Well, as a personal matter, I do respond to every message. I don't know if that's harsher than ignoring them, but if someone takes the time out to talk to me, they deserve a response.
Don't worry, I'm not a dick in my responses. Half the women messaging me are asking to hook up anyway, which I can honestly say I'm not interested in.
Seriously ... where do people get some of these pictures? When I'm caving or hiking or working someplace cool i never have a third party with me, and if i do, I'm seldom thinking "pictures"... all my pictures are lame self shots or party shots where i look like a drunker, more addled GK Chesterton...
It's unfortunate - I'm not into taking photos either. It's one of those things where it's traditionally been helpful for me to have girls around because they always step up to the plate and make sure everything is totally documented...but now I have fewer girls in my life, and proportionally fewer pictures.
Well, as a personal matter, I do respond to every message. I don't know if that's harsher than ignoring them, but if someone takes the time out to talk to me, they deserve a response.
Don't worry, I'm not a dick in my responses. Half the women messaging me are asking to hook up anyway, which I can honestly say I'm not interested in.
Seriously ... where do people get some of these pictures? When I'm caving or hiking or working someplace cool i never have a third party with me, and if i do, I'm seldom thinking "pictures"... all my pictures are lame self shots or party shots where i look like a drunker, more addled GK Chesterton...
It's unfortunate - I'm not into taking photos either. It's one of those things where it's traditionally been helpful for me to have girls around because they always step up to the plate and make sure everything is totally documented...but now I have fewer girls in my life, and proportionally fewer pictures.
The funny thing is I'm a fairly serious photographer - I have tons of pictures of the places I've been and things I've done, but I'm not in them.
Well, there's plenty of women who take pictures of landscapes, their pets, their art, and other random shit and fill their profiles with it. I don't see it being too out of place to include a photo of your work.
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JohnnyCacheStarting DefensePlace at the tableRegistered Userregular
Well, there's plenty of women who take pictures of landscapes, their pets, their art, and other random shit and fill their profiles with it. I don't see it being too out of place to include a photo of your work.
I don't think it would be per se but it still wouldn't replace the terrible ones of me.
Are my pictures ok? Do I sound like an adult in my summary?
your nerdiness disgusts and repels me
but naw everything is good i think
you look cute in your pictures, you are honest and upfront about your interests without sounding one dimensional or myopic about them, and you don't sound totally directionless
the one thing i would say is that i would remove the bit about 'i don't bring baggage'. the only time i ever think that a girl might be incredibly dramatic or bring an unusual amount of stress to a relationship is when she mentions baggage or history at all. it also has the effect of making me consider that you're incredibly inexperienced (which, if true, you could just relate on the first date)
Are my pictures ok? Do I sound like an adult in my summary?
your nerdiness disgusts and repels me
but naw everything is good i think
you look cute in your pictures, you are honest and upfront about your interests without sounding one dimensional or myopic about them, and you don't sound totally directionless
the one thing i would say is that i would remove the bit about 'i don't bring baggage'. the only time i ever think that a girl might be incredibly dramatic or bring an unusual amount of stress to a relationship is when she mentions baggage or history at all. it also has the effect of making me consider that you're incredibly inexperienced (which, if true, you could just relate on the first date)
No you make a good point! I took that out! Thanks!
"we're just doing what smalllady told us to do" - @Heels
Overall I don't think there's much to be brutal about... but I do feel like you say the actual words "geek" and "nerd" an overwhelming amount at the beginning and it might come across as trying too hard to get that point across all at once?
Overall I don't think there's much to be brutal about... but I do feel like you say the actual words "geek" and "nerd" an overwhelming amount at the beginning and it might come across as trying too hard to get that point across all at once?
Oooh thank you!! I'll edit that.
"we're just doing what smalllady told us to do" - @Heels
Overall I don't think there's much to be brutal about... but I do feel like you say the actual words "geek" and "nerd" an overwhelming amount at the beginning and it might come across as trying too hard to get that point across all at once?
