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A Year of My Life, A Girl I Can't Trust

TidwayTidway Registered User regular
edited July 2011 in Help / Advice Forum
This is a fairly long story, and I guess somewhat of a continuation of a thread I posted on here nearly a year ago now. At this point I don’t know what’s true and what’s not of what she told me, as I will say again and again. It’s really tearing me apart, and I hope if any of you have some time you might take a moment to read through my journey.

Last July I met a girl online. She lived on the west coast, I on the east. We hit it off pretty well in the beginning becoming fast friends. As we grew closer secrets came out into the open, along with her plans for suicide in the coming days. She had a boyfriend that she loved that she still considered her boyfriend even though he hadn’t talked to her and suddenly disappeared (to “jail”) a few months back. He never got back in touch with her and never once told her what was going on. She decided that this was too much and she couldn’t take living anymore, and if she didn’t hear from him she would finish it off in the next two weeks.

When I found out about this I was shocked. At this point, even though it was still fairly early on in the relationship, I felt like I was starting to fall in love with her, and learning about this was crushing. The night she told me this was the same night I told her that I loved her, an expression of truth as well as an attempt to get her to reconsider what she was planning on doing. At first it didn’t work.

She tried to commit suicide several times, with pills usually, though looking back they were probably more half-hearted attempts. She had a problem with self-harm and would cut herself with some frequency. She used to do it more, so much so that words were scarred into her arms dark and deep. When the time had come for her to do the deed I was moving into my dorms, emotionally devastated in trying to come to terms with this, my actions in the situation, trying to do everything I possibly could to help her.

In the end she called me and apologized, said she took something, and hung up. I passed out soon after that, emotionally and physically exhausted. I woke up in the morning to her calling me again. She said she had a dream about us, and having a child together, that it gave her new reason to stay alive, and that she wanted to now. I was relieved that she was okay, and happy that she now wanted a relationship with me, when she had been so unsure about it over the previous weeks.

She went back and forth for a bit, then settled into deciding that yes we were in a relationship. The next several weeks were hell of a few kinds. At this point we were video chatting on Skype for several hours a day. If something happened or she had a panic attack or something she’d usually start hurting herself by slapping herself or something. I tried to get her to stop, and sometimes it would work, but others it wouldn’t. She said I had to really scream at her sometimes to get her to stop it, so I would, scaring who knows how many people on my dorm floor. This went on for a while, then would sometimes come back the suicidal bids. Most of the time when she was doing this stuff she would turn the camera away “so I wouldn’t see”. No matter how many times I told her this made it worse she always turned it away.

In a desperate attempt to try to get her to stop, in anger, in confusion I started hitting myself as well, trying to get her to come to her senses. She stopped immediately, got very grave and said that she had a gun and would shoot herself if I didn’t stop. I, scared shitless, complied, and then the whole situation would occur again and again. She tried to commit suicide over and over and over again, so many so that I don’t know how I dealt with it, I just know I shouldn’t have. I knew that none of them would actually work, but I was blinded by my love for her, no matter how fake her suicides were, I couldn’t just ignore it.

Finally we got to a point where she was kind of happy again for the first time, she said, since when she had her last boyfriend. I was glad. At this point though I didn’t see the sheer level of abuse I was putting up with. She controlled me to the point that I had to be back in my dorms the moment she got home from what she was doing (helping out and teaching at a school, which since she was 18 seemed fishy to me). She also had an eating disorder and would refuse to eat a lot of the time, and throw up what she did have early on. Eventually I got her to stop doing this. There were several times she would fly into a rage and break up with me when I had done literally nothing wrong. I’m the type that goes miles out of my way for everyone and everything around them. I’m getting a bit better and sticking up for and thinking of myself more lately, but it’s still difficult.

The first time she broke up with me after yelling at me, hanging up on me many times, and many other things she finally said it was a misunderstanding, then when I asked over what she wouldn’t say. I asked her over what the misunderstanding was for several months without ever getting a proper answer. The best I got was “it was something you said”. The second time it was because she said all the little things I did were too much for her to deal with (little things being asking her to repeat herself because her mic wasn’t very good and I’m kind of hard of hearing, and forgetting things here and there. At this point I was doing her “teacher” work or whatever the hell it was for her and if I made a small mistake on it she’d get pissed off and make me feel bad by saying that she’d just do it herself. Me being the white knight I am insisted that I did it because it “would make things easier” on her.) There were other times than that but those just stick out as memorable.

About a month and a half after that second break up scenario that I only got under control by again hitting myself to get her to snap out of it (by this point I was becoming kind of dependent on it, not realizing the issue I was developing). I guess at this point I had finally had enough. She didn’t recognize any of the things she was doing as wrong at all. The flying off the handle every day or every other day over little things, me having to be the only one helping her through all her psychological adventures through panic attacks and fits of ‘hitting yourself’ since she absolutely refused to seek professional help, none of it occurred to her as being all that bad. This night, it was sometime in November, I pretty much cracked.

