The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Relationship - Am I Scum?
Seanron
GlasgowRegistered User regular
GlasgowRegistered User regular
Hey H&A, I don't really know where to begin...
I have been with my partner for six years, and we have been engaged for just over a year. I am 27 and she is 25. I love her and care very deeply for her
She has always suffered from fairly extreme anxiety and very extreme depression throughout her adult life. She has been in hospital and with various therapists throughout the years. She has been mediacted throught our relationship, and very heavily so recently (multiple drugs that I can't even identify in various dosages) Things have been fairly heavy-going this past while and she is in hospital again for an extended stay. This is the worst I have seen her, and I have been there with her through several breakdowns.
Rewind to when we first got engaged: We were living together, we were both working and things were looking good. I thought we were happy and I was content to be together and work toward a future.
Her Grandad then passed away, which was a huge deal for her whole family. They are all very close and large (as opposed to my family who is quite small and immediately close) and this hit her very hard. She had an emotional breakdown because of this and a whole load of other things linked to her depression and stress from work. She was hospitalised on Suicide Watch and basically stopped functioning.
This was very difficult, and I didn't know how to react. I am prone to some anxiety myself and found it difficult talking to her or visiting her. I found it difficult to run our flat alone and eventually we agreed that we had to give it up. I'm not the best person in the world to depend on because I crumble quite easily under stress, but I tried. I found it hard that I couldn't make her happy and that she wanted to end her own life. If I'm honest, I've never really come to terms with that.
She moved back in with her parents when she was discharged, who whilst nice have always been slightly stand-offish with me. I moved into my own one bedroom place, and we tried to get things moving again. She would come stay with me a couple of times a week, but the dynamic had changed in my mind. I was always looking out for anything that would bring her down, trying to shield her from situations that would upset her. She was always very negatve about life and herself. She couldn't return to work out of fear and stress and found being around people very difficult. Her depression never really went away and simply worsened as the months rolled by.
Now: She has gone back into hospital again for an extended stay. She tells me she hears voices and she hurts herself in a fashion I find upsetting and quite horrific (Burns, scars and cuts up her arms, marks and trauma that I couldn't even comprehend inflicting on myself). She tells me she loves me and wishes I could take care of her forever. She talks of our future together.
I can't see it anymore...
I am ashamed to say that I am starting to resent her condition, and I'm terrified that I'll start resenting her because of it. I am afraid to visit her because it is physically upsetting to see her brought so low and when I do work up the guts, I try to keep things light and normal to avoid upsetting her. In the past I wanted to put my feelings behind me to help her, but I feel like I'm all out of fight. I'm tired and I feel spent, which makes me feel guilty. I want to take care of her, but I don't think I can care for her the way she needs.
She recently revealed something majorly bad that happened to her in the past that she hid from me and her family for years which has had a lasting effect on her. She is working now to come to terms with it (I'd prefer not to go into details about it) but I cannot bring myself to even think about it. One, the fact that something terrible happened to her and I couldn't protect her or help fix it and Two, the fact that she hid it from me and three, the fact that I never noticed...
I am a terrible person! I don't think I can be her support anymore. I love her, but it feels like that is not enough. I feel like I am being crushed underneath these problems. I feel like even if she does recover from this, our future will forever be me walking on eggshells to avoid breakdowns and us having to deal with her depression and sorrow.
I just don't think I'm strong enough.
My family and friends are all there for me, and have been wonderfully supportive through this. They all worry about my partner, but all have voiced concern over my own health and how they don't want to see me dragged into a breakdown as well. They understand that she isn't causing me unhappiness intentionally, but they cannot hide their concern that I am massively miserable either. They have stated that although we love each other, perhaps our relationship is doing more harm than good. I would have previously become angry at this suggestion, but I am starting to agree with them although I loathe myself for doing so...
I love my partner and there is nothing I want more than to see her better and back to the way she was. However, I think we have both changed too much to ever be as we were again. I am struggling to see the future we wanted anymore. I don't think I'd be able to care for her and I doubt she'd be able to help me deal with my shit.
I have said none of this to her as I don't want to introduce anything else to bring her down. I have always been a believer that should either of us become unhappy in our relationship that we should be honest. But I feel like scum, feel like I'm running away, feel like a coward and a bastard.
