I'd rather not go to the pity party.

Skullo

Okay H/A. Big question: How do you tell someone who cannot take criticism to stop acting like a victim and suck it up? Is there even a nice way to do this?


Circumstances:
(Since it usually get's asked: We're in our 20s. I'm a grad student, she's a professional/soon to be grad student)

My girlfriend is leaving a job she enjoys in July to start going to grad school. She knew she was leaving, and so did her boss and coworkers. Now, she's close with her boss and most of her coworkers, but lately, she's been acting as if they're all against her, and it is incredibly hard to not view it as her acting childish.

Scenario A: The boss hired a new girl to work alongside the GF. Said new hire was actually hired with the real version (long story) of my girlfriend's job in mind. The GF knew this, and has even been training the new hire to take over. This has gone on for months. Now that it's coming close to leaving time, the new hire has been "officially" promoted, and has started to go to meetings/events/trainings, instead of my GF.

The GF has taken to acting like her boss is doing this out of spite, wondering why her friend got the job and she "wasn't even asked if she wanted it." When I suggest that she's put in charge of certain things while the new girl is trained is because her boss trusts her, she'll dismiss it with statements like "I don't know why the super-girl can't handle it" or "Why don't they have the new golden child do it." When her coworker talks about aspects of the job (like going to a conference that my GF isn't being sent to), she gets upset, saying that they're rubbing it in her face and are being "mean" to her.

Scenario B: Similar circumstances, different people. I was hired by her boss to do some consulting work (a really simple social media gig). Tonight, when asking my GF some questions about some of the work that's already been done, she gets all quiet. When pressed, she gets upset, and pulls the same "I just don't understand why I wasn't asked to do it." and "I love this stuff, why not ME?" "Why did YOU go get it?" (I go to school for this kind of stuff.)

Scenario C: It was recently my GF's birthday. It's the new girl's birthday this week as well. Another coworker mentioned making a cake for the new girl - cue crying.


I can understand being jealous - her friend is not only basically replacing her, but is doing the same job but will be getting benefits/better pay/etc once she's fully integrated into the position. So, yeah, jealousy is natural and it sucks. But she's an adult and a professional, but is acting like she is owed something. This has been going on for a few weeks now, and it's getting harder and harder to just sit there and say "Yeah, that sucks." I've tried talking to her, but she claims I'm taking their side and that I'm blaming her for feeling sad.

I've met all these people, and I highly doubt they're being spiteful/mean/doing it on purpose. I also know my girlfriend, and she tends to be overly sensitive.

ceres

It does sound like she's being overly sensitive, but it's a really tough thing to go through. It's hard to watch the people around you move on before you're ready for them to. It hurts and it sucks and it's been going on for a long time and usually you only have to deal with it for two weeks where this has been a much longer process.

But the thing she needs to keep in mind here is that she's leaving them. She is going to grad school to train to do bigger and better things and if she can keep it together for this last little bit of time chances are probably pretty good that she can even go back there if she chooses to, for a better job and better pay than she had before, depending on the nature of the company and her schooling.

I am the worst person at transitions - really terrible at them. But eventually you have to make them anyway. It doesn't sound like she has that much longer, and once she's begun the next phase of her life this won't seem like such a big deal.

Maybe when she starts up you can get her to think about starting school instead? Does she get excited about school at all?

Iceman.USAF

Quitting a job is one of the most stressful things a person can do. Followed closely by purchasing a home and moving.

I mean, being supportive is awesome, but she needs to understand there are limits to your patience.

She's leaving soon yes? Hopefully she'll refocus once classes start.

RadicalTurnip

In short: no. There is no nice way to do this.

I'd say just keep doing what you're doing. It does get annoying when your SO keeps being a Debbie Downer, but you know when the end is coming, right? The end is in sight? Just push on toward the goal. Rational explanations (while they actually rarely help in the circumstance) could maybe help her overall.

*make sure* to show her that you love her and that she's important to you, and encourage her to pick up some old acquittances (not at the job) and hang around them. SO jealousy is one of the suckiest things. I've dealt with it myself, so good luck there. Even rational reasons feel like you're defending yourself, when in actuality you may be trying to explain it to them. Good luck.

JebusUD

It is probably merely a matter of tone. If you go in being all "Suck it up, bitch" poor outcomes ensue. Maybe try a different and more understanding tone? You don't have to agree with her to be understanding.

That or just say you don't want to talk about it anymore.

kaliyama

WTF is wring with your GF? She is leaving her job and she's upset she's being Replaced? Tell her the sign they like her is the they didn't let er go sooner sand are letting her work alongside her replacement.

Skullo

Yeah, writing that post so late made me come of a bit harsher than I meant: I am DEFINITELY not approaching it like "Suck it up Bitch", but I AM wondering if that's what she needs, since she hears the explanations as me not standing up for her (like some of you noted).

She'll be leaving in approx. two months, but this has been going on for a few weeks now. And yeah, I understand WHY she's feeling this way (jealousy/stress is no fun for anyone), it's just really tough when it's ALL she's thinking about (and then involving me in it as well).

One of my big concerns is that she's going to ruin this for herself. Her coworkers are all great people, and her boss is an excellent person to know for networking purposes. I don't want her to sour the past two years over this, and look back on it like a bad experience.

