The image size limit has been raised to 1mb! Anything larger than that should be linked to. This is a HARD limit, please do not abuse it.
Our new Indie Games subforum is now open for business in G&T. Go and check it out, you might land a code for a free game. If you're developing an indie game and want to post about it, follow these directions. If you don't, he'll break your legs! Hahaha! Seriously though.
Our rules have been updated and given their own forum. Go and look at them! They are nice, and there may be new ones that you didn't know about! Hooray for rules! Hooray for The System! Hooray for Conforming!

Visiting Ex In ICU?

Actinguy1Actinguy1 Registered User regular
edited June 2011 in Help / Advice Forum
Hi all! I've mentioned before that every now and then, I google the exes I've lost touch with before. This has resulted in a few of my posts here, such as when I found out that one of my exes had gone on to get arrested for having a hundred dead pets in her house...and then a year later, when I found out they were making a movie about her life, and it was a ROMANTIC COMEDY. o_O

Anyhow, I found another ex last night...and the news is bad. She was hit head on by a car going up the wrong side of the highway. Both of her legs are shattered and she is in ICU. Her 7-week-old daughter survived without a scratch. The people in the other car were badly injured and one of the passengers died.

This all happened a month ago...and there hasn't been any update. I'm losing sleep wondering what happened, if she's even still alive, and whether there is anything she needs or that I can do.

I don't have any contact with her, family, or friends anymore (we broke up about five years ago after six years of on and off). She got married about a year back (and as mentioned, has a 7-week old baby), and I'm getting married in exactly two months, so this isn't some ridiculous get-back-together scheme. I'm just sincerely worried about her, given that at BEST she has two broken legs and a young infant.

I don't know if she's still at the ICU, but would I be way out of line in going there to see? Would I even be able to find anything out? In trying to get more info, I found out what church she goes to, so dropping in there and trying to find something out might also be doable.

Or would all of that be entirely creepy at the worst possible time? I have the best of intentions, so if staying out of the way is what is best, then that's what I'll do.

What say you?

tl;dr: Ex in intensive care after massive car accident. Visit?

Actinguy1 on

Posts

  • Skoal CatSkoal Cat Registered User
    edited May 2011
    No contact for five years? I don't see her getting anything out of you visiting, so I don't think it would benefit her. Given the situation, it is my opinion that not do anything that could make things more complicated than they are. I'm sure she has other people in her life who can be there for her. Please don't take this the wrong way, but from what I've gathered of the situation, you going would be an entirely selfish act.

    Skoal Cat on
    ceres wrote: »
    Skoal Cat is correct.
  • Actinguy1Actinguy1 Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    No offense taken, and thanks for the advice.

    EDIT: To be clear, I'm not suggesting a visit from me will miraculously cure her...just that if I can get more info, I can take up a collection of money or baby things or babysitters (not me) or whatever is needed. Of course, I also realize that maybe my presence wouldn't be welcome.

    Actinguy1 on
  • exisexis Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Actinguy1 wrote: »
    I'm just sincerely worried about her, given that at BEST she has two broken legs and a young infant.

    She also has a husband, a (presumably) caring family, and her church for support.

    It's nice that you want to help, but given that you've apparently had no contact whatsoever with her since your breakup, you're not really a part of each others lives anymore.

    exis on
    Overwatch / Diablo 3: exis#1961 | Steam: mule
  • Bionic MonkeyBionic Monkey Registered User, ClubPA
    edited May 2011
    I think maybe just sending a card would be the ideal solution here.

    Bionic Monkey on
    sig_megas_armed.jpg
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited May 2011
    All else aside, I absolutely would not do it if your fiancee isn't completely comfortable with the idea. She may be totally fine with it, or, if your wedding is that soon, she might be pretty stressed as it is and may take the interest, especially if you don't consult her, as a sign of something very bad.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    Dear satan


  • RoyceSraphimRoyceSraphim Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Take your fiancee with you to pick a card, maybe some (emotionally neutral) flowers. Leave them with the nurse or someone who's "managing the room."