I have considered talking to her Mum & Dad first, to let them know how I'm feeling and what I've been thinking. I imagine it would be easier for them to support her afterward if they knew I wanted to end things. A bit of me is terrified they will react badly, as a part of me believes they see me as another means of support for their daughter, an escape is too strong a word, but something to ease the situation.
Unfortunatley, I am not made of as stern stuff as they are and cannot take they hurt, the sadness and the black anymore.
I don't even know what kind of advice I'm looking for. I know what has to be done, but I am afraid. Afraid that I'd be making a mistake, afriad that considering it makes me a terrible, unforgivable person, afraid that my partner may take it worse than I've feared. I don't know.
H&A - Am I a terrible person? As a separated audience, can you see what I'm seeing right now?
Sorry for rambling so much and for the disjointed nature of the post. I'm finding writing all this down for the first time quite difficult...thanks for your patience...
TL:DR - I am thinking of ending my long term relationship with my fiance because of her depression and my inabilty to deal with it anymore. Am I scum?
Thanks
I have been with my partner for six years, and we have been engaged for just over a year. I am 27 and she is 25. I love her and care very deeply for her
She has always suffered from fairly extreme anxiety and very extreme depression throughout her adult life. She has been in hospital and with various therapists throughout the years. She has been mediacted throught our relationship, and very heavily so recently (multiple drugs that I can't even identify in various dosages) Things have been fairly heavy-going this past while and she is in hospital again for an extended stay. This is the worst I have seen her, and I have been there with her through several breakdowns.
Rewind to when we first got engaged: We were living together, we were both working and things were looking good. I thought we were happy and I was content to be together and work toward a future.
Her Grandad then passed away, which was a huge deal for her whole family. They are all very close and large (as opposed to my family who is quite small and immediately close) and this hit her very hard. She had an emotional breakdown because of this and a whole load of other things linked to her depression and stress from work. She was hospitalised on Suicide Watch and basically stopped functioning.
This was very difficult, and I didn't know how to react. I am prone to some anxiety myself and found it difficult talking to her or visiting her. I found it difficult to run our flat alone and eventually we agreed that we had to give it up. I'm not the best person in the world to depend on because I crumble quite easily under stress, but I tried. I found it hard that I couldn't make her happy and that she wanted to end her own life. If I'm honest, I've never really come to terms with that.
She moved back in with her parents when she was discharged, who whilst nice have always been slightly stand-offish with me. I moved into my own one bedroom place, and we tried to get things moving again. She would come stay with me a couple of times a week, but the dynamic had changed in my mind. I was always looking out for anything that would bring her down, trying to shield her from situations that would upset her. She was always very negatve about life and herself. She couldn't return to work out of fear and stress and found being around people very difficult. Her depression never really went away and simply worsened as the months rolled by.
Now: She has gone back into hospital again for an extended stay. She tells me she hears voices and she hurts herself in a fashion I find upsetting and quite horrific (Burns, scars and cuts up her arms, marks and trauma that I couldn't even comprehend inflicting on myself). She tells me she loves me and wishes I could take care of her forever. She talks of our future together.
I can't see it anymore...
I am ashamed to say that I am starting to resent her condition, and I'm terrified that I'll start resenting her because of it. I am afraid to visit her because it is physically upsetting to see her brought so low and when I do work up the guts, I try to keep things light and normal to avoid upsetting her. In the past I wanted to put my feelings behind me to help her, but I feel like I'm all out of fight. I'm tired and I feel spent, which makes me feel guilty. I want to take care of her, but I don't think I can care for her the way she needs.
She recently revealed something majorly bad that happened to her in the past that she hid from me and her family for years which has had a lasting effect on her. She is working now to come to terms with it (I'd prefer not to go into details about it) but I cannot bring myself to even think about it. One, the fact that something terrible happened to her and I couldn't protect her or help fix it and Two, the fact that she hid it from me and three, the fact that I never noticed...
I am a terrible person! I don't think I can be her support anymore. I love her, but it feels like that is not enough. I feel like I am being crushed underneath these problems. I feel like even if she does recover from this, our future will forever be me walking on eggshells to avoid breakdowns and us having to deal with her depression and sorrow.
