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I think a gruesome (but funny looking) death illustration as well as a couple of face palms would work with that joke. Also, remember that your comic has illustrations, and you should focus on a show don't tell approach when writing the jokes.
p1: set up (Tony and Not So Super Man are walking up a stair case to the roof)
NSM: Let me get this straight, Rick gave you a cape?
Tony: Yes
NSM: It's that all he said?
Tony: He told me to believe and jump off the roof.
p2: (They reach the roof and Tony jumps of the roof)
NSM: Dude he's just messing with you!!!
Tony: It's gonna work just watch.
p3: (NSM looking horrified at basically Tony's "suicide")
(Rick appears out of nowhere)
Rick: Did Tony really jump?
Rick: Ha, What a moron.
Is this a little more polished/better?
this would work better if ricks lines were something to the effect of "oh shit, tony dont jump, i gave you the wrong cape. here is the rea- oh. i guess you figured it out."
psolms on
0
Lord Palingtonhe.him.hisHistory-loving pal!Registered Userregular
edited July 2011
If you're up for listening to people talk about inane crap while talking about comedy, The Nerdist podcast features a few stand ups talking a lot about comedy with their guests. Look through their archives for the ones they talk with other stand ups or comedians of other genres, and they get really in depth into how they get their material. They definitely earn their Explicit tag on itunes though, so don't listen to that anywhere it will get you in trouble. I'd recommend the Billy West (voice of Ren & Stimpy, half of Futurama, etc), because they talk about comedy pretty much the whole hour.
About your bed intruder one - maybe leave the guy's opinion on the song a surprise? Sort of like
Friend: Hey, you know that bed intruder song?
Guy: Yeah, why?
Friend: It's on the RBN.
Guy: Really? Hand me that guitar real quick.
*SMASH*
everything funny about this strip has happened in the past. you are resolving our expectations in the exact way we expect them to be resolved. this is not funny, regardless how popular family guy throwaways like this are.
p1:
Newspaper, headline reads "Not So Super Man Saves Not So Many" byline reads "Scores Local Chicks by the Dump Truck"
Rick - (overlay) That really is the life.
Tony - I know! I wish I had a super power.
p2:
Rick - You know, I shouldnt tell you this, but I actually have a cape that can help you fly.
Tony - (excited) Really? Let me have it!
Rick - I dont know... do you have what it takes to be a hero?
p3:
Tony and NSSM on rooftop, Tony wearing cape, standing on the edge, clearly at the start of a jump. NSSM looking on slightly disinterested.
NSSM - And then what happened?
Tony - He said I had to 'believe in myself' and that flying was 'all in the wrists'.
you leave it to the imagination of the audience what happens after the third panel. this is where the comedy comes from.
setup: they live in a world with a real super hero who can really fly
buildup: tony wants to be able to fly, rick seems to be able to help
twist: rick is a dick, giving useless advice (all in the wrists)
NSSM is there purely for a spice up, letting the reader interpret his motivations (which you give clues to through the headline and byline)
Fuck it, I'm going to right ahead and say this... I LOVE YOU!!!
You seem to be able to take anything I write and make it 20thousand times better. Thanks for the great advice, all of the edits are amazing in every sense of the word. You seem to be able to play with my character better than what I can do it. It's really entertaining. It's all in the delivery I need to understand this, it's not taking the fast/overdone road it's taking the one least travel and making it funny. I see it better now, now I need to implement it into my writing. I'll edit the Park employers strip and see if I could implement what you and everyone is trying to teach me.
I think a gruesome (but funny looking) death illustration as well as a couple of face palms would work with that joke. Also, remember that your comic has illustrations, and you should focus on a show don't tell approach when writing the jokes.
That could really work, maybe even go the Flapjacks approach and make those panels detailed and just amazing all the way. I think I'm gonna start writing my jokes with the sketchbook in and so I can write and sketch out several approaches to get the best result.
p1: set up (Tony and Not So Super Man are walking up a stair case to the roof)
NSM: Let me get this straight, Rick gave you a cape?