I'd agree with this, good overall but no need to use both terms 4-5 combined times in the opening section. Especially when most people are going to put you in that category anyway because of your interests/activities.
Also, lots of lists! That's not exactly a bad thing, but I'd like to read more about why you like/do these things, rather than just read a list of them.
In non-profile critiquing news, I discovered the other day that reddit has an okcupid section (r/okcupid), and hoooly shit are there some embittered men posting there.
Hah, I just checked that out. If nothing else, I guess I can see what the messages from other guys and what women put up with. Although, just skimming a few, I find it hard to believe these messages are all serious and are more for "fun".
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GnomeTankWhat the what?Portland, OregonRegistered Userregular
So I'm about to jump back in to the wading pool of adult dating, at 32 years old. After being with the same woman for nearly a decade. Needless to say, I am way out of practice.
My question is to do with my kid. I am assuming I should make the fact that I am an involved father pretty prominent on my profile? Not as a badge of honor, but as a "Hey, if you cant deal with my kid, or can't handle my kid being super important to me, you need not apply".
There is this fine line I feel like I need to straddle, where I am upfront about being an involved father (meaning a non-inconsequential amount of time is taken up by that), and not trying to use my kid as a "chick magnet".
i think the most important thing is to not make it a big deal .your child is an important part of your life- that doesn't mean it has to be a prominent part of your profile. just toss in a line somewhere- i am an active, involved father. maybe under you're what i'm doing with my life? in addition to whatever you have there, 'having an amazing time raising my _ year old son/daughter'
the thing is that if you start saying WARNING: I AM A DAD AND I AM SERIOUS ABOUT IT. IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO HANDLE THAT THEN... or whatever, is it's so negative. like if you're overweight- plenty of people like overweight people. but when you start saying I AM A GROWN WOMAN AND I AM PROUD OF MY BODY, IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE MY CURVES THEN...
you're talking about something affirming that makes you proud- your body, your hobbies, your career, your parenthood- but when you warn against these potential people who would have a problem with it... you're making something out of potentially nothing. you're making it a negative thing.
so my advice is don't do that. avoid strong, foreboding, warding-off language. express simply and concisely that you're a father and a proud/happy/involved one. allow the reader to attach whatever connotations they wish.
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GnomeTankWhat the what?Portland, OregonRegistered Userregular
Good enough. Thanks for the advice. Like I said, the biggest thing for me was that I don't want to use my kid as some kind of chick magnet. I mean, she's cute as a button and all, but that feels pretty exploity to me.
I think most people put "has children" in the profile and includes one picture of the kid, or doesn't. Depending on their involvement, they may be up front about it in their profile. A lot of people put "My son/daughter" in their "Things I can't live without" section.
I don't think you get much traction on the whole stating upfront that you're not looking for a mom and that your daughter is a part of the package. I think it makes first dates too heavy. I'll relate the shorter version of a positive story of a friend.
Friend had no interest in kids, was around 29, and tried online dating. He'd just moved home to Minnesota from LA and continued his interest in online dating. This was years ago, like 2004? Anyway, he met people, dated, whatever. He met one girl who said on her profile that she had a kid, but made no other mention of it, and didn't state that she was a big deal. The woman was cute, and had a lot of interests that my friend matched up with, so he figured "Ah, why not try one date, I've never been with a girl who has a kid." They met, the woman didn't say anything about the daughter, and they had a really good time together. They agreed to a few more dates, and my friend was falling for the woman, and the daughter had come up a couple times in just casual conversation -- her name, her interests, etc. My friend realized that this woman seemed like the real deal, and was really enjoying the relationship, so he decided he wanted to meet the daughter (who is like 3). He's kind of freaking out before the meet because he normally doesn't like kids, and if things go badly with the daughter, he figures he's kind of blowing this entire relationship.
But! He realizes that he doesn't have a chance in the relationship if he doesn't eventually meet the daughter, so he gets over it and meets her.
