So my masters dissertation was due today and at about 6am my will broke and I couldn't continue. It wasn't a case of not being able to finish in time. Rather I had become physically and mentally exhausted, my heart was trying to escape from my chest and I just couldn't face another ten hours of frantic activity.
I emailed my course director to let him know what happened. I'm not sure if it is possible to get deferral on the day of submission and I didn't ask for one. I don't know if I could use it if I got one, even though I am only a few hours work away from completion, I just can't take it anymore.
I've slept for the past four hours or so but my body is still reeling from the stress.
I can't really face any of my university friends now, obviously they are going to be out celebrating. My best friend in the course knows anyway. My folks are sickeningly supportive as usual, the first thing I did was call them, and they are talking about me flying out to where they are on holiday at the moment or flying in to visit me. I don't know, I have no desire to do anything right now.
I've been lost in the woods for the past couple of years, trying to find a career path, a life path. This year has been really good for me in terms of showing me I'm a socially capable person, but I still face the hurdle of convincing myself I'm a professionally capable person, and you know, actually being successful in the wonderful job market with my super employable skill set.
I don't feel like the work I've done over the past few months was a waste. This sucks a whole bunch but its life experience, the world will keep turning.
But I don't know what to do with myself for the next few days and when I recover from this I have to get back to the real world and go on the job hunt, which is pretty much the most terrifying thing I can conceive of. A year and a half ago I was at a point where I would rather die than do that, and I got a mental health reprieve. So I guess the outcome today was also the product of slowly building up anxiety that I am approaching that hurdle again. I was at my most content a few years ago when I had a job in a warehouse just moving boxes around and didn't have to deal with any people. I just want to be back in a position like that, where I'm a functional person, but the idea of handing out my cv/resume and going for interviews is nightmare fuel. All I want to do is live, be person who stands on his own two feet, but it seems so impossible.