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The Massive Menace and You! Now: Giants NSF56k

MeldingMelding Registered User regular
edited July 2011 in Social Entropy++
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For too long have we stood idly by and allowed the ones who refuse to die walk among us. Now many of you know of what I speak, for those of you who have been fortunate enough to avoid the touches of undeath, let's review.

Most well know are: Zombies

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These guys are slow and rotting. by them selves they are rarely much to worry about. Rarely do they came by themselves however. Generally coming in packs and in the dozens these guys aim to swarm you and add you to their ranks.

Tactics advice: Runt he fuck away. If you can't slashing weapons, fire, and stairs can be your best friends but use with caution. flaming zombies are the second worst type of flaming undead.

Second best known are of course: Vampires

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Lot's of types of vampires, but generally they avoid sunlight and sleep under ground. They largely feed on blood and many come packed with mind control and the ability to turns into bats. Super strength and mind control help make this creature deadly but what is the real deal breaker is the fact they retain their intelligence and memory of life.

Tactics advice: wooden stakes might be able to end a vampire but in a fight good luck. some say sliver works, but that's costly. Best advice, live near running water. they can't cross it and you can stand in it with immunity. Stay there until the sun kills them. or when they move to flee from the sun follow them to their liar and stake them!

Next up is something everyone has: Skeletons

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Skeletons are just as dumb and weak as zombies, but they have one edge they don't. they're basically immune to all forms attack except from breaking bones. Yeah, bullets basically just wiz by, maybe you'll break some ribs but that is baby shit, these dudes have have knifes and want to introduce you to them.

Tactics advice: Be resilient to knives, either by wearing something stab proof or just having a rhino like hide. some of them may carry clubs but by and large they carry old sharp-ish rust metal weapons. Next best idea is to carry a bludgeoning weapon, mace, bat, car, doesn't matter, just make sure you can shatter bones with it.

With a score to settle it, these are Revenants

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Back from the dead, brain bored with the murder so they shot their own leg. These dudes are the fucking undead terminator. Not that they kill other undead creatures, but they have no pity, no remorse, and will absolutely not stop until their target is dead. And then they will crumple into dust leaving you to question your sanity. These dudes don't fuck around and often have every memory they had in life. or just their death, which they relive every moment making them meaner and more pissed off until they kill the people responsible.

Tactics advice: Don't be the person that killed them. Seriously, you're on your own here buddy dude will blow up the moon if it means making you dead. They have no shits to give.

Always hungry for a fight are: Ghouls

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Ghouls are typically the reanimated corpse of a dead cannibal, forced to stalk the earth feasting on the dead flesh of humans. feral and insane they scour graveyards for corpses with meat to fill their unending lust for human flesh. commonly mistaken for zombies in recent years, it is worth noting there are a few differences. One Ghouls are quick, zombies are slow. Ghouls eat human flesh, zombies hit you with their fists. These are just some basic differences. There are some who think there are still living ghouls, but they are clearly mad. If such things existed the amount of disease they would ingest alone with kill them. However, if you encounter such a being please bring him to your local monster hunting head quarters so that we may study such a sad being.

Tactics advice: while nimble and insane, most ghouls will slink away from still living people. If forced to fight however they will use their claw like hands and jagged teeth. It is not advisable to fight ghouls with exposed skin, as they they manage to bite you, there is a good chance the disease they carry will kill you, and current studies suggest that even if you were not a cannibal in life, you will join their ranks in undeath.

echoing human life we have: Ghosts

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Contrary to popular belief ghosts are not the spirits of the dead, walking the earth looking for some meaning of their life or death as typically that is a revenant. Ghosts are in fact, the memories of people who have a connection to an object or place so strong that it echoes into real space. A person who lived in a house all their live and is murdered there for example will often leave behind a memory which will become a ghost that will stalk the halls forever reliving moments of the victum's life. Understanding that who can not simply just solve the ghost's murder is what is paramount to defeating ghosts.

Tactics Advice: As stated above one can not just simple help the ghost "Move on" as it is just a echo of a memory. However, ghosts can be confronted and defeated with the proper equipment, magic swords, positively charged energy beams and holy water are just a few examples. Also one can simply destroy the object the ghost is attached to, however finding that object can be troublesome.

Final one for this update: Liches

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Liches are powerful undead wizards who took to the dark arts to find a form of immortality. They are often responsible for the zombies and skeletons you will find. Why? because they're all powerful dicks. often being hundreds of years old, they grew bored with living forever so now most of them are trying to kill every thing. They combine the elements of a wizard and elements of a skeleton. In all not something you want to mess this.