Turns out he thinks the daughter is cute as a button, is a lot of fun to be around, and realizes that he's fallen in love with the woman. He has a sudden shock as he becomes aware that he's suddenly part of a "family," and is totally cool with the idea -- he likes it even. It wasn't what he was expecting or even looking for, but he gave it a chance.
Not everyone you meet will accept your child. By stating you have a child and including one picture of you with her, you're stating "Yeah, I have a kid," which will weed out the people who are completely anti-kid. The rest? You don't know where they fall on the spectrum. Women that may date you can range from "Well I may give it a shot but I'm really not that interested" to "I can't have children of my own but I want kids so badly." You simply don't know who you may date when you put a profile online, and you should let the woman decide if she's cool with it. Don't be pushy or prideful about it, and just be confident in the fact that you have an awesome daughter.
Arguably, it's more attractive to be on a date and, when the woman asks "so you have a daughter" you respond with "Yeah, and she's pretty awesome. We're best buds" than it is to freak out and try to cover it up.
the thing is that if you start saying WARNING: I AM A DAD AND I AM SERIOUS ABOUT IT. IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO HANDLE THAT THEN... or whatever, is it's so negative. like if you're overweight- plenty of people like overweight people. but when you start saying I AM A GROWN WOMAN AND I AM PROUD OF MY BODY, IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE MY CURVES THEN...
If someone is proud of being fat... I run the other way.
The RPG Bestiary - Dangerous foes and legendary monsters for D&D 4th Edition
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GnomeTankWhat the what?Portland, OregonRegistered Userregular
@EggyToast: Yeah, I would never "freak out and try and hide" her. My bigger worry was being a little to "LOOK, I'M A DAD, LOOK AT MY CUTE KID, ISN'T SHE CUTE? DON'T YOU WANT TO DATE ME BECAUSE I HAVE A CUTE KID?"
the thing is that if you start saying WARNING: I AM A DAD AND I AM SERIOUS ABOUT IT. IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO HANDLE THAT THEN... or whatever, is it's so negative. like if you're overweight- plenty of people like overweight people. but when you start saying I AM A GROWN WOMAN AND I AM PROUD OF MY BODY, IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE MY CURVES THEN...
If someone is proud of being fat... I run the other way.
Without getting into "the whole fat thing" talking about body issues in America,
I don't think very many of them really are proud of it. The are attempting to put it out there honestly, but they've got a chip on their shoulder from dealing with people who run the other way by default. It certainly is unattractive, but it's very seldom rooted in actual fat fetishism.
I wish people would stop saying "Hi" as their message. Seriously, most women have either a creative comment/question related to my profile, or they say "Hi" and leave it at that. Not even "sup" or "hey how's it going," always "Hi."
the thing is that if you start saying WARNING: I AM A DAD AND I AM SERIOUS ABOUT IT. IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO HANDLE THAT THEN... or whatever, is it's so negative. like if you're overweight- plenty of people like overweight people. but when you start saying I AM A GROWN WOMAN AND I AM PROUD OF MY BODY, IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE MY CURVES THEN...
If someone is proud of being fat... I run the other way.
Without getting into "the whole fat thing" talking about body issues in America,
I don't think very many of them really are proud of it. The are attempting to put it out there honestly, but they've got a chip on their shoulder from dealing with people who run the other way by default. It certainly is unattractive, but it's very seldom rooted in actual fat fetishism.
Doesn't help that "fat" is such a loaded and relative term. I know plenty of people who are "heavy", but very healthy at that weight. Hell, I'm one of those people that would look fucking HORRIBLE at 160lbs, but I look nice and good at 200. If some girl is looking for 160lb string bean, that will never ever be me.
the thing is that if you start saying WARNING: I AM A DAD AND I AM SERIOUS ABOUT IT. IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO HANDLE THAT THEN... or whatever, is it's so negative. like if you're overweight- plenty of people like overweight people. but when you start saying I AM A GROWN WOMAN AND I AM PROUD OF MY BODY, IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE MY CURVES THEN...
