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Moving in with a Twist

KhoalaKhoala Registered User regular
edited April 2011 in Help / Advice Forum
I have a situation with my SO (let's call him Jerry) and his best-friend (let's call him Tom). Now, Tom & Jerry were in a loving and committed relationship for 3 years. After they broke up, they remained friends for 2 more years and probably many more years to come. They are also housemates.

Now, Jerry and I have been romantically involved for awhile and have been discussing living with each other, or at least have me move closer to him. I currently live an hour's drive away, and have been sleeping over at his place 5-6 nights a week. He wanted me to move-in with him and Tom, in their two-bedroom place. Tom is kind of iffy on the idea because seeing us holding hands or hugging is still a little strange for him. I do not like this idea because I respect Tom and think the whole thing is weird in general. The next logical step or compromise seems to be to move closer, but not in.

Note: Tom's relationship with me has been growing and getting closer. I honestly believe that we would be close friends if not for the awkwardness of me dating his ex.

For the past 8 months, I have been looking for a place in SF to move to. My search parameters are stringent enough to yield about 1 possibility per month. Then I found something on craigslist that has prompted the creation of this thread. A 1-bedroom in-law unit exactly how I want has become available... underneath Tom & Jerry's place. It would be like moving in with them, but still separate. It's almost too good to be true.

Jerry says, "OH GOD YES, TAKE IT!"
Tom says, "You should take it. It benefits everyone, including myself."

So, should I take the downstairs in-law unit for myself? Would that be weird? Is it too close for comfort?

Khoala on

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    The Crowing OneThe Crowing One Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    Take it.

    You all have specified boundaries based on the layout and you seem to be open and honest with both of them. Be close, but not in-their-face.

    Seems perfect.

    The Crowing One on
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    Reverend_ChaosReverend_Chaos Suit Up! Spokane WARegistered User regular
    edited April 2011
    Sounds like a perfect match.

    Sounds to me like the only person that you need to worry about is Tom, and he sounds relatively calm about it. If you are still unsure I would sit down with him and have a no bullshit talk about it. You are obviously very respectful of their situation, and I think he should appreciate that. Let him voice any concern that he might have. If you do this, and he tells you to do it, he has no legitimate complaint down the road. Also, if you are staying over that much, you are practically living there anyway.

    Reverend_Chaos on
    “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”
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    ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    If you move in downstairs, Tom will actually probably see less of you, since you can spend time with Jerry hanging out at your place at least some of the time.

    And if they're going to live together, Tom is going to have to just suck it up and deal to some degree. I'm not saying you should be deliberately hurtful or inconsiderate or anything like that, but Jerry can't be expected to take a vow of celibacy just because him dating might hurt Tom's feelings.

    Thanatos on
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    MuddBuddMuddBudd Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    Question. Why isn't Tom moving into the in-law so you can move in with Jerry?

    -edit-

    I understand the respect in not wanting to demand he move out, but since the in-law is right there, It seems like this might be a better solution, if Jerry wants to live with you. I wouldn't recommend it if it was just some random apartment a few blocks away.

    MuddBudd on
    There's no plan, there's no race to be run
    The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
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    KhoalaKhoala Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    MuddBudd wrote: »
    Question. Why isn't Tom moving into the in-law so you can move in with Jerry?

    Tom did suggest he take the in-law and I live with Jerry, but I declined. It's difficult for me to describe the uncomfortable feeling I get when I think of moving in to a home where there was a failed relationship. It feels like I am physically replacing someone. I know I'm being a bit silly, but that's just a mental block I'm not going to push.

    In fact, since several of you guys think me moving into the in-law is a great idea, the whole thing just might be one big mental block on my part :lol:

    I will talk to Tom tomorrow and see if he feels the same as he did before.

    Khoala on
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    MuddBuddMuddBudd Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    Khoala wrote: »
    MuddBudd wrote: »
    Question. Why isn't Tom moving into the in-law so you can move in with Jerry?

    Tom did suggest he take the in-law and I live with Jerry, but I declined. It's difficult for me to describe the uncomfortable feeling I get when I think of moving in to a home where there was a failed relationship. It feels like I am physically replacing someone. I know I'm being a bit silly, but that's just a mental block I'm not going to push.

    In fact, since several of you guys think me moving into the in-law is a great idea, the whole thing just might be one big mental block on my part :lol:

    I will talk to Tom tomorrow and see if he feels the same as he did before.

    No offense, but that is exactly what you'd be doing. That's just something that happens in life. At least take the in-law, so when you decide to move in with Jerry for real, you can just swap with Tom. Or be able to share a moving truck with Jerry and go get an entirely new place.

    MuddBudd on
    There's no plan, there's no race to be run
    The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
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    ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited April 2011
    Khoala wrote: »
    MuddBudd wrote: »
    Question. Why isn't Tom moving into the in-law so you can move in with Jerry?

    Tom did suggest he take the in-law and I live with Jerry, but I declined. It's difficult for me to describe the uncomfortable feeling I get when I think of moving in to a home where there was a failed relationship. It feels like I am physically replacing someone. I know I'm being a bit silly, but that's just a mental block I'm not going to push.

    In fact, since several of you guys think me moving into the in-law is a great idea, the whole thing just might be one big mental block on my part :lol:

    I will talk to Tom tomorrow and see if he feels the same as he did before.
    Dude, move in with him. I assumed you weren't doing it because the relationship was so new, you didn't want to jump into something so quickly, or something like that. Seriously, if he invited you to do it, and you want to do it, do it. It's not your fault that their relationship didn't work out, and they both need to move on. If anything, it will be good for Tom to get away from being in quite such close physical proximity to his ex, and let him move on more quickly.

    Thanatos on
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