Tony: Yes
NSM: It's that all he said?
Tony: He told me to believe and jump off the roof.
p2: (They reach the roof and Tony jumps of the roof)
NSM: Dude he's just messing with you!!!
Tony: It's gonna work just watch.
p3: (NSM looking horrified at basically Tony's "suicide")
(Rick appears out of nowhere)
Rick: Did Tony really jump?
Rick: Ha, What a moron.
Is this a little more polished/better?
this would work better if ricks lines were something to the effect of "oh shit, tony dont jump, i gave you the wrong cape. here is the rea- oh. i guess you figured it out."
I get you, make him a lot wittier/sarcastic and overall just an overall dick to his friend but funny to the audience. Sounds like the best way to take his character.
If you're up for listening to people talk about inane crap while talking about comedy, The Nerdist podcast features a few stand ups talking a lot about comedy with their guests. Look through their archives for the ones they talk with other stand ups or comedians of other genres, and they get really in depth into how they get their material. They definitely earn their Explicit tag on itunes though, so don't listen to that anywhere it will get you in trouble. I'd recommend the Billy West (voice of Ren & Stimpy, half of Futurama, etc), because they talk about comedy pretty much the whole hour.
About your bed intruder one - maybe leave the guy's opinion on the song a surprise? Sort of like
Friend: Hey, you know that bed intruder song?
Guy: Yeah, why?
Friend: It's on the RBN.
Guy: Really? Hand me that guitar real quick.
*SMASH*
I'll go download that right away, I'm currently listening to Webcomics weekly with the guys from PVP, chainsawsuit, starslip, sheldon and evil inc. I've learned a lot about webcomics but not really about writing for them it's more of drawing, publishing and all that so the podcast you suggested will help a lot. Thanks for that.
That could work actually work quite well but maybe I could go in this direction, feel free to tell me what you think.
Tony: Heard the news, the bed intruder song is on the RBN.
Rick: Really, tell me more about it...
Tony: Well they recently... (Rick's text bubble interferes with Tony's)
Rick: Say, hand me that guitar I wanna play this song
*Smash Smash*
Rick: Fun song ha!
Have Psolms write your jokes. That sounds pretty great.
Is English your second language Mabelma? If so I'm sure we could cut down on the colloquialisms. I mean zinger like Badum-tish! Clear joke.
That could be amazing but I doubt she would like to do that with me. I could do the art and she does the jokes but with that amazing sense of humor I'm sure she already has a webcomic of her own.
Yes english is my second language, oh like catchphrases?
the second edit (the one where rick comes up with the real cape) is a very different twist.
in the mind of the audience, there actually may be a real cape that can really help you fly, and the comedy comes from the missed connection factor.
im not sure which i like better.
i (he) dont have a webcomic of my (his) own. if you want to talk about a possible partnering, lets take it to PMs.
english as your second language will put you at a disadvantage any time youre trying to write for or communicate to a primarily english speaking audience. this will be true regardless of what medium you are working in.
Psolms and your own edit both have way too much text. It's easy to think of how much text you can write when you're just writing to be funny, but, for example, your Not Super Man strip should have probably half the text, half the scenes, and Rick doesn't need to be in it.
Consider: Panel 1: Tony and NSM walking up to roof, Tony wearing a cape.
NSM: So he just gave you a cape?
Tony: Yup
NSM: Is that all he said?
Panel 2: Both on roof, Tony is preparing to run with his eyes closed
Tony: He said "Take a flying leap off a building"
NSM: I um, think he meant that metaphorically
Panel 3: Tony falling off the building, look of horror on his face
Tony: But then why the caAAAAHHHH!!!
I'm not saying I'm a great writer, but you need to have connection between the panels. This is not "3 panels" this is "one strip." One panel should flow to the next, and to really be funny, you need to edit all the extra crap out, because the extra crap is distracting from the joke.