If someone is proud of being fat... I run the other way.
what i'm talking about has nothing to do with how they wish to look, really. some people are big and they like the way they look and they embrace it. some people are big and they try to get not-big but it's hard and demoralizing and also society treats them like shit, so they want to inure themselves against emotional pain by warding off certain types of dudes. i get where they're coming from, in either case.
i'm just saying that once it's disclaimed in a strong, negative way it becomes a turnoff for me. it's not how they feel about their weight; it's how they are negative and confrontational in addressing it. while understandable, i don't like that in a partner. i'm a laid back, positive dude and i don't want someone to be mega confrontational and negative... even if they have a reason for it. at least, certainly not in their profile where they're trying to make me want to spend a few hours with them and get to know one another.
I'm happier with my new profile that I slapped together this afternoon than I ever was with it before. I even think I'm getting a hang of that "send messages; give no shits" thing. Just something quick that involves something in their profile.
I'm big and trying to get not-big and I've been fairly successful and happy with the process, but I do happen to be big. Big in that "if you take away all of the fat I'll still be pretty big" kind of way, so I can't say I'm too obsessed with it. Hell, my big goal is that in about six more pounds I'll be fat instead of obese. I'll be damn happy to be fat. That said, any mention of the whole "BBW" thing in a profile is a pretty quick turn off to me. Nothing against bigger girls. In fact, I can be pretty fond of it here and there, but I just don't think its something to be proud of.
ok guys preliminary reports suggest a low success rate
A bit of a necro, so I apologies...
I can agree that my perspective is completely anecdotal. All of my really meaningful relationships (real, heart-to-heart, fell in love, had my heart broken, relationships) have been started by commenting/complimenting on something not-of-the-norm. To me it's been the best way to break-down the wall that is immediately put up, if a girl hears "you're cute!", and get to who she is within the first conversation and date. It's not leering at a girl like a creep, but just noting something that she or he takes pride in and commenting on that - it's usually something pretty obvious on a first glance.
Also, I'm fuck-ugly, so I have to work at getting a woman to give me some time, unlike yourself 'Chu.
These are my two cents. You may discard them, spend them or melt them down for the copper as you wish.
So I just started this internet dating thing. I looked at the OP and incorporated some suggestions into my profile. But I was curious if anyone had any feedback on it
Also, when people message you, what is the appropriate response if you think they look interesting? Do you suggest a place to meet, talk to them online? Its a brave new world for me.
Also, I'm fuck-ugly, so I have to work at getting a woman to give me some time, unlike yourself 'Chu.
where is the source of this preconception that i am handsome, i am not
just a normal fellow who can speak whatever version of parseltongue ladies know
The Archer avatar probably goes a long way. I mean really, wouldn't we all hit that?
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GnomeTankWhat the what?Portland, OregonRegistered Userregular
Speaking of pictures...I need to take one of myself that isn't me holding my kid....but I really don't want to do one of those bathroom cellphone pictures...this is a quandary for me.
Speaking of pictures...I need to take one of myself that isn't me holding my kid....but I really don't want to do one of those bathroom cellphone pictures...this is a quandary for me.
Find a 'touristy' location in Portland. Ask a nearby stranger to take your picture.
So I just started this internet dating thing. I looked at the OP and incorporated some suggestions into my profile. But I was curious if anyone had any feedback on it
Also, when people message you, what is the appropriate response if you think they look interesting? Do you suggest a place to meet, talk to them online? Its a brave new world for me.
Pictures: Get some more. Yours aren't terrible, but they can be improved. Also, having someone of the opposite gender in your pictures is generally frowned on, for reasons that aren't totally reasonable but still exist. Maybe crop her out? That's definitely the best picture of the three.
Profile: It's high energy, which seems to go with your personality. You're looking for someone active that is laid back - seems somewhat contradictory, might rephrase it. Also, half the people on Okcupid, guy or girl, describe themselves as 'laid back'. It's not a bad thing, but remember, your job here is to stand out!