    I'm assuming this was the sort of breakup where neither one tried to kill each other and parting words were somewhere along the like of thanks for the memories
    My ex and her partner just had to put down their dog, this came a few years after a nephew was seriously injured in a car accident. While you nature as a human being may inspire you to be a white knight with all sorts of kind... consult fiancee, involve her, simple card and flowers. Less is more.

    RoyceSraphim on
  • Actinguy1Actinguy1 Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Thanks for the advice everyone! Fiance is definitely informed, although I thought bringing her would be inappropriate..."Sorry you might be dying, but check out who I'm sleeping with now!" Anyhow, the more I think about it, the less appropriate I think checking in might be. We didn't try to kill each other, but a six year relationship is never going to end in high fives and chocolate malts. If I do find out any specifics I'll still try to help as much as possible, but I don't want to cause any more drama than her family is already facing.

    Actinguy1 on
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Don't send flowers. A bear or card is fine but flowers cause all sorts of issues in the ICU. This goes for any sort of plant.

    bowen on
    Ladies.
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Agreeing with sending a card and leaving it at that. Also, you have a habit of googling your exs? That's kind of weird dude.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    I'd just drop it .... it's been 5+ years.

    Xaquin on
  • DeShadowCDeShadowC Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    One thing I want to point out is since the last update was from a month ago you don't even know for sure where she would be. Hospitals tend not to give a lot of information out to random guy who walks in asking if they have a patient by the name of X.

    DeShadowC on
  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Actinguy1 wrote: »
    No offense taken, and thanks for the advice.

    EDIT: To be clear, I'm not suggesting a visit from me will miraculously cure her...just that if I can get more info, I can take up a collection of money or baby things or babysitters (not me) or whatever is needed. Of course, I also realize that maybe my presence wouldn't be welcome.

    What you should do is contact her husband! She's married, there's a father for the child, and the polite thing would be to contact the guy with your sincere concern, offer your help to the family, and see what her husband says. Either that, or just let it go.

    spool32 on
  • a5ehrena5ehren AtlantaRegistered User regular
    edited May 2011
    DeShadowC wrote: »
    One thing I want to point out is since the last update was from a month ago you don't even know for sure where she would be. Hospitals tend not to give a lot of information out to random guy who walks in asking if they have a patient by the name of X.

    That too. If there isn't a follow-up story about her dying she's probably been out of the ICU for several weeks now, and may not even be in the hospital anymore.

    You haven't talked for 5 years - just let it go.

    a5ehren on
  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    You haven't kept in touch with a variety of your ex-girlfriends, but you still cyber-stalk them? No, you definitely shouldn't materialize out of thin air and say, "Hey, I cyber-stalk you and your family, heard you were in an accident."

    Darkewolfe on
    What is this I don't even.
  • RoyceSraphimRoyceSraphim Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    spool32 wrote: »
    Actinguy1 wrote: »
    No offense taken, and thanks for the advice.

    EDIT: To be clear, I'm not suggesting a visit from me will miraculously cure her...just that if I can get more info, I can take up a collection of money or baby things or babysitters (not me) or whatever is needed. Of course, I also realize that maybe my presence wouldn't be welcome.

    What you should do is contact her husband! She's married, there's a father for the child, and the polite thing would be to contact the guy with your sincere concern, offer your help to the family, and see what her husband says. Either that, or just let it go.

    This, this is a very good idea, don't even mention that you and her were an item, just send the card, your name on it (no picture), drop some cash into the fund if there is one. If you don't feel like you've done enough, put more money in.

    Also, be thankful that you have this concern and desire to interact, it means your still human, and a damn good one at that.
    Darkewolfe wrote: »
    You haven't kept in touch with a variety of your ex-girlfriends, but you still cyber-stalk them? No, you definitely shouldn't materialize out of thin air and say, "Hey, I cyber-stalk you and your family, heard you were in an accident."

    Don't you think you're jumping the gun a little on this? I mean, they just broke up and lost contact, its a little presumptuous to assume googling her name is cyberstalking.

