My Emotions are Less of a Mess, Now I'm Starting to Move Forward

CaptainNemo

Title.

My mother died a few years ago. My father, a man I had never seen cry before, started breaking down in sobbing tears frequently. In order to, I dunno, be strong for him or something, I kept it bottled up. Most of the weeks after were spent by me in a daze.

Now I have insomnia, I ache all over, and when I'm not deeply sad everything is just kind of hazy. My memory is screwed up. I've only got a little while left to square away my schooling. I'm paranoid, and small things keep irritating me, and seemingly minor things set me off.

Last night, I did something terribly stupid and immature on another forum, and there was the slight possibility of getting an ISP complaint. I squared away the problem, and have received no notifications regarding it. But I barely slept that night I felt so terrible. I still feel scared about the complaint. Which brings me to my point.

I keep overreacting about things as a way to release my emotional strains.

I'm a mess, and I don't know what to do. I've heard I should try therapy, but the idea of revealing so much about myself makes me uncomfortable. Just writing this out is a challenge.

Docken

From the sounds of it, you really do need to get into some therapy.

You don't want to keep going the way you're going... you'll grind yourself down to nothing and eventually the life you have won't really exist anymore. It already sounds like you're coming apart based on what you are saying.

Pretending everything is fine is like sitting on a ticking bomb and unfortunately the nature of depression means that normally you alone can't "fix" it.

Do you have any school resources to help you? You know you can often go in an talk about anything for a bit, get a feel for things and see if you feel comfortable going further...

Aldo

How is your dad doing now? Is he aware of your problems? Have you taken time off life and whatever responsibilities you have to give your loss a place? These aren't questions you have to answer right here, but they might be sensible subjects to think about.

I think you'd do well talking to a therapist, they are not allowed to tell anyone else about your problems and will do their best (provided you find a decent one, of course) to give you some perspective and work with you to find a way to make you feel better again.

Also: the things you describe sound a lot like stress. Try unwinding after a day's work. Set time apart for yourself without any of the usual distractions.

CaptainNemo

My dad has TN, Trigenial Neurosia I think is how it's spelled. He suffers from seizures and has to take a lot of medications for it. I really worry about him. I've been so focused on one thing or another that I really haven't taken the time to deal with my grief. I've talked to the school counselor repeatedly, and she helped, but the same feeling of coldness and dread keeps seeping back in, especially when I try to sleep. Whenever I finish something it feels like a new thing to stress over appears.

Whenever I try to relax, I feel like I'm just wasting time I should be working on stuff in. I use video games, books, and the Internet to try to escape from the pain.

I just feel burned out and tired all the time, and my lung problems don't help that.

Skeith

Try writing about it. Not necessarily to us, if you don't like revealing that sort of thing to people, but in a journal or something that you can just keep out of sight of other people. If you get comfortable writing in it, maybe it'll help; seeing a therapist would be even better, but if you want to take little steps this is a good way to start. Maybe a change of scenery would help-- is going somewhere for a few days/a week feasible? Memorial Day is coming up, or since you're a student, summer vacation is also coming up presumably.

CaptainNemo

Washington is pretty dreary, I must admit. Summer Vacation is coming soon, maybe I can try to get a trip together with my friends.

ceres

This exact sort of thing is one of the (many) the reasons I'm in therapy now, and your reason for avoiding it is why my many previous attempts at therapy were fruitless. I never put any stock in that stuff, and as someone who is still suffering two losses from eight years ago like it was yesterday, I really think you should go through the therapist-finding process, find one that you really click with, and talk to them.

Unfortunately, you'll find that once you do you have a whole new set of problems to face, namely the grief itself. It's not going to be easy and it's going to hurt a lot, but it sounds like at this point you are starting to realize that you're hurting yourself this way too.

I have pretty direct experience with dealing with this, so you can PM me (or IM me later today) if you want to.

Brooklyn.Nick

The toughest thing about therapy is starting it. There is a tremendous stigma attached to it, the idea that seeing help for mental problems is a sign of weakness (unlike "real", physical ones). It takes a lot of courage to approach a stranger and say, "I need help." It also took courage to write that on a forum. Be proud of yourself, and enter therapy when you're fully committed to being healthy. Remember, it isn't surgery, it's rehab: what you put into it, on your own time, will be what you get out of it.

