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Situation at work bothering me
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A girl working on another floor (Christine) makes up crappy nicknames for me and settles on the one I hate the most. She spreads the word to the team I work for via a co-worker (Natalie). I politely tell both of them, separately, that I do not like said nickname. Christine apologises over email but then not 5 minutes later calls up Natalie and, being that I sit in front of Natalie and the walls of the cubicles are barely chest level, I hear all of her part of the conversation. Sounds like they're making fun of me for saying I don't want to be called "Ay papi". I ignore it until Natalie ropes a nearby colleague, Andrew, into trying to call me by that name as well. They all burst out into laughter. Natalie asks me why I'm taking it so seriously since it's not even an insulting name. I ask her who gets to decide if it's insulting; her or me? She says sorry but rolls her eyes while doing so. Then Andrew asks me what's so bad about the name and I say "I don't like it, is that enough?" and he backs off.
I feel conflicted. I know that I didn't want to let it continue and that I didn't want to just roll over and take it because I really hated the names (not opposed to nicknames as evidenced by another team member taking to calling me The Wongatron [my last name is Wong], which I like because it sounds like I'm a transformer). They made me uncomfortable, like I was being made fun of and I didn't like that. But was there a better way to handle this?
I made the decision to keep a serious face through all of it as I was worried if I was jokey about it, that the message wouldn't get through and I'd just end up going through this song and dance in the near future. But maybe I should have? Did I drive too hard a line on it? I was polite through all of it, didn't raise my voice, didn't stand up and start in on anyone (though I lost my composure slightly after the phone call because it felt like they were just being dickholes at that point) and didn't swear or curse even though I really wanted to.
I feel like they made me the bad guy in this case and that's bothering me. I didn't like them calling me names so I stood up for myself as professionally and rationally as I could and they make me feel like I'm being the asshole because what? I wouldn't play along with their shitty game?
I understand that they were joking around; they do that a lot with everyone on the team. But I feel like I still have the right to say where my personal line is drawn don't I? And it's not that I blew up at them and start screaming or anything. I was very polite, saying please and thank you, trying not to embarass them while still being firm on my point about not liking the names. So why do I still feel like I did something wrong?
I feel conflicted. I know that I didn't want to let it continue and that I didn't want to just roll over and take it because I really hated the names (not opposed to nicknames as evidenced by another team member taking to calling me The Wongatron [my last name is Wong], which I like because it sounds like I'm a transformer). They made me uncomfortable, like I was being made fun of and I didn't like that. But was there a better way to handle this?
I made the decision to keep a serious face through all of it as I was worried if I was jokey about it, that the message wouldn't get through and I'd just end up going through this song and dance in the near future. But maybe I should have? Did I drive too hard a line on it? I was polite through all of it, didn't raise my voice, didn't stand up and start in on anyone (though I lost my composure slightly after the phone call because it felt like they were just being dickholes at that point) and didn't swear or curse even though I really wanted to.
I feel like they made me the bad guy in this case and that's bothering me. I didn't like them calling me names so I stood up for myself as professionally and rationally as I could and they make me feel like I'm being the asshole because what? I wouldn't play along with their shitty game?
I understand that they were joking around; they do that a lot with everyone on the team. But I feel like I still have the right to say where my personal line is drawn don't I? And it's not that I blew up at them and start screaming or anything. I was very polite, saying please and thank you, trying not to embarass them while still being firm on my point about not liking the names. So why do I still feel like I did something wrong?
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you're not being a bad guy they're being very unpleasant. You'll have to decide if you want to handle this through HR if it gets worse, but that might make things uncomfortable for you in the office? Other people will know more about this than me.
If it persist take up with with the HR department. That's what they're there for.
I normally enter in Yoga mode when dealing with idiots at work, and with my expression I just show I am not laughing their stupid behavior. Do not fuel their actions by getting angry or letting them know that what they do annoys you.
The more you respond to the nickname, the more you're going to get made fun of. Don't feed the trolls at work.
Then if it continues, forward that email to your manager. Explain that you've spoken to all these people, put your request in writing, but the behavior continues and it's affecting your ability to do your job.
I would not do this. It probably varies with corporate culture, but if anyone at my workplace sent an email saying people were being mean by using nicknames, it would reflect more poorly on them for not being able to handle such a non issue than on the nickname users
Yeah, this is only going to exacerbate the situation. Definitely don't do this.
Wait a few days and see if it continues. I bet it dies off if you just ignore it.
It's already a hostile environment for The Wonginator.
He's expressed several times he doesn't like the names, yet they continue and even involve other people. This is harassment. I think a lot of the 'safe workplace!' stuff is crap, but when someone asks you to stop doing something, and you continue, that's not cool.
I would talk to either your boss or Christine's boss and let them know what's going on. Probably whoever you think will take it seriously but won't go nuts over it either.
To take it to the next level, are you many years older than Christine? Calling someone 'papi' could be ageism, but it's probably her just being stupid.
and
Though I would suggest 1) telling them directly that the nicknames make you uncomfortable and you'd like them to stop, 2) if it persists take it up with your supervisor & HR, 3) if it persists or you don't feel it's being handled appropriately, OR if it escalates, take it to your supervisor's boss. Also: document, document, document - archive email where appropriate, write down conversation summaries with dates and times, etc.