We had set this night as a night for her to answer all the questions I had built up. She agreed to it beforehand and we planned on it. I made up a list and we started. It started off okay enough, a lot of the answers I received were vague or incomplete, but I could live with it. I asked mostly about her “job”, the things she wouldn’t explain before, just all these things she told me, stories, etc. that made no logical sense for them to all be true. One time in the previous months, I don’t remember when, she told me she needed fifty dollars incredibly bad and that she needed it that night period, no matter what. She couldn’t get it from any of the people she lived with, and didn’t want to ask it from me since I had already paid for website hosting, a domain, and presents for her. She decided that the best option would be to go out into the city and sell her body for that fifty dollars. I kept yelling and screaming for her to come back, that I would just give her the money she needed and she wouldn’t listen. I brought up the fact that that would be cheating on me and how disgusted she was with herself before when she felt she was cheating on the boyfriend that completely abandoned her by having feelings for me. She wouldn’t listen until I finally just said I was sending the money and that was that. (I sent it through Paypal, and for whatever reason my Paypal account had flagged itself with something that made it impossible to send payments or anything earlier that day, so I was racing against time this entire time trying to get the payment through). When I questioned her about this situation, and what the hell that was supposed to be she pretty much said that she was “feeling very low about herself looks-wise” at the time, and she had to buy a present for me and couldn’t get it at any other time (I’ve never seen, or heard mention of this present since, she said she was saving it for later in our relationship).

When I continued to ask her about this, at this point I was very angry because I honestly felt betrayed by that. Selling your body to get me a present? Fuck that! It was beyond my comprehension to think this was in any way logical. She kept avoiding the answer, and I, finally getting angry kept pushing it. She started crying and when I wouldn’t let up because I needed an answer it spiraled down again. I simply lost it, I was pissed at all the times she threatened to kill herself, I was pissed at all the control, and I in my maddened state was trying to get her to finally tell me the truth. I started threatening her like she did me, about harming myself, about how tall my building was, about the nearby traintracks, all the ways I could die if I wanted, and out of all of it I just wanted some straight forward answers for once in the entire relationship. I got none. I’m ashamed of my actions that night, I let my emotions and anger get the better of me and over the next few weeks spent every day trying to make up for that night.

She told me that when she was finally happy again that night took it away and she didn’t think she’d ever be happy again. She said that what I did to her was abusive, that I was abusive. The mere thought of this shocked me to my bone and since she said it I took it as true. I hated myself, despised every inch of me. My anger let me truly hurt the person I truly loved. In retrospect I see how, given the circumstances, fairly tame my actions actually were. I don’t mean to dismiss them or rationalize them, not at all, but in the situation I was in, few wouldn’t go a little crazy.

As this point we were “engaged”, only a month after meeting her she was already talking about marriage. It was almost surreal. Before her I had never truly had a girlfriend in my entire life. Never kissed a girl, or really held hands with anyone other than family or friends. It was moving so fast but with how much of a romantic I was, and am, it felt right at the time. Fast forward back to the current place in time of the story and I’m spending Thanksgiving break at my dad’s house. Since we’re engaged she wanted me to tell me dad. I was nervous. I didn’t want to yet because honestly it was only mere days ago I even mentioned having a girlfriend at all, something I don’t really talk about with my dad. My relationship with my dad is interesting, it’s usually all business, or maybe some joking, but it’s not very personal. I love my dad I just don’t think I’ll ever really connect to him on the personal level I’d like to. I can accept that, he’s a pretty straightforward guy. I tried to explain this to her, that I didn’t feel comfortable with it yet, and that I’d like her to actually meet him in person first, she pressed the matter. After talking about it for a while it came down to an ultimatum (I called it this, and it was this, but she consistently denied it was an ultimatum.) Tell your dad we’re engaged TONIGHT, or we’re over. I was fucking baffled, I still am now, typing this, just at a loss for words as to how controlling, and plain wrong a statement that is.

I tried seeing if she really meant it, I mean, something like that, really? Going from “I love you forever, you’re my soul mate” to “goodbye forever jackass” over something like this. It couldn’t be true, right? It was true. I told her I wasn’t going to and she started screaming. In the end she hung up on me and said good luck finding anyone who would love you as much as I do. I was so torn up about this I went and told my dad, then told her. I made her promise then, no more time limits. That was one of the few times I asked anything of her at all.

Later that November is when the really really big one happened. The one that has stuck in my mind as the number one reason for the end of all this. She was visibly upset later in the month, and I kept asking why and she wouldn’t answer. Eventually she told me, it was because of my little brother. My little brother, half-brother, with my dad and step mom, was being born soon. I’m twenty, so a bit of an age difference. I always wanted a little brother, ever since I was little. Not even that, I always wanted siblings. I’m staying at my dad’s house now and every time I look at him my resolve steels that I would do anything in the world for that child. I would murder for him without thought, (exaggeration) anything for my little brother. But then, I was confused by her reaction. What’s wrong with having a brother, especially particularly a half brother because her half brother pretty much bought her everything she owns and was the only one protecting her and supporting her from their abusive parents. She said she just didn’t want me to have a little brother. I said that I didn’t really plan this, and I never saw it coming until I was told my step mom was pregnant, and she knew about this the day I found out about it. She never had an issue with it then, or at least she never voiced one.

