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Asking out a friend
Forever
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I know, I know. When I read these threads, I always think to myself, "Just ask her out!" But now that I'm in the situation it doesn't seem that easy and I would like some outside input.
I've never been in a relationship with a girl before and I'm 20 years old. There isn't anything particularly wrong with me (I was chubby in high school but that passed), at least, I don't think so, and I have had girls show interest in me, but I've always seemed to chase after the ones that didn't like me. It's not like the fact that I've always been single is something I beat myself up about, though; I just mention it so I can show you that I really don't know how to act around girls and read their signs. The girls that liked me before were very direct in showing it, so it left little for me to decipher.
Enter my friend, Sarah. I've known Sarah for two years now. We met in real life, hung out a little, and then she moved. We stayed in constant communication on the internet (almost daily) as friends until about a month ago when she came back to town. Now we are both attending the same university and I see her a few times a week.
This part is stupid but before Sarah came back we had a discussion about what we expected from our relationship because we didn't want things to be awkward. I said I was interested only in friendship (which I genuinely believed at that time, the thought of a relationship with a girl just seemed so impossible that I didn't even entertain it) and she agreed. Now she's back and I've seen her a half dozen times on campus and a few times off. We've gone to movies, eaten at restaurants, etc. I can honestly say this is the most time I've ever spent one on one with a female friend. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure I like her and that I want more than friendship. =/ (Yes, I'm an idiot!) Sarah gets quite a bit of attention at school and has already had two guys ask her out (she turned them both down) since being back. I don't think I could bear to see her with another man, but is that just something I have to deal with since the terms of our relationship were set?
What doesn't help is that Sarah is extremely shy so I really don't know if she is interested in me.
I consider Sarah one of my closest friends, if not the closest, and I really don't want to lose her. She's literally the only person I know that fully "gets" my sense of humor and she's just wonderful.
What should I do, H/A? Should I express my feelings? Wait for some signs (which hopefully you can tell me what they would be)? It doesn't help that my best friend asked out a girl that he had been friends with for a long time about a year ago; she turned him down and they pretty much stopped talking. I really don't want that to happen here if she says no. Also, I'm kind of worried even if she says yes! I've never had a girlfriend before.
Help, please. Feel free to call me stupid if I'm overthinking things. I just can't help it.
I've never been in a relationship with a girl before and I'm 20 years old. There isn't anything particularly wrong with me (I was chubby in high school but that passed), at least, I don't think so, and I have had girls show interest in me, but I've always seemed to chase after the ones that didn't like me. It's not like the fact that I've always been single is something I beat myself up about, though; I just mention it so I can show you that I really don't know how to act around girls and read their signs. The girls that liked me before were very direct in showing it, so it left little for me to decipher.
Enter my friend, Sarah. I've known Sarah for two years now. We met in real life, hung out a little, and then she moved. We stayed in constant communication on the internet (almost daily) as friends until about a month ago when she came back to town. Now we are both attending the same university and I see her a few times a week.
This part is stupid but before Sarah came back we had a discussion about what we expected from our relationship because we didn't want things to be awkward. I said I was interested only in friendship (which I genuinely believed at that time, the thought of a relationship with a girl just seemed so impossible that I didn't even entertain it) and she agreed. Now she's back and I've seen her a half dozen times on campus and a few times off. We've gone to movies, eaten at restaurants, etc. I can honestly say this is the most time I've ever spent one on one with a female friend. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure I like her and that I want more than friendship. =/ (Yes, I'm an idiot!) Sarah gets quite a bit of attention at school and has already had two guys ask her out (she turned them both down) since being back. I don't think I could bear to see her with another man, but is that just something I have to deal with since the terms of our relationship were set?
What doesn't help is that Sarah is extremely shy so I really don't know if she is interested in me.
I consider Sarah one of my closest friends, if not the closest, and I really don't want to lose her. She's literally the only person I know that fully "gets" my sense of humor and she's just wonderful.
What should I do, H/A? Should I express my feelings? Wait for some signs (which hopefully you can tell me what they would be)? It doesn't help that my best friend asked out a girl that he had been friends with for a long time about a year ago; she turned him down and they pretty much stopped talking. I really don't want that to happen here if she says no. Also, I'm kind of worried even if she says yes! I've never had a girlfriend before.
Help, please. Feel free to call me stupid if I'm overthinking things. I just can't help it.
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You don't have to express undying love to her, but you're interested in dating her. So ask if she wants to date and don't build it up in your head too much. The possibility exists she says no, or you go out and turns out you're better off friends. If you're honest about it and up front, you can at least rest well knowing you didn't let an opportunity pass you up, and you didn't let it just build up until you turned into creepy friend guy.
So basically, you've never been in a relationship and this is the most time you've ever spent with a girl. Of course you're developing feelings for her. But you have to ask yourself "Would I prefer a very good friend or would I prefer to lose one.". Your call.
This coming from someone with 90% female friends who things have occasionally developed into something more with. Generally, in these scenarios, it'll just happen. You'll know.
You know, maybe they do have a really great and close friendship and it would be a shame to throw it all away, but I don't buy that. It doesn't seem, to me, that he'd be entirely comfortable if their relationship stayed the same as it is now. While I'm not suggesting he ask her out, I can't advocate putting his thoughts for her aside on the grounds that what they had a year ago was, like, really special. I've been there, and it sucked, and eventually I did ask her out, she said no, and I was able to get on with my life.