They're your coworkers and a certain level of respect is mandatory, if her comments and nicknames are making you uncomfortable you are well within your rights to take it to management ASAP.
I know you're just working off what I wrote so I hope this doesn't come off too defensive.
I am not defined at the work place by cold-fish professionalism. Examples are in the spoilers.
My dynamic with Natalie is actually defined by our good natured ribbing. It's mostly one way, coming from her but I don't mind it. In fact, I find a lot of what she says to be genuinely funny. For example an email was sent out to the whole team saying they were going drinking last Friday. I couldn't make it and told everyone so. Natalie then responded saying that I was put on the invite list by accident. Everyone, including me (maybe even especially me) got a big kick out of it.
She's constantly giving me cut eye for no reason and we always laugh it off. Once I asked her what I'd done to deserve the look and she said "You got hired." and we laughed pretty hard at that.
There are countless other examples where she pretends to give me a hard time and I not only take it in stride, but really do find it funny.
The only reason I relied on sounding professional was because I've never really dealt with having a joke I didn't like directed at me whilst in an office environment. I didn't know how I was supposed to handle it and looking back, I probably should have been more casual about the approach. It might have softened the realization that they were doing something I didn't like and they would have been more accepting of my boundaries.
I still think that the two of them calling each other up and presumably making fun of me for wanting them to stop was a pretty dickish move though. I would have been less irritated if they'd called each other up to talk about how big of a whiner I was and what baby I was being. What they did though basically told me that my desires were completely irrelevant in the face of their amusement.
Don't worry, I won't be doing the big cc email. Like Esh says, I'm hoping they just drop it. I don't even care why they drop it (e.g. actually respecting my wishes or just 'letting the baby have his bottle'), I'd just like it to become irrelevant now. But I will keep an eye or ear out for anything further and I'll talk to my manager about it if it continues to be an issue.
To Michael: Christine started with Wonger, migrated to Wong Daddy and then finally settled on "Ay Papi", playing on the daddy theme. It's not an age thing (we're both mid 20's), it's just a stupid nickname thing.
While I hope it stops, just in case it doesn't, if I'm documenting things, is it enough to simply have it handwritten in a notebook?
I really would encourage you to speak even casually to your supervisor or HR though, maybe if you frame it more with "How should I respond to curb the situation?". The conversation will be confidential, you'll have informed them that the situation/comments are happening, you might get some good advice out of how to handle it, and if things do continue (which I hope they don't for your and your coworkers sake) then you'll have the history of having talked to them.
Additionally, if their behavior is annoying more than just you HR will probably already know about it and be able to add your story to the pile.
They're calling me something I don't like, I told them to stop, I think I heard them laughing about my request, they don't seem to understand why I don't like it, I tell them that I just don't and they seemingly drop it.
This whole thing is so stupid, what the fuck.
Yeah, you honestly might just be imagining things as you said. If they've seemingly dropped it, leave it at that for now. Going to HR/Upper Management is an absolute last resort and not something that should be done lightly, especially over something as seemingly trivial as a harmless nickname. Yes, it bothers you, but it's going to be even more bothersome when you've ostracized half the staff. Pick your battles wisely. Everyone who has you running to HR immediately aren't thinking of the big picture.
Like I said, if you ignore it, and don't feed the fire, they'll forget about it and move on to someone or something else.
I say I think I heard them laughing since I don't have access to the other side of the conversation but I heard Natalie's words clearly enough to put together a clear picture. They actually were making fun of me when they put Andrew on conference. I know that because I clearly heard Andrew say the name to himself, I heard Natalie and Andrew laughing their asses off and then Andrew popped his head up, looked directly at me like he was going to say something but he started laughing, saying "He's got a really serious face on." into the phone, which made Natalie laugh even harder. So I know they were making fun of me and I can infer that that is what the phone call was about, even if I didn't hear one half of it.
How are your other interactions with them? Do you feel they're friendly the rest of the time? I guess I'm asking because I'm trying to get a gauge as to if they're being malicious or not. I have a feeling they're not and that's why they're so boggled by your reaction.
This way, if it escalates in the future or a month from now they come up with another name/make fun of you and it continues making you upset, HR will have it on record that this is a continuing problem.
I'm not positive and it may be dependent on your HR department, but my experience is that it makes for a stronger case later for you--at least, that's the way it seems to work for sexual harassment.
some HR departments will not respect your request that they not get involved.
Asking them for documentation of your visit IS them taking part and the offending parties will be notified.
I think that's why it is too. We're all usually pretty friendly and jokey with each other so I don't believe they were purposely being malicious. They'd basically found something that annoyed me and amused them. I just didn't like what they were calling me and I was a bit too firm stating my wishes. As I already said, still a dick move to make fun of me after I told them to stop and their surprise at my reaction doesn't exonerate them for being dicks in this regard.
Don't get me wrong, I feel like I had every right to tell them to stop. But I think in the future I will try to be less stiff about how I approach things like this as I care less about being justifiably correct and more about having a comfortable work place. Live and learn I guess.
Like I said, I won't be escalating it unless they prove to be slow learners and then I'll have a chat with my manager, who seems like a pretty reasonable person.
This is true. In cases of harassment, often once HR hears about it they have to investigate, even if you withdraw your complaint.
Now, depending on the particular person and department, it can be done quietly or loud and shitty. Assume the later.