I kept prodding her about it then she told me. She wanted my little brother to die. To this day she never told me why, after months of asking. Soon after that I get a text from her “friend” telling me that she’s in the hospital (she has health problems and is forced to go there sometimes since for a long time she never would herself, and she would be mad at everyone who brought her even if it was the only way to keep her alive). I received a text from her friend saying that she had about a week to live. I didn’t know what to think. At this point I was with my mom’s side of the family for Thanksgiving and we were at Bestbuy. It was a cold night and upon hearing this I told them I was going to go get some fresh air. I walked to the car and cried. I decided then and there that if she died I would follow her, I loved her that much.

When I finally heard from her the first words out of her mouth were “ I think we should break up”. To this day I don’t know if she meant it truly or was trying to provoke more drama. If you have days to live that’s not the first thing you say to the “love of your life’. We talked about it and she said it was because of the situation with my brother, and because of the little time she had left. I promised her no contact with my brother (this was one of the only lies I ever told her, at this point I had no choice). And I promised to stay with her. (Please keep In mind these aren’t short affairs, every single one of these things took hours of talking and arguing on the phone, through text, etc. passing out due to mental exhaustion, then doing it all over, sometimes over a period of days.)

At this point I was planning on visiting her for Winter break. I had been for a while and that was pretty much the only time I had to do it. She had said repeatedly that that was too long to wait, she couldn’t live without me (this was usually followed by a suicide attempt) and she couldn’t wait that long, etc. Finally after her recent brush with “death” she agreed to go to the hospital to get checked up and such with some regularity to hopefully live longer, and to be prepared to spend time with me on my visit.

This is around the time things start getting a little better. Things go mostly smoothly until I get to my mom’s. My mom lived in Las Vegas, so I decided I would visit her (my mom) for a bit of winter break, then go see HER then my mom again, then back home. It makes sense from an airport schedule perspective. I told her this, then she agreed to it and all that and was looking forward to it.

Here’s another real kicker. While I was staying with her I couldn’t stay at her house because her brother was there and he’s super protective of her and such. So I had to get a hotel room for ten days. (Read: expensive). The week I spent with my mom was hell. I enjoyed the time I had with my mom immensely, but I kept being interrupted by her, wanting to skype with me, needing me to do an “Example” assignment for her, wanting to spend time with me, etc. etc. etc. I kept telling her that I was busy and spending time with my mom, that I hadn’t seen my mom in a long time and only get to see her (my mom) a maximum of twice a year. This visit was important to me. I kept having to reassure her that it wasn’t more important than her.

(By the way, that example paper she forced me to do by saying she’d have a panic attack and probably have another heart attack (she claimed she had one the previous month when I got pissed off and told her to pay attention to the headlines for me) if it didn’t get done. She also said she couldn’t do it herself. She maintained that this wasn’t in any way forcing me to do the paper, that it was my choice that I was doing the paper on a topic I had never researched and it had to have sources, and isn’t this supposed to be my break?)

Anyway, it gets ridiculous, to the point that my mom (and everyone she’s living with since she didn’t have her own place at the time due to a bad old abusive relationship) noticed what was going on with me and her. Even my roommate in the dorms pointed it out to me, but she (roommate is mtf trans and an old friend of mine) had her own stuff going on and I’m pretty good at hiding my emotions. I keep getting advice from left and right about many different things, about how I don’t have to stay in the relationship that’s hurting me, etc. I wish I had listened more.

I finally fly in and have to take a cab from Oakland about 30 miles to where she lived, but not where she lived, the little market hub within walking distance of her house that has hotels in it that I was staying in. (Notice how expensive this is getting). She said she couldn’t come see me that night because it was too late and she couldn’t go out now (aren’t you supposed to be 18? Y’know, an adult?) So I spent Christmas Eve alone, and depressed, but we still Skyped.

Aside from a single fight we had about my mom texting me on New Years asking when she had to pick me up from the airport (she felt that it was rude of my mom, I thought this assumption was absurd). We really had a wonderful week. It was truly one of the best weeks in my life. Maybe even the best. Which really doesn’t help with the situation I’m in now.

After that week is done and I get back to my mom, we (the girl) and I fight a lot. I realize at this point that what she has been doing to me is abuse and I never abused her and I was trying to get her to admit it, but she wouldn’t. We fought like this for a while until she finally in a period of less than an hour between a phone call where she was saying she didn’t do anything wrong, to another one with her professing her guilt, decided that yes, she had abused me. This led to less talking as we cooled down and I tried to enjoy the rest of the time I had with my mom but it was kind of difficult. Eventually she texted me saying she hated herself and was going to run away and she loved me and she would probably never see me again and all this bullshit. I’m really tired of it at this point.

Finally she accepts everything I say and agrees to try and get help. I decide to stay with her on my flight home, and tell her this, I decide to give her another chance. She tells me she’s pregnant. Long before this she said her reproductive system was messed up and it was nearly impossible for her to have or conceive kids. Regardless of this we still used protection and were as safe as possible. She claimed it was from some semen getting on her panties or something. She worried about this early on in the trip, and we even tried getting the morning after pill to be sure. (Being stupid and desperate, hell yeah.)