Here's a sometimes humorous comic strip with terrible art: http://dtecomic.com/?n=161 But see? When you have 9 panels and can tie the strips together, even non-existent art can be humorous.
Have Psolms write your jokes. That sounds pretty great.
Is English your second language Mabelma? If so I'm sure we could cut down on the colloquialisms. I mean zinger like Badum-tish! Clear joke.
That could be amazing but I doubt she would like to do that with me. I could do the art and she does the jokes but with that amazing sense of humor I'm sure she already has a webcomic of her own.
Yes english is my second language, oh like catchphrases?
No no, no catchphrases. I'm inadequately expressing my meaning by using colloquialisms. I just mean that there is a clear joke at the end, or somewhere in the comic.
JebusUD on
and I wonder about my neighbors even though I don't have them
but they're listening to every word I say
I see, you cannot tell the joke as a one two three you have to tell it as a complete full story. Sounds reasonable I'll keep that in mind for the strips. Thanks so much for all the advice EggyToast.
Is this edit funny?
Tony: Heard the news, the bed intruder song is on the RBN.
Rick: Really, tell me more about it...
Tony: Well they recently... (Rick's text bubble interferes with Tony's)
Rick: Say, hand me that guitar I wanna play this song
*Super Smash*
Rick: Fun song ha!
*edit* Ohhh I see basically the whole story ends in a big bang rather than build up, build up it's more like build up and BANG!
i agree that my edits are a bit wordy. they are obviously rough edits.
the panels do flow together in my edit though, as it is clear (or if not, should be made clear) that tony is relating the story to NSSM, thats what ties them together.
in your edit, the motivations of NSSM are not clear. why is he there? why wont he help? if you changed NSSM to some third party character, it could work, but the idea behind this is that tony wants to be a hero like NSSM.
I see, you cannot tell the joke as a one two three you have to tell it as a complete full story. Sounds reasonable I'll keep that in mind for the strips. Thanks so much for all the advice EggyToast.
Is this edit funny?
Tony: Heard the news, the bed intruder song is on the RBN.
Rick: Really, tell me more about it...
Tony: Well they recently... (Rick's text bubble interferes with Tony's)
Rick: Say, hand me that guitar I wanna play this song
*Super Smash*
Rick: Fun song ha!
*edit* Ohhh I see basically the whole story ends in a big bang rather than build up, build up it's more like build up and BANG!
this edit could work, but relies heavily on the art to pull the weight of the comedy. i think it would be better to find some middle ground.
I see what you mean, but at least it's comforting to know I actually came up with something that's funny This thread is awesome. Also EggyToast edit is great but as you said in his edit NSSM plays no role he's just there which wouldn't really make much sense.
I'm learning so many things from this thread alone and over at the AC I'm also learning a lot thanks to EggyToast too and really I know that next weeks strip is gonna be great and from there on every other strip will also be great.
Psolms material is good though, and I would take him up on that offer to write for your comic. Doesn't have to be forever, but I'm sure you could learn a thing or two.
JebusUD on
and I wonder about my neighbors even though I don't have them
but they're listening to every word I say
Already talking about that JebusUD and I tell you that if we do partner up "Insert Title Here" will be a great contender in the webcomic industry and I'm sure that partnering with him will teach me a lot of things about writing comedy and hopefully I'll be able to teach him a few things to survive as a cartoonist if we ever part ways.
Oh I'm not saying Psolm's stuff is bad, just wordy. You would run into the problem of fitting it all on the page. And, as we've seen over the last page, a lot of people have good ideas. The trick is to find out how to figure out what all of those alternatives COULD be yourself (or with your writer).
This is often why a pair of people, or small team, end up being funnier than an individual. One person can propose an idea and, in the process of talking about it, they come up with alternatives, distill it down, and make it actually really funny.
I think exactly the same thing, a pair of people can tackle a problem from two entirely different angles and come up with a great answer. The same would happen with jokes, two different approaches and in the end you get an amazing joke, correct me if I'm wrong but that's one of the main reasons why PA is so successful.