I just don't think I'm strong enough.
My family and friends are all there for me, and have been wonderfully supportive through this. They all worry about my partner, but all have voiced concern over my own health and how they don't want to see me dragged into a breakdown as well. They understand that she isn't causing me unhappiness intentionally, but they cannot hide their concern that I am massively miserable either. They have stated that although we love each other, perhaps our relationship is doing more harm than good. I would have previously become angry at this suggestion, but I am starting to agree with them although I loathe myself for doing so...
I love my partner and there is nothing I want more than to see her better and back to the way she was. However, I think we have both changed too much to ever be as we were again. I am struggling to see the future we wanted anymore. I don't think I'd be able to care for her and I doubt she'd be able to help me deal with my shit.
I have said none of this to her as I don't want to introduce anything else to bring her down. I have always been a believer that should either of us become unhappy in our relationship that we should be honest. But I feel like scum, feel like I'm running away, feel like a coward and a bastard.
I have considered talking to her Mum & Dad first, to let them know how I'm feeling and what I've been thinking. I imagine it would be easier for them to support her afterward if they knew I wanted to end things. A bit of me is terrified they will react badly, as a part of me believes they see me as another means of support for their daughter, an escape is too strong a word, but something to ease the situation.
Unfortunatley, I am not made of as stern stuff as they are and cannot take they hurt, the sadness and the black anymore.
I don't even know what kind of advice I'm looking for. I know what has to be done, but I am afraid. Afraid that I'd be making a mistake, afriad that considering it makes me a terrible, unforgivable person, afraid that my partner may take it worse than I've feared. I don't know.
H&A - Am I a terrible person? As a separated audience, can you see what I'm seeing right now?
Sorry for rambling so much and for the disjointed nature of the post. I'm finding writing all this down for the first time quite difficult...thanks for your patience...
TL:DR - I am thinking of ending my long term relationship with my fiance because of her depression and my inabilty to deal with it anymore. Am I scum?
Thanks
PSN: Seanron - XBL: Seanron - Steam: Seanron
Seanron on
0
This discussion has been closed.
Posts
Longer answer: Still no. From the information presented, it sounds like you have been very understanding throughout the situation, to a degree above and beyond the call of duty even.
But it's not your job to fix her, and as much as she was, is and will continue to hurt, all you can do is be supportive while she walks the path to recovery.
However, you also do not have to put your entire life on hold either. As much as you love her and treasure what you had, it does not make you a bad person to ponder stepping back from a situation where you find yourself in over your head. As noble as it is to put aside your own wants, needs and desires for another person's, a relationship can't always be an 80-20 split, which is what it's sounding like.
Now, that said I'm not going to jump on what may or may not become a "break up with her Bandwagon", but I would say that at the very least it might be worthwhile to seek out a counsellor or therapist who can help you with the emotions you're struggling to deal with and need an outlet for expression, at least if you intend to remain in this relationship. And if you chose to step back, to offer your support as a friend rather than a fiance, I doubt she'd be particularly estatic about it, but you are not responsible for the happiness of another, and with life as brief as it is, you deserve to have someone in your life who can at least meet you vaguely half way a good chunk of the time too. Relationships are rarely a 50/50 split all the time, but there does come a point where it's less a partnership of equals than something you endure or survive.
It's not an easy choice to make, and I know a little about what it's like to live with or around someone whom you're essentially walking on eggshells, but you shouldn't have to live in a state where you constantly fear that the slightest thing off or wrong might set her off. That would require perfection, and it's impossible to live up to that standard.
If nothing else, you should probably try to communicate this with her. Not harshly, and preferably before it does become such a big thing that you can't help but burst over it, but as adults in an unfortunate set of circumstances.
As hard as that might be, look at it this way; either you communicate about it and risk upsetting her and/or losing her, or it builds to the point that you end things yourself. Either way you risk things changing, but at least with the former you and her can make as informed and clear a choice as possible, rather than choosing for her. As noted, this isn't exactly an easy or happy topic to bring to someone who is suffering, but at the same time I doubt feeling like someone else was taking control over an aspect of her life away would go over well either.