    RoyceSraphim on
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    Googleing is pretty much the new age "hey I went through our yearbook/old box of stuff and was reminded of you and wondering how you're doing."

    It's far and away from cyber-stalking someone.

    bowen on
    Ladies.
  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    bowen wrote: »
    Googleing is pretty much the new age "hey I went through our yearbook/old box of stuff and was reminded of you and wondering how you're doing."

    It's far and away from cyber-stalking someone.

    Yeah, I agree. Intent is sort of the difference for me. "I googled your name to see whether you'd been published lately" is different from, "I googled your name, found out you were in an accident, called the hospital you were in, contacted your husband and arranged for flowers in your hospital room."

    Darkewolfe on
    What is this I don't even.
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    True.

    bowen on
    Ladies.
  • CauldCauld Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    I think the real advice here is to stop googling your old gfs

    Cauld on
  • Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    edited May 2011
    I think contacting the husband/family is a little strange. You had a relationship with her, after all, and presumably don't know the husband from adam.

    If you feel like you're supposed to do something here, send a card/note and let it go.

    Eat it You Nasty Pig. on
    NREqxl5.jpg
    accept your death, and become dangerous
  • ED!ED! Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Just send a card; all this talk about "just letting it go. . ." - man what the cheese. Does no one here, out of the blue think "Hey I wonder what happened to so and so - " A card is low-risk, says "I heard about this thing happening and I'd like to send my regards", and allows one to move on with the same level of contact as before. It's not like he heard she got a promotion at work - she was hit by a car in traffic and a person died; I think thats an event that someone is going to excuse a quick well wish from someone she knew a ways back.

    ED! on
    "Get the hell out of me" - [ex]girlfriend
  • VivixenneVivixenne Remember your training, and we'll get through this just fine. Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    If you don't want to let it go, consider contacting the husband. A phone call (to their home number) is good enough. Tell him that you're sorry to bother him but you used to know her, heard about her accident, and was worried and is there anything you can do to offer support for the family.

    You don't have to specify how you found out and certainly don't mention that you're getting married soon or shit like that.

    He'll probably say no but thank you for your thoughts we'll keep you updated. Dude's wife was just in a car accident... he's not going to care if you used to date her or not. Right now he's in a bad place, so offer condolences and support to the family.

    If you don't want to call or don't have a number, a card with flowers is good enough.

    Vivixenne on
    XBOX: VIVIXENNEXIVIV | TWITTER | BATTLENET: VIVIXENNE#1433 | YOUTUBE
  • DeShadowCDeShadowC Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Hell for all we, and the OP know, she died a month ago, and contacting the husband will do nothing but bring up old wounds. Or she could be completely fine and the lady's husband is going to wonder why this guy she supposedly hasn't talked to in years is calling her.

    DeShadowC on
  • Bionic MonkeyBionic Monkey Registered User, ClubPA
    edited June 2011
    If she was in the ICU from a car crash, she wouldn't be "completely fine" now. She could be much, much better, but she wouldn't be completely recovered.

    Seriously, just send a card. Don't contact her. Don't contact the husband. Just a quick note saying "Hey, found out about your accident. Hope you're doing better."

    Bionic Monkey on
    sig_megas_armed.jpg
  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Let it go. If you go, you're going to have to explain how you know what happened, and god won't that be a fun conversation!

    Dhalphir on
  • EggPuppetEggPuppet Registered User
    edited June 2011
    I think if I was the ex I would feel uncomfortable even getting a card from a five-years-back ex if I'd had no contact with him in the intervening time. I would immediately have to wonder whether this was a sign that the sender was maintaining an unhealthy obsession with me, on top of all my other problems.

    Your intentions sound honorable, but I'm doubtful that they would be well-received.

    EggPuppet on
  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    edited June 2011
    EggPuppet wrote: »
    I would immediately have to wonder whether this was a sign that the sender was maintaining an unhealthy obsession with me, on top of all my other problems

    I'm wondering this myself already and I'm not even the ex.

    Dhalphir on
Sign In or Register to comment.