That's the reason improv is so successful, and there are a metric fuck ton of comedy writers today with an improv background (for a reason).
I'd like to hit some broader ideas more than focus on your script...
Is there a reason you're using a three panel comic?
Do you know who your characters are?
How are you funny? What type of stuff do you like? Why? What about the world makes you laugh? What is it you try to comment on?
Laughter is catharsis. It is the building and release of tension. I'm a performer and one of my favorite moments in a current show is the 60+ seconds of total silence I force the audience to sit through. They have no idea how to respond and the tension ramps up tremendously.
There is truth in comedy.
I highly suggest Steve Martin's autobiography Born Standing Up.
I see, you cannot tell the joke as a one two three you have to tell it as a complete full story. Sounds reasonable I'll keep that in mind for the strips. Thanks so much for all the advice EggyToast.
Is this edit funny?
Tony: Heard the news, the bed intruder song is on the RBN.
Rick: Really, tell me more about it...
Tony: Well they recently... (Rick's text bubble interferes with Tony's)
Rick: Say, hand me that guitar I wanna play this song
*Super Smash*
Rick: Fun song ha!
*edit* Ohhh I see basically the whole story ends in a big bang rather than build up, build up it's more like build up and BANG!
this edit could work, but relies heavily on the art to pull the weight of the comedy. i think it would be better to find some middle ground.
I don't like it very much because both characters seem to have a similar point of view.
Tony- The song being on RBN is bad news
Rick- The song being on RBN is bad news
Comedy comes from conflict of some sort. It doesn't have to be arguing, it actually shouldn't be arguing, but there should be some sort of important difference between the characters, what they want, and/or how they go about getting it.
Actually I forgot to write the actions there but a somewhere in this thread you can read teat Tony is shocked at how Rick broke the TV for no reason and he actually was just telling Rick about the song not that he didn't like it. Maybe it makes a little more sense now?
I came up with two more scripts, what do you guys think? Did I learn anything?
P1
Rick: Hey Tony are on you on Tumblr?
Tony: No, not really what is that.
Rick: Just google it and join, you'll like it.
P2
Tony: Ok, I'll do that.
Rick: You think you can handle it, it it's really addicting.
Tony: I can handle it!
P3
(overlay) 3 months later...
Overly detailed image of Tony's face and all the things a drugs addict would have, really small burned eyes, dirty face, black circles under his eyes. Painted style ala FlapJack
Tony: I need help!!!
P1
Boss' chair is facing a big window as if it was empty, OTS shot from the bussines man to the boss.
Bussines man: Boss, I wanted to tell you that I haven't been payed in 4 months.
P2
Close up on chair, as it faces forward you still can't see the boss you can only see a shadow and 2 white very bright eyes looking at you
P3
Toad dressed as a business man basically pounds the table and steps out of the shadow and you can see him sitting at the chair no more shadow (he's the boss).
Toad: Your paycheck is in another castle!
ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, ModeratorMod Emeritus
edited July 2011
Are these going to be written in your first language eventually? You might consider doing your webcomic in that language simply because you'll probably have an easier time getting any humor you come up with across.
ceres on
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
The important part in this whole process is to actually finish the strips. Don't sit on a backlog of scripts, its experience that is going to hell more than "theory".
You need to have some kind of universal truth behind your jokes that makes us laugh at the absurdity of life. Look at PA strips.
A joke for the sake of being a joke, is a fuckin' joke. Meaning it's terrible. Not "good". And that's what I see in your scripts. Jokes trying to be funny, but it's obvious you're just trying way too hard. It drips from each word of your script, and that's not funny; it's sad.
I don't really agree with how Hurtdog said it, but I basically agree with what he said.You're trying too hard, and it shows. And a lot of your jokes seem to just be pop culture references, which date really badly (is Angry Birds topical any more? Bed Intruder definitely isn't)
I'm actually finishing the scripts and making them into comics Skoal Cats but I'll try and finish more of them and it's true, experience is the best help.