Good luck.
So i will say this, Do what is best for your health and well being, doing this does not make you scum. If this means ending it with her, then you should do that. If you go that route though i would do the talking to her parents before you talk to her. Talk to them about everything and let them know that you have tried and can't sustain the stress anymore. I think they will be understanding and this will give them a heads up for what is to come.
When you do talk to her and her parents about it, i would suggest you write everything down first. You want to use the most appropriate words. You want to try and do your best to not give her a reason to hurt herself more.
I wish you the best of luck in this situation.
XBox: Loki HKD
PSN: Loki_HKD
Essentially, you feel a need to rescue this girl from her problems. Even if it means abandoning your own needs. More over, you feel guilty for considering your own needs.
Its pretty common, and totally understandable.
It sounds like you have done a lot to help her, and the relationship. So, you are not being scum by hitting the road at the first sign of trouble.
In the end, you are correct. Its likely that you are not equipped to "fix" this girl. Sticking around, and trying to do so is likely to result in you resenting her in the end.
Life is short and you deserve a chance at happiness, if you don't believe you will find it here with this girl. Then moving on to find it elsewhere is not selfish.
This.
It is extraordinarily hard to take care of someone going through rough times. You have your limits just like she did. For her, it was her family being unraveled, for you, it was being defenseless as she slipped into the throws of depression and possibly insanity.
It's not your fault. There was nothing you could do and nothing you can do to prevent her from being her or feeling how she feels. Understand it. It's difficult and I still struggle with coming to terms with people feeling and acting towards things differently than I, in seemingly crazy and nonsensical ways.
You're going to feel bad about breaking up with her because you have feelings, obviously. It sucks, it's shitty, but you are not a bad person for it. You're also going to have to learn that, because you can't control her actions, she may do something to hurt herself and it may be in retaliation because of you.
As weird as it is and will feel, you'll have to disconnect yourself from her because it may be devastating if she attempts suicide after you break up with her. You'll feel like its your fault.
She also needs help, serious help. Mental institution help, schizophrenia is no laughing matter. The last thing you want is for her to hurt herself, or worse, someone else because voices told her to. And as sad as it is, yes, stress can do that to someone. It's very possible she was borderline before the death in the family and that caused her to snap, similar to how you snapped over the pressure of her being sick.
You're okay dude. No one is going to be mad at you, or at least, it's not really something you should be concerned about if they are. You have feelings, wants, and needs too, just like everyone else.
You're not a bad person because of this, and no one here will tell you that (read: no one here better tell you that). Her parents know her, and if they're reasonable people I think it's actually a good idea to sit and talk with them, just because it's been such a long-term relationship. While I think it's okay for you to want to break up with her at this point (and okay if you decide to), I maybe wouldn't make the decision until you've talked to them, and possibly seen a therapist yourself, simply because it doesn't sound like something you've ever tried and you really seem to love her.
If you're done you're done, but if you're not sure I do urge you to seek your own therapy before you make the final decision.
There are ways out of this that do not end in a breakup, but without someone to talk to, you're not going to make it. Get a therapist, preferably one she talks to as well. Or a priest. Or someone. Protecting yourself is not necessarily the best solution over the long haul, if you are committed to a long haul.
If she's making you miserable, then you shouldn't stay with her. Either get through your own difficulties, or leave. But don't stay and be unhappy for the rest of your life.
also: couple's therapy!
You are only part of a relationship. If you consider that a relationship is 100%, you are 50% and she is 50%. In a good relationship, that amount can shift -- 60/40, 80/20, even 99/1. But it should tends towards both parties being equal, in their own way, and shifts should be fluid.
Which is a very academic way of saying that she is also a part of your relationship and has her own responsibilities. Right now, it sounds like she is not in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship, even if she is unaware of that herself. Basically, I think she needs to really focus on herself and getting herself into the right place, and honestly? it sounds like she's putting too much emphasis on the relationship and you to be able to get there herself.