We keep trying to work through things and she gets a lot better in some ways. After a few months of still putting up with random bullshit that’s just like before she says she’s totally better from therapy (where apparently the person she was seeing said literally almost nothing) and things are actually going OK. But I’m not happy at all.

At this point I don’t know what’s real, from all the lies before, to the infinitesimally small chance she actually got pregnant, to the lack of proof of any visit to a hospital or any pictures whatsoever of an ultrasound or anything like that or any size change over a period of a few months, I honestly didn’t know what to believe.

Her health took a turn for the worse and we start arguing more than ever. She tells me one day after a particularly bad argument where we didn’t talk for a couple of days that she miscarried the baby. I didn’t know what to say really. Then she blamed it on me, because I was stressing her out, and stress probably had a huge factor in it, and all this shit and I didn’t know what to think anymore.

From this point forward I start having more of an issue being around her, sometimes everything was okay then I would just start to well up with resentment and anger over EVERYTHING that has occurred since I knew her. I didn’t know what was true, I didn’t know anything at all and I couldn’t stand it. We kept fighting and she kept asking me why I had to keep looking at the past, why couldn’t I just accept it and move on. The truth is I couldn’t. Everything was too much. So nearly a month ago now was my last contact with her.

For months she refused to give me the time away from her that I needed to heal a little after all the shit I went through. When she finally accepted it, the first thing she said was, she couldn’t be with me if I had to take this time and she was breaking up with me. She called me the next day letting me know we weren’t broken up.

Now it’s been nearly a month since my last contact with her. I’m still as confused as ever. Half the time I’m angry at her, the other half I’m crying myself to sleep. Everything reminds me of her, and I do know that I love her, whatever she is underneath that heap of lies.

To the end she maintained that everything she didn’t correct was the truth and that she would never hide anything from me, but I really don’t believe her. I can’t trust her. I love her, I truly do, and I miss her terribly, but I can’t be with someone like that.

Since then I’ve made some truly good strides in the right direction. I have my diet under control, I’m exercising regularly, I’m keeping busy, I’m working. (Almost all of these things I basically dropped to be with her and keep her happy). But despite all this, I kind of fear sleeping at night. Because I know that every time I turn out the lights and it’s just me and the silence, I know that I’ll start crying and thinking about the times we had that were actually good. Think of the times that felt magical like waking up in eachother’s arms the morning after the one night she actually stayed the night during that week.

All these things flash through my mind and I’m worried about falling into a depression, then I just pick myself back up and deal with it the best I can, by focusing on what I have to do now.

I honestly don’t know what to do about these feelings though. I don’t know if I should ever contact her again. I don’t know if I really want to know the absolute truth about everything.

A large part of this was just writing it down, and if you made it down to here, I really appreciate it. I actually posted here asking for help then when she was going to commit suicide since I didn’t know what to do then either.

I know what to do now, sort of, or I know the right path, I guess I’m just looking for something missing but I don’t know what yet. Is it just the lingering feelings, or the hole that was left in my heart the day I decided I had to break it off with her.

Anyways. Sorry for rambling, I just really needed to type that up.

Thank you for your time.

Tidway on
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Posts

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    Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    there's 2000 words of "crazy lady" up there

    It sounds like you (belatedly) straightened up and handled this correctly. Continue to not talk to her. The only thing that will ultimately help you get over it is time, although it sounds like there might be some deeper issues going on than just getting out of a long relationship. Assuming you're still in undergrad you probably have access to some free counseling services, which you might check out

    Eat it You Nasty Pig. on
    NREqxl5.jpg
    it was the smallest on the list but
    Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
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    StericaSterica Yes Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited July 2011
    Stay the fuck away from her for the rest of your life unless she can prove she's pregnant with your child.

    She's is loving A)The attention your give her and B)The power she has over. I can guarantee you she has given you more bullshit than a farmer to his crops. You are basically a punching bag.

    Stay. The. Fuck. Away.

    And you probably need therapy if you let someone basically torture you like this for so long. I don't know why you let it go on like this, but that's a potential problem.

    Sterica on
    YL9WnCY.png
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    Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    She crazy man. Mental as anything. Cut that out of your life like a cancerous growth.

    Donovan Puppyfucker on
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    Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    You did the right thing.

    You know what you should do every time you want to go back to her?

    Read your OP. No one. treats someone like that if they love them.

    You deserve better. Do not try and bullshit yourself and tell yourself you do not deserve better.

    Blake T on
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    RynaRyna Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    That is textbook mental abuse.

    She is a horrible, horrible person to do that to you. Get her out of your life right now.

    Ryna on
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    Inquisitor77Inquisitor77 2 x Penny Arcade Fight Club Champion A fixed point in space and timeRegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    You are doing the right thing by cutting off communication with her and trying to move forward with your life.

    Please do look into some sort of counseling, at least so you can talk to someone about everything that has happened. Hopefully they can better equip you in fighting against the urge to reconnect with her and start another cycle of abuse.

    Inquisitor77 on
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    AwkAwk Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    And it's only been a month, it's going to take many more to heal and think straight.

    Awk on
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    DusT_HounDDusT_HounD Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    @tidway:
    sorry you're having this problem- it's always awful to suffer like that, but the best thing you did was to get it out in the open.