Maybe the angry birds one isn't recent that's true but the bed intruder one is not about the song, it was never about the song. It's about the fact that it's on the Rock Band Network but yes, I understand what you mean.
"Something unexpected happens" and "character has an over the top reaction" is not a great punchline. Breaking the TV because the bed intruder song is on Rock Band, or an Angry Bird crashing through the ceiling and killing a non-believer, ...meh is the best I've got. You might not see the gag coming (odds are you will, they're fairly straight forward), but the second you finish the gag the reader is more likely to say, "well, okay."
At least in the improv world, which again is where I'm coming from with this, a joke sacrifices the scene and your partner. Someone steps on stage to turn something into a joke, they didn't step on stage with an idea that will help support the other players. It sacrifices everything everyone was working for and is impossible to build from. Its like being given a bomb with one second on the clock, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? Jokes are not the only thing an audience will laugh at and in my experience, an audience is more likely to chuckle and groan to a joke rather than really roar with laughter.
Comedy is very difficult and its a lot easier to critique it than it is to write it. I highly suggest watching/reading things you find funny and pay attention to them. If you're laughing while you watch, you aren't paying close enough attention.
Also, treat your audience like geniuses. You're being a bit ham-fisted with your comics. You are making sure to explain the joke and why its funny for those of us who might not get it.
I shall do that. Thanks for the great advice. I'll start by studying some of the special on Comedy Central.
I'm having a little trouble with this sentence though,
"They are making sure they explain the joke and why its funny for those of us who might not get it."
Do you mean I'm explaining to much of the joke or too little?
I shall do that. Thanks for the great advice. I'll start by studying some of the special on Comedy Central.
I'm having a little trouble with this sentence though,
"They are making sure they explain the joke and why its funny for those of us who might not get it."
Do you mean I'm explaining to much of the joke or too little?
You're way over explaining very obvious "jokes". Subtle humor is the best humor. It takes time to develop that. Especially in a non-native tongue. I'd highly suggest you stop writing and find someone to do it for you. Concentrate on your art and let someone else handle the humor side of the comic.
Esh on
0
ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, ModeratorMod Emeritus
edited July 2011
It means you're explaining too much.
I really, really recommend you try to do this in Spanish, and then find people who speak Spanish to critique it. There is a language barrier at play here, however small you may feel it is, and you will have an easier time being funny in your native language. You just will.
If you really hate the idea of comics in Spanish, you might try comics that don't rely on dialogue, although I'm sure that's incredibly difficult to do as well.
ceres on
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
Too much. There is no subtlety or recalls to past concepts. Recalling to something you did/said earlier is very common in stand-up. Hard to do in a 3 panel comic I suppose, but the point remains. Don't tell us why what you're doing is funny, let it be funny on its own.
I really, really recommend you try to do this in Spanish, and then find people who speak Spanish to critique it. There is a language barrier at play here, however small you may feel it is, and you will have an easier time being funny in your native language. You just wil
If you really hate the idea of comics in Spanish, you might try comics that don't rely on dialogue, although I'm sure that's incredibly difficult to do as welll.
In general, yes, but his ideas are missing the mark at the conceptual level more than the written level. There is a chance that the intricacies we're trying to explain though are being missed due to a language barrier, but Puerto Rico isn't exactly Chile (ie, I suspect his grasp of the English language is fluent if not native).
I shall do that. Thanks for the great advice. I'll start by studying some of the special on Comedy Central.
I'm having a little trouble with this sentence though,
"They are making sure they explain the joke and why its funny for those of us who might not get it."
Do you mean I'm explaining to much of the joke or too little?
You're way over explaining very obvious "jokes". Subtle humor is the best humor. It takes time to develop that. Especially in a non-native tongue. I'd highly suggest you stop writing and find someone to do it for you. Concentrate on your art and let someone else handle the humor side of the comic.
I think that's the best idea, I'll eventually learn something just by hanging around with that person but yes I'll try focusing more on the art and less on the writing part cause we all know I suck at that.