You repeat that you work in a law firm downtown in your first two sections... and it's in your details section. Probably don't need all three, especially in the main profile. "I do like to travel" is strangely formal. Maybe "I love to travel", or "I really enjoy traveling"? And for some reason, the phrase "Actually its a lot like the women I tend to get along with, competitive and clever" rubs me the wrong way. Your intent is good, but I'm not sure women want to be compared to a job. You're also missing an apostrophe on its.
I'm really good at: This is better. Maybe describe a great meal you made recently?
First thing: I like this a lot, shows your personality.
Favorites: A bit jumbled together, but not bad. Maybe say why you like/love some of these things?
Six things: kinda meh but so is everyone's.
Friday night: Fine
Private thing: I wonder if it's a reference I'm missing, but you might get some messages from it.
Looking for: If you're just looking for friends like your profile says, you shouldn't be on Okcupid. If you're looking for fun and maybe a relationship, put short-term and long-term dating.
Message me if: Not sure about this one, but maybe keep it for a while and see if people send you messages with answers in it?
Overall, pretty good! Like I said, you seem like a high energy guy. I'm honestly not really sure what kind of girl you're looking for, besides smart and competitive. Nerdy? Athletic? Kind? Intense or laid back?
Regarding responding to messaging: If you're potentially interesting, some people send 3-5 messages back and forth and then suggest meeting in person. Others like to suggest meeting up after only one or two messages. Do what feels right to you, but I don't recommend messaging someone for 2-3 weeks without at least trying to meet up.
Would people please stop hiding their body size in their photos or at least stop using old photos from before you got fat. That's two dates I've been on that were complete wastes of time because the person in the photo was quite clearly a different size to their photo.
Also when on said date please stop asking me "do you like what you see?". I'm generally a polite guy so won't say "no, not particularly, you're considerably larger than your photos made you out to be" but I also dislike lying and giving false hope. Not only that but if you're desperately fishing for compliments from me on a first date then obviously you aren't comfortable with your own appearance. Why should you care what I think? You don't know me at all so you shouldn't value my opinion. If after a few dates you decide I'm a great guy then start caring about what I think. Till then treat me like what I am, a complete stranger.
What I'm trying to say is either be happy with who you are and don't hide it or change whatever is it you're not happy with.
So I just started this internet dating thing. I looked at the OP and incorporated some suggestions into my profile. But I was curious if anyone had any feedback on it
Also, when people message you, what is the appropriate response if you think they look interesting? Do you suggest a place to meet, talk to them online? Its a brave new world for me.
Pictures: Get some more. Yours aren't terrible, but they can be improved. Also, having someone of the opposite gender in your pictures is generally frowned on, for reasons that aren't totally reasonable but still exist. Maybe crop her out? That's definitely the best picture of the three.
Profile: It's high energy, which seems to go with your personality. You're looking for someone active that is laid back - seems somewhat contradictory, might rephrase it. Also, half the people on Okcupid, guy or girl, describe themselves as 'laid back'. It's not a bad thing, but remember, your job here is to stand out!
You repeat that you work in a law firm downtown in your first two sections... and it's in your details section. Probably don't need all three, especially in the main profile. "I do like to travel" is strangely formal. Maybe "I love to travel", or "I really enjoy traveling"? And for some reason, the phrase "Actually its a lot like the women I tend to get along with, competitive and clever" rubs me the wrong way. Your intent is good, but I'm not sure women want to be compared to a job. You're also missing an apostrophe on its.
I'm really good at: This is better. Maybe describe a great meal you made recently?
First thing: I like this a lot, shows your personality.
Favorites: A bit jumbled together, but not bad. Maybe say why you like/love some of these things?
Six things: kinda meh but so is everyone's.
Friday night: Fine
Private thing: I wonder if it's a reference I'm missing, but you might get some messages from it.