By going through this experience, you understand more about yourself. That's always worthwhile, even if the experience itself sucks. You can reflect on your own personality and you've said, to us (and yourself), "I can't be in this sort of relationship, it doesn't meet my own personal needs and I see no way this can make me happy. My girlfriend is no longer the person I fell in love with, or this experience has shown that she is the person I fell in love with and that is not someone I can love as a future spouse."
Or whatever your own internal reasoning is. You're not wrong to look out for yourself, and any relationship has a mix of selflessness and selfishness.
Does she accept/acknowledge that she needs medical assistance/help?
I understand that she has been in and out of the hospital and what not, but has she actually said she needs to be there?
I know it doesn't change the fact that she is there and they are trying to help her.
XBox: Loki HKD
PSN: Loki_HKD
This, if you still have feelings for her and still have a hope for a future together and don't just want to leave.
The terrible thing that happened to her is nothing you could have changed or done anything about, so don't get too worked up about it. It won't help if you feel guilty and there is no need to do so. I know it is hard to ignore that feeling, but it is wrong.
And chances are that she hid it from you(and everyone else) because she was ashamed, which is quite common in victims of what I am thinking you are talking about. Her not telling you is not a sign of her not valuing you.
So if that revelation from her is freaking you out, please try to step back and detach yourself from it, because there is nothing you can change about what happened and it is almost 100% something you could not have predicted or prevented because things just don't work that way and you can not always expect the worst.
It seems like you have a deep and complex relationship, and so I recommend you avoid hasty decisions. Don't take that to mean "stay with her forever," simply make sure to think things over.
The direction her recovery may take is something to consider, and your role in it as well. Does your presence enable her behavior? Is she taking a course of action which will lead to her recovery, or the best course of action available? Is she medicated, is she seeing a professional for medical help regarding her condition, and is she willing to undergo therapy or medication to improve her situation?
So maybe consider which direction she's moving and which direction she's trying to move to figure out where she will be in the future. This isn't a moralistic argument, I'm not saying "if she's curing her insanity by magic bootstraps stay with her!" but there's a very significant difference between being crazy and depressed and trying to recover or simply wallowing in it. If she's on a path to recovery, this is more likely a temporary phase. If she's not, well...
Ultimately, when you're in a relationship you have an obligation to care for and love your partner, but that obligation doesn't require that you ruin your life or hate yourself to salvage something that's falling apart. Being trapped in a miserable relationship will do you no favors and will do her no favors. If you're unhappy in the relationship and there's no way to improve it or reconcile those feelings, the relationship needs to end.
I am by no means a doctor, therapist, counselor, or professional, so don't take this as any kind of serious diagnosis. You've been intentionally vague (for good reason) so details are very limited, but I get a feel from your post that her condition is bad, getting worse, and not likely to improve. I see no mention of "she's doing X to recover" or "her specialist says she needs this medication or this therapy or should try this program."
Furthermore, the relationship sounds unhealthy, you're miserable and she's telling you how she loves you and wants / expects you to take care of you forever--are you her boyfriend, lover, or nurse? People in bad relationships can become very manipulative, even without attempting to do so, and you should avoid a situation where she expects you to be her salvation. Her happiness and sanity are things she needs to take responsibility for (as best she is able), she cannot shift all the burdens of her life onto you, and while I am in no way saying that is what's happening, the little bits of information provided have some very unpleasant warning signs.
In short, you have no obligation to ruin your life for this girl and even if you tried, staying in a miserable relationship to try and make somebody happy doesn't work. They're stuck in a miserable relationship with you, they just might be able to deceive themselves about it for a while. If you see a path to recovery, then maybe this is a relationship you can salvage and stay in. Ups and downs are normal, even if this sounds like a rather dramatic "down."
If not, its time end the relationship and cut losses. Not just yours, but hers as well.
I do have some advice from a similar situation I went through. Not as extreme, but similar.
Eventually I explained to her exactly how I felt and told her that she needed to find the strength to overcome her depression and treat me in a way that I could stand, otherwise it just wasn't possible for me to continue dating her, but that I wanted to make it work.
The conversation provided a starting point where she understood how she had been hurting me, and it gave her motivation to work with me on alleviating her depression and repairing our relationship.
Now maybe you're at a point where you just want to move on with your life, and that would be completely valid, but I definitely recommend being upfront and honest with her about your feelings if you still want to try and salvage the relationship.