    Regarding this girl: RED FLAG, RED FLAG- DAMAGED GOODS.

    Like the others said: nobody that actually likes you would treat you in this manner, so you've every right (and need) to cut contact.

    Obviously you're hurting, and that's understandable but in this relationship, from what you've told us, only one person's feelings can be trusted to be real, and those are yours.

    A few things that might have been said already, but could be reiterated are as follows:

    1) stay out of contact- like for EVER.
    2) do things that YOU enjoy, not directly to distract yourself, but because those things are what make you who you are- eventually you'll remember what it's like to be you, individual and happy. If you find that you have time to sit down to think about this bitch, you're NOT DOING ENOUGH THINGS THAT YOU LIKE. DO MORE. (Yes, i know that's easier said than done, but try, and don't give up.)
    3) prepare for eventualities like her actually being pregnant. If she shows up at your door with a random kid, it's paternity test time. Q: "but don't you trust me, after all we had together???" A: "No, i fucking don't- you've lied to me before to manipulate me, and i will not give you another opportunity." (Of course, then if there IS a kid, and it IS yours, then you man up and pay your child support, obviously, because that's what a decent, honest man like you does.)
    4) Profit.

    Good luck, and godspeed!

    DusT_HounD on
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    cabsycabsy the fattest rainbow unicorn Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    You got out of it! Now stay out of it. It's hard as hell but you can do it. It's especially hard because if I am reading this right she was your first girlfriend, so you don't know that you can and you will get that feeling of happiness with other people who are not crazy abusers who want to manipulate you into being their emotional punching bags.

    The big thing you're going to need to watch out for and be prepared for is that at some point she's going to really realize that you aren't going to come crawling back on your own and she's going to start contacting you. She may say horrible things, she may say painfully nice things that make you wonder if maybe you were being too harsh, but either way STAY OUT OF IT. Block her, ignore her, if you must tell her you don't want to talk to her anymore but no matter what do not engage in an argument or a discussion with her or she will not stop and you will end up back where you started.

    The thing about abusers that people who have not been abused do not understand is that abusers are not just terrible people who tell you awful things; if they were nobody would ever be abused, because nobody thinks, "Ah yes I want a relationship where my partner tells me I'm scum." Abusers are very persuasive and usually very charming and great at talking you around in circles until you find yourself thinking hey, maybe they have a point. If you let yourself get involved in a discussion or conversation with her this WILL happen so just stay out of it, do not engage, and work on moving on.

    cabsy on
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    squeefishsqueefish Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Before her I had never truly had a girlfriend in my entire life. Never kissed a girl, or really held hands with anyone other than family or friends.

    ...

    I know that I’ll start crying and thinking about the times we had that were actually good. Think of the times that felt magical like waking up in eachother’s arms the morning after the one night she actually stayed the night during that week.

    The first time someone gives you some romantic attention, it's an amazing feeling. It may feel like you'll never get to feel that again now that you and this girl aren't together anymore. But those few "times that felt magical"? You can have way, way more of those, with none of this manipulative bullshit. There are so many good people out there who will actually care about you -- people who will be as attentive to your feelings as you have been to this abusive person. You deserve that. Don't dwell on the few bright spots in an otherwise unbelievably bleak relationship (seriously, just one of the points on that list of yours would be grounds for never speaking to someone again. I mean, she wanted your little brother to die? That's not some trivial quirk!)

    squeefish on
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited July 2011
    That's emotional abuse, plain and simple. I have been through it, it will not go away without therapy, get help.

    It does something to you. Something you can't always see in yourself. Never see her again, and get help.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    Aurora BorealisAurora Borealis runs and runs and runs away BrooklynRegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Oh my.

    Never, ever see, skype, text, FB or otherwise talk to this woman again.

    She is not pregnant with your child and she never was.

    Get thee to therapy. Immediately, now. Do it.

    Go visit your baby brother and fucking enjoy having a baby brother. Buy him lots of presents and read him books and play games with him and teach him shit. It's gonna be awesome.

    Go visit your mom again and have a fucking good time doing it, with no girl drama involved.

    Do not, I repeat, do not get into a new relationship until you've had some therapy and have a better understanding of just how fucked-up the things this girl did to you were.

    And never, ever, have any contact with this poisonous abusive girl ever again.

    Aurora Borealis on
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    Sir CarcassSir Carcass I have been shown the end of my world Round Rock, TXRegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    squeefish wrote: »
    Before her I had never truly had a girlfriend in my entire life. Never kissed a girl, or really held hands with anyone other than family or friends.

    ...

    I know that I’ll start crying and thinking about the times we had that were actually good. Think of the times that felt magical like waking up in eachother’s arms the morning after the one night she actually stayed the night during that week.

    The first time someone gives you some romantic attention, it's an amazing feeling. It may feel like you'll never get to feel that again now that you and this girl aren't together anymore. But those few "times that felt magical"? You can have way, way more of those, with none of this manipulative bullshit. There are so many good people out there who will actually care about you -- people who will be as attentive to your feelings as you have been to this abusive person. You deserve that. Don't dwell on the few bright spots in an otherwise unbelievably bleak relationship (seriously, just one of the points on that list of yours would be grounds for never speaking to someone again. I mean, she wanted your little brother to die? That's not some trivial quirk!)