Looking for: If you're just looking for friends like your profile says, you shouldn't be on Okcupid. If you're looking for fun and maybe a relationship, put short-term and long-term dating.
Message me if: Not sure about this one, but maybe keep it for a while and see if people send you messages with answers in it?
Overall, pretty good! Like I said, you seem like a high energy guy. I'm honestly not really sure what kind of girl you're looking for, besides smart and competitive. Nerdy? Athletic? Kind? Intense or laid back?
Regarding responding to messaging: If you're potentially interesting, some people send 3-5 messages back and forth and then suggest meeting in person. Others like to suggest meeting up after only one or two messages. Do what feels right to you, but I don't recommend messaging someone for 2-3 weeks without at least trying to meet up.
Thank you for the thorough breakdown. Making some changes, see what happens. I am very new to this whole thing.
I have some pictures from my trip to Eastern Europe I will put up there, unfortunately many of them are with my now ex-girlfriend, and I can't crop them without ruining them.
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The odds are good, but the goods are odd, buddy.
It's unfortunate - I'm not into taking photos either. It's one of those things where it's traditionally been helpful for me to have girls around because they always step up to the plate and make sure everything is totally documented...but now I have fewer girls in my life, and proportionally fewer pictures.
The funny thing is I'm a fairly serious photographer - I have tons of pictures of the places I've been and things I've done, but I'm not in them.
It's actually causing me some angst.
I host a podcast about movies.
I don't think it would be per se but it still wouldn't replace the terrible ones of me.
I host a podcast about movies.
Please be brutal.
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Chibi_Tzar
Are my pictures ok? Do I sound like an adult in my summary?
your nerdiness disgusts and repels me
but naw everything is good i think
you look cute in your pictures, you are honest and upfront about your interests without sounding one dimensional or myopic about them, and you don't sound totally directionless
the one thing i would say is that i would remove the bit about 'i don't bring baggage'. the only time i ever think that a girl might be incredibly dramatic or bring an unusual amount of stress to a relationship is when she mentions baggage or history at all. it also has the effect of making me consider that you're incredibly inexperienced (which, if true, you could just relate on the first date)
No you make a good point! I took that out!
Oooh thank you!! I'll edit that.
FFXIV: Tchel Fay
Nintendo ID: Tortalius
Steam: Tortalius
Stream: twitch.tv/tortalius
I'd agree with this, good overall but no need to use both terms 4-5 combined times in the opening section. Especially when most people are going to put you in that category anyway because of your interests/activities.
Also, lots of lists! That's not exactly a bad thing, but I'd like to read more about why you like/do these things, rather than just read a list of them.
My question is to do with my kid. I am assuming I should make the fact that I am an involved father pretty prominent on my profile? Not as a badge of honor, but as a "Hey, if you cant deal with my kid, or can't handle my kid being super important to me, you need not apply".
There is this fine line I feel like I need to straddle, where I am upfront about being an involved father (meaning a non-inconsequential amount of time is taken up by that), and not trying to use my kid as a "chick magnet".
the thing is that if you start saying WARNING: I AM A DAD AND I AM SERIOUS ABOUT IT. IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO HANDLE THAT THEN... or whatever, is it's so negative. like if you're overweight- plenty of people like overweight people. but when you start saying I AM A GROWN WOMAN AND I AM PROUD OF MY BODY, IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE MY CURVES THEN...
you're talking about something affirming that makes you proud- your body, your hobbies, your career, your parenthood- but when you warn against these potential people who would have a problem with it... you're making something out of potentially nothing. you're making it a negative thing.
so my advice is don't do that. avoid strong, foreboding, warding-off language. express simply and concisely that you're a father and a proud/happy/involved one. allow the reader to attach whatever connotations they wish.
I don't think you get much traction on the whole stating upfront that you're not looking for a mom and that your daughter is a part of the package. I think it makes first dates too heavy. I'll relate the shorter version of a positive story of a friend.