There's no future going forward if she continues to inadvertently hurt you and you continue to hide the problem from her.
Basically this. Relationships aren't one way streets, and I think when people completely lose their individuality in a relationship - they are essentially destroying themselves.
She needs to focus on bettering herself. It's not going to happen as long as she can use you as a pseudo crutch. Be supportive - be there for her, but there's a limit to what you can do for her and you, and she, need to recognize that.
Without her.
If you want to talk, I'm around. Feel free to PM me or IM me; I have some related experience, from perhaps a different perspective.
if you do make the decision to leave, make sure it is final. Emotionally clear yourself of her as soon as you can.
I had a friend go through a similar situation, and what eventually happened was his ex-partner called him, constantly, for weeks, begging to be taken back, detailing all of her problems, and eventually guilt tripped him into coming back. This cycle repeated several times before he managed to resist the guilt trip to come back.
If you decide to stay, stay. if you decide to go, go. But make your decision and stand by it.
In your position, I would seek out some sort out some sort of counseling in the short term. You sound like you're in a really hard emotional place right now, and that's often not the best place to be making decisions from. A trained third party will be a huge benefit to helping you sort through all these different conflicting feelings you have and begin to make sense of them. In particular you may want to work with a counselor on ways of expressing yourself to your fiance emotionally. It sounds like a lot has been held back, on both sides, and that's a bad starting point to try to make things better.
Then once you're in a slightly more stable place, I think talking to her parents about things might be a good idea. I'm sure they're also troubled right now, I don't know a parent that wouldn't be, and the three of you together might be able to provide each other some support through this difficult time.
Finally, don't feel as if you have to rush to any severe decisions. Breaking things off tomorrow isn't necessarily going to be any less painful in the long run than waiting a while. Staying with her a few more months while things are worked on doesn't mean you're going to be stuck there for life.
I've been through a similar situation as you in the past, so if you feel the need to talk to anyone, just send a PM my way. Chin up, you'll make it through this okay.
Was she actually diagnosed with anything? Schizophrenia or something of the like can really take someones mind out of society (read: healthy normal human contact) for a long time, even if their body is there and they're nodding their heads.
This is something you have to both work through individually and jointly. It doesn't make you scum if you resent her condition, just be careful you don't resent her or the relationship. You need to talk to someone neutral (read: mental health professional) about everything that is going on.
It sounds like a short time period to deal with some pretty big changes in both of your lives and no one can fault someone for taking a step back and saying, "WTF!"
If she wont talk to you about the important stuff, your relationship may be over as it is. This is something you BOTH have to want and work through, you don't get a gold star or a special place in heaven for being a martyr in a relationship.
What I would suggest:
Therapist - Individually and Together
Consult friends who know you and the situation.
Most importantly: A REAL conversation with your partner. Don't cry and apologize or spend the discussion trying to make her feel better, get clear answers and be direct about what you want and see happening. It's not an attack, but do not use ambiguous language.
You're not a bad person, and I can totally understand why it would be hard to make plans to be with someone who wishes to end their life. It takes a long time to come to the understanding that you can't protect someone 100% of the time, and they are ultimately responsible for themselves. She's got a lot of work she needs to do for herself if she wants this relationship to succeed.
That being said, you also need to realize that just because doesn't mean she doesn't love you. I dealt with a similar thing for a bit with my wife (albeit on a much smaller scale) when her dog back home died. She was an emotional wreck for over a week, and I kept thinking to myself "aren't I enough for her? What's the deal?" But these kind of thoughts are poison. They're no good. Of course she loves you, but in short *no* you aren't enough for her. She has other relationships and connections, and they are important to her. Just like you do.
As you say, the trials your relationship has gone through might mean you need to end it; it may be dead. but I would recommend counseling for yourself first. Good luck, it sounds like whatever you do, things are going to be really tough for a while.