    This.

    I'll also point out, the first girl I was truly in love with basically treated me like her backup (I love you so much this week, oh I'm going to a party with this guy this week, he was a dick and I love you so much this week, etc), and I let it go on for far too long (about a year and a half). Once I finally decided I'd had enough, it took me a good 6 months before I didn't feel like the world had just ended and I would never love anyone else. It may seem like you'll never get over her now, but you will. It may take a while, but it will happen. You just have to cut off contact with her completely.

    Just spend some time focusing on you and your family. Love will find you again, it always does.

    Sir Carcass on
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    Skoal CatSkoal Cat Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    When everyone around you and everyone on the Internet is telling you the same thing, its generally best to listen to them. I learned, also the hard way, that outside perspective on relationships can be more valuable and correct than my personal point of view.

    Skoal Cat on
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    TurkeyTurkey So, Usoop. TampaRegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Don't feel too bad about yourself Tidway, almost everybody goes through something like this at some point (though usually not that bad). The good thing about it is that now you know better.

    See if you can block her phone number, as well as her online accounts. Also consider getting a new primary email address.

    Turkey on
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    JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    What everyone else said.

    That are about 3 billion other women on the planet, you don't need to get yourself all worked up over an internet stranger who is clearly fucked in the head. She needs help and not the kind that you can provide.

    I would try to make relationships with girls who live in the immediate vicinity for the foreseeable future as well.

    JebusUD on
    and I wonder about my neighbors even though I don't have them
    but they're listening to every word I say
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    UsagiUsagi Nah Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    ceres wrote: »
    That's emotional abuse, plain and simple. I have been through it, it will not go away without therapy, get help.

    It does something to you. Something you can't always see in yourself. Never see her again, and get help.

    This, down to the details.

    If you're in college there are bound to be free mental health services that you can take advantage of, and you absolutely should. It's really important for you to a) heal yourself with their guidance and b) learn how to not get in that situation again, which is exactly what a counselor will do.

    Good luck and so many hugs!

    Usagi on
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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    JebusUD wrote: »
    I would try to make relationships with girls who live in the immediate vicinity for the foreseeable future as well.

    If you walk out of this with anything, it should be this little piece of advice firmly embedded in your head.

    Esh on
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    TidwayTidway Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    First off, sorry for taking so long to respond to you all, family get together for the 4th and I just basically had to cook enough food for a small army encampment mostly by myself, but now that I have a moment. (My dad likes to do it big.)

    Thank you all so much, truly from the bottom of my heart. As cheesy as it sounds. I'll be back in school soon enough and then I'll make use of the free therapy they have there. (The friend I mentioned was my roommate was also seeing them for gender dysphoria and actually offered for me to come with her on one of her appointments, I really think I should have taken her up on that now.)

    Right now I'm just trying to work and spend time with the friends I pretty much neglected while being with her. There's a lot of things I didn't cover up there and seeing as this is just the main big things it's still the tip of the iceberg in a lot of ways, which does indeed say quite a bit about what I've put myself through.

    Yeah it was my first "true" relationship after many friendships and unrequited feelings throughout the years, so maybe I was kind of grabbing onto the first one to really reciprocate in any way.

    Even after everything that happenedI'm trying to come out of this bearing her no ill will because I highly doubt she sat there and planned this all out to hurt me, she's just really messed up and in my attempts to help I got sucked into all that. I do hope she gets the help she needs but that does not mean I ever plan on contacting her again.

    The last thing I said to her was that I needed time, a lot of it. She asked me to let her know when I didn't need time anymore and the conversation pretty much ended there. That's one of the primary things that's still eating at me, that I didn't just say, "No, I don't want to see you ever again." The lack of finality I guess.

    The other thing and honestly probably the biggest is that, regardless of how much a lie or how factual it is, if in fact she was ever pregnant, that regardless of who she was if that was my child I feel absolutely and completely responsible for it, and the thought of the first child ever conceived by me (regardless or if it ever happened at all) being dead, is almost unbearable. Since I was younger I knew I would have kids at some point. My dad was almost never there as a child so I steeled myself to be the best father I could possibly be. To ALWAYS be there as much as possible no matter what. I can live with and get over if it was true or false, but not knowing and sitting in limbo on it just is too much.

    I'm not planning on being in another relationship for a while. I know I should move on, and I'm working on that, and hopefully especially being back in college with my friends and getting psychological help will help a lot.

    It means the world to me everything all of you have said. Thank you so much.

    Tidway on
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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Tidway wrote: »
    The other thing and honestly probably the biggest is that, regardless of how much a lie or how factual it is, if in fact she was ever pregnant, that regardless of who she was if that was my child I feel absolutely and completely responsible for it, and the thought of the first child ever conceived by me (regardless or if it ever happened at all) being dead, is almost unbearable. Since I was younger I knew I would have kids at some point. My dad was almost never there as a child so I steeled myself to be the best father I could possibly be. To ALWAYS be there as much as possible no matter what. I can live with and get over if it was true or false, but not knowing and sitting in limbo on it just is too much.