Friend had no interest in kids, was around 29, and tried online dating. He'd just moved home to Minnesota from LA and continued his interest in online dating. This was years ago, like 2004? Anyway, he met people, dated, whatever. He met one girl who said on her profile that she had a kid, but made no other mention of it, and didn't state that she was a big deal. The woman was cute, and had a lot of interests that my friend matched up with, so he figured "Ah, why not try one date, I've never been with a girl who has a kid." They met, the woman didn't say anything about the daughter, and they had a really good time together. They agreed to a few more dates, and my friend was falling for the woman, and the daughter had come up a couple times in just casual conversation -- her name, her interests, etc. My friend realized that this woman seemed like the real deal, and was really enjoying the relationship, so he decided he wanted to meet the daughter (who is like 3). He's kind of freaking out before the meet because he normally doesn't like kids, and if things go badly with the daughter, he figures he's kind of blowing this entire relationship.
But! He realizes that he doesn't have a chance in the relationship if he doesn't eventually meet the daughter, so he gets over it and meets her.
Turns out he thinks the daughter is cute as a button, is a lot of fun to be around, and realizes that he's fallen in love with the woman. He has a sudden shock as he becomes aware that he's suddenly part of a "family," and is totally cool with the idea -- he likes it even. It wasn't what he was expecting or even looking for, but he gave it a chance.
Not everyone you meet will accept your child. By stating you have a child and including one picture of you with her, you're stating "Yeah, I have a kid," which will weed out the people who are completely anti-kid. The rest? You don't know where they fall on the spectrum. Women that may date you can range from "Well I may give it a shot but I'm really not that interested" to "I can't have children of my own but I want kids so badly." You simply don't know who you may date when you put a profile online, and you should let the woman decide if she's cool with it. Don't be pushy or prideful about it, and just be confident in the fact that you have an awesome daughter.
Arguably, it's more attractive to be on a date and, when the woman asks "so you have a daughter" you respond with "Yeah, and she's pretty awesome. We're best buds" than it is to freak out and try to cover it up.
If someone is proud of being fat... I run the other way.
Good advice so far though, I think I'll be fine.
I don't think very many of them really are proud of it. The are attempting to put it out there honestly, but they've got a chip on their shoulder from dealing with people who run the other way by default. It certainly is unattractive, but it's very seldom rooted in actual fat fetishism.
I host a podcast about movies.
Doesn't help that "fat" is such a loaded and relative term. I know plenty of people who are "heavy", but very healthy at that weight. Hell, I'm one of those people that would look fucking HORRIBLE at 160lbs, but I look nice and good at 200. If some girl is looking for 160lb string bean, that will never ever be me.
what i'm talking about has nothing to do with how they wish to look, really. some people are big and they like the way they look and they embrace it. some people are big and they try to get not-big but it's hard and demoralizing and also society treats them like shit, so they want to inure themselves against emotional pain by warding off certain types of dudes. i get where they're coming from, in either case.
i'm just saying that once it's disclaimed in a strong, negative way it becomes a turnoff for me. it's not how they feel about their weight; it's how they are negative and confrontational in addressing it. while understandable, i don't like that in a partner. i'm a laid back, positive dude and i don't want someone to be mega confrontational and negative... even if they have a reason for it. at least, certainly not in their profile where they're trying to make me want to spend a few hours with them and get to know one another.
I'm big and trying to get not-big and I've been fairly successful and happy with the process, but I do happen to be big. Big in that "if you take away all of the fat I'll still be pretty big" kind of way, so I can't say I'm too obsessed with it. Hell, my big goal is that in about six more pounds I'll be fat instead of obese. I'll be damn happy to be fat. That said, any mention of the whole "BBW" thing in a profile is a pretty quick turn off to me. Nothing against bigger girls. In fact, I can be pretty fond of it here and there, but I just don't think its something to be proud of.
Steam - Wildschwein | The Backlog
Grappling Hook Showdown - Tumblr
A bit of a necro, so I apologies...