(Also, on the off-chance anyone cares, I also have a lot of female friends, so I totes know what I'm on about.)
(Ladies, I am not single. Woe!)
If yes, great, go.
If no, great, don't go.
Is it fair to the girl? Eh, not really. But you not reciprocating her friendship is no LESS fair then her not reciprocating romantic feelings. Im a big proponent that as long as a dude is crushing on a girl, they cant really be friends. People here seem to disagree with that, which is fine. But from personal experience and seeing others, it just doesn't work.
You need to make your move and deal with the results. If she is interested, awesome. If she isn't, then you need to stop hanging out with her to the extent you are. Its not healthy to dedicate a majority of your social interaction with a girl you are pining for. That doesn't mean you have to be a dick, or never speak to her again. But going out one on one in situations that are classic date scenerios with a girl that doesn't have interest in you will get you seriously messed up emotionally.
Hopefully she IS interested. But either way, the current status quo of "friendship" wont be fun or healthy for either of you.
YMMV of course, but the less of a big deal that you make it, the less awkward it will be if she isn't interested.
If you truly, honestly are ok with continuing to just be friends if she turns you down, tell her that... but be honest with yourself first. It's an awkward conversation, but if you're mature about it you can absolutely get past it and keep being friends. Just don't present it like some kind of ultimatum and be open and honest.
If this is some sort of life crippling agony he's going through, sure, he should do what he needs to do to figure it out, but I think it's honestly not that bad, and that after meeting more people and making some new friends at college he'll get over it. I'm going to postulate this is a combination of inexperience with women and the confusion of starting a new life in college. I mean, she already told him "no" for all intents and purposes once.
Also, OP, her saying "Yes" to a date doesn't make her your girlfriend.
See, this is what I don't think he is after re-reading the initial post. "I don't think I could bear to see her with another man..." is not something someone with that kind of willpower is going to say and it's going to leave this specter hanging about no matter what.
But, OP, good luck. You've got a lot of years of trial and error ahead of you. It's going to hurt no matter what.
Things change, especially feelings, so... YES, express your feelings. Be mindful and respectful of her's. Proceed from there.
This is the important part. IMO, the only chance you have of making this become more than just friends is if you said you were interested in friendship first, she felt differently but didn't want to speak up so she just agreed.
If you're willing to risk your friendship with this person to find out, then talk to her about it because Esh is right...things won't be the same afterwards. With your age and your experience, I don't think you would be able to continue the friendship the same way if she says no.
I also agree with Disrupter, if you really do feel that strongly about her and wouldn't like to see her with another guy...your feelings are only going to grow the more you talk and hang out with her. The best thing for you to do is talk to her about it and whatever happens happens, and then you can either start a relationship or start to move on.
Good luck, I hope things work out for ya
I wish you luck!
Trust me, being rejected a thousand times is a small price to pay for eventually finding the one.
but they're listening to every word I say
Absolutely not true. Words are dangerous, and throw a couple together into a sentence and they can start or stop wars with even the best of friends.
EDIT: I'm only saying this because the OP has expressed his inexperience with women and I really don't want him thinking that that's a true statement.
Something you might think about is why you want this relationship. What would you be getting out of it that you aren't now? Is it purely physical stuff you want? Not that physical intimacy isn't totally worthwhile, but it's good to consider if that's all you are wanting to add to an already healthy friendship. What kinds of things do you want to be doing for Sarah that you can't right now?
If you get to the point where you want to actually discuss this with her, try not to make it a huge production. I would advise not doing a date-like activity, like dinner out or a movie. Meet up somewhere neutral like a park or something, that can be semi-private but isn't as creepy as your bedroom with the shades drawn. And then talk it out. Don't do a huge confessional, don't issue ultimatums. Let her know what you are feeling, what you'd like to see your relationship grow into, maybe cover the virtues of your friendship. And then let her talk, if she has things to say. If she doesn't right away, give her time to formulate a response and don't push her on it. This is gonna be hard, cause you will feel totally exposed and vulnerable. But you do not want to rush her on this.
For what it's worth, I had a similar situation with a very good friend a while back. We had a real long chat about it, and it took a couple days for us to sort out the finer details. Now we live together and celebrated our two year anniversary this month. These kind of situations can work out well. It also could have easily gone sideways, with both of us feeling too weirded out to talk to each other again, and I would have lost one of my closest friends. That's the risk you run when dating your friends.
-Ancient Dwarfish Proverb
I just kinda rambled a bit there with no real concision, so I'm just going to end with you should ask. Good luck.
This is not a sure thing. She might decide that things could stay the same, but she might need some time to rethink her relationship with you. women get a whole shit ton of flack so "leading a guy on" and so sometimes the natural reaction is to pull back on the friendship to solidify the fact that there is zero interest. If thats the case, give her time and space. A good excuse to try and meet and get to know other women.
Understand that the relationship has changed already; you have feelings for her. Just spit 'em out, say you thought you wouldn't be interested in a relationship with anyone, but you are with her, and just see what she says. Treat it as an adult conversation, and things will work out.