    For one what you were in was not a relationship in the way they're traditionally thought of, and I'm sorry that it had to be your first experience. What you were in was some sort of screwed up sadomasochistic nightmare full of lies.

    Two, I can guarantee, in fact, I'd bet my life on the fact that she was never pregnant. Not yours. Not someone else's. The girl is seriously screwed up and she's imparted a good share of her crazy onto you at this point. Get into that therapy ASAP and realize this isn't who you are and that it's easily fixable.

    Esh on
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    Skoal CatSkoal Cat Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    She was never pregnant, and thank your lucks stars that this is the case. Being tied to a sociopath for a lifetime through your spawn is on this side of horrible... sigh.

    Skoal Cat on
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    Sir CarcassSir Carcass I have been shown the end of my world Round Rock, TXRegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    As someone who has gone through a miscarriage, I found it easier to think of it not as a baby that died, but as a failed pregnancy. A woman can miscarry for a ton of reasons, and a lot of those are because there was something wrong with the pregnancy to begin with. It's nature's way of kind of ensuring healthy babies, in a way.

    Sir Carcass on
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    EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    To me this looks like a relationship you should have ditched within the first 2 months mate. Don't even think about going back to that ever again. It is incredibly unhealthy for you to be in that situation. You, or anyone for that matter, can do far better than what she is offering. (Which to me, looks like nothing at all but drama and mental abuse.)

    Elimination on
    PSN: PA_Elimination 3DS: 4399-2012-1711 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheElimination/
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    KyanilisKyanilis Bellevue, WARegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Pretty much what everyone else has said. She is nuts, and that shouldn't be your problem. Cut off communication and move on. Talk to a professional about it as well. One day you'll experience a real relationship. what you were in was incredibly one sided, she got her needs met by the attention you constantly provided and she just kept pushing it.

    Once you develop feelings for someone it is difficult to let it go, but in this case, I don't see any pro to ever talk to her again. She did a lot of damage to you, but you've got a lot of life left, you don't need her messing up the rest of that for you.

    And as everyone else has said, she was never pregnant, that's textbook crazy person "Oh god things are falling out of my control and I need something new to reign them in" behavior.

    Just remember, not everybody is like she was.

    Kyanilis on
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    Skoal CatSkoal Cat Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    If you're still unsure about the pregnancy thing... there have been several billion ejaculations inside of a woman that didn't end in pregnancy. Want to guess at how many babies have been made from getting a little precum on some panties?

    edit: Lets go with gajillions instead of billions.

    Skoal Cat on
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    KyanilisKyanilis Bellevue, WARegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Yeah, it's not quite as easy to get pregnant as people would have you believe. I mean, definitely practice safe sex, but the odds are massively in your favor here.

    Kyanilis on
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    TidwayTidway Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Yeah, I know logically that you all are right, but I guess I'm not nearly over that yet. I'll just have to work through it.

    Thinking of it from a perspective of 'she's a mentally troubled girl' rather than 'she's the girl I love' helps a lot. Looking back so few even very basic things make sense, including where she went to school, even her basic interests.

    I hope I can grow from this and come out of it better, and I appreciate all of your advice.

    Tidway on
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    KyanilisKyanilis Bellevue, WARegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Really, the first step is recognizing that there is something wrong. You've obviously realized that since you're asking for advice about it. In the future, you may even recognize the signs right away and be able to avoid another situation like this. It's toughest when you've never experienced anything like it.

    Kyanilis on
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    StericaSterica Yes Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited July 2011
    I think this is also a good lesson in long-distance internet relationships. You're probably lucky you didn't get taken for a ride by some huckster. While I'm not saying it's impossible to meet someone on the internet and form a relationship, I do think you should be exercise caution when you do. Alarm bells went off when you mentioned her asking, nay, demanding for money. I shudder to think what would have happened if she demanded bank account numbers or other priceless information.

    Shit, I'm pretty shocked you even met her in person. I fully expected you to get stood up.

    Sterica on
    YL9WnCY.png
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    HikkinsHikkins Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    That was truly one of the most awful things I've read in a really long time. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

    To mirror what everyone else in here has said, you did the right thing by cutting contact with her.

    Speaking from my own experience, I've been in a couple of similar situations to yours. Not as severe, but pretty close. I know it can be hard to get over - because as much as myself and everyone else that's reading this can see that you were stuck in an awful spiral of abuse, when you're caught up in that spiral, it just feels normal, which makes it hard to see just how much damage she's done.

    The important thing now is to start taking steps to get past this. Since you can get free therapy, make sure you make use of that as much as possible. You're doing the right thing by keeping yourself active - make sure you keep that up to.

    The other thing, which I think is important, is to start building healthy relationships with other people. And by that, I don't mean romantic relationships, because after what you've just been through I don't think you're ready for those yet. But start working on meeting new people, building friendships, etc. Because from what I can tell, this experience seems to have left you with a warped idea of what's acceptable/normal for people to do in relationships, and I think it would probably help to see how different things can be with people who aren't batshit fucking loco.