Tactics advice: if faced with a lich, remember your basic training in combating wizards. While they are more powerful, they still have many of the same faults. It is also important to remember the lich's soul is generally bound to a physical object. If you can find and destroy that it's just a matter of killing the the ultra powerful skeleton wizard and it's job done.

There are more to be discussed here and in the future, but this is just a primer.

Be smart, be vigilant, be alive. Together we can stop this:

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from happening again.

Added links

Mummy
Dracolich
Demilich
Wight
Death Knight
Banshee
Wraith

Chapter Two: Equipment

Chapter Three: Your First Hunt

Chapter Four: Advanced and Rare Undead, and You!

Q and A

Guide Two: The Legions Of Hell and You!

Guide Three: Lumbering Giants and You!

Melding on
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Posts

  • HunteraHuntera Rude Boy Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Liches get bitches, mang.

    Huntera on
  • ReginaldReginald When I am Pres., I will create the Department of ______Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    That second ghost is terrifying.

    Reginald on
  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    I once told a woman that I didn't need a condom, because I was a ghost.

    Platy on
  • #pipe#pipe Cocky Stride, Musky odours Pope of Chili TownRegistered User regular
    edited June 2011
  • XehalusXehalus Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    If ghosts aren't people but intelligent memories, should we label shadow people as people or demons?

    Also, I need some demon tactics if possible.

    Xehalus on
  • BeastehBeasteh THAT WOULD NOT KILL DRACULARegistered User regular
    edited June 2011
    check dis phylactery *points to dilz*

    Beasteh on
  • ThreadbareSockThreadbareSock Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
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    liches are bullshit

    ThreadbareSock on
  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Xehalus wrote: »
    If ghosts aren't people but intelligent memories, should we label shadow people as people or demons?

    Also, I need some demon tactics if possible.

    That's an interesting question. we here at the Monster Research Emporium are looking into this as we speak, and hope to have clear answer to you with in the day. We are sorry if this leads to your murder at the hands of beasts you did not properly prepare to fight.

    If they are demons we recommend bringing the following: A weapon made of pure iron, a weapon bathed in the tears of a virgin (these can not be the same weapon), a deck of cards, something of personal worth, and your last will and testament.

    Melding on
  • BigDesBigDes Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    So, are werewolves undead or not?

    Cause they get lumped in with them but I don't see why.

    BigDes on
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  • ArangArang HUEY LEWISRegistered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Reginald wrote: »
    That second ghost is terrifying.

    ghostd.jpg

    Arang on
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  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    BigDes wrote: »
    So, are werewolves undead or not?

    Cause they get lumped in with them but I don't see why.

    lycanthropy is a magical disease

    PiptheFair on
  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Does someone have a link to that comic in which people debate what is the best way to kill Dracula?

    Platy on
  • BeastehBeasteh THAT WOULD NOT KILL DRACULARegistered User regular
    edited June 2011
    where the fuck are the dracoliches

    Beasteh on
  • BeastehBeasteh THAT WOULD NOT KILL DRACULARegistered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Does someone have a link to that comic in which people debate what is the best way to kill Dracula?

    http://twiststreet.livejournal.com/921.html

    Beasteh on
  • EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Thread lacks ghasts, poltergeists, Tories

    Edcrab on
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  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Woo, thanks

    Platy on
  • BeastehBeasteh THAT WOULD NOT KILL DRACULARegistered User regular
    edited June 2011
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    fuck you im an undead dragon

    Beasteh on
  • XehalusXehalus Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Melding wrote: »
    a weapon bathed in the tears of a virgin

    I'll cry on a sword and start swinging.

    Thank you.

    Xehalus on
  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Looking for love in all the wrong places: Mummies

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    Mummies are the reanimated corpses of typically Egyptian nobility. While other types of mummies exist, these will be the focus of this write up.

    Mummies are largely intelligent undead, fuelled with the memories of life though means currently not understood. Possessing great intellect and mystical powers mummies would be dangerous for this alone. However, they can cause victims of their touch to age or die rapidly. In either event the subject dies with in fifteen seconds of contact. On top of this they are highly goal focused. Typically coming back to find the spirit of their true love reincarnated in a modern person.

    Tactics Advice: DO NOT TOUCH THE MUMMY! No matter how good the idea sounds, if they promise they won't kill you, if they were your best friend in a past life DO NOT TOUCH THE MUMMY. You will die, and it will be terrible. If the mummy is still wrapped in it's ceremonial garb (typically called 'rag's) Fire is your simplest solution, preferably from a safe distance. If the mummy has moved this phase of existence and currently appears to be alive challenging it is best left to the hands of a professional and will not be covered in this guide.