I can agree that my perspective is completely anecdotal. All of my really meaningful relationships (real, heart-to-heart, fell in love, had my heart broken, relationships) have been started by commenting/complimenting on something not-of-the-norm. To me it's been the best way to break-down the wall that is immediately put up, if a girl hears "you're cute!", and get to who she is within the first conversation and date. It's not leering at a girl like a creep, but just noting something that she or he takes pride in and commenting on that - it's usually something pretty obvious on a first glance.
Also, I'm fuck-ugly, so I have to work at getting a woman to give me some time, unlike yourself 'Chu.
These are my two cents. You may discard them, spend them or melt them down for the copper as you wish.
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/schnorky6
Also, when people message you, what is the appropriate response if you think they look interesting? Do you suggest a place to meet, talk to them online? Its a brave new world for me.
where is the source of this preconception that i am handsome, i am not
just a normal fellow who can speak whatever version of parseltongue ladies know
The Archer avatar probably goes a long way. I mean really, wouldn't we all hit that?
Find a 'touristy' location in Portland. Ask a nearby stranger to take your picture.
Pictures: Get some more. Yours aren't terrible, but they can be improved. Also, having someone of the opposite gender in your pictures is generally frowned on, for reasons that aren't totally reasonable but still exist. Maybe crop her out? That's definitely the best picture of the three.
Profile: It's high energy, which seems to go with your personality. You're looking for someone active that is laid back - seems somewhat contradictory, might rephrase it. Also, half the people on Okcupid, guy or girl, describe themselves as 'laid back'. It's not a bad thing, but remember, your job here is to stand out!
You repeat that you work in a law firm downtown in your first two sections... and it's in your details section. Probably don't need all three, especially in the main profile. "I do like to travel" is strangely formal. Maybe "I love to travel", or "I really enjoy traveling"? And for some reason, the phrase "Actually its a lot like the women I tend to get along with, competitive and clever" rubs me the wrong way. Your intent is good, but I'm not sure women want to be compared to a job. You're also missing an apostrophe on its.
I'm really good at: This is better. Maybe describe a great meal you made recently?
First thing: I like this a lot, shows your personality.
Favorites: A bit jumbled together, but not bad. Maybe say why you like/love some of these things?
Six things: kinda meh but so is everyone's.
Friday night: Fine
Private thing: I wonder if it's a reference I'm missing, but you might get some messages from it.
Looking for: If you're just looking for friends like your profile says, you shouldn't be on Okcupid. If you're looking for fun and maybe a relationship, put short-term and long-term dating.
Message me if: Not sure about this one, but maybe keep it for a while and see if people send you messages with answers in it?
Overall, pretty good! Like I said, you seem like a high energy guy. I'm honestly not really sure what kind of girl you're looking for, besides smart and competitive. Nerdy? Athletic? Kind? Intense or laid back?
Regarding responding to messaging: If you're potentially interesting, some people send 3-5 messages back and forth and then suggest meeting in person. Others like to suggest meeting up after only one or two messages. Do what feels right to you, but I don't recommend messaging someone for 2-3 weeks without at least trying to meet up.
Also when on said date please stop asking me "do you like what you see?". I'm generally a polite guy so won't say "no, not particularly, you're considerably larger than your photos made you out to be" but I also dislike lying and giving false hope. Not only that but if you're desperately fishing for compliments from me on a first date then obviously you aren't comfortable with your own appearance. Why should you care what I think? You don't know me at all so you shouldn't value my opinion. If after a few dates you decide I'm a great guy then start caring about what I think. Till then treat me like what I am, a complete stranger.
What I'm trying to say is either be happy with who you are and don't hide it or change whatever is it you're not happy with.
People do that? o_o What the hell.
Thank you for the thorough breakdown. Making some changes, see what happens. I am very new to this whole thing.
I have some pictures from my trip to Eastern Europe I will put up there, unfortunately many of them are with my now ex-girlfriend, and I can't crop them without ruining them.