I really, really recommend you try to do this in Spanish, and then find people who speak Spanish to critique it. There is a language barrier at play here, however small you may feel it is, and you will have an easier time being funny in your native language. You just will.
If you really hate the idea of comics in Spanish, you might try comics that don't rely on dialogue, although I'm sure that's incredibly difficult to do as well.
I'll give it a try but what annoys me about writing in spanish is that there's not many people in the internet that can critique it so I'd have to get family members and friends to critique it and they might be biased so they don't "hurt" my feelings, and that doesn't help one bit.
Too much. There is no subtlety or recalls to past concepts. Recalling to something you did/said earlier is very common in stand-up. Hard to do in a 3 panel comic I suppose, but the point remains. Don't tell us why what you're doing is funny, let it be funny on its own.
I've seen this done a lot in stand up comedy but never noticed it in comedy but maybe I'm not looking deep enough. I'll try it out nonetheless, thanks for the advice.
I really, really recommend you try to do this in Spanish, and then find people who speak Spanish to critique it. There is a language barrier at play here, however small you may feel it is, and you will have an easier time being funny in your native language. You just wil
If you really hate the idea of comics in Spanish, you might try comics that don't rely on dialogue, although I'm sure that's incredibly difficult to do as welll.
In general, yes, but his ideas are missing the mark at the conceptual level more than the written level. There is a chance that the intricacies we're trying to explain though are being missed due to a language barrier, but Puerto Rico isn't exactly Chile (ie, I suspect his grasp of the English language is fluent if not native).
This is actually true, my english is fluent and I'm in an English only school so that helps but it's possible that I'm not able to convey emotion in my writing because it's not my first language that is a big possibility.
I'll give it a try but what annoys me about writing in spanish is that there's not many people in the internet that can critique it so I'd have to get family members and friends to critique it and they might be biased so they don't "hurt" my feelings, and that doesn't help one bit.
That's bullshit, there is an entire internet out there of spanish people. Go find them.
And if there are no spanish webcomics, good. You found a niche market.
Posts
this would work better if ricks lines were something to the effect of "oh shit, tony dont jump, i gave you the wrong cape. here is the rea- oh. i guess you figured it out."
About your bed intruder one - maybe leave the guy's opinion on the song a surprise? Sort of like
Friend: Hey, you know that bed intruder song?
Guy: Yeah, why?
Friend: It's on the RBN.
Guy: Really? Hand me that guitar real quick.
*SMASH*
Fuck it, I'm going to right ahead and say this... I LOVE YOU!!!
You seem to be able to take anything I write and make it 20thousand times better. Thanks for the great advice, all of the edits are amazing in every sense of the word. You seem to be able to play with my character better than what I can do it. It's really entertaining. It's all in the delivery I need to understand this, it's not taking the fast/overdone road it's taking the one least travel and making it funny. I see it better now, now I need to implement it into my writing. I'll edit the Park employers strip and see if I could implement what you and everyone is trying to teach me.
That could really work, maybe even go the Flapjacks approach and make those panels detailed and just amazing all the way. I think I'm gonna start writing my jokes with the sketchbook in and so I can write and sketch out several approaches to get the best result.
Is English your second language Mabelma? If so I'm sure we could cut down on the colloquialisms. I mean zinger like Badum-tish! Clear joke.
but they're listening to every word I say
I get you, make him a lot wittier/sarcastic and overall just an overall dick to his friend but funny to the audience. Sounds like the best way to take his character.
I'll go download that right away, I'm currently listening to Webcomics weekly with the guys from PVP, chainsawsuit, starslip, sheldon and evil inc. I've learned a lot about webcomics but not really about writing for them it's more of drawing, publishing and all that so the podcast you suggested will help a lot. Thanks for that.
That could work actually work quite well but maybe I could go in this direction, feel free to tell me what you think.
Tony: Heard the news, the bed intruder song is on the RBN.
Rick: Really, tell me more about it...