    Melding on
  • Day of the BearDay of the Bear The Qun demandsRegistered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Fuck the undead

    Day of the Bear on
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  • XehalusXehalus Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    DEATH TO THE LIVING

    Xehalus on
  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Fuck the undead

    This is ill advised. Most undead are composed of rotting flesh and carry a number of terrible diseases. If one must fuck the undead, use protection.

    I personally carry a +1 sword.

    Melding on
  • Day of the BearDay of the Bear The Qun demandsRegistered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Listen I'll fuck whichever sexy undead I want

    Day of the Bear on
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  • chiasaur11chiasaur11 Never doubt a raccoon. Do you think it's trademarked?Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Xehalus wrote: »
    If ghosts aren't people but intelligent memories, should we label shadow people as people or demons?

    Also, I need some demon tactics if possible.

    Berserker pack, chainsaw, BFG.

    (Admittedly, these work for everything.)

    Unless you're pals with Jesus, in which case name dropping will do the job. If they attempt to negotiate, show you can be reasonable. Take the first offer that doesn't require human souls.

    (DO NOT CLAIM TO BE PALS WITH JESUS IF YOU ARE NOT. THIS WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE. ATTEMPT TO HAVE PICTURES TAKEN TO VERIFY YOUR CLAIMS IN CASE THEY ASK.)

    chiasaur11 on
  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Xehalus wrote: »
    If ghosts aren't people but intelligent memories, should we label shadow people as people or demons?

    Also, I need some demon tactics if possible.
    Xehalus wrote: »
    Melding wrote: »
    a weapon bathed in the tears of a virgin

    I'll cry on a sword and start swinging.

    Thank you.

    Xehalus wrote: »
    DEATH TO THE LIVING

    Well, this is unfortunate. Well, I guess we'll be sending a contact team to clean this up and take notes. Thank you for your involvement in this study.

    Melding on
  • mensch-o-maticmensch-o-matic Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Ugh man I really want to re-read John Dies at the End but I'm a giant baby so

    mensch-o-matic on
  • Macro9Macro9 Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    This thread fails to show the true threat we face.

    Muslims.

    But it doesn't matter, because once I have completed The Hammer of Muslims none of us need fear them. The knowledge of their dark deeds will be revealed to all who doubt me and the methods of their destruction will be passed on to the people.

    The people of the book are going to use it to smash some heads.
    :shock:

    Macro9 on
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  • HunteraHuntera Rude Boy Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Lich-ness seems like it'd be pretty cool if you weren't a dickhead and evil.


    Like, where are all the Liches who don't wanna fuck up humanity, the Lich MLK jr. if you will.

    Huntera on
  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Listen I'll fuck whichever sexy undead I want
    Necrophilia is a class C felony in Alabama.

    Platy on
  • Macro9Macro9 Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Listen I'll fuck whichever sexy undead I want
    Necrophilia is a class C felony in Alabama.

    That post is a mite suspicious.

    Macro9 on
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  • mensch-o-maticmensch-o-matic Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
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    MONTHARTH

    mensch-o-matic on
  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Because it will shut people up: Dracolich

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    The Dracolich is the combination of a terrible and powerful dragon and a terrible and powerful undead wizard. While a lich can be often be bested in the same way as a powerful wizard could be, a dracolich lack this weakness. With the body of a giant skeletal reptile, it is physically imposing, immune to most fire arms, and even if it did not possess millenniums of knowledge could simple kill you using brute force. However, since it can explode you with just a though, simply being able to fight a large skeletal lizard is not enough. It should be noted however, being both a long lived dragon and immortal, its plans are vast and complicated, the odds of you simply happening into a dracolich are slim.

    Tactics advice: As noted, they are stronger then you, likely more versed in magic then you are, and frankly smarter then you. The simple and best course at this point in your career is to avoid a dracolich at all and any costs and return when you do not need this Beginner's guide. Perhaps when you too are helping to write these guides you can help us find and defeat out first dracolich. We already have a map to one.

    Melding on
  • ArangArang HUEY LEWISRegistered User regular
    edited June 2011
    tell me about demiliches

    Arang on
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  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    fuck demilliches

    PiptheFair on
  • ThreadbareSockThreadbareSock Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    can ghouls have reproductive sex?

    ThreadbareSock on
  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    No, let's hear about Banshees and Draugrs

    Platy on
  • EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    So are we not using the z-word in here?

    (Okay really going to sleep for real this time.)

    Edcrab on
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  • BeastehBeasteh THAT WOULD NOT KILL DRACULARegistered User regular
    edited June 2011
    dracoliches own

    Beasteh on
  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    dracolichen

    Platy on
  • DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited June 2011
    revenant is a great word

    DodgeBlan on
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    https://medium.com/@alascii
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