both left the university of positions overseas they wanted out of what they described as a "rats" nest of nasty backstabbing.
In regards to the Thesis a lot of it is done but its tied up with my old supervisors biotech company and atm is a protected IP meaning I cant publish only submit but I needed a fair chunk of more work done to prove my research work (which is when my supervisor left).
I typed out antoher reply before you posted please look at the above post of mine.
Schools in the US generally have career placement services that are available to former students. It sounds like you aren't a fan of your former school, but you might want to look into that sort of thing and see if you can get something out of the school. During your PhD did you meet any other PIs in your department that have projects you would want to work on as a tech so you would have some solid, recent work experience? Did you make connections outside of your school with collaborators from outside institutions? Have you contacted those people?
Maybe you aren't going into detail intentionally, but primary hemochromatosis is usually accompanied by unexplained weight loss, not weight gain. If your doctor told you that primary hemochromatosis without any end organ damage is responsible for excess adipose storage you may want to consult a different doctor.
EDIT: even if three therapists didn't work out for you, keep looking for a different one. It is a matter of finding the right match.
2ND EDIT: Have you talked to your school about doing a hybrid thesis? I got kicked out of my first thesis lab and one possibility that was discussed with me was a hybrid thesis where I would basically have two entirely different halves of my thesis that added up to enough data/work/publications that my committee was happy with the work that I had done. That would eliminate the IP issues with your first suervisor as the rest of your thesis work could be completely unrelated and would be on the topic and under the IP of your new supervisor. It is very possible that withdrawing from the program may have eliminated this option, but it is something else to ask about.
I dont want to give up, even when things are going to hell I still try and defiantly move forward but sometimes it feels like I dont know and Im not sure how many more setbacks I can take.
Its pretty late for me right now will probably log and be back tomorrow.
First, I disagree with your assertion that Hemochromatosis caused or continues to cause your obesity.
Hemochromatosis messes up a lot of things - it can give you liver disease, it can cause diabetes, it'll do damage to every internal organ, but cause obesity? No.
It'd be more likely to read that you had a 100lb tumor on your liver that made you appear fat, than it causing subcutaneous and visceral fat deposits to spontaneously generate.
Second, the information that you've given in your OP and follow-up posts makes me extremely concerned about your psychological state.
1. You are addicted to pain meds.
2. You have recently suffered personal loss.
3. You feel increasingly detached from life around you.
4. You have feelings that everyone has screwed you, looks down at you, and you look down on yourself.
You're in a deeply depressed state at this point. You're treading dangerously close to developing a psychosis.
I would highly recommend you seek medical assistance as soon a possible. Talk with your therapist and have them consider an in-patient program for you. If you hate your therapist - get another, and another and another. If all of them share similiar viewpoints, stop looking and DO WHAT THEY SAY.
The note you received back is totally unsatisfactory from the Uni.
I would point out to her that an officer of the Uni assured you of a position (if that is what happened). As a result, you've suffered material loss as a result of relying on that assurance. You are not asking for anything unusual and you want to know what the University can do to rectify this situation - merely "sorry" is not good enough.
Its just everthing is extremely difficult, just making breakfast is hard. I just slept 14 hours straight didnt even wake up once, that hasnt happened to me before.
Since the 8th of April I have been to multiple therapists (including a psychiatrist), nothing they suggested are things I have not already tried or am doing or trying to do. I have applied for countless positions and gotten interviewed maybe 75% of the time and while this is positive every time I am rejected for the position due to a lack of "Recent Experience" apparently that is what is completely screwing me. I am came a distant second several times due to the other person having recent experience. Most Grant applications are down with for this season in Australia meaning there will be very few positions between now and same time next year.
I need a radical change in the pattern of my life I have tried to change things with integrity, honesty and hard work. Docken I have literally tried everything but the final word from the University was a no go as nothing was written down and it was verbal, one professor did support me but the final word is with one person and the answer was still no due to the reason that research experience was not appropriate for the course, if I want to take things further I am going to have to hire a lawyer. Which I am not in a position to do money wise.
I really think I can't take much more of this. I need to change things to get a break from life, I'm pretty close to been homeless due to money issues. The road really has been too long and hard I just don't know how much longer I can go on with everything always failing.