But mostly what I want to address is that just because you didn't pick up on her hiding something from you DEFINITELY doesn't make you a bad person or a bad boyfriend or any of that. Sometimes people deal with hurt by hiding it because it feels less real or less awful if they just don't talk about it, or they don't want to bring someone down, or they feel like they should just be able to handle it on their own, or they worry that it's just too much bad news to give someone else on top of everything else. As hard as it is you have to acknowledge that you hold no blame in her hiding it and really she probably doesn't either if it was a traumatic situation; the only person who can be blamed is the person (if there is one) who hurt her originally.
Yes, all of these things. You couldn't have known, but you know now, and it's doubtful that many other people do. So let that count for something in this situation.
Don't delude yourself into thinking you have responsibility for a person that was damaged before you ever entered the picture. It's not a bad thing to think of your own future. Consider the fact that throughout your life she has the potential to just shut down, destroy your sense of stability and cause you immense stress. I don't know what your plans are, but can you hold a mortgage, have kids or other commitments with a person like this? Don't trap yourself in an unhappy life of continuous problems.
Some of the things you describe here (other than the hurting herself thing.) remind me a lot of Schizophrenia symptoms. She needs a lot of therapy, and a lot of treatment. You are not scum for how you feel, sometimes people like that just can't be in a normal relationship and thats just how it is. My ex refused to get treatment, which is the main reason i left her, her condition never improved and only worsened, and she blamed all her horrible behavior on it but refused treatment for it.
At least be happy that your ladyfriend is accepting of treatment in this case, things could be FAR worse. The thing about her hearing voices sounds VERY much like Paranoid Schizophrenia, which is the worst case scenario of the condition, unfortunately. My ex did not have that variation, but had the variation that caused multiple slightly different personalities.
At the moment you just have to choose what you want to do. Do not feel any shame in stepping back from this as a relationship if you have to, but if you choose to stick it out, you also have to be aware of what this could do to your own well being and mental health, stress ect, as well as the effect your presence has on her, and her inability to cope with affection and love properly. This is neither yours nor her fault. I have to advice, do not ruin your own chance at happiness over an illness like this, because this illness will most likely not ever go away, and she will dip in and out of these states for the rest of her life. She may even end up institutionalized for long periods of time.
Get yourself right first... then help others help themselves. The damaged can very easily tear apart someone without a center. So find your center. Alone.
No, it was Schizo. She was diagnosed with it and offered treatment, and refused multiple times. She was also Diagnosed with MPD, and severe OCD. What i talked about was the tip of the iceburg in my case, but your post is entirely correct, as i speak from similar experience. You can't help someone if you are not yourself absolutely 100% certain and centered, int the end you will only end up seriously damaging yourself and her in the process as she will inevitably feel guilty for causing you so much grief.
I dated a girl with Schizophrenia and I can't even imagine moving forward from there, as a depressed/anxiety whatever whatever person myself, it just dragged me down into a bad place every time she was troubled, and as bad you may feel, it is never, ever, worth it to trade personal and mental health just to keep someone happy.
In my opinion, at least.
OP, as has been said, you seem to have already made up your mind.
If you want to continue this relationship, get help yourself, because no one can deal with that kind of situation alone.
I spoke to her Mum last week, essentially stating that I can't do it anymore, there's just way too much for me to deal with now and going into the future. I explained that I still love and care for her daughter, but I cannot give her support and she cannot give me support either. The relationship isn't helping either of us.
Her mum has asked me to wait a while before I say anything till my partner is a bit stronger, but like you guys say, there may never be a time when she can take this news well. I'm going to play it by ear and keep in touch with her parents over this, the longer I need to pretend I'm still happy is neither fair to me nor my partner.
And just fyi guys, I do go for counselling, have done for a bout a year, my Doctor agrees that maybe the relationship isn't the best place for either of us right now.
Thanks for all your words of help dudes, really, REALLY appreciate them!
Where is she now? Is she under care? If so, she sounds like she's in the best place to take bad news, AND her recovery will be from both her own personal demons as well as from your relationship. Bad news always sucks. There's no reason to withhold it if you know.
This applies to both of you -- it sounds like you've got personal growth that you're trying to work on. She clearly has things of her own to deal with. You've got to consider the price you're both paying to stay in this relationship and fix this, and what it's doing to each of you individually. That equation should work out to be a net gain in a healthy relationship.
Man, I stumbled into this forum and it's quite a sobering experience.
