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Girl problem, need help
RabidCatHater
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So there's this girl at work that I've liked for awhile now (about a year) and we have a pretty flirty relationship. We get along well and there is a definite attraction between the two of us (she's admitted as much) but she had a boyfriend so I've never made a move.
A bit about me- I'm usually the "girl" in a relationship. I'm currently single, very passive and shy, and have trouble even talking to girls.
A bit about her- She is very outspoken/outgoing and a bit of a party girl but I enjoy being around her. But she's very girly too, the type that expects the guy to take charge, and a little self-centered. Despite that I still like her.
Both of us (lets call her Sayu) were invited to the coast for the weekend by a mutual friend who was unaware of her boyfriend and is trying to set us up. A little awkward, but I figured I could just ignore his plans and have a good time, maybe even meet some single girl out there and have fun.
Well about two weeks ago Sayu told me that she split up with her boyfriend. Things hadn't been working out for them for awhile so they ended it...but they're still living together (neither of them can afford to live on their own). This gets my hopes up but it also a little weird. She had been down a bit since then so to cheer her up we (Sayu, I, and a group of friends) went out drinking and hung out for awhile. At the end of the night she crashed at my place (didnt want to drive) and we watched a movie and talked and cuddled for a bit until falling asleep. Things definetly could have gotten more...intimate, but I was kinda drunk and sick so decided I shouldn't be doing anything rash.
So Sayu and I are gonna be at the coast this weekend but I can't decide if I should make a move or not. If I did I'm very worried about becoming the rebound boy but at the same time I don't want to sit on my ass and pass up an opportunity at a relationship. Would a long-term relationship be possible given she is on the rebound, or do situations like this turn out poorly for others in my position? When exactly does the rebound period start, when the relationship dies or when they break up? And what the hell do I do about her living with her ex if we do get together? I am mostly worried about getting hurt or making our friendship awkward. What are some other choices I could make? Anyone else have a similar experience? I just really need some help so I don't fuck this up/get screwed over.
A bit about me- I'm usually the "girl" in a relationship. I'm currently single, very passive and shy, and have trouble even talking to girls.
A bit about her- She is very outspoken/outgoing and a bit of a party girl but I enjoy being around her. But she's very girly too, the type that expects the guy to take charge, and a little self-centered. Despite that I still like her.
Both of us (lets call her Sayu) were invited to the coast for the weekend by a mutual friend who was unaware of her boyfriend and is trying to set us up. A little awkward, but I figured I could just ignore his plans and have a good time, maybe even meet some single girl out there and have fun.
Well about two weeks ago Sayu told me that she split up with her boyfriend. Things hadn't been working out for them for awhile so they ended it...but they're still living together (neither of them can afford to live on their own). This gets my hopes up but it also a little weird. She had been down a bit since then so to cheer her up we (Sayu, I, and a group of friends) went out drinking and hung out for awhile. At the end of the night she crashed at my place (didnt want to drive) and we watched a movie and talked and cuddled for a bit until falling asleep. Things definetly could have gotten more...intimate, but I was kinda drunk and sick so decided I shouldn't be doing anything rash.
So Sayu and I are gonna be at the coast this weekend but I can't decide if I should make a move or not. If I did I'm very worried about becoming the rebound boy but at the same time I don't want to sit on my ass and pass up an opportunity at a relationship. Would a long-term relationship be possible given she is on the rebound, or do situations like this turn out poorly for others in my position? When exactly does the rebound period start, when the relationship dies or when they break up? And what the hell do I do about her living with her ex if we do get together? I am mostly worried about getting hurt or making our friendship awkward. What are some other choices I could make? Anyone else have a similar experience? I just really need some help so I don't fuck this up/get screwed over.
RabidCatHater on
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I'm serious. It's NOT healthy for you to enter into a relationship hoping for it to be long-term and deep and life-changing and blah blah blah right off the bat.
Ask her out, because if you don't, someone else will. I can say this for experience: waiting for the "rebound period" to end will just allow another guy to take your place. And when you go out, don't have such high expectations. Just be flirty, nonchalant, and HAVE FUN. The relationship can progress into a long-term thing when and if you two click, but there's no use in pushing it.
Personally, I think of the whole concept of a "rebound" period is mostly garbage. The only truth in it is that yes, people sometimes date with lower standards right after a break-up because of loneliness. While it does mean that she might, at some point, realize she's dating you to fulfill a need for attention and dump you, she also might, you know, appreciate you for who you are and stay. Essentially, if the girl would stay in a relationship with you under any other situation, she'll certainly stay in a relationship with you "off the rebound."
p.s. If she tells you she "doesn't want a relationship right now," she's not telling the entire truth. She's just not interested.
That's not entirely true either, some people do have feelings and stuff they sort out, don't want to be hurt again, etc, after a nasty breakup.
Either way though, definitely ask, and take your time with the relationship. Pushing any relationship too quickly is asking for disaster.
Definitly don't be afriad.
Exactly. I'm in the opposite situation (or was, I think) in that I lowered my standards to a girl I really didn't like and ended up not wanting to be in a relationship with her... thats what a rebound is. If I was really into this girl, or if I found someone I was really into, I would stay in the relationship with them, they wouldn't be a rebound.
So don't think of it as a "rebound period" because you can either be a rebound or you can be relationship material because she likes you. Go in there with confidence and show her that you are worth it.
I don't know why you would say this exactly. Hearing this is not helpful to him, nor is it any more of a likely situation. He's just got to be confident and go for it. She's already shown interest, it's not like he's just throwing himself out there and hoping she feels the same way.
So OP, if you want to listen to this guy and you think you have no chance than just give up like it seems he is inferring you to do. Or, if you want to have a great time with a girl that you're into, go to that coast with confidence. Don't go in there with expectations, just have fun.
Indeed. If it's neither help, nor advice, and you're posting it here anyway, what the fuck is wrong with you?
As for the other things, like living with her ex, yeah, that can be awkward. I'd still say don't worry about it, just prioritize. Consider what is most important, then focus on that thing first. If that means your plans involving your situation with someone else needs to change, then so be it. Plans change all the time, thats just the way it is. Its funny how a course of action becomes obvious when you have something specific you need to do. Things you never really noticed or thought to consider will suddenly be in the foreground pointing the way to go.
I would suggest making your decision and sticking with it until the end, if there is anything that would seriously fuck you up right now it's hesitation and indecision, which you've admitted being prone to. So maybe do your best in getting that part of you to shut the hell up for a while. There is no adventure without risk, and it sounds like you want an adventure with this girl. So go have fun already, what are you waiting for?