The worst part about it isn't her being jealous of anyone; she can get over that eventually, or at least realize that she feels that way but they're not doing anything out of spite. The problem I have is with her sense of entitlement: Her boss basically made up her current job out of the blue specifically for my GF (again, long story), and that along with her relationship with her boss (she's kinda mom-like) seems to make my GF think that she should be asked/offered/given things before anyone else. She needs to realize that it's a real working environment, and that she probably wasn't offered for a reason.

Of course, it's impossible to say that.

ceres

Burning the bridge is definitely a concern. If they're keeping her on and paying her for another two months despite the fact that she is completely superfluous now (and let's be honest, she is) they clearly like her very much. I'm not really sure the best way to impart this to her because I don't know her, but she needs to understand it. The place she's working for is probably not in the business of giving away money, but that's basically what they're doing right now, and that probably doesn't seem like much of a gesture, but it is.

I would be encouraging while still trying to give some perspective where you can, but at some point you're probably going to have to say "look, I understand how important this is to you and that this is a difficult transition for you, but you're being ridiculous and you are going to sour your relationship with people who clearly like you if you don't pull it together."

Once you've said it (and don't make the mistake of repeating it over and over), there's not much more you can do. It kind of sounds like this was her first job and she's never quit a job before so she doesn't understand how it normally works; she's not thinking about the place as a business, but as a family that's just letting her leave and not even looking back, especially if she has such a close relationship with her boss. She is an adult, and you understand that even if she doesn't at the moment, so know that there probably isn't a lot you can do or say if she isn't inclined to listen. She's responsible for her behavior, and she could quite easily make things awkward, but if she's going to there is probably little you can do to prevent it.

Skullo

Yeah, that third paragraph is spot on. Thanks Ceres.

ChopperDave

This is a tricky situation. What you've got here is a confirmation bias negative feedback loop; your girlfriend is starting from an understandable but false premise -- one borne from feelings of abandonment and jealousy -- and due to her stress she's seeing everything confirm her suspicions of her co-workers' ostracizing her, creating strong emotions that prevent her from taking a step back from the situation. This sort of thing happens to everyone, particularly around major changes and events, and there's no really easy way to deal with it.

On the one hand, your girlfriend needs support, because while her problems crumble under logical scrutiny, her emotions are very real to her. On the other hand, she does need a cold dose of reality to snap her our of her confirmation bias loop before she does something that will damage herself and her relationship with her co-workers. You really have to thread a needle here, and even if you succeed the fallout won't be pretty.

My advice...

DO NOT:

- Tell her she's being immature, or that she needs to "grow up." This may be true, but there's no quicker way to get her to shut her ears to you aside from punching her in the face.

- Tell her that she's being irrational. Again, no one likes to hear that.

- Tell her that her emotions are "wrong" or that she's "overreacting." Her emotions are very real to her, and belittling them won't help her get past them.

- Continue to be her pity-party. Smiling and nodding until she cools off might be the easy solution here, but you're only helping to fuel her simmering resentment. She needs to understand that while you're there to help her get through this stressful period (by cooking her dinner, or taking her on a relaxing date, holding a punching bag, or giving her a footrub) she loses the privilege of your company when she begins to whine about her situation at work.

- Let her belittle you. Scenario B was not cool; she was basically telling you "I'm better than you and deserved this project more." That was hurtful, and the next time she crosses that line you need to let her know, immediately, that it's not okay.

DO:

- Tell her that while her emotions are understandable, she's letting them cloud her judgment, and if she continues to behave the way she does she may burn some bridges. This is a good companion argument to the "You're being hurtful to me" argument, as that'll help her see that she's accidentally lashing out against people who care about her.

- Tell her that she may not be seeing all sides of this. Explain to her, again and again if necessary, that her boss is actually doing her a lot of favors and that neither the "golden girl" nor her co-workers are out to get her.

- Remind her that she's going to grad school in two months, for Pete's sake, and she could be getting psyched up about all the opportunities that's going to create for her rather than being miserable about the doors that are shutting behind her. Remind her that she can come back with her shiny degree, if she wants, and get a way better position and salary than the golden girl!

- Tell her that the real world is unfair, and that few people (even her co-workers) are going to do her any favors, and that her bosses, co-workers, friends, etc don't owe her a damn thing and that she needs to SUCK IT UP because that's just the way the world is. As a counterpoint, tell her that her boss is actually doing her a tremendous favor by allowing her to work so long and maintain so much responsibility when she already has one foot out the door, and she should be grateful that the woman is doing her that much rather than being a conceited brat and asking for more.


Is that last part mean? Hell yes, it is. But when you're wallowing in self-pity it often takes a nice cold slap to get you to snap out of it. Don't be afraid to be blunt or even harsh... just make sure that you're saying the right things, and not to overdo it. (Once it's clear your words have sunk in, don't repeat them and do NOT gloat or appear self-righteous.)

Like I said earlier, the fallout probably won't be pretty. I've had to be this guy for my girlfriend before, and I can say from experience that there will probably be screaming or tears or temper tantrums. But once you're on the other side of that, she'll hopefully realize that you have a point and redress her behavior. She may even thank you for your honesty down the road; I know my girlfriend often does.

Skullo

Solid advice. Thanks!