It wasn't pretty, and it hurt for both of us but it had to be done. I am now a singleton again, and although she took it really badly, I think she's going to get through. I felt awful for hurting her so bad, and she did indeed do something silly immediately afterward, but we talked on the phone a day ago to sort some of the logistics out with her phone bill and her stuff in my flat, and although we're both pretty low, I think we'll both pull through.
Again, thanks for all your advice dudes and dudettes, I am most grateful
Girls like that will often try to muscle their way back in. Word to the wise.
If the president had any real power, he'd be able to live wherever the fuck he wanted.
I find many of the posts here insensitive and wish to address some issues. I don't know if people here are people seanron and I know IRL but I don't want their image of me being coloured by inaccuracies.
The Facts
Firstly, I never said I wanted Seanron to take care of me forever. Yes, I expressed a desire to make a life with him but I am a fiercely independent person and wouldn't dare think of him as a carer.
I am not schizophrenic in any way shape or form, I wish I didn't have to share with the world what my mental health problems are, but this has already been done for me by the person I considered closest in my life.
I do not have a "lifelong mental health issue" that needs to be dealt with. I did have an underlying mild depression that was untreated until it suddenly got worse. And I am already recovering well and am putting supports in place so it never happens again.
The Breakdown
The "several" breakdowns were actually two : once when I had been working 15 hour days for three months straight away from home, whilst coming to terms with the fact that my grandfather had terminal lung cancer and watching him pass away ( for anyone who has seen how cancer wastes somebody you love until they look corpse like, you will understand what a shock this image, which has imbedded itself in my brain, actually was).
At the same time my mother developed a form of blood poisoning from a badly infected gall bladder, which she refused to treat until after my grandfathers funeral.
In short I was completely stressed out and very depressed. I began hallucinating in between fits of crying and was hospitalised for the relatively short time of three weeks after which I visited a CPN, psychologist and psychiatrist for a year trying all the antidepressants under the sun until I found one that worked.
So you cannot accuse me of not trying, I grasped all the help that was available to me.
I was hurt by the fact that you visited me only twice in hospital, but the state I was in I can understand that you found it hard. Well I found it extremely hard, I was terrified and didn’t know what was happening to me, and you weren’t there.
Out of hospital and settled in, I couldn't wait to see you, and visited every chance I could once I moved home. In my opinion we were very happy. Yes I leaned on you, but you leaned back when things got tough. Thats how relationships work, right?
Unfortunately what happened in my past came to haunt me and I had another breakdown this year, being hospitalised for six weeks with depression and commanding auditory hallucinations, which are common in severe depression. Again, you rarely visited.
The breakup
Seanron split up with me two days before I was due to be discharged.
Although theres never a good time to do this, to me it couldn't have came at a worse time and was done only to ease his guilt, I don't believe he took my feelings into account.
So yes,that night I made a serious suicide attempt and was moved to a medical hospital for longer, missing my discharge date. I was sick of the voices, terrified about what was going to happen outside of hospital,guilty about making you and my family so upset, and in one fell swoop you had wiped my dreams of the house, the kids and the wedding away
I don't blame you for that Sean, I make my own choices.
I'm saddened that you came here, to a bunch of strangers, for advice on an extremely personal and complex matter, before you talked to me.
You could have said "x,y and z aren't working" months ago and we could have worked on it.
You could have phoned, texted me, anything instead of running away and avoiding me after dumping me, even though you saw the state I was in that night.
I know Seanron has his own mental health problems which are long term, and which I had to accept and live with every day. He couldn't tell when his behaviour changed, but I could and share his "walking on eggshells " feeling.
This all has the feeling of airing our dirty laundry in public, but I don't have the chance to do it in private as you just don't want to talk to me.
I wish I had known that I wasn't the same person you proposed to ages ago and we could have resolved all of this amicably, and in private.
I need someone who will be there through thick and thin. Not a crutch, but someone that won't run away when the going gets tough.
I really hoped we could move on from this, but you were never willing to try. So good luck and I hope you can take something positive from all of this. I now appreciate my friends and family a lot more for their unconditional love.
AB
(apparently one of your friends found this inappropriate as I found a link to your post in my inbox)