I'd recommend finding a good Cognitive-Behavioral Psychiatrist. The goal you set seems to be self-control, and it is doable. It's not necessarily about "revealing yourself": it could be as simple as finding a good relaxation technique.

Thanks for sharing.

Corvus

CaptainNemo wrote: »

I'm a mess, and I don't know what to do. I've heard I should try therapy, but the idea of revealing so much about myself makes me uncomfortable. Just writing this out is a challenge.

It probably will be uncomfortable to go into therapy at first. But that doesn't mean it isn't worth doing. I've lost a parent and it was incredibly traumatic.

You current situation, you don't want to continue handling it the way you have been. It is very easy when you are caring for an ill family member to neglect your own needs and shunt them off to the side. But you've got to take care of yourself too.

Look at it like this, what do you have to lose from checking out treatement options for yourself? You're feeling pretty shitty right now, and the therapist isn't going to make you wear a tinfoil hat around town or anything. ;-) You can be as open or as private about it as you want, it is totally within your control.

Bagginses

I'm pretty sure all information given to a therapist is privileged, so sharing personal information will stay between you and someone used to the kind of things you'll tell him.

Raern

If you're not happy where you're at, then it's worth the risk of talking to a therapist to make things better in the end.

A therapist isn't going to interrogate you and force you to spill all your secrets, the idea is to help you examine your own feelings and situation and find answers that make things better for you. They ask a lot of leading questions intended to help you put things in perspective.

Zombie Nirvana

You haven't grieved properly for events in your life. And you're probably under more stress than you realize. Start writing about things, events, how you felt. And get yourself to a therapist and open up. You'll be surprised at what might come out of your mouth naturally when you stop holding back.

I spent about 15 years in a haze of non-reality and almost lost a marriage because of grief and resentment. Gotta be careful with that stuff or it'll eat you up. Let go and start to connect with people you trust.

Bagginses

Zombie Nirvana wrote: »

You haven't grieved properly for events in your life. And you're probably under more stress than you realize. Start writing about things, events, how you felt. And get yourself to a therapist and open up. You'll be surprised at what might come out of your mouth naturally when you stop holding back.

I spent about 15 years in a haze of non-reality and almost lost a marriage because of grief and resentment. Gotta be careful with that stuff or it'll eat you up. Let go and start to connect with people you trust.

Actually, rumination/"catharsis" has been found to make the emotions worse by keeping them active. Evidently, emotions are like fire.

CaptainNemo

A lot of the time I'm okay, but late at night, when I'm alone and can't sleep I just feel so helpless and broken and just a thousand damn things I don't even know how to talk about.

By the way, in case I do get an ISP complaint, what will happen? I've never gotten one before and I always pay the bill, does it go on some kind of record? Will I get a notice?

There, you see? That's what happens to me. I start getting all paranoid and scared and then I start to lash out at people and dammit. I do need a therapist. Does anyone know how to start looking for one? I mean, what do I look for? How do I know they're reputable?

ceres

Are you in college at all, even part-time? The counseling center at your school is a good place to start, and usually free.

Whippy

You said you lived in Washington? Where? Washington state? I live near Seattle, and have been going to therapy for the last few years. I've got connections and advice, if you want it. How old are you? You can PM me if that'd make you more comfortable.

LaPuzza

I'm curious about the age thing too. I'm in almost exactly that same boat, but my advice would be seen as horribly insensitive if OP turns out to by 14.

CaptainNemo

I'll be eighteen in a month. Feel free to say anything, it can't be worse then what I think about at three a.m/

Hikkins

Since nobody else has mentioned them yet, you seriously need to consider anti-depressants, as well as therapy.

Anti-depressants on their own won't fix all of your problems, and that's why you need therapy, but taking them will allow you to function well enough to start dealing with your problems.

Some anti-depressants will help you with your sleep issues as well. I was on mirtazapine for a while, and despite the fact I've been an insomniac all my life, I slept like a log every single night I was on that stuff.