Tony: Well they recently... (Rick's text bubble interferes with Tony's)
Rick: Say, hand me that guitar I wanna play this song
*Smash Smash*
Rick: Fun song ha!
What do you think?
That could be amazing but I doubt she would like to do that with me. I could do the art and she does the jokes but with that amazing sense of humor I'm sure she already has a webcomic of her own.
Yes english is my second language, oh like catchphrases?
in the mind of the audience, there actually may be a real cape that can really help you fly, and the comedy comes from the missed connection factor.
im not sure which i like better.
i (he) dont have a webcomic of my (his) own. if you want to talk about a possible partnering, lets take it to PMs.
english as your second language will put you at a disadvantage any time youre trying to write for or communicate to a primarily english speaking audience. this will be true regardless of what medium you are working in.
Consider: Panel 1: Tony and NSM walking up to roof, Tony wearing a cape.
NSM: So he just gave you a cape?
Tony: Yup
NSM: Is that all he said?
Panel 2: Both on roof, Tony is preparing to run with his eyes closed
Tony: He said "Take a flying leap off a building"
NSM: I um, think he meant that metaphorically
Panel 3: Tony falling off the building, look of horror on his face
Tony: But then why the caAAAAHHHH!!!
I'm not saying I'm a great writer, but you need to have connection between the panels. This is not "3 panels" this is "one strip." One panel should flow to the next, and to really be funny, you need to edit all the extra crap out, because the extra crap is distracting from the joke.
Here's a sometimes humorous comic strip with terrible art: http://dtecomic.com/?n=161 But see? When you have 9 panels and can tie the strips together, even non-existent art can be humorous.
No no, no catchphrases. I'm inadequately expressing my meaning by using colloquialisms. I just mean that there is a clear joke at the end, or somewhere in the comic.
but they're listening to every word I say
Is this edit funny?
Tony: Heard the news, the bed intruder song is on the RBN.
Rick: Really, tell me more about it...
Tony: Well they recently... (Rick's text bubble interferes with Tony's)
Rick: Say, hand me that guitar I wanna play this song
*Super Smash*
Rick: Fun song ha!
*edit* Ohhh I see basically the whole story ends in a big bang rather than build up, build up it's more like build up and BANG!
the panels do flow together in my edit though, as it is clear (or if not, should be made clear) that tony is relating the story to NSSM, thats what ties them together.
in your edit, the motivations of NSSM are not clear. why is he there? why wont he help? if you changed NSSM to some third party character, it could work, but the idea behind this is that tony wants to be a hero like NSSM.
this edit could work, but relies heavily on the art to pull the weight of the comedy. i think it would be better to find some middle ground.
I'm learning so many things from this thread alone and over at the AC I'm also learning a lot thanks to EggyToast too and really I know that next weeks strip is gonna be great and from there on every other strip will also be great.
but they're listening to every word I say
This is often why a pair of people, or small team, end up being funnier than an individual. One person can propose an idea and, in the process of talking about it, they come up with alternatives, distill it down, and make it actually really funny.
I'd like to hit some broader ideas more than focus on your script...
Is there a reason you're using a three panel comic?
Do you know who your characters are?
How are you funny? What type of stuff do you like? Why? What about the world makes you laugh? What is it you try to comment on?
Laughter is catharsis. It is the building and release of tension. I'm a performer and one of my favorite moments in a current show is the 60+ seconds of total silence I force the audience to sit through. They have no idea how to respond and the tension ramps up tremendously.
There is truth in comedy.
I highly suggest Steve Martin's autobiography Born Standing Up.
Tony- The song being on RBN is bad news
Rick- The song being on RBN is bad news
Comedy comes from conflict of some sort. It doesn't have to be arguing, it actually shouldn't be arguing, but there should be some sort of important difference between the characters, what they want, and/or how they go about getting it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxi73RQlLB8
I think you could succeed if so
Rick: Hey Tony are on you on Tumblr?
Tony: No, not really what is that.
Rick: Just google it and join, you'll like it.
P2
Tony: Ok, I'll do that.
