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Relationship: 2+ years, Visa issues forcing me into a decision I can't seem to make.
Walcott?
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Not asking for you guys to make the decision for me, just asking for a bit of insight.
I'm a 22 y/o gay guy in a 2+ year relationship. He's a 30 y/o Aussie; I met him in the States when he was half way through his 3 year working Visa. I moved to Australia to be with him when his Visa ran out. I'm on a Work and Holiday Visa that ends in September.
I pretty much need to decide soon if I/we are going to spend $2000+ for the Partner Visa, which is a 2 year temporary Visa that, upon review after 2 years, could turn into a Permanent Residency.
Problems: I don't know if I want to stay here, and I don't know if I want to be with my current partner. Unfortunately, the latter depends on the former, so I can't even stick around for a while to see if the problems in the relationship work themselves out. The relationship has lots of pros and cons, one of the biggest cons being that all of the time I feel like there are faraway things I'd like to do if I weren't in a relationship. This, like most other cons, seems to me to be a "grass is greener" problem: If I were single, who knows if I'd do any of the shit I think I'd like to do—most of which comes from my constantly evolving worldview and perception of myself and my identity. The fact that I'm still getting to know myself and how I view the world is another thing, which, again, makes me doubt if any relationship, at all, is right for me now.
On one hand, I do love him. On the other, I feel like there shouldn't be any hesitancy in making this decision after 2 years of a relationship. I haven't kept him in the dark about my reservations, but talking about it makes him too upset to have any sort of real, meaningful discussion, and I just end up feeling guilty. So, there's a chance he doesn't know how serious the possibility of my going back to the states is, which isn't fair to him at all.
To be honest, aside from forking over the cash and being away from my family, staying in the relationship would be the easiest thing to do, but I'm not sure it's the best thing to do, for either of us.
Insights?
TLDR: 2+ year relationship, need to decide if I want to stay in Australia for partner or not. Don't know if having questions about the relationship after 2 years is a good sign at all, etc., etc.
I'm a 22 y/o gay guy in a 2+ year relationship. He's a 30 y/o Aussie; I met him in the States when he was half way through his 3 year working Visa. I moved to Australia to be with him when his Visa ran out. I'm on a Work and Holiday Visa that ends in September.
I pretty much need to decide soon if I/we are going to spend $2000+ for the Partner Visa, which is a 2 year temporary Visa that, upon review after 2 years, could turn into a Permanent Residency.
Problems: I don't know if I want to stay here, and I don't know if I want to be with my current partner. Unfortunately, the latter depends on the former, so I can't even stick around for a while to see if the problems in the relationship work themselves out. The relationship has lots of pros and cons, one of the biggest cons being that all of the time I feel like there are faraway things I'd like to do if I weren't in a relationship. This, like most other cons, seems to me to be a "grass is greener" problem: If I were single, who knows if I'd do any of the shit I think I'd like to do—most of which comes from my constantly evolving worldview and perception of myself and my identity. The fact that I'm still getting to know myself and how I view the world is another thing, which, again, makes me doubt if any relationship, at all, is right for me now.
On one hand, I do love him. On the other, I feel like there shouldn't be any hesitancy in making this decision after 2 years of a relationship. I haven't kept him in the dark about my reservations, but talking about it makes him too upset to have any sort of real, meaningful discussion, and I just end up feeling guilty. So, there's a chance he doesn't know how serious the possibility of my going back to the states is, which isn't fair to him at all.
To be honest, aside from forking over the cash and being away from my family, staying in the relationship would be the easiest thing to do, but I'm not sure it's the best thing to do, for either of us.
Insights?
TLDR: 2+ year relationship, need to decide if I want to stay in Australia for partner or not. Don't know if having questions about the relationship after 2 years is a good sign at all, etc., etc.