Forar

I was in therapy during my parents' divorce and following my father's death, and I felt it was a highly useful period helping me understand and cope with a rough period in my life.

I would strongly reccomend seeking professional assistance.

DivideByZero

One thing I can say about therapy: it's never as bad as you're thinking it's going to be. I completely understand how you're apprehensive about opening up to a total stranger and letting out all of these feelings that you've kept inside for so long (I'm very much the same way!) but think of it this way:

Your therapist is not there to judge you.
Anything you tell them is kept in confidence (generally speaking).
Anything you tell them, they've probably heard worse from somebody else.

Honestly I found it a lot easier to talk to a therapist about my problems than a friend or family member, just because they can be objective and emotionally detached. I didn't have to worry about saying something that could harm a friendship or family relationship, because it's all professional. There is less "at stake" if you know what I mean - in fact, there's nothing "at stake." Nothing you say is going to hurt their feelings, or make them think less of you.

It's just a matter of finding the right therapist, and that's the hardest part. Do you have health insurance? If so, you can go through them to find a list of in-network therapists in your area, and just start calling them.

LaPuzza

At 18, I'm gonna say that you need someone to talk to about this. Close friends can be extremely valuable, but if you are either a private person or don't have friends that close, then a therapist is a good choice.

Like they say on an airplane: put your oxygen mask in first before helping others. If you're not OK, you can't be of real help to anyone else.

I forgot to say in my last post: I'm sorry for your loss, and your burden. I hope you father appreciates everything you are doing for him and going through, in part, for him.

Euphoriac

Since this topic is hitting so close to home; rather than make my own thread i'll ask here:

Where would someone not in any school or college get a therapist in the UK? I assume through my GP?


Sorry for your loss CP, I feel your pain. My own loss was very recent so if you want anyone to talk to I wouldn't mind being your 'ear' at all. Hell, you'd probably be doing me a favour too.

Aldo

Euphoriac wrote: »

Since this topic is hitting so close to home; rather than make my own thread i'll ask here:

Where would someone not in any school or college get a therapist in the UK? I assume through my GP?


Sorry for your loss CP, I feel your pain. My own loss was very recent so if you want anyone to talk to I wouldn't mind being your 'ear' at all. Hell, you'd probably be doing me a favour too.

Your GP can always send you through to the right people, that's half the reason why the exist. You could also check with the Yellow Pages.

CaptainNemo

Here's the thing: I don't want to talk about it. I know I have to, but it hurts. And I'm so tired of pain and I just want to feel happy again for a while without having to worry about how it's going to fall apart for me.

And if someone could explain to me ISP complaints that would really, really help. I know that sounds stupid, but whenever something could possibly go wrong for me I always assume the worst possible outcome will occur and cold dread starts swimming around in my stomach.

ceres

Your ISP question is buried in a thread about emotions.. you might want to start a new one for it if that's all you want people to address right now.

Bagginses

CaptainNemo wrote: »

Here's the thing: I don't want to talk about it. I know I have to, but it hurts. And I'm so tired of pain and I just want to feel happy again for a while without having to worry about how it's going to fall apart for me.

And if someone could explain to me ISP complaints that would really, really help. I know that sounds stupid, but whenever something could possibly go wrong for me I always assume the worst possible outcome will occur and cold dread starts swimming around in my stomach.

Unfortunately, it's a lot like dealing with doctors: you have to talk about the symptoms to get proper treatment even if thinking about the symptoms makes your experience of the symptoms more intense.

CaptainNemo

Done. Again, it's stupid, but I always mentally blow things out of proportion.

Derrick

I had the bottling up problem myself. I solved it for myself by being very honest, all the time. If someone was doing something that bothered me, I let them know immediately. There's no need to be an ass about it, but the need to let the emotions out before they start stewing was really important to my emotional health.

Next thing, insomnia. Man oh man was this ever a problem for me. You need exercise. A lot of exercise. Aside from tiring you out to the point that sleep is actually possible, you'll be medicating yourself with endorphins and it will take the edge off your anxiety.

As for the ISP complaint... that's really nothing to worry about. What did you do? Unless you threw a death threat at the President, I think you're fine.