Rick: You think you can handle it, it it's really addicting.
Tony: I can handle it!
P3
(overlay) 3 months later...
Overly detailed image of Tony's face and all the things a drugs addict would have, really small burned eyes, dirty face, black circles under his eyes. Painted style ala FlapJack
Tony: I need help!!!
Boss' chair is facing a big window as if it was empty, OTS shot from the bussines man to the boss.
Bussines man: Boss, I wanted to tell you that I haven't been payed in 4 months.
P2
Close up on chair, as it faces forward you still can't see the boss you can only see a shadow and 2 white very bright eyes looking at you
P3
Toad dressed as a business man basically pounds the table and steps out of the shadow and you can see him sitting at the chair no more shadow (he's the boss).
Toad: Your paycheck is in another castle!
Here's the new scrip
P1: Tony is playing on an Ipod
Rick: what are you doing?
Tony: Playing angrybirds
Tony: It's amazing
Rick: I don't like it.
P2: Tony looks at Rick with a mad/ amused face
No dialogue
P3: A big Angry bird falls on Rick through the roof.
You need to have some kind of universal truth behind your jokes that makes us laugh at the absurdity of life. Look at PA strips.
A joke for the sake of being a joke, is a fuckin' joke. Meaning it's terrible. Not "good". And that's what I see in your scripts. Jokes trying to be funny, but it's obvious you're just trying way too hard. It drips from each word of your script, and that's not funny; it's sad.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeQ6MAa8RI0
Maybe the angry birds one isn't recent that's true but the bed intruder one is not about the song, it was never about the song. It's about the fact that it's on the Rock Band Network but yes, I understand what you mean.
At least in the improv world, which again is where I'm coming from with this, a joke sacrifices the scene and your partner. Someone steps on stage to turn something into a joke, they didn't step on stage with an idea that will help support the other players. It sacrifices everything everyone was working for and is impossible to build from. Its like being given a bomb with one second on the clock, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? Jokes are not the only thing an audience will laugh at and in my experience, an audience is more likely to chuckle and groan to a joke rather than really roar with laughter.
Comedy is very difficult and its a lot easier to critique it than it is to write it. I highly suggest watching/reading things you find funny and pay attention to them. If you're laughing while you watch, you aren't paying close enough attention.
Also, treat your audience like geniuses. You're being a bit ham-fisted with your comics. You are making sure to explain the joke and why its funny for those of us who might not get it.
I'm having a little trouble with this sentence though,
"They are making sure they explain the joke and why its funny for those of us who might not get it."
Do you mean I'm explaining to much of the joke or too little?
You're way over explaining very obvious "jokes". Subtle humor is the best humor. It takes time to develop that. Especially in a non-native tongue. I'd highly suggest you stop writing and find someone to do it for you. Concentrate on your art and let someone else handle the humor side of the comic.
I really, really recommend you try to do this in Spanish, and then find people who speak Spanish to critique it. There is a language barrier at play here, however small you may feel it is, and you will have an easier time being funny in your native language. You just will.
If you really hate the idea of comics in Spanish, you might try comics that don't rely on dialogue, although I'm sure that's incredibly difficult to do as well.
I think that's the best idea, I'll eventually learn something just by hanging around with that person but yes I'll try focusing more on the art and less on the writing part cause we all know I suck at that.
I'll give it a try but what annoys me about writing in spanish is that there's not many people in the internet that can critique it so I'd have to get family members and friends to critique it and they might be biased so they don't "hurt" my feelings, and that doesn't help one bit.
I've seen this done a lot in stand up comedy but never noticed it in comedy but maybe I'm not looking deep enough. I'll try it out nonetheless, thanks for the advice.
This is actually true, my english is fluent and I'm in an English only school so that helps but it's possible that I'm not able to convey emotion in my writing because it's not my first language that is a big possibility.
Thanks everyone for their comments and advice.
That's bullshit, there is an entire internet out there of spanish people. Go find them.
And if there are no spanish webcomics, good. You found a niche market.