Walcott? on
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Generally speaking, someone who is 22 and someone who is 30 are at two very different points in their lives, and that can cause some serious friction; you're probably still spreading your wings, sowing your wild oats so to speak, while he is probably set to settle down. It's a rough place to be in.
but they're listening to every word I say
As for if we get the Visa, and then break up? Some time after, I'll have to leave the country. I'm not sure how much time I'd have. But that's the thing.. the Visa, as I see it, is a major commitment on the level of marriage. But maybe I need to stop looking at it that way.
That's not really it, either. I make more money here as a barista than I would as a journalist in the States. I've found more of a support/facilitative network for creative writing types here than I ever had (outside of University) in the States.
I love it here; I've made some good friends in the past few months. So, this is another dilemma. I do not want to get myself into the moral quandary of having used my partner to gain access to his country and its benefits. I sometimes feel that on some subconscious level, I am weighing the decision in favor in staying because I love Australia, not because I love my partner.
My life is better in Australia, but I can't for certain say that it would be worse if I weren't with my partner.
And, just to clarify, I won't be able to renew my Work/Holiday Visa. So, without the Partner Visa, I would have to leave. In order to renew the Visa I'd have to do 3 months of work in rural Australia - which I really wanted to do, but my partner wasn't fond of 3 months apart again. It's now too late in the process to do 3 months of labor; my Visa would run out before I'd lodged my application for renewal.
If you're having these hesitations about staying with him, it might be like pre wedding jitters? Is it possible for you to leave back for the States once your visa expires and re-consider if you truly want to be with this man? If you decide not to be with him after all, Could you apply to gain access to living in Australia some other way once back in the States that could lead to a more permanent stay?
I understand that you love him, but I've learned in past relationships that sometimes, love really isn't enough in some cases. You should take some time to reflect on things, maybe a long walk to clear your head and think about what you want for yourself? I guess an example would be, I love my boyfriend, but I'm going overseas to be with him, knowing he'll eventually be wanting to come back here to Canada. If I am unhappy there after my 3-5 year stay, and he decides he doesn't want to leave his country, I don't think I could stay there, just out of love for him.
Is there an immigration department or officer you could meet with to discuss any options you may not have thought of?
Wii U Topazfalcon (yes I play MH3U, preferably with a headset/mic usage)
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a) Ended a long term relationship and left the country.
b) Met my (now wife) in my new place of residency and brought her back with me.
I think that situation a), while being hard and uncomfortable, acually (when I took a step back) helped crystalise what I knew I should do. For me, I knew it was right because while I got lonely, I never regretted breaking up. So, I guess you need to ask yourself whether you've not already parted ways because of where you are and how easy it is to stay together. Or do you genuinely want to stay with him. And yes, you can still care for someone but know that being with them isnt right for you. I figure that in life you either grow with someone or apart from them.
Namely, that he has no interest in meeting your friends, and shot down a 3-month period where you'd be apart. We all love our loved ones, but shooting down something as paltry as 3 months, especially if it was something you liked/was good for your career/allowed you to stay in country, is pretty disrespectful in my opinion.
I don't have all the facts, but that did rub me the wrong way.
By no means is our relationship perfect; while we lived in the states we were quite reclusive and wrapped up in one another's presence, so friendships were sacrificed a bit. Having separate lives is a new thing for us, but I feel it's helped a little. I wish he'd have some sort of interest, but as Than pointed out, we're at different points in our lives socially, so our friends are, as well, for the most part.
As for the 3 month separation, there was a 2 month gap between his Visa running out and me coming to Australia (I worked+interned in the meantime so I'd have money and at least some foundation to my career). The split was pretty unbearable for him, and he didn't want to do it again. I understood, but it was still. Three months is nothing in the scheme of life—and, we'd not be in this situation right now as I could just renew my work Visa.
Will reply to others later; apologies. Still really thinking.
With this in mind, I would tell you that if you feel that you have unfinished goals or ambitions which will suffer because of your relationship, you might end up resenting your partner down the road.