CaptainNemo

Derrick wrote: »

I had the bottling up problem myself. I solved it for myself by being very honest, all the time. If someone was doing something that bothered me, I let them know immediately. There's no need to be an ass about it, but the need to let the emotions out before they start stewing was really important to my emotional health.

That's one thing I definitely need to work on.

Next thing, insomnia. Man oh man was this ever a problem for me. You need exercise. A lot of exercise. Aside from tiring you out to the point that sleep is actually possible, you'll be medicating yourself with endorphins and it will take the edge off your anxiety.

I've started doing that about a few weeks ago, I just need to maintain it. I do some jumping jacks, push ups, sit ups, and lift some five pound weights I found beneath my bed. I'll have to keep a constant schedule for it to work, but, on the plus side, I've already gained a little definition and lost some weight, which helps with my self-esteem.

klokateer9047

I've been avoiding this thread because of how much of this applies to me as well.My mother died only 3 months ago and I've completely lost my drive to do anything but watch tv,go on the internet and eat. which as you can imagine hasn't been doing much for my self esteem. I don't want to go to the guidance counclers at my school because I don't want my dad to know how terrible I feel and worry even more about me on top of everything else. My grades have been going down the drain and I may have to repeat a few classes because of it. I feel like i'm losing my mind. making this post to let it out, I already know I need to get help but I'm just too afraid.

Aldo

klokateer9047 wrote: »

I've been avoiding this thread because of how much of this applies to me as well.My mother died only 3 months ago and I've completely lost my drive to do anything but watch tv,go on the internet and eat. which as you can imagine hasn't been doing much for my self esteem. I don't want to go to the guidance counclers at my school because I don't want my dad to know how terrible I feel and worry even more about me on top of everything else. My grades have been going down the drain and I may have to repeat a few classes because of it. I feel like i'm losing my mind. making this post to let it out, I already know I need to get help but I'm just too afraid.

There's online sources and people you can call as well that won't require your dad to know. I don't know the place to start looking for NYers, so if anyone else could please link that stuff, that'd really help.

This stuff is all super scary, and it's totally OK to feel afraid for the feelings of your other loved ones. But please consider that they want you to be OK as well.

Darlan

I was in a similar position to klok there in high school, and speaking as the guy who didn't seek help back then looking back, you should definitely get help. To avoid making things harder for my dad, I just kind of buried myself in work and school from then on, and sort of just got into the really bad habit of avoiding close relationships and real communication. Only now that I'm job hunting and have nothing but time after graduating to take a hard look at things I fully realize how unhappy and lonely I am. I have great work references and wonderful grades and those mechanical parts of life down, but I just don't really have anyone or thing in my life that makes me truly happy, and that's everything in the end. (Or at least that's how it feels right now, I don't mean to ignore the importance of education here.) I suppose it all started back then when I should have been talking to people but shut myself away instead. Don't do that, seek out someone to talk to.

Not that I mean to imply you'll be exactly like me otherwise, I know there are a lot of other factors, but getting help now will make a big difference in your life.

CaptainNemo

Well well well, thread in which I bared my soul. Long time no see. A couple updates on how things have gone and a new title for the thread. I've graduated school and it's taken a huge load off of my shoulders and I am a lot less stressed out now. I'm taking some time to just relax before I launch myself into work and maybe college.

I've not heard a peep from my ISP in nearly a month, so I find it safe to assume I have nothing to worry about.

I've lost a small amount of weight, which in addition to the graduation is really helping my self esteem.

I visited Mom's grave about two weeks ago. It hurt. But I know she knew how much I loved her.

So now here I am, diploma in one hand, weight in the other, and the sack of trouble around my neck just lost a lot of it's contents. I still know I need some therapy, but right now I'm feeling really, really, good.

Skeith

Glad to hear that having some of the pressure off is helping you that much. It'll probably save you a boatload of therapy too.

redfenix

hi5

and i like your av

spool32

Badass news. Keep chugging along, mate!

CaptainNemo

redfenix wrote: »

hi5

and i like your av

I like your av and sig. We be styling, brah.

I know I already said this, but damn I just feel so relieved to be done with high school. It's like the stick in my ass has been surgically removed. I feel so freed.