    Most importantly, just remember that you've done the hard bit. Piecing yourself back together may seem difficult, and cutting contact with someone you love may feel awful, but the abuse is over, and that's the worst part. Hopefully, in a few years you'll be able to look back on this and think "why the fuck was I upset about getting rid of her?"

    Hikkins on
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    TurkeyTurkey So, Usoop. TampaRegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Rorus Raz wrote: »
    I think this is also a good lesson in long-distance internet relationships. You're probably lucky you didn't get taken for a ride by some huckster. While I'm not saying it's impossible to meet someone on the internet and form a relationship, I do think you should be exercise caution when you do. Alarm bells went off when you mentioned her asking, nay, demanding for money. I shudder to think what would have happened if she demanded bank account numbers or other priceless information.

    Shit, I'm pretty shocked you even met her in person. I fully expected you to get stood up.

    It's certainly possible to start relationships on the internet, provided both parties are sane. They should never be someone's first experience though.

    Turkey on
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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Turkey wrote: »
    Rorus Raz wrote: »
    I think this is also a good lesson in long-distance internet relationships. You're probably lucky you didn't get taken for a ride by some huckster. While I'm not saying it's impossible to meet someone on the internet and form a relationship, I do think you should be exercise caution when you do. Alarm bells went off when you mentioned her asking, nay, demanding for money. I shudder to think what would have happened if she demanded bank account numbers or other priceless information.

    Shit, I'm pretty shocked you even met her in person. I fully expected you to get stood up.

    It's certainly possible to start relationships on the internet, provided both parties are sane. They should never be someone's first experience though.

    And you should never become someone's significant other or become engaged before actually meeting.

    Esh on
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited July 2011
    This is not an internet relationship debate.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    ceres wrote: »
    This is not an internet relationship debate.

    There's no debate. Everyone is on the same side here. We're just giving him advice for the future.

    Esh on
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    DockenDocken Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    What. The. FUCK.

    Dude, wake up every day and thank whatever deity you believe in that you dodged that insane train.

    Seriously, that is one of the most messed up things I have read in a long while on this forum - to say you got put through the wringer by a crazy person is a massive understatement.

    I mean, what a horrible person. Your first love treats you like that???

    Not trying to be mean, but someone like that is probably incapable of real love... they're trapped in their own little hell of their creation that they want to be in, and they only exist to hurt other people because it makes them feel good.

    You know in your head that she was messed up and it was all wrong - hold onto that, because its the truth.

    My advice to you is to get out and live life - you've got a brand new lease on things now! Enjoy it!

    Docken on
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    I just want to add that you shouldn't think about whether she was an okay person with issues or just plain bad. She sounds like a monster. consciously or subconsciously she was trying to destroy you. She wanted to alter you on a fundamental level so you couldn't function without her. When she said the thing about your half brother you should have realized she had no redeeming features, a demon in human skin.

    I've been reading relationship advice threads on this forum for like 8 years now and this is the first time I have said to myself 'shit that person's partner is just plain evil'.

    DodgeBlan on
    Read my blog about AMERICA and THE BAY AREA

    https://medium.com/@alascii
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited July 2011
    In addition: The only thing you can do now is be strong. Being strong doesn't mean not crying or forcing yourself to be happy or whatever, it just means not going back to her. No matter how bad you feel, no matter how shit you feel for however long, as long as you don't go back to her you have been strong.

    DodgeBlan on
    Read my blog about AMERICA and THE BAY AREA

    https://medium.com/@alascii
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    AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Who ever wishes death on someone else's family member should be forgotten in an instant. ESPECIALLY if that family member is only an innocent child.

    Do not talk to her. Do not contact her. She is poison, and she will only hurt you more. I speak from experience. Forget about her, and possibly get therapy, because holy shit, that is some mind and soul crushing shit.

    AlyceInWonderland on
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    LadyMLadyM Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    First, she's was never pregnant. She was making it up to control you.

    Second, that is the worst thing I've ever read. Because although I've (sadly) seen/heard about emotionally abusive relationships before, that is the first one where I've seen the SO trying to convince their partner to kill their baby brother.

    This girl is crazy. You cannot fix her. She will ruin your life and make you miserable if you ever go back to her. I know you're struggling right now because, well, people can get used to anything and can be manipulated into staying through some hellish experiences. But try to think how you would've reacted to this story two years ago. Or how you would react to it if someone else was telling it. If your dad said, "Hey, I've found a new girlfriend, but she wants your brother to die. Do you think I should go on dating her?", what would you say?

    And just a few random points that stuck out to me--She doesn't have a teaching job; she was using you to get her homework done. She continually tried to isolate you from your family and friends. She tried to control your movements and activities. She was never going to "sell her body on the street"; that was a lie to get you to send her money. I think you know all these things; I just wanted to reiterate them. Read them whenever you think about getting back with her.

    LadyM on
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    OrikaeshigitaeOrikaeshigitae Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited July 2011
    I've been in a similar relationship. You are doing the best thing possible by not talking to her anymore. Moreso than most breakups, it will hurt - when my ex ended the relationship by cheating on me, it completely disabled me for two months.

    But you know what?

    I'm not in that relationship anymore. Overall, I am way ahead.

    You are too.

    